Should I have to do this?

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We have an issue with plumbing in our lease house. Apparently one of the toilets is clogged. My husband was upset about it this morning (yes happy thanksgiving) so instead of waiting and calling a plumber… He suggested that I scoop it all out in a bucket?!?

Is this something you would request of your wife?
 
Is there any reason why he isn’t doing it himself? After all, he suggested it. This is one of those times I’d have to say “honey, since you don’t want to wait for the plumber, I’m afraid you’re going to have to scoop out the toilet yourself, I’m busy getting this Thanksgiving dinner going” and leave it at that.

I just looked over some of your prior posts…you have a lot more going on with that husband of yours than just a clogged toilet. Any progress in getting some marital counseling with the two of you?
 
Said it was my fault… Because I knew the toilet didn’t work That well.

Just gross. And it’s like… Come on!
 
Different families have different expectations about who is responsible for what.

If you are being asked to deal with it, then I’d say, “Fine. I’ll find the number for the plumber” and just make the call. It’s his problem if he gets mad because he obviously wants nothing to do with the problem - unless he’s volunteering you to clean up the mess. (Really? What a jerk!)

If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, then you shouldn’t do it.
 
We do have a lot going on… And no. No counseling. Just individual counseling for me.

We are moving and I asked him just to pick up a dessert and appetizer at the store yesterday. We were invited to my girlfriend house for dinner.

He knew we were in boxes. But chose to make something on his own. Demanding ingredients out of boxes that I had to tear apart this am. It was insane.

All because he wouldn’t just get something at the store.

And then he tells me this about the toilet.

He said its my my payback since he didn’t want to go to our friends house today. He wanted to rent a cabin and be alone on thanksgiving (just the 3 of us).

Which of course I said no to. 350 a night!
 
Call the plumber.

Sorry, but your husband sounds like a passive aggressive baby.
 
We don’t have any “too gross, therefore not my job” jobs, and we never call a plumber for what we can do ourselves.

Having said that, that’s not really what this is about, is it? What difference does our comfort level make, when it comes to deciding yours? If I were a farm wife who cleaned up after 50 milk cows twice a day, what would that have to do with you? The issue is that he keeps telling you what your boundaries are, and so you come here to reassure yourself that you are right.

You don’t need us to set your boundaries. You can do it. Only you can do it, in the end.
 
Well I told him I would call a plumber. He said no. That he couldn’t possibly do that to a plumber. So he said he will handle it… So he’s not embarrassed.
 
This is the other issue: when it comes to emotional bank accounts, your husband is overdrawn and into bankruptcy. Every time he insists on something you literally can’t pay for and then pouts when he doesn’t get it, he writes another overdraft. If he had a positive account with you, you might grumble over going through the boxes, but it would be small potatoes. As it is, it is just one more order on an account he never repays.

He has you on the ropes because you believe he would get custody. Is that true? Has some who really knows told you that? Look into that. If it is true, figure out how to change it.
 
mega1 said:
Said it was my fault… Because I knew the toilet didn’t work That well.

Just gross. And it’s like… Come on!
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Unless both his arms are broken, he can do it himself. But you’ll have to put your foot down, and from previous threads, I’m sorry to say I’m not hopeful.
 
If you have more than one bathroom than close the door and call a plumber tomorrow. If not, get some drano-type product and boiling water.

We all do what we have to. If the toilet is clogged it gets unclogged by the last user unless that person is a young child. If you want to cook, you buy or unpack your own ingredients.

I agree with Easterjoy. You need to enforce your boundaries.
 
mega1 said:
Said it was my fault… Because I knew the toilet didn’t work That well.

Just gross. And it’s like… Come on!
Click to expand...
Unless both his arms are broken, he can do it himself. But you’ll have to put your foot down, and from previous threads, I’m sorry to say I’m not hopeful.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
If you have more than one bathroom than close the door and call a plumber tomorrow. If not, get some drano-type product and boiling water.

