Should I divorce?

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1964hotrod

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I have been married three years to “Tracy.” We are 29 and have been trying to have a baby for over a year. Recently, we got some medical workups done to see what the problem is and it turns out Tracy will never be able to get pregnant.

This isn’t one of those “maybe someday a miracle will occur” deals, Tracy is 100% infertile and for sure will never be able to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy.

This is not what we were expecting to hear, and before we went I told her that if I was the problem and it couldn’t be fixed, I would let her divorce me no questions asked. I know she wants to have her own kids, be pregnant, and all that, and I’m not going to be the one to keep her from that dream. But, the problem is not me, my stuff is fine.

I will be honest at the risk of sounding like a jerk - I don’t want to be childless and I don’t want to take on someone else’s kid. I am young and healthy and like most guys, I want to see my own children be born and raise them. This is just part of normal life; I don’t want to just live alone with a wife and no family. On top of that, I hate when people say “just adopt” like it’s so easy and no problem. Most people who I know that are adopted have serious issues with being abandoned by their parents, and it’s usually pretty screwed up despite how everyone thinks it’s so great. I don’t think its wrong to say that I want my own biological kids.

Tracy and I are young and could just go our separate ways so that we could have the lives we want. I could meet someone who can have kids and she could meet someone who doesn’t want any or is cool with adopting. This just makes sense to me since one of the biggest reasons we got married is never going to happen. Tracy thinks if we wait long enough I will agree to adoption and then be glad I did. I am all for just handling things straightforward and taking the most practical and simplest route. We don’t own a home or have pets or kids, splitting will be easy and uncomplicated.

Of course we were married in the church but I think we could get an annulment since Tracy isn’t capable of producing a family. I don’t want to be a jerk here but am I wrong?
 
With your attitude, it doesn’t sound like you are into church teaching, much. So, as a result I say “yes”, get a divorce. You are right when you say you are both young and can move on with your lives. You will be doing her a favor. Doesn’t sound like you married her with the intent of following Church teaching, so an annulment (should she want one) would probably be granted.

Next time you get married, may I suggest you get the fertility check ups done prior to the wedding? That way, no surprises, since this issue seems to be a dealbreaker for you.
 
It’s the “I joined 19 minutes ago and this is my first post.” Perhaps the news lately just makes me cynical.
 
So you know it’s been a dream of your wife to be a mother. She’s just found out that won’t be possible and your first thought is “I want out”.

You sound like a real winner. Quite frankly, she could do so much better with someone who actually cares about her.
 
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Are vows not “in sickness and in health”?

I understand that you are probably very upset right now, but please pray about this. I feel you need to give this time. If you are struggling to love your own wife by the vows you took, maybe you’re not ready for the kind of love required with parenthood. This is a painful cross for her to bear, too. I will pray for you both.
 
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As others have said, infertility is not grounds for annulment. However, I think you might have grounds based on your compromised consent to a sacramental marriage. Your brief common life and what sounds like a fairly abrupt change of heart after hearing your medical news is probably pretty good evidence for this. But don’t listen to any of us; talk this over with your priest.

You sound so cool and hard… but I’m guessing underneath all this, you’re probably pretty ripped up too. I’m extraordinarily reluctant to give you any advice at all, but I’m wondering if you should simply wait and see how the Spirit moves In you. In the meantime, I too will keep you and your wife in my best prayers…
 
1964hotrod said:
I don’t want to be a jerk here but am I wrong?
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Your wife must be absolutely devastated. First she finds out she can never have a child, and then she finds out her husband doesn’t consider marriage to be for life. Not one word about loving her, either. You just want to discard her like a broken toy.

I am so very sad for her. I hope she has family close by, and good friends, to help her through this.
 
Of course sterility isn’t ground for nullity.

But I think you may already know that, and you just want to test to be sure…

I am very sorry for your family.
 
Hi @1964hotrod,

I’m very sorry for the devastating news that both you and your wife received.

I think that all of us want to be parents, and when that doesn’t happen for us, it can be one of the most heart-breaking situations that we have to deal with in life.

My husband and I have been/are where you are, except that we are both much older than you. We both have fertility issues, between the both of us.

I would encourage you to just take a step back for now, and try to look at your situation a bit more objectively, when you are not so upset.

I believe that we are to take our wedding vows seriously, and are to love our spouses, even in circumstances like these–even more so in times like these, in my opinion.

I have been married for a little over 35 years now. I have been through the “better and worse” part of marriage.

From my own personal experience, you go through the rough times, not giving up either on your spouse or on your marriage.

I agree with those who recommend talking to your Pastor. He can help you through the rough times in your marriage.

May God comfort you and your wife in this difficult time. ❤️

Prayers said for you both, that you both may be strengthened, too.
 
What would you have done had she been diagnosed with ovarian cancer? Would you abandon her then? If she had been paralyzed in a car accident, would you pack your bags? What if you had come down with ALS? Would you tell her she should go?
Marriage is about supporting each other no matter what comes your way.
By the way, my wife is a 14 year ovarian cancer survivor, so don’t think it doesn’t happen.
 
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