Should I give up pursuing this woman then?

[whatevergirl]

Thanks so much to everyone for their comments.

I’m fortunate that I have various friends who are girls or I should say sisters in Christ. But, I’m 31 and looking to explore the possibility of a relationship and marriage with someone.

Her precise words were “Thankyou for the offer of dinner. I would probably prefer to go for another coffee - as friends, possibly later on in August”.

Now, what to you suppose I should respond to that??

I think her words clearly indicate that with my invite to dinner, she recognised I was thinking not only of a platonic friendship but the possibility of a relationship. Is this her way of trying to take things very slowly just to see what, if anything might develop??
In short, did I maybe push things along too quickly from coffee to dinner??
would really appreciate your thoughts, especially with her words.

I was always told that the mention of friends was the death-knell of any potential romantic relationship?

*lol, no, not the death knell…lol But, for right now…she means that she isn’t interested. How I would proceed if I were in your shoes, is keep your options open. I would get to know other women…not focus on her. I would continue to be friends with her…ask her for coffee over the next few weeks…play it very casually. Be polite…be kind. Be a friend. My husband told me something interesting when I told him I wanted to be friends, first, and see where it leads…he said…‘I have enough friends.’ But, he made it clear, and we took a mini-break…and then, I discovered that I could not live without him in my life…and thus, we started dating…which led to marriage. That being said…I was clear that I wanted to start off as friends, and see where it might lead. This girl isn’t saying that, exactly. Doesn’t mean it could NEVER turn into something more…but going with face value, I’d say…be her friend…but don’t limit your ‘dates’ to just her. I wouldn’t become a serial dater, but don’t put all of your eggs in this basket…

ABOVE ALL–BE YOU. Don’t ever change for a woman. Don’t ever keep pressing a woman to go out with you. (Not saying you will, I’m just saying) Just be you…*

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It does sound like she’s only ready for friendship. Two things strike me about this, one is that since you met on a retreat, is there any possibility that she might be discrening religious life? I understand that this wasn’t a vocations retreat, but that is still a possibility. My second thought was to do what a poster towards the top said–go about your life for now doing whatever you normally do. If toward the end of August you are still thinking about this woman, give her a call and see if she’s still interested in coffee.

 

[dulcissima]

From my limited experience with getting back out in the dating world, it did seem to me that men seem to suffer from that biological clock ticking rather urgently, just like women are often chided for. It can be really off-putting to have to deal with all of that pressure in those times that are the getting to know each other phase. If someone is trying to move things constantly forward to the next date and trying to get a confirmation that you are their girlfriend, etc, without really taking the time to get to know you on the friends level, it just all seems kind of superficial and meaningless.

One thing I really liked about my boyfriend in comparison to the other guys was that he was in no rush to meet his soul mate, that he took the time to get to know me as a unique person before wanting me to be his girlfriend. We had decided after our first date that we might be just friends…but we kept talking…kept getting to know eachother, until one day it just sort of hit us. I think you end up with a better relationship if you value your friendship from the start.

 

[BadTurkey]

Hi,

I met a Catholic woman at a retreat recently. Afterwards, I asked to meet her for a coffee which seemed to go very well.

So, I then asked if she would be interested in meeting for dinner.
She thanked me for the offer of dinner but said that she would would probably prefer to go for another coffee as friends later in the month.

I guess I should definitely abandon any hope of a potential relationship with her?

Sorry bro, but once she drops the “f-word,” a.k.a “friends,” it’s pretty much a lost cause.

 

[chevalier]

Fan, that dash kinda changes things. It separates out the “as friends” part meaning she’s very clearn on “as friends”, while totally not clear on the “probably”. And August is relatively late, meaning she isn’t dying to see you. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you. For the record, I dislike that use of “probably” unless she really meant it, which I don’t really feel convinced about. Keep looking.

 

[flyingfish]

Hi,

I met a Catholic woman at a retreat recently. Afterwards, I asked to meet her for a coffee which seemed to go very well.

