Should I even try

[blessedwith3]

I have other posts on here about my marriage, so I will explain briefly. My husband of 8 years told me about a month ago. We have two little children and I am pregnant with our third. He says he is not in love with me, feels completely disconnected from me, he has felt this way for a long time (years) according to him has just been holding on to hope. I found out about an affair, which he denied then finally admitted to, that started just a week before he announced divorce. He says he will never love me again and there is no chance to fix our marriage, but he still needs more information because of the children. I feel like he is a completely different man than 2 months ago, one who always fought to stay together, be he keeps reassuring me that this is him and he just is not the man I thought he was. He has not cut off the affair, but if he is being honest they are only talking as friends. I am trying so hard to be patient and caring, but I am exhausted. I have been praying nonstop, but I have told God to just be with me in rest today. I keep hoping my old husband will just show up, and then I’m disappointed again. I believe in God’s word and that marriage should not be broken, and so my husband says too, but not in our case. However, he doesn’t seem to care when I cry, doesn’t show remorse for the affair, will not go to a priest, or counselor and even though I was so filled with hope, I am beginning to feel defeated. Should I even try? I feel like I keep doing the wrong things. My husband wanted to keep everything hush hush until after divorce and so I tried to bring in family who would help, now he says there is no going back. What is there left for me to do now? My kids do not deserve this, and honestly the baby I am carrying is not getting a fair start in life.

 

[bernadettefaith]

It’s never too late. Never stop praying. Miracles do happen. I’ve been following your situation and I am so very sorry. For now, focusing on your children and taking care of yourself is most important. Praying for you!

I know he declined counseling, but any chance he will consider Retrouvaille? It might be worth bringing up (if you haven’t already) even if he would most likely say no.

 

[Ophelia23]

It’s never too late. Never stop praying. Miracles do happen. I’ve been following your situation and I am so very sorry. For now, focusing on your children and taking care of yourself is most important. Praying for you!

I second this. Never stop praying. Think of the Gospel reading from just a few weeks ago of the widow and the judge. The judge, who did not believe in God and did not have respect for any person, was approached by the widow. She asked him to give her a just resolution to her case. Day after day after day, she returned and asked for a just resolution. Eventually, the judge tired of hearing from her and also worried she might strike him, so just to make it all stop he gave her a fair ruling. Think about it. How much more, then, would a God who loves us deeply and intimately, be willing to answer our plea? Not even a bird falls from the sky without God knowing. He hears us. He hears our prayers. What we need to have is persistence. Your prayers will be answered. They may not be answered immediately, and you may not receive the answer you expect and/or want, but they WILL be answered. Pray without ceasing.

Saint Monica prayed for more than 20 years for the conversion of her son. Look what a wonder St. Augustine turned out to be for all of us. Have hope. God loves you. Keep praying. I am praying with you. I am so, so terribly sorry for your heartache. I try to imagine myself in your shoes, and it brings tears to my eyes.

 

[St_Francis]

In the book Divorce Busting which I recommended on another thread, she says, ask for 6 months. Do a search for those words because there are online resources.

The other thing is, don’t be sad and clingy and angry. You are currently fighting a fantasy woman who is completely perfect, and you will not come off well in comparison if all he sees is a woman who is not together at all. Now, personally I can understand your feeling totally furious, incredibly sad, unbelievably betrayed… that is completely normal! But as a strategy, guilting him won’t really help.

Get the book either at your library or through interlibrary loan if you can’t afford to buy it. Naturally it can’t guarantee your marriage will be saved but it provides the best info I have heard.

In the meantime, check out some of the resources (I have not done so) while waiting for a copy of the book. Esp see if you can find out about the 6-month thing. If I find something I will let you know.

 

[St_Francis]

Here is info on not clinging. Link 1 It’s a blog post but I can’t find any more. Some of the other entries on that site lead to ads for expensive things, so this may be the only good thing there.

 

[St_Francis]

One of the things I remember from the book is to look at what was happening whenn things were better between the two people. Here’s a quick articleabout one changing oneself that might help.

 

[strangemark]

you might try to understand what his understanding of a covenant marrage is-- obviously his idea and expectations of a marrage covenant is different than what the church views- or even the maternational contract that the state has-

as you both have a different idea of the marrage contract-- and solution

Can Narcissists Truly Love?

youtu.be/QOAdY3mqNJ0

 

[blessedwith3]

One of the things I remember from the book is to look at what was happening whenn things were better between the two people. Here’s a quick articleabout one changing oneself that might help.

Thank you for these resources. I have heard before to let a lot go, let me tell you it is so hard. Every time he picks up the phone I wonder if its her, every time he leaves I wonder “is that where he’s going?” This guy is so new, because he has never lied to me before, and when he started I knew it. He finally broke down and told me everything, but now I am seeing variations of sides to him and I am so confused. I don’t know when he’s being honest and not. But I do know I need to back off because I can’t change his mind. I just keep thinking if he comes back to me, I can forgive him, but how will I ever know that he’s being honest again. Will he have another complete character change? And the fact that he thinks he’s is doing God’s will is so infuriating, this is not what God wants.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you for these resources. I have heard before to let a lot go, let me tell you it is so hard. Every time he picks up the phone I wonder if its her, every time he leaves I wonder “is that where he’s going?” This guy is so new, because he has never lied to me before, and when he started I knew it. He finally broke down and told me everything, but now I am seeing variations of sides to him and I am so confused. I don’t know when he’s being honest and not. But I do know I need to back off because I can’t change his mind. I just keep thinking if he comes back to me, I can forgive him, but how will I ever know that he’s being honest again. Will he have another complete character change? And the fact that he thinks he’s is doing God’s will is so infuriating, this is not what God wants.

