Should I continue to warn my brother not to co-habitate with his fiance?

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rebekahsp

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My brother is engaged to be married in the church, both are baptized Catholics. Their wedding is not until next summer, and they never lived together while dating. Since he is going to graduate school in another state and she is starting a new career, they somehow think that it is a good idea to buy a house and live together the year before their marriage. I have tried to talk to him about this and so has my dad, but nothing really seems to get through to him. I understand that I can’t change his mind, and I have been taking my concerns to prayer. I also know that if you love someone and they are in danger you can’t just sit and watch them self destruct either.

I am also worried because we have become so close now that we are older; I hate to compromise our relationship at this point, but I just feel I have no choice. Any advice?
 
You can remind him of the Church’s teaching on the issue, and warn him that out of love for soul you may have no choice but to raise this issue to his Priest, or the Priest whom they are going to use for their Marriage ceremony. After that, you pray, pray, pray…
 
You have had your say and he is old enough to make his own mistakes. It is time to back off and pray for him and your future sister-in-law.
 
Catholic1954 said:
You have had your say and he is old enough to make his own mistakes. It is time to back off and pray for him and your future sister-in-law.
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I completely agree with the above advice.
I do not know how old you are, but has anyone ever told you can be right and terribly wrong at the same time?
If you push this subject any further with your brother and future sister-in-law, you stand a very good chance that you will cause all kinds of hate and discontent within your family; and, even though your intentions may be good, by following “the letter of the law” regarding your brothers behavior, you will be committing a sin by causing familial discontent. Such discontent takes years to heal!
 
You’ve already spoken to him on this topic. You don’t need to do it again and again to be a good Catholic, especially since you said above that you know you can’t change his mind. Let it drop. 👍
 
rebekahsp said:
My brother is engaged to be married in the church, both are baptized Catholics. Their wedding is not until next summer, and they never lived together while dating. Since he is going to graduate school in another state and she is starting a new career, they somehow think that it is a good idea to buy a house and live together the year before their marriage. I have tried to talk to him about this and so has my dad, but nothing really seems to get through to him. I understand that I can’t change his mind, and I have been taking my concerns to prayer. I also know that if you love someone and they are in danger you can’t just sit and watch them self destruct either.

I am also worried because we have become so close now that we are older; I hate to compromise our relationship at this point, but I just feel I have no choice. Any advice?
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I think it is a different generation now and most people do live with each other before marriage, even though it can be considered wrong. But sure they are getting married so I would think what harm. Sin is not really thaught like years ago anymore. I would say nearly 99% of couples live together before they get married. You just got to accept it. New generation new ideas. Maybe better to find out what a man/women is like before getting married because you could be stuck with big problems. Its the way life is now my friend, just got 2 accept people and love them.
 
Pug said:
You’ve already spoken to him on this topic. You don’t need to do it again and again to be a good Catholic, especially since you said above that you know you can’t change his mind. Let it drop. 👍
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I agree with pug. Very good advice 🙂
 
catholicsaint said:
I think it is a different generation now and most people do live with each other before marriage, even though it can be considered wrong.
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“Can be considered wrong”?! This is a Catholic the OP is talking about, on a Catholic forum, seeking a Catholic answer, and you are presenting you opinion as a Catholic…so the teachings of Christ’s Church apply. It IS wrong…not “can be considered wrong”. It doesn’t matter what generation we are in…the Church does not sway with the generations, it professes an objective and unchanging Truth.
But sure they are getting married so I would think what harm.
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The harm is that such a couple would be living in sin, and sin is an act against God, and our goal as Christians is to know, love, and serve the Lord…not offend Him with our sin.
Sin is not really thaught like years ago anymore. I would say nearly 99% of couples live together before they get married.
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Irrelevant. Truth does not change just because culture does. Sin is still sin, even if everyone is doing it.
You just got to accept it. New generation new ideas.
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Since we are discussing Catholics in regards to Catholic teaching, please provide the Catholic teaching, or the Biblical source if you choose, that supports such a comment. The only Scripture passages and Church teachings I have been able to find say the exact opposite of this. So, please provide the source for this comment, and if there is not one, are you suggesting that we can just toss out the Bible and the teaching of Christ’s Church so that we can ‘get with the times’?
Maybe better to find out what a man/women is like before getting married because you could be stuck with big problems. Its the way life is now my friend, just got 2 accept people and love them.
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No problem with this, in the context that accepting and loving a person does not mean accepting and loving sin.
 
Catholicsaint, I was a bit snippy with you earlier. I apologize. Please allow me to try a different approach:

We are called to correct the sinner, with love and respect, but in any case, not to suffer sin upon him/her. The reality is that there does come a point when we have said what we can, within our authority to say it, and we have to place it in God’s Hands (not just then, but especially then). However, we must certainly not accept sin just because sin is popular.

I wrote a blog on the topic some time ago, focusing primarily on Scripture. I think you might enjoy it:

Fraternal Correction…it’s what’s for Dinner! 🙂
 
ahs said:
“Can be considered wrong”?! This is a Catholic the OP is talking about, on a Catholic forum, seeking a Catholic answer, and you are presenting you opinion as a Catholic…so the teachings of Christ’s Church apply. It IS wrong…not “can be considered wrong”. It doesn’t matter what generation we are in…the Church does not sway with the generations, it professes an objective and unchanging Truth.

The harm is that such a couple would be living in sin, and sin is an act against God, and our goal as Christians is to know, love, and serve the Lord…not offend Him with our sin.

Irrelevant. Truth does not change just because culture does. Sin is still sin, even if everyone is doing it.

