Should I invite my gay cousin's live-in partner to my wedding?

  • Thread starter Thread starter derailed13
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

derailed13

Guest
Hi,

I am having lots of inner conflict about whether or not I should invite my adult gay cousin’s live-in partner to my wedding.

My family (and I) are all practicing Catholics who are in line with all the Church’s teachings on pre-marital sex and cohabiting (whether hetero- or homo-), and wish to be a good example in this regard by not affirming these lifestyles. (The fact that they are gay, though, and not just a guy and girl shacking up, makes everything even more complicated).

We have come up with a rule for invitees: No significant others unless they are engaged or married.

However I am aware that nowadays, it is extremely rude to only invite half of a social unit, and in today’s world people now designate live-in, unmarried partners as a social unit.

My family is of the mindset that it would be fine to include my adult cousin (who lives on his own elsewhere) on the invitation of my aunt and uncle. While this seems fine to me in principle, since I would generally feel comfortable addressing the entire family (adult children and all) as one unit in other instances, I know that the cousin will probably be super ticked off by not receiving a separate invitation addressed to him and his partner.

These are my options:
  1. Include said cousin on his parents’ invitation, risk him getting angry and not attending since his significant other was left out
  2. Send said cousin his own invitation, but address it to him only (!) even if he lives with his partner…
  3. Send said cousin his own invitation addressed to both him and his partner … and end up scandalizing some people at the wedding and also breaking my “engaged or married only” rule (which could potentially force me to also invite other relatives’ bf/gf s)
What do you think I should do? I want to stick to my guns/beliefs about not condoning their relationship, but I also naturally do not want to be rude and cause hard feelings among family. Thanks in advance.
 
You made the rule of no significant others who aren’t engaged or married.

Do you believe in the Church’s teaching on homosexuality?

If so, then you must agree that homosexuals cannot really get engaged or married.

Thus, by your own rule, you have answered your own question.

🙂

If, however, you do not believe in the Church’s teaching on homosexuality, then, well, you have to figure it out for yourself.
 
derailed13 said:
I want to stick to my guns/beliefs about not condoning their relationship, but I also naturally do not want to be rude and cause hard feelings among family. Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
You have conflicting goals. You want to stick to your beliefs, but not rock the boat and be rude. I think you will have to choose.
Your cousin is not married or engaged, is he? Even if he claimed to be married to his partner, it would not be a real marriage, so he would not fit your criteria for invitees.
I am not sure I would have the courage to do what I should, but at some point we will all have to stand up for our beliefs, or give in and let the world tell us what to do.
Whatever you do, I’m sure you will do in the spirit of charity . … such as “we’ve decided we’re only inviting the SOs of people who are engaged or married.”
 
No harm in explaining to him (as well as to other guests) that you are only inviting married or engaged couples. This can be done in a polite way. Sure, he can get seriously offended, as well as your other guests whose partners don’t fit the above criteria. But that is not your problem. It is your wedding and your rules. (I know people who only had a small number of guests because they couldn’t afford a big wedding, so partners were not invited.) Your guests have the freedon to not attend if they don’t agree with your stance. Again, that is