So, I then asked if she would be interested in meeting for dinner.
She thanked me for the offer of dinner but said that she would would probably prefer to go for another coffee as friends later in the month.

I guess I should definitely abandon any hope of a potential relationship with her?

I don’t think you should give up yet.

Maybe she wants to get to know you better as a friend before going on a date, maybe she is not sure yet if she is called to marriage so she doesn’t think dating is appropriate, maybe she is not attracted to you yet (but may become later as she gets to know you).

Invite her for coffee again later, see what you can do about making a better impression.

I wouldn’t give up, but I wouldn’t put all my hopes into this woman either.

 

[cephas161619]

I don’t think you should give up yet.

Maybe she wants to get to know you better as a friend before going on a date, maybe she is not sure yet if she is called to marriage so she doesn’t think dating is appropriate, maybe she is not attracted to you yet (but may become later as she gets to know you).

Invite her for coffee again later, see what you can do about making a better impression.

I wouldn’t give up, but I wouldn’t put all my hopes into this woman either.

I feel like I could have written the original post. and then I realized someone else had almost the same experience. But this is pretty much the conclusion that I’ve come to too. Good luck, OP!!

 

[catherinette]

Hi,

I met a Catholic woman at a retreat recently. Afterwards, I asked to meet her for a coffee which seemed to go very well.

So, I then asked if she would be interested in meeting for dinner.
She thanked me for the offer of dinner but said that she would would probably prefer to go for another coffee as friends later in the month.

I guess I should definitely abandon any hope of a potential relationship with her?

I’ve said something like that before; well… probably a couple of times in fact. Not saying I should have, or would think it’s a good idea to say now. In retrospect, it never once boded well for the man who was asking. To be brutally honest, it usually meant something like, “I think you are an alright guy, and I don’t actively dislike you, but there’s nothing particular that sparked my interest. I might go for coffee with you again because, hey, going to coffee with someone is better than going to coffee alone.”

On the other hand, it does mean she’s giving you another chance to show her who you are. If you think this is the greatest woman you’ve ever met who’s exactly the kind of woman you are looking for, then by all means, take the chance: go out to coffee with her, get to know her as a friend, and try to convince her just how amazing you are. It’s not actually impossible; stranger things have happened! But from the fact you are even asking the question, I’m guessing you think she’s nice and pretty cute and worth getting to know, but it’s not especially there for you either. If I were you, I‘d probably move on and save myself from having to hear a more direct rejection later on when it might sting a bit more.

 

[chevalier]

Yes, my learned aforespeaker pointed out a very interesting thing: if you aren’t too strongly after that girl and she isn’t really into you, then the relationship doesn’t seem worth pursuing. In other words, find someone you’ll be interested in and someone who will be interested in you and don’t fear the clock.

 

[Primox]

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that this will always work :

Guy visits girl everyday at place of work
Guy: “So when are you gonna let me feed you?”
Girl: “I keep telling you, I don’t want to go out to dinner - I just want to be friends”
Guy: “Girl, why you gotta be all like that?”
Girl eventually falls head over heals

 

[cthulhubryan]

Hi,

I met a Catholic woman at a retreat recently. Afterwards, I asked to meet her for a coffee which seemed to go very well.

So, I then asked if she would be interested in meeting for dinner.
She thanked me for the offer of dinner but said that she would would probably prefer to go for another coffee as friends later in the month.

I guess I should definitely abandon any hope of a potential relationship with her?

If by potential relationship you mean a romantic one then you should probably not get your hopes up. However, I know of no one who could not use another friend. Who knows, maybe she will change her mind or maybe she was placed in your path for you to help her or for her to introduce you to your future Mrs.
Friends are important so I would go have coffee with her and have a good time. If it worries you over much, ask her about it.

 

[FanofB16]

Hi. After the all of the above, I would again be thankful for your comments:

So, we met for coffee at the weekend 3 weeks ago (The 2nd time for coffee). We stayed 1/1/2 hours and chatted and laughed about lots of things.

