Should I confess my feelings to this girl?

[loz87]

I would have to agree with most of the comments already posted. I know it seems right to tell her all this now and unburden yourself but its just not the right time. It will probably serve you better to save it for a later time when you are both more ready for serious commitment. Don’t think of it as bottling them up but rather letting them grow. Sometimes feelings are just that, (feelings) and other times they can be a part of something real. Only time will tell.

I think patience is the key. I know girls in their twenties that are nowhere near ready for a serious commitment. If her last relationship was less than 3 months I would say that just now time is on your side. The best thing you can do is to continue to build other friendships.

If this relationship was really meant to be then these special feelings will return at a later time but before you do anything its best to have some kind of indication from her that you are not the one doing all the feeling. Just think what kind of marriage it would be if your wife does not love you back.

Only thing I disagree with is trying to cut her off completely. Its probably best to stay friends with her if this is possible. These feelings don’t just appear by chance and it might be that she is the one who leads you to someone else. It can also help you grow and help you learn about your own self.
However this can be very difficult and you may have to give it some time before you see her again. It also depends on if it is practically possible to stay friends and on the kind of girl she is.

Love is difficult and takes a lot of work but it gives meaning to everything we do and in the end is always worth the effort.

This is probably the best response I have gotten. Once again, thank you all for your responses. I have decided not to go along with telling her how I feel. All I can do is wait until she breaks up with her current boyfriend. Although I can hardly see her because she works on most Sundays now, I will continue to be friends with her while at the same time, keeping my options open.

 

[Viki63]

I don’t understand all these comments about the girl not being “single”,because she’s dating someone.
These people are kids, they should not be considered "taken’ in high school. Kids this age should be dating the field, not taking anyone seriously, having fun in groups, going to movies and pizza places together.
I know, I’m living in the past. But the present social climate is causing a lot of heartbreak, especially for girls. (boys too). If you’ve got a boyfriend at 17, and you don’t plan to marry until you’re done with college, what are you going to do for the next seven years? Date, break up, date again, break up again? Recipe for pain. or stay with the same person and deal with the temptations and strong sexual urges of this age?

.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you all for your responses. I have thought deeply about this and I have decided not to go along with telling her. I did not realize just how dramatic and needy my approach was until now. I have been praying about this and will continue to do so. I have also been praying to the Holy Spirit to help me think before I act, and I think I have been getting better at it .

People don’t normally realize those things until they’re told or have had an opportunity to look at their own reactions from a bit of a distance.

It’s also possible that all the tension (‘obsessing’ etc.) has wearied you and lowered your resistance, making you more susceptible. Got to regenerate your stamina and your resistance.

As far as actually telling her goes, the question isn’t even really whether to tell her but how or what for.

If you tell her just to take it off your chest, it probably won’t work. She might console you and say it’s fine and all, but it’s not really a way to win her over to the idea.

If you do something desperate, she will sense it, and it won’t work. In fact, she would actually be doing the right thing, since people who are brought to such extremes emotionally as you would be showing on that occasion aren’t really prepared to make serious commitments, forget decisions about their own future (or someone else’s). It’s not really a fit state to be taking responsibility for someone (considering, among other things, how difficult it is to rein one’s own self in).

On the other hand, I would oppose the idea of drafting politically correct, crafted statements. Those too introduce unnecessary drama with all the disclaimers and affirmations and whatever else there is in them. ‘After affirming your independence and privacy I would to tentatively propose a non-invasive, non-committal suggestion for your consideration.’ Naaah, seriously. No offence, but… one’s gotta realize how that sort of thing sounds.

Finally, going against my earlier declaration a bit, I think the girl has already given you an answer as to the ‘whether’, too. Obviously, I can’t be 100% sure, but it seems to me she hasn’t exactly jumped at the opportunity when she’s had it, right? She has known all this time that you’ve been interested in the past, and she must be aware that those things don’t just disappear overnight, i.e. that you are probably still interested in dating her whenever she’s free. It’s obviously a different question whether the social mores in her circle would allow her to approach you, give you signs, perhaps not. But in any case it just doesn’t look like she’s particularly enthusiastic about your interest in her.

