Should I Cut Her Out?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tempelritter
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on_the_hill said:
Easier said than done, particularly in matters of the heart. 🙂
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Yes.

If a period of grieving is needed, that would be normal and understandable. There is no need to stand around pretending that you’re not disappointed, either. Don’t make big scenes, but there is no need to pretend that finding you aren’t wanted as a love interest doesn’t turn a hair. You can be private about it if you want, but that is up to you. Anyone who expects others to be stoic over romantic set-backs needs to jump in a lake.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
“Cutting her off” seems a bit dramatic and, quite honestly, immature. If I were you I’d gradually become less and less available to her. Nothing drastic; nothing sudden; simply increasingly busy with other things or other people. I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings. In any case, there is nothing that says you cannot remain friends with this girl.
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I agree with this advice. St. Thomas Moore would also agree. When he had “differences” with people he was never rude he just found less and less time to share with those folks.

Annie
 
I’ve had personal experience with this. Basically, she doesn’t find you attractive or doesn’t see you as a suitable mate for some reason or another, or both of these.

She’s extremely unlikely to change her position on this and, even if you somehow convinced her to date you, it is extremely unlikely to succeed because this view of you by her won’t change.

Give it up.

Also, I find that women often want to continue friendships with men who have shone interest
in them, but men aren’t wired that way emotionally or psychologically. You will always be attracted to her and her continued rejection of you as a mate will only frustrate you.

God bless.
 
I do appreciate all of the advice, and the assessments, which I think are quite accurate, so I’m dealing with that. But what I meant originally isn’t that I’m still pursuing her, or just staying close to make something happen. Rather, I’m happy being her friend, but I still have those feelings for her - it’s really not something that one can switch on and off - so being around her and knowing that it’ll never be anything more is difficult. What I was getting at originally is whether it might be better just to end our friendship because the dynamic there is just causing too much hurt on my part.
 
Tempelritter said:
I do appreciate all of the advice, and the assessments, which I think are quite accurate, so I’m dealing with that. But what I meant originally isn’t that I’m still pursuing her, or just staying close to make something happen. Rather, I’m happy being her friend, but I still have those feelings for her - it’s really not something that one can switch on and off - so being around her and knowing that it’ll never be anything more is difficult. What I was getting at originally is whether it might be better just to end our friendship because the dynamic there is just causing too much hurt on my part.
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I think a better word might be to “reframe” your friedndship. It is punishing yourself to be this close. Don’t punish yourself. That is not the same as ending the friendship. It is taking the friendship in a more realistic direction, a direction that gives you room to lick this wound and to look for the best friend that you can marry. I think she will understand that…that is that you need some space and some time with different friends. Do that.
 
EasterJoy said:
I think a better word might be to “reframe” your friedndship. It is punishing yourself to be this close. Don’t punish yourself. That is not the same as ending the friendship. It is taking the friendship in a more realistic direction, a direction that gives you room to lick this wound and to look for the best friend that you can marry. I think she will understand that…that is that you need some space and some time with different friends. Do that.
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Yes, and it will help when you find someone who is more than “friend.”
 
Tempelritter said:
I do appreciate all of the advice, and the assessments, which I think are quite accurate, so I’m dealing with that. But what I meant originally isn’t that I’m still pursuing her, or just staying close to make something happen. Rather, I’m happy being her friend, but I still have those feelings for her - it’s really not something that one can switch on and off - so being around her and knowing that it’ll never be anything more is difficult. What I was getting at originally is whether it might be better just to end our friendship because the dynamic there is just causing too much hurt on my part.
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If you’re not going to pursue this and you are hurting, it is a good idea to back off for a while. I don’t know about ending things completely cold turkey, but maybe spend time with other friends or find other things and interests.

This skill will actually help your dating life in the future. Women are attracted to men who have a life.

I can tell you though that what you are feeling now can be some sore baggage if you started to date someone else.
 