We all do what we have to. If the toilet is clogged it gets unclogged by the last user unless that person is a young child. If you want to cook, you buy or unpack your own ingredients.

I agree with Easterjoy. You need to enforce your boundaries.
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I only meant that she should give herself permission to set her own boundaries, whether she can enforce them or not. She ought to be able to say “oh no you don’t” (or, as Al Borland would put it, “I don’t think so, Tim”) without letting him say “says you and who else”. If she says it is her boundary, then so it is. He sets his boundaries without an arbiter in the world who’d say he was right. If she can’t be her own authority, he’s got her under his heel before they start.

Wrangling in a marriage is unfortunate, but when there is not consensus the two at least need to know their own minds and be their own authority on how they feel.
 
I hereby promise to not complain about my husband so much. As a matter of fact, I’m going to go find him and give him a big kiss.

I’d call the plumber. He’s being a jerk.
 
It sounds like he used to getting his way and walking all over you.

I would have called a plumber and handed hubby the bill. I guess God left me single for a reason. Some of the things I hear women putting up with wouldn’t fly two seconds with me. When there were plumbing problems in my parents home, my dad took care of it with mom’s help. He didn’t leave the task to her alone.

It shocks me the amount of disregard couples seem to have for each other, that there are women who can never be satisfied with their husbands, or husbands that treat their wives like idiots. I just don’t get it.
 
As the only able-bodied adult in my home most of the time, I have become somewhat of a plumbing expert. I will spare you details.
However, a plumber’s helper – one of those sticks with a rubber suction cup at the end – requires specific skills and is very handy.
What you do it, put it in the water, tip it so all the air bubbles emerge, then plumb with it. If you keep doing it without any air in it, it creates a tight seal and can work efficiently.
Generally that will do the trick with any reasonable clog.

Otherwise, it does become a call to a plumber, when he tells me what horrendous gunk my daughter has been dropping in there. Q-tips can wreak havoc.
 
Mega 1, I don’t want to be unsympathetic, but it seems as if you complain about your husband’s behaviour on a regular basis. You might explore with your therapist whether you’re becoming addicted to the sympathy you get when your husband acts inappropriately. I don’t usually agree with Dr. Phil, but he does have a few good insights. One of them is that others will treat you as you allow them to treat you.
 
Plungers do often take care of many issues. I’ve also used them, myself. I always try to keep one in the bathroom just in case, because you just never know.

However, this isn’t about plumbing, really. It’s about your relationship.

I don’t think he’s ever going to change. He is so unreliable. Why count on him for anything, since he’ll only make excuses and just when you are counting on him and need him most is when he won’t be there for you?

Besides the passive-aggressive tendencies, he seems to be quite narcisisitic, …and have difficulties with sloth, but not care about any of this.

Are you codependent? Have you ever discussed codependency with your counselor?
If it turns out your are, are there an Codependent’s Anonymous (CoDA) support groups in your area. If you turn out to be codependent and can’t find any CoDA, there is also Alanon, which deals with roughly the same issues as CoDA.

I wondered about your background. A lot of codependents were raised by alcoholic parents, but not all. Some were in large families or have a disability.

With codependents, boundaries are something they need to learn, so I’d agree with another previous post.
 
  1. I would first CAREFULLY attempt to hand flush the toilet with a 5-gallon bucket of water. If you do it very slowly and carefully, it is often possible to resolve a clog without flooding the bathroom.
  2. If that doesn’t work, you are renters–have your landlord’s guy deal with this.
  3. If your landlord is unavailable, call a plumber and pay privately.
  4. If a plumber is unavailable this holiday weekend and you have other bathrooms, just close the lid, shut the door, and carry on until it can be dealt with.
This sort of situation is why plumbers earn the big bucks. I can’t believe you guys haven’t dealt with this sort of thing a dozen times in your married life. I’m sorry, but you guys are just terrible at solving everyday problems–both of you.
 
I actually grew up on a farm… And ended up fixing this plumbing issue all on my own.

But I thought his passive aggressive behavior was over the top and I wondered if I was just too sensitive.
 
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