Since we are discussing Catholics in regards to Catholic teaching, please provide the Catholic teaching, or the Biblical source if you choose, that supports such a comment. The only Scripture passages and Church teachings I have been able to find say the exact opposite of this. So, please provide the source for this comment, and if there is not one, are you suggesting that we can just toss out the Bible and the teaching of Christ’s Church so that we can ‘get with the times’?

No problem with this, in the context that accepting and loving a person does not mean accepting and loving sin.
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Ok, ahs you are right but that can be hard for some catholics to live by. But never the less I can not find any fault in your statement. I was only saying what I hear every day and I can just follow like a sheep at times because it is easy to follow the world. Point taken ok !!

I think the catholic church has changed. If you look in parishes, some preists care about sin and some kind of have a watered down approach. Some presits just follow the world ways and I have heard people say that and saw it also in parishes. I love Vatican 1. But I find it hard to follow Vatican 2. All I was saying was the generation now is going down the sink and sometimes its easier to be a sheep and say maaaa. Its so hard to live by God when everywere you look we told to look this way, act this way, eat this, drink this. I think this generation has been brain washed by the devil. Most people don’t know they are sinning or they think sin is a fairy story. Thank God iam catholic but I can struggle at times. But you are right ahs, your opinon ranks high with me !!!
 
Living with your significant other before marriage may be a bad idea for many reasons, but it is not inherently sinful to do so in and of itself. You’ve already given him your opinion, now it’s time to back off
 
I agree that since you have already spoken to him about it (and your dad has too), there is nothing else you can do at this point. Continuing to bring it up will only serve to damage your relationship.
 
Debora123 said:
Living with your significant other before marriage may be a bad idea for many reasons, but it is not inherently sinful to do so in and of itself. You’ve already given him your opinion, now it’s time to back off
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Debora123, with the up-most respect, come on. When 2 people live with each other the rest writes it-self. Years ago people got married and the had sexual encounters. There was a reason for this. I think if your going to live with each other before your married its common sense you will have sexual encounters with them in all fairness.

In the 1960s if you lived with your partner before you got married everyone would think you are commiting fornification. But no one cares anymore. But it does not matter if you are sleeping with your partner or not because it is still a scandal to the community. Its like giving me some food when iam starving and telling me not to eat it. Sorry for being so graphic.
 
catholicsaint said:
Debora123, with the up-most respect, come on. When 2 people live with each other the rest writes it-self. Years ago people got married and the had sexual encounters. There was a reason for this. I think if your going to live with each other before your married its common sense you will have sexual encounters with them in all fairness.

In the 1960s if you lived with your partner before you got married everyone would think you are commiting fornification. But no one cares anymore. But it does not matter if you are sleeping with your partner or not because it is still a scandal to the community. Its like giving me some food when iam starving and telling me not to eat it. Sorry for being so graphic.
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Actually, I know of multiple devout Christian couples who moved in together while engaged for practical reasons and financial reasons, and still waited until the wedding night to have sex.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea to move in together. I most certainly didn’t, and would discourage others from doing it. But as I said, living with your significant other in and of itself is not inherently sinful.
 
Thanks to everyone for their comments. I am not simply doing this to “be holier than thou” I have lived in sin and have learned the hard way. I guess I just understand in a greater sense that sin isn’t just a trite thing, that it is harmful to the person in so many ways, because we were made for more. I worry for him because marriages that begin in cohabitation have a much greater failure rate. We come from a divorced family and we are both broken by it. Also in addition- my father talked to him about in a non-Catholic sense which makes things much more complicated. He suggested that my brother just go to get married by the justice of he peace or whatever (speedily) instead of getting married in the church to avoid living together, which is terrible advice in my opinion. I honestly just don’t think it will kill him to be out maybe like $2-to-3,000 to live separately and preserve his married life. Thanks again.
 
Every married couple I know got married after living together. I also know quite a few established couples who have lived together for many years and have no intention of ever getting married. So, to put some positive spin on this, at least they plan to marry.

Ya know, your dads idea isn’t bad. Have you told him you are worried for his and his fiancee’s souls and the future of their marriage? Have you suggested they have a very small wedding before they move in together? By small I mean them, a couple witnesses, and the priest? A lot of people put off marrying because they want a big wedding. It’s expensive and takes a lot of time to arrange. Maybe sell them on the idea of a very small exchange of vows now and a big reception and honeymoon later or even a renewal of vows ceremony and reception and honeymoon later.

I totally understand how you feel. I have a brother I worry about, too. He’s 28 with a live in GF and 3 kids. For some stupid reason, he has decided marriage is not for him. Annoys and worries me to no end. I don’t understand how he can say he is committed to his GF and their kids for life and yet won’t marry her. He knows how I feel about the subject. We’ve had one serious argument about it, so now I just mention it occasionally and hope/pray.
 
rebekahsp said:
Since he is going to graduate school in another state and she is starting a new career, they somehow think that it is a good idea to buy a house and live together the year before their marriage.
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Actually, this is a really dumb idea and it has nothing to do with Catholicism. Unmarried couples of any religion or non-religion shouldn’t be buying houses together, or making other such long term commitments that they can’t walk away from. It can get really ugly is one of the parties decide they don’t want to get married and they’re stuck with a house.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
Actually, this is a really dumb idea and it has nothing to do with Catholicism. Unmarried couples of any religion or non-religion shouldn’t be buying houses together, or making other such long term commitments that they can’t walk away from. It can get really ugly is one of the parties decide they don’t want to get married and they’re stuck with a house.
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Thewarriormonk , yes these problems are all the nature of sin. In a way we can leave out religion as such , but Gods laws allways make sense. So doesn’t matter which road we take in life , we will allways fall if we don’t respect Gods laws. You should be married before any serious responsibilities are taken on. Iam glad , the warriormonk has made such a sensible point. God bless guys 🙂
 
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