Should I Financially Support My Sister?

[EasterJoy]

e3342 said on this thread:

" I am blessed with a good middle class married existence."

However,

e3342 said on another thread just the other day:

Well, it was 31 years yesterday. It is very difficult living with such a clueless man. Right now, he is sick with Lymes disease, so I haven’t been bringing up our problems. But if he had his way, we’d just go on as we are. I simply can’t as long as he insists he did nothing wrong. In my state, you don’t need a lawyer to get legally separated. As Catholics, are we allowed to date others while separated?

This doesn’t sound like a you really feel blessed with a good middle class married existance.

See how inconsistancy in threads can confuse those trying to offer assistance.

Anyway----I just spent 6 yrs helping my older sister that has never been able to support herself because frankly she is a lazy slug. She would rather live off a man than get a real job and so when things got tight for her she asked to move in with me and my son with the stipulation that she had to pay her own way and work, that she could live with me but not live off of me. I was willing to give her a fresh start but she had to help herself too. Out of the 6yrs she lived with me she worked for only 2 yrs and only paid a small amount to live here. The last 4 years I paid her way. Finally, I couldn’t handle this anymore and I drove her back to Indiana. She must have had some $$$ somewhere because she was able to get a pretty nice apt and furniture and buy a brand new car. I drive a ‘92’ Buick.

Since you have “been blessed with a good middle class married existance” ORRRRR thinking about getting separated from your clueless husband and wondering if you (as a Catholic) can start dating again while separated--------
whichever the truth is, might be better off getting your ducks in a row and allow your sister to find her own way.

OHY VAY!

Someone says she is blessed, and you are arguing with her? Do we have to make a case in order to be entitled to be grateful, now? Oy vey, indeed!

No, her other threads do not confuse things. They are, in this case, irrelevant.

Financially and legally, the OP is married and has sound middle-class resources. She has enough, and she is grateful for it: hence, she considers herself blessed. In light of that, she wants to know what her moral obligations are towards her sister. Since it isn’t having problems that are financial in nature, the state of her marriage doesn’t have a lot to do with that. Rubbing salt in the wounds she does have really is not likely to be of “assistance.”

 

[e3342]

I feel bad, because whenever she calls, the subject inevitably gets around to her bad financial situation. She may be losing her house. I have brought up the subject of her chain smoking and drinking before, but she gets angry and changes the subject. She lives in a different state than I do. I feel bad, because she is not married, and has no kids. She leaned on our parents financially all her life, and now that they are both gone, I think she feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her. I know she has been on the border of a nervous breakdown. If I told her to move in here with me, and that I’d take care of her for the rest of her life, I know she’d be here in a heartbeat. I simply will not do that. I feel awful about that, but she squandered money her whole life. We were never close growing up. I like that we are closer now (we can chat like girlfriends on the phone), but every now and then, I get an off-hand remark that is supposed to be subtle, about how I was always the goody two-shoes child in the family, never did anything wrong, and that according to her, everyone had to walk on egg shells around me, the youngest, because they were told I needed to be protected. This is all bullsh -t, and news to me. Now that you know all little more about the background of my story, do you have any suggestions for me? Again, if you are one of those posters who offers their advice in the form of sarcasm dressed up as compassion, please do not respond. Thank you.

 

[jmcrae]

My sister is single and has always struggled financially. However, she is a chain smoker, drinks heavily, and has never been good with money. I am blessed with a good middle class married existence. She drops hints a lot about how broke she is. In the past, I have “loaned” her money. (It is never paid back), but I simply cannot do this forever. Both of our parents are gone now, so she has no one else to rely on. What should I do?

Just make sympathetic noises, and when she talks about how broke she is, just say something like, “Oh, I know, honey, I was just looking at the price of college tuition for the kids, and it looks like we’re going to have to scrape up every penny we can for the next (how long until the youngest turns 18) years - it’s just amazing how the time flies, and the money goes. So, are you thinking of getting a job, or what?”

 

[nurseryworker]

My advice remains the same. I grew up in a house where my father was irresponsible with his money. It burned a whole in his pocket until he spent it and then he would cajole, promise, threaten, yell, sweet-talk and/or sulk to get my mom to give him money. If she gave him money to pay a bill - it wouldn’t get paid. As an adult(me), my mom went home to Europe to visit family for a couple of months. My dad, at this point, was on public assistance because he had decided he didn’t want to work anymore. He called me up to ask me for money 'cause the gas bill was overdue and they were threatening to cut it off. Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t. I told him I didn’t have the money, he’d have to figure something out. Now, I did have the money - but I knew if I gave it to him, I would be taking on the role of my mother and that was not acceptable to me. That was the first and last time he’s asked me for money. He’s 71 and he still can’t make it to the end of month before he gets to the end of the money.

When my parents had to sell the house because it was too much for them there was a lot of animosity between my parents. My mother refused to look for an apartment and my dad is a procrastinator and just didn’t care to. I told them at the outset they weren’t living with me - I didn’t have the space, for one, and two, my parents would not respect my privacy as an adult if they did and three, once they moved in they wouldn’t move out. I never asked about the apartment hunt because I had already given them my boundary and they are adults. They were supposed to move two weeks after Thanksgiving. I had them over for the holiday dinner. My parents asked me if they could move in with me because they hadn’t found a place yet. Talk about awkward holiday! I told them no, they would have to try harder because I wasn’t an option. Don’t get me wrong - if I had a duplex setup - I’d have had no problem or if I knew they would respect my space and my house - but I knew they wouldn’t and I had already made it clear to them that I wasn’t an option. I also knew they hadn’t tried. The rest of dinner my mom sat across from me crying. Several days later I get a call that they found a place.

I’m not insensitive to the fact that saying no to family is difficult. Yes, they get upset when they are told no and yes, they will call you names and try to guilt you into it. If she can’t afford her bills then it’s not unreasonable to say, she can’t afford her cigarettes. It’s not like she’s on insulin and you are asking her to give up insulin. Cigarettes are damaging her health - I understand there is the addicition component but going by your post she doesn’t seem to want to change that. I’d offer to buy her nicorette or the patch, or give her a book on basic finances/budgeting but otherwise, I would be clear with her that you aren’t going to lend her money the way mom and dad did. If she gets mad, I’d say you’ve made your choice, why are you upset at me for your choices?

 

[DarkNight]

Only you can go to God for the answer to your question.

My story is quite complicated so suffice it to say that I am in a very similar situation.
I have been helping a dear friend for years and I have questioned “How long?” and “Is this the right thing to do?”

Talk with God about your questions & fears.
He will answer you just as He has answered (and continues to answer) me.
His answer to you may be completely different than His answer to me even though the circumstances are similar. And the answer may change over time so continue to ask Him.

What I have done to ease my fears

1. 
   *]I keep track of how much money I have “loaned”.
   It is a reality check; it is not because I expect to be repaid.
   When I total it up, it’s not as much as I would have guessed.
   
   *]I have switched from giving money to paying specific bills.
   This allows me to budget my money since the amount is standard.
   We no longer have uncomfortable conversations about varying amounts of money.
   My friend is grateful for my help and understands that I can not offer more.
   
   There are times you can say “No”. Do not feel you always have to give.
   God will let you know whether you should or shouldn’t. He will give you the strength for either situation.
   I can say this with conviction because He continues to answer me and give me the strength I need.
   
   I do know you are not in an easy situation. Whatever you do - remember Luke 6:32-36
   32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.
   36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
   
   Go with Love, Go with God

 

[Corinne3]

My advice remains the same too!

Hugs~