I emailed her last Tuesday to meet up 10 days later for Saturday 3rd - ie. next weekend again for coffee in a more upmarket coffee shop. It took her 5 days to reply (which is difficult for me not to be interpret as being a bit impolite?) and said that the following weekend would suit her better. The difficulty for me is that I have a retreat away that weekend!! So my suggestion will be 17 October - 6 weeks since I last saw her.

I really enjoy her company her and I think she enjoys mine as she has accepted invitations for coffee 3 times now, plus if it does not suit her, she suggests another day (which I presume is a positive point ladies?)

But it all seems so slow (I mean 6 weeks between seeing each other), although it is at the moment only as friends , and I also find it difficult to accept how long she takes to reply to emails coz I normally reply so quickly to people?

What do you think?

 

[chevalier]

So, we met for coffee at the weekend 3 weeks ago (The 2nd time for coffee). We stayed 1/1/2 hours and chatted and laughed about lots of things.

Good. A bit shortish, but then…

I emailed her last Tuesday to meet up 10 days later for Saturday 3rd - ie. next weekend again for coffee in a more upmarket coffee shop. It took her 5 days to reply (which is difficult for me not to be interpret as being a bit impolite?)

Yes, 5 days seems rather impolite. Some people might not see e-mail as equally obliging form as post or phone. The rule of thumb is 3 days. It also depends how often she checked mail and whether she didn’t simply wait until she knew what her plans were. Some people prefer to wait until they know before speaking.

and said that the following weekend would suit her better. The difficulty for me is that I have a retreat away that weekend!!

Well, she has hers, you have yours. It’s a good thing it isn’t one-sided, with one party deciding the terms and the other agreeing all the time.

So my suggestion will be 17 October - 6 weeks since I last saw her.

You’ll live.

I really enjoy her company her and I think she enjoys mine as she has accepted invitations for coffee 3 times now, plus if it does not suit her, she suggests another day (which I presume is a positive point ladies?)

Yes, it is. I’m not a woman, but I’m a criminal lawyer, so I know stuff about everybody.

It’s also a matter of politeness. A polite person would normally be able to offer a counter-suggestion of the time and date when turning down an invitation to meet.

But it all seems so slow (I mean 6 weeks between seeing each other), although it is at the moment only as friends , and I also find it difficult to accept how long she takes to reply to emails coz I normally reply so quickly to people?

What do you think?

Well, you probably won’t change her, at least not at an early stage. Does she always reply that late? You don’t know how fast she replies to other people?

 

[rpp]

I’m a woman, we’re not that complicated. (contrary to popular opinion)

That is the funniest joke you have ever made on this forum.

 

[rpp]

Hi. After the all of the above, I would again be thankful for your comments:

So, we met for coffee at the weekend 3 weeks ago (The 2nd time for coffee). We stayed 1/1/2 hours and chatted and laughed about lots of things.

I emailed her last Tuesday to meet up 10 days later for Saturday 3rd - ie. next weekend again for coffee in a more upmarket coffee shop. It took her 5 days to reply (which is difficult for me not to be interpret as being a bit impolite?) and said that the following weekend would suit her better. The difficulty for me is that I have a retreat away that weekend!! So my suggestion will be 17 October - 6 weeks since I last saw her.

I really enjoy her company her and I think she enjoys mine as she has accepted invitations for coffee 3 times now, plus if it does not suit her, she suggests another day (which I presume is a positive point ladies?)

But it all seems so slow (I mean 6 weeks between seeing each other), although it is at the moment only as friends , and I also find it difficult to accept how long she takes to reply to emails coz I normally reply so quickly to people?

What do you think?

Do not get stuck in “Internet Time”. Look, who knows where she is, what she is about, why it takes her so long to reply. She could have a very busy life. Or ,like some, it takes her a bit of time. Some people, such as myself, have been burned badly when relationships move quickly.

It is often much easier to date a friend than a really cool person. Listen to Chevalier, he has some made some wise observations here.