Blessed,
I can only imagine how crazy you must be feeling right now. One thing I have been doing lately is whenever I start to worry and fret, I try to remember to take it as a sign to pray. Then I stop worrying, which is good because I can go overboard on that. Instead, I put it in God’s hands, which are much bigger and more capable than mine are.

Yes, it sounds like he is lying to you and lying to himself. I hope you have a close friend or sister or padtor or someone to just help you keep your perspective, who also manages not to run him down and make you feel angrier or worse.

 

[Viki63]

Dear Sister,
God bless you, praying for you.
Please focus for now on taking care of yourself, finding sources of happiness that are not in your husband, and taking care of your children.
He is being very selfish, let him stew in his own misery and leave him alone, is what I would do. And of course pray daily for him, for healing for his mind and heart,.

I divorced an abusive husband years ago, and now feel nothing but pity for him, for all the good times he missed watching his children grow up.
Rely for your happiness on Christ, your spouse, who will be always there for you and your children.

 

[blessedwith3]

Today things seem to br going well, besides my endless worrying. I feel like here is a little progress being made, but then my husband will say something like he doesn’t like anything about me and we should have never gotten married. I know I can’t try and analyze everything he says, but if feels like he is trying to convince me and himself of something that is not true. I don’t know. I guess I titled this should I even try, because I don’t know what will happen, I don’t know if his feelings for me will ever come back or if I am holding onto something I thought was there but is not. I really want our marriage to be what it never was before, but I am afraid and honestly impatient. I am still praying, hard everyday. It helps, keep praying for my husband and I too. Please I could use all the prayers and encouragement I can get just to motivate Me to keep trying.

 

[TryingToLearn]

I cannot begin to answer your question. The answer for me is different than the answer for you. I have experienced a lot of what you are experiencing, my wife said and did a lot of the same that your husband has said and done to you and your family.

The other advice you’ve received may or may not work for you. Every situation is different. And you have to be careful that you don’t put your hope in the general advice a book offers or the advice given after hearing one-side of the situation. That advice can be useful, but the best place to turn for help is turning to God.

But, let me offer you what I learned about turning to God with my marital problems… Turn to God in prayer and don’t just ask Him for the things you want and desire, ask Him the simple question, “What do you want me to do?” And listen. You can ask specifics about this situation or that. When you feel some sense of God given you something to do or focus on, you can ask for clarification, but listen and accept His guidance.

You may find the strangest things popping into your head when you ask. I’ve been prompted to volunteer for projects or committees, which seemed arbitrary and unrelated, but immediately or over time turned out to be very significant to the situation. I’ve been prompted to call a friend or stop by someone’s house or drop by the church or to pray for some odd petition. I recall one time being prompted to go buy ice cream, I know easy to think this was my stomach, but it was a pretty vivid image in my head that just wouldn’t go away as I kept trying to focus myself on God’s voice. So I got ice cream on the way home from church… and I arrived home to find a very sad daughter, upset that her friend was moving out of town, but she saw the ice cream and stopped her crying, and me and the three kids sat around eating ice cream laughing and smiling… it was what we all needed.

And, or course, I’ve had the more obvious promptings in how I should handle my marital situation…

There is great peace to be found in giving God permission to direct and lead you where He knows you need to be…

Give Him the opportunity to answer this question for you. He might point you towards advice you’ve read here. He might lead you to another source. He might tell you to go buy ice cream…

God knows what you need and how to get it to you, ask Him and trust Him.

 

[blessedwith3]

I cannot begin to answer your question. The answer for me is different than the answer for you. I have experienced a lot of what you are experiencing, my wife said and did a lot of the same that your husband has said and done to you and your family.

The other advice you’ve received may or may not work for you. Every situation is different. And you have to be careful that you don’t put your hope in the general advice a book offers or the advice given after hearing one-side of the situation. That advice can be useful, but the best place to turn for help is turning to God.

But, let me offer you what I learned about turning to God with my marital problems… Turn to God in prayer and don’t just ask Him for the things you want and desire, ask Him the simple question, “What do you want me to do?” And listen. You can ask specifics about this situation or that. When you feel some sense of God given you something to do or focus on, you can ask for clarification, but listen and accept His guidance.

You may find the strangest things popping into your head when you ask. I’ve been prompted to volunteer for projects or committees, which seemed arbitrary and unrelated, but immediately or over time turned out to be very significant to the situation. I’ve been prompted to call a friend or stop by someone’s house or drop by the church or to pray for some odd petition. I recall one time being prompted to go buy ice cream, I know easy to think this was my stomach, but it was a pretty vivid image in my head that just wouldn’t go away as I kept trying to focus myself on God’s voice. So I got ice cream on the way home from church… and I arrived home to find a very sad daughter, upset that her friend was moving out of town, but she saw the ice cream and stopped her crying, and me and the three kids sat around eating ice cream laughing and smiling… it was what we all needed.

And, or course, I’ve had the more obvious promptings in how I should handle my marital situation…

There is great peace to be found in giving God permission to direct and lead you where He knows you need to be…

Give Him the opportunity to answer this question for you. He might point you towards advice you’ve read here. He might lead you to another source. He might tell you to go buy ice cream…

God knows what you need and how to get it to you, ask Him and trust Him.

I really took what you said here yo heart. I went to speak to a lawyer the other day and he upset me so much I called my priest, who immediately met with me and was able to give me information of catholic divorce lawyer friend of his, who really tries to work on the marriage before divorce. I have not met with this lawyer yet, but I felt guided to talk to my priest right away and by doing so, go so much information, hope and guidance . I obviously still want my marriage to make is through this and prosper, but really opening my heart to what God is telling is helping me through this a little better. Thank you for your tip.