Should I help my brother escape?

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Rutherford2 said:
1000 is 90% of my monthly salary.
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Don’t do it. If $1000 is 90% of your salary how on earth has your family helped him pay back 80K? And why should you work to pay for his mistakes repeatedly?

OP some people are terrible with money. And with enabling families they will continue the cycle as there is no lesson learnt.

I would offer friendship, advice, practical resources and perhaps meals. But absolutely no cash. Past behaviour predicts he will just waste.
 
Nothing in this life is easy, especially when it comes to doing the right thing. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
 
Rutherford2 said:
If worse comes to worse I will report to police but my family refused because once his name has been blacklisted, it would be very difficult for him to get a job next time.
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The loan sharks are the criminals. They will cause bodily harm to someone for not paying their debts. The authorities may be able to protect your family.

Unless he has dual citizenship, once he is an undocumented immigrant in another country it will be difficult to get a job.
 
Rutherford2 said:
If worse comes to worse I will report to police but my family refused because once his name has been blacklisted, it would be very difficult for him to get a job next time.
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What kind of work does he do? When most employers do background checks, they’ll look for criminal history, ranging from traffic tickets to felonies. And then depending on what kind of work it is, they’ll be okay with it, or not okay with it— a factory will screen its workers different than the IRS, for example.

And who does he owe money to? A payday loan place, or a cartel?
 
No, help him get help to help himself. What that would look like depends on the particulars of how he got into debt, but he needs to change himself.

What’s going to happen if he “escapes” to another country without changing himself? He’s going to get into trouble with his creditors there, too. Maybe creditors who don’t just send annoying collection agencies after him. Maybe creditors who send a lot worse.

If you want to be his lifeline, you have to help him to see that he needs to get help to change his relationship with money and his behaviors around money. He needs to change the way he thinks so he can change the way he acts. I’d say he needs to find someone with experience at helping people make this change, but if he’s been $80,000 in debt more than once, that kind of sounds like an addiction or addictions have him enslaved.

Again, all this depends on where you live, but running away after trying to duck out from financial commitments or shift them onto something else is just more of what won’t ever work in the long run. It is time for him to get real.

You might also want to consider Al-Anon or something similar for yourself–that is, get help in understanding why on earth you’d ever think it was your job to attempt this non-rescue of a rescue. You don’t have to be a true definition-meeting co-dependent to learn to profit from the hard lessons that co-dependents have to learn. You might try “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. (I think she has a new edition out; it is very likely that a library would have it.)
 
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TheLittleLady said:
Another thing, if these truly ARE “loan sharks”, when they cannot locate him, they may come after his family. He is putting you in danger.
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I don’t think that is legal in most places. His family has not guaranteed his loans, and for loan sharks (assuming we’re talking about “payday lenders”), defaults are just considered an operating expense.
 
Socrates92 said:
(assuming we’re talking about “payday lenders”),
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I can’t speak for all, but when I see the term loan shark I think of shady people who make unregulated loans with extreme interest rates and use physical intimidation or even coercion on those who do not repay. And no, it is not legal. Payday lenders and such are barely any better but at least they are regulated, even if somewhat laxly, and don’t commonly employ people to physically assault debtors in default.
 
Payday lenders are legal and regulated. Edit to add, Payday lenders can sue you in civil court and ruin your credit rating. You do not have to “escape” from them.

Loan sharks are criminals who operate outside of the law. Loan sharks will harm people, that is why you would want to escape.
 
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Are they truly loan sharks (illegal lenders) or are they other forms of lenders.

You say if his name is blacklisted it would be difficult for him to get another job. What job is he going to go to if he flees to another country. What support system does he have over there? I find this portion of the “story” hard to believe.

The best solution is for him to simply walk away from any of the debts he has. Let his house go back, let his car go back, let the unsecured debt go. Any credit cards or personal loans are unsecured with no recourse.

If he is in a job field where credit rating and worthiness are necessary to keep the job, ie banking, finance or something else, he doesn’t need to be in that line of work because he clearly has demonstrated that he is not responsible for his own actions much less to work with other peoples interests.