 

[ac_claire]

Hi. After the all of the above, I would again be thankful for your comments:

So, we met for coffee at the weekend 3 weeks ago (The 2nd time for coffee). We stayed 1/1/2 hours and chatted and laughed about lots of things.

I emailed her last Tuesday to meet up 10 days later for Saturday 3rd - ie. next weekend again for coffee in a more upmarket coffee shop. It took her 5 days to reply (which is difficult for me not to be interpret as being a bit impolite?) and said that the following weekend would suit her better. The difficulty for me is that I have a retreat away that weekend!! So my suggestion will be 17 October - 6 weeks since I last saw her.

I really enjoy her company her and I think she enjoys mine as she has accepted invitations for coffee 3 times now, plus if it does not suit her, she suggests another day (which I presume is a positive point ladies?)

But it all seems so slow (I mean 6 weeks between seeing each other), although it is at the moment only as friends , and I also find it difficult to accept how long she takes to reply to emails coz I normally reply so quickly to people?

What do you think?

Don’t worry about how slow it seems. Just go with it and keep doing what you’re doing.

She’s been straight-forward with you about just wanting to stick with light meetings, for coffee, as friends. You took her words at face-value and you went for coffee and you both enjoyed yourselves. I’d say things are going very well.

Stick with the coffee dates for now. By doing that you’re showing her that you’re still interested in her (which in itself is always attractive to a girl) yet at the same time you’re being respectful of her “just friends” wishes and – this is crucial– you aren’t pushing yourself on her. (There is a fine line for men in relationships, between taking the lead and the initiative and just being pushy, and you seem to be on the right side of the line.)

She wants to go slow now, for whatever reason. Maybe she won’t ever want to take it beyond “just friends” or maybe she will in her own time. But I know that a LOT of guys wouldn’t do what you’re doing, they’d consider it a waste of time. Believe me, she’ll appreciate this.

Now, later on down the raod…perhaps after a few more coffee dates…if you notice that there’s a shift in the dynamics and if she’s giving you little signs and hints of being more interested than “just friends”…at that point you’ll want to repeat the dinner offer. (Or a movie, or a play or whatever). If you need advice or encouragement just update this thread and we’ll try to help best as we can.

 

[FanofB16]

Thank you for your replies. Patience is the key here I think.

 

[FanofB16]

Hi. So we’ve met 3 times for coffee now.
It’s all gone well so far. And the last meeting for coffee was for 1/hr45mins.
We laugh a lot together and enjoy each other’s company. She does 70% of the talking, which I think is a positive - I’m a good listener and focus on her.

I am very happy to take things very slowly and build from a solid foundation of friendship.
So, we dont text each other between meeting up ; dont talk on the phone and only send very brief emails confirming where and when to meet.

But, I kinda feel after 3 lengthy coffee meetings, we are naturally beginning to run out of things to talk about a bit, and I was wondering if I should begin to tenatively suggest that we maybe do something together maybe 10 pin bowling or the cinema?

I’m also a strong beleiver that the man should take the lead, I would be very grateful of your thoughts?

FanOfB16

 

[chevalier]

Cheers, dood! I’m glad to see you’ve developed a lot of stamina. Yes, three lengthy coffee meetings bode well for an acquaintance, but they don’t necessarily mean there’s a need for a higher level.

The lack of talking in between meetings is possibly a sign of nervousness or tension. It’s understandable and normal when people have a crush - or when the situation is awkward for other reasons, such as one party not being interested. If she doesn’t put off the meetings, doesn’t react ill to your proposals, doesn’t turn down half of them, but there’s silence between meetings, you can reasonably think it’s some kind of tension between you two, I believe.

If you’re running out of topics for conversation and things are turning awkward, it’s possible that you’re attracted but not entirely compatible. Some people believe that when it’s the right person, you don’t run out of subjects. I think there’s some wisdom in that, but I’m not sure to what extent it’s right. What I know is I would like to meet a lady I would always have something to talk about with. Absent this, it could be very hard on me.