Y’all guys are oblivious of one thing the OP said right on the first page:
Tempelritter said:
It’s that, plus her actions and comments aren’t really appropriate for a “friends” context. Our mutual friends noticed that and thought we are dating. That’s what makes this difficult.
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It isn’t just the OP’s wishful thinking or some other form of bias because:
Tempelritter said:
It’s that, plus her actions and comments aren’t really appropriate for a “friends” context. Our mutual friends noticed that and thought we are dating. That’s what makes this difficult.
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This isn’t about ‘judging’ the girl but about the inconsistency therein. There are at least mixed signals here, so I can’t agree with all the comments saying the girl has supposedly made her intentions clear etc.
 
chevalier said:
Y’all guys are oblivious of one thing the OP said right on the first page:

It isn’t just the OP’s wishful thinking or some other form of bias because:

This isn’t about ‘judging’ the girl but about the inconsistency therein. There are at least mixed signals here, so I can’t agree with all the comments saying the girl has supposedly made her intentions clear etc.
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Well, “mutual friends” are the ones who come up with jump-rope songs like “Jon and Bessie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”, so I wouldn’t put an inordinate amount of stock in their judgment about the reality of the situation. It is definitely fair, however, to take their remarks as proof that the OP isn’t nuts when it comes to the kind of signals a man could fairly take from the young woman’s behavior. She might not have meant that, but that doesn’t mean he’s flattering himself for taking her words and actions in that way.

If what she says and does continually sends the wrong signal, it isn’t out of line to put in some distance. The OP has the right to act according to what his sense is; he doesn’t have to defer to her sense of things. He can’t cross boundaries she sets, but he doesn’t have to play by her rules. He can change fields, that is OK, and not a violation of the usual terms of friendship.
 
You don’t need to be so dramatic as to cut her out of your life completely but neither should you expect much from her. Young women like to offer “let’s be friends” when they are not attracted to someone but don’t want to seem like a bad person. I don’t think that the two of you can really go back to being just friends since you still have strong feelings for her. The best thing for you to do is to appear to have lost interest in her and then move on! Focus on other people and other women. There are many fish in the sea so go and find them. Work on being your very best and there will be another girl who will joyfully date you.
 
Demetra2 said:
You don’t need to be so dramatic as to cut her out of your life completely but neither should you expect much from her. Young women like to offer “let’s be friends” when they are not attracted to someone but don’t want to seem like a bad person. I don’t think that the two of you can really go back to being just friends since you still have strong feelings for her. The best thing for you to do is to appear to have lost interest in her and then move on! Focus on other people and other women. There are many fish in the sea so go and find them. Work on being your very best and there will be another girl who will joyfully date you.
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It is very possible to have a great friend who doesn’t interest us romantically. Think of you good friends of opposite sexes. Some would make great teammates, classmates, colleagues, or friends for each other, but wouldn’t work as spouses.
 
The fact that she behaves in a way that’s more germane to the context of dating is rather troubling. It seems like she expects a sort of boyfriend output from you (the constant expenditure of time and energy, not to mention admiration) without reciprocation from her. This arrangement is totally one-sided and unilateral, it will cause you great emotional damage, and hamper your efforts to find “that one” for years to come.

Get out now.

Many times, young women find it “creepy” when a guy, acting as a presumptive friend, bursts out with his suppressed feelings and fantasies for her. In some of those cases, the woman will put distance between her and the guy, usually by only wanting to go out in groups, bringing other guys along, etc. But in your case, it sounds like she simply has you on a rope. It’s your choice whether you stay wrapped up around her finger or not. I also can’t help but wonder if this is developing into an obsession on your end, in which case you MUST be honest about it and immediately find other diversions: Volunteer work, a second job, helping out as sacristan/master of ceremonies at the nearest liturgically-sound parish, etc.

Some folks in the West today, including in modern Catholicism/Christianity, tend to believe that (especially younger) women usually have the purest of motives. They’ll also invoke the sexual revolution and campus hookup culture to demonstrate the behavioral and moral recklessness of modern men. It’s funny, however, that so many guys go through 4+ years of college, never experiencing the hookup scene at all (there are many on this forum, for starters). Lost upon these folks is the fact that women also have innate free will. Thus, in instinctively trying to remedy the hookup situation, some see it as good punishment and discipline for guys to stay put in a hopeless, non-romantic situation. The shaming of being “immature” and self-serving by wanting to reduce the pain you already feel, leave this “friendship” behind and pursue the worthy goal of finding someone right for you is demonstrative of my point. This isn’t about “objectifying” or “using women.” It’s about finding the one God has chosen for you, and you should let no one divert you from that objective.

Good luck and many prayers.
 
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