Okay, one last thing: you aren’t exactly marrying tomorrow, but you certainly realize what dating is for. And that means you kinda have to spend a minute or two thinking if the girl’s ready to tackle that angle, at least tentatively. That means not maybe commit right away but at least be serious and self-aware enough to gravitate towards a lifelong relationship, i.e. marriage, at least as the ultimate goal. Which, as a minimum, includes not getting involved in too casual relationships that in no way have marriage in the picture but are based on someone’s being sweet or hot. So you gotta consider her maturity. Not judge her, but just answer yourself some questions as to whether you should be pursuing her.

In any case, you need to find balance and to take good care of your education right now. This includes all sorts of lessons and courses, formal or not, that aren’t mandatory but will benefit you in the long run, such as extra internships that help you come out better in competitive recruitment by employers. It may include figuring out the answers to some questions of a different nature, e.g. emotions or some parts of your biography, or stress etc. and other things you need to deal with and put in order. So if you don’t really have to, don’t divert your energy to fleeting romantic prospects, dating etc. If you had a strong and deep feeling on your hands, backed by a strong sense of vocation, a history together etc., it would be a different matter. But for just looking for a girl or getting social or checking out if there’s a future there will be plenty enough time later on.

 

[bjess8411]

Here is what you need to consider:

1. If you tell her how you feel, it may adversely affect the friendship and make it awkward. She may feel the need to be really careful and back-off because she’d be worried about hurting your feelings. This would adversely affect your friendship.
2. If she were single and you were chasing after her, I would be DEAD-SET against this, because you don’t just drop your feelings like they do on TV. It DOES NOT work—unless you’re a celeb to the girl.

So if you do this just to get it all out, you’re going to potentially damage your friendship and any chance you have with her in the future should her current relationship not work out.

You also need to consider moving on from her. It may be a waste of energy to try and win her over or wait for her.

I am 30, married and I don’t have much experience with guys but I think it is weird to be friends with a girl who you love but who shares no mutual feelings. It seems like that would make you feel like your heart was being ripped out on a regular basis. I would tell her how I feel or wait until an opportune time when she is single and if it doesn’t work out between you two, or if she gets married, I would discontinue the relationship. It would be too painful. My two cents.

 

[bjess8411]

I was thinking about it more, and I think you should actually just pray about it that God will give her mutual feelings if it is meant to be. If/ when she does get married and you can’t get over her, I think you should end the relationship. I wouldn’t want my husband hanging around a woman who had feelings for him.

 

[loz87]

Okay, one last thing: you aren’t exactly marrying tomorrow, but you certainly realize what dating is for. And that means you kinda have to spend a minute or two thinking if the girl’s ready to tackle that angle, at least tentatively. That means not maybe commit right away but at least be serious and self-aware enough to gravitate towards a lifelong relationship, i.e. marriage, at least as the ultimate goal. Which, as a minimum, includes not getting involved in too casual relationships that in no way have marriage in the picture but are based on someone’s being sweet or hot. So you gotta consider her maturity. Not judge her, but just answer yourself some questions as to whether you should be pursuing her.

In any case, you need to find balance and to take good care of your education right now. This includes all sorts of lessons and courses, formal or not, that aren’t mandatory but will benefit you in the long run, such as extra internships that help you come out better in competitive recruitment by employers. It may include figuring out the answers to some questions of a different nature, e.g. emotions or some parts of your biography, or stress etc. and other things you need to deal with and put in order. So if you don’t really have to, don’t divert your energy to fleeting romantic prospects, dating etc. If you had a strong and deep feeling on your hands, backed by a strong sense of vocation, a history together etc., it would be a different matter. But for just looking for a girl or getting social or checking out if there’s a future there will be plenty enough time later on.

Thank you so much for this response! I am fully aware of the purpose of dating and I do have marriage as a long-term goal . All I can do it wait for her to breakup with her current boyfriend. But at the same time, I will keep my options open for other girls .

 

[loz87]

People don’t normally realize those things until they’re told or have had an opportunity to look at their own reactions from a bit of a distance.