Stop the bleeding, find the source of the problem and work from there to rebuild himself in the future. If he can’t do that, no amount of money you or anyone else can give will fix his problem.

Sorry to be negative about this, but I was once told by an older fellow, when someone is down, you have to put your foot on their neck for a while and keep down so that when you do let them up they will actually appreciate the help that is being offered and honestly try to help themselves.

There is much truth in that.
 
To @Rutherford2,

You’ve done enough help to your brother. By giving him $1,000 more would just do him more harm than good. In a way, you’re only consenting him to continue with his old habit. So, to cut the long story short, the answer is “No”.

I believe your brother is old enough to handle his own problem. Let him learn his own lesson. One day, he’d realize and appreciate what you’re doing to him (now) is for his own benefit.

However, don’t forget to pray for him. GOD will surely make a way. At the same time, I’ll include him in my prayer. GOD bless! 👼
 
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Thanks. He finally left this morning. Although he made me mad but we also spent a lot of time doing things together. It makes me sad to know he will go away for a long time. I felt like he is a part of my own body being taken away. Only now do I feel that I love him more than I hate him. Although I could not give him $1000, I offer him only $500 out of love so that at least he can buy food or rent a room rather than sleeping on the street. Some how, I felt God was letting me feel what he feels when one of his sheep had left him. It is like He lets me fill His shoes for a day so that I understand Him. Yes, God can be mad at us sometimes, but He loves us even more. I will go to my Sunday church today and pray for my little brother. Praying nothing happens to him always.
 
Rutherford2 said:
Thanks. He finally left this morning. Although he made me mad but we also spent a lot of time doing things together. It makes me sad to know he will go away for a long time. I felt like he is a part of my own body being taken away. Only now do I feel that I love him more than I hate him. Although I could not give him $1000, I offer him only $500 out of love so that at least he can buy food or rent a room rather than sleeping on the street. Some how, I felt God was letting me feel what he feels when one of his sheep had left him. It is like He lets me fill His shoes for a day so that I understand Him. Yes, God can be mad at us sometimes, but He loves us even more. I will go to my Sunday church today and pray for my little brother. Praying nothing happens to him always.
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My impression is that you are are very good person. However, continuing to enable your brother, even with a reduced amount does not help him. Who really knows if he is going away to another country. He could be lying just to get money from you. He will likely be back with another excuse with his hand out again.
 
Congratulations for making the right decision!👍👍👍

There are many ways to show your love to others; sometimes, if necessary, being tough can be one of them. I know it’s not easy, especially if that person has been a part of your life, but if that’s the only way for him to learn his lesson and change into a better person, then that leaves you no choice but to do it.

It’s worth noting though that it was very generous of you to give your brother an extra $500 for his daily needs. What a noble gesture! 👼👼👼

Rest assured, I’ll continue to pray for both of you. GOD bless you, bro! 🙏😇🙏
 
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Loan sharks can be very dangerous people. I would suggest contacting law enforcement to get those people off of the streets before they hurt or kill your brother and others whom they’ve victimized with their illegal and unethical lending practices. Loan sharking is a crime, and should be treated as such.

Once your brother is safe from those people, he should go into therapy to get at the root of his own ill-advised financial behaviors, so that he doesn’t keep going back into debt.

I wouldn’t advise having him leave the country. The loan sharks could follow him to wherever he goes. Most of those people are part of the under world and are totally ruthless and unscrupulous.

If giving him the $1,000 will help him pay off all or a portion of his current debt, that might be just enough to keep him out of danger until the loan sharks are behind bars and he can start over with a clean – or cleaner-than-before slate.

Then, he should get help, and family should pitch in to see that he does.
 
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While partly his fault, escaping from loan sharks sounds like an emergency to me.
 
The loan sharks, who likely charged him truly usurous rates, and have threatened him to the point he needs to flee his country. That should be obvious.
 
No, that is a call to the police. Feeding the sharks just makes them hungrier.
 
The lack of understanding of what it’s like to live in many third world countries is laughable. The police are often not your friend when it comes to organized criminal activities.
 
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