It’s also possible that all the tension (‘obsessing’ etc.) has wearied you and lowered your resistance, making you more susceptible. Got to regenerate your stamina and your resistance.

As far as actually telling her goes, the question isn’t even really whether to tell her but how or what for.

If you tell her just to take it off your chest, it probably won’t work. She might console you and say it’s fine and all, but it’s not really a way to win her over to the idea.

If you do something desperate, she will sense it, and it won’t work. In fact, she would actually be doing the right thing, since people who are brought to such extremes emotionally as you would be showing on that occasion aren’t really prepared to make serious commitments, forget decisions about their own future (or someone else’s). It’s not really a fit state to be taking responsibility for someone (considering, among other things, how difficult it is to rein one’s own self in).

On the other hand, I would oppose the idea of drafting politically correct, crafted statements. Those too introduce unnecessary drama with all the disclaimers and affirmations and whatever else there is in them. ‘After affirming your independence and privacy I would to tentatively propose a non-invasive, non-committal suggestion for your consideration.’ Naaah, seriously. No offence, but… one’s gotta realize how that sort of thing sounds.

Finally, going against my earlier declaration a bit, I think the girl has already given you an answer as to the ‘whether’, too. Obviously, I can’t be 100% sure, but it seems to me she hasn’t exactly jumped at the opportunity when she’s had it, right? She has known all this time that you’ve been interested in the past, and she must be aware that those things don’t just disappear overnight, i.e. that you are probably still interested in dating her whenever she’s free. It’s obviously a different question whether the social mores in her circle would allow her to approach you, give you signs, perhaps not. But in any case it just doesn’t look like she’s particularly enthusiastic about your interest in her.

Okay, one last thing: you aren’t exactly marrying tomorrow, but you certainly realize what dating is for. And that means you kinda have to spend a minute or two thinking if the girl’s ready to tackle that angle, at least tentatively. That means not maybe commit right away but at least be serious and self-aware enough to gravitate towards a lifelong relationship, i.e. marriage, at least as the ultimate goal. Which, as a minimum, includes not getting involved in too casual relationships that in no way have marriage in the picture but are based on someone’s being sweet or hot. So you gotta consider her maturity. Not judge her, but just answer yourself some questions as to whether you should be pursuing her.

In any case, you need to find balance and to take good care of your education right now. This includes all sorts of lessons and courses, formal or not, that aren’t mandatory but will benefit you in the long run, such as extra internships that help you come out better in competitive recruitment by employers. It may include figuring out the answers to some questions of a different nature, e.g. emotions or some parts of your biography, or stress etc. and other things you need to deal with and put in order. So if you don’t really have to, don’t divert your energy to fleeting romantic prospects, dating etc. If you had a strong and deep feeling on your hands, backed by a strong sense of vocation, a history together etc., it would be a different matter. But for just looking for a girl or getting social or checking out if there’s a future there will be plenty enough time later on.

Thank you so much for this response! I am fully aware of the purpose of dating and I do have marriage as a long-term goal . All I can do it wait for her to breakup with her current boyfriend. But at the same time I will keep my options open for other girls .

 

[loz87]

I was thinking about it more, and I think you should actually just pray about it that God will give her mutual feelings if it is meant to be. If/ when she does get married and you can’t get over her, I think you should end the relationship. I wouldn’t want my husband hanging around a woman who had feelings for him.

Thank you so much for your responses. We are not in a relationship, she has a boyfriend currently, but I will pray for her to have mutual feelings and for me to be patient with her. I feel in my heart that something is meant to be between me and this girl .

 

[TarkanAttila]

If she’s a mature, wise woman, she should be able to handle your feelings, if spoken tactfully and respectful of the fact she’s got a boyfriend.

I did the same thing with a girl whom I’ve known for a few years, and who recently got engaged. She politely accepted my feelings and told me it didn’t bother her. Mind you, I haven’t seen her for a good few months. But that aside, it seemed to have been harmless. I got that emotional weight off my chest, honestly and respectfully. And it was nothing she hadn’t heard before. All will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

Of course, we were decent friends. If she’s more or less a stranger or not much of a friend to you… may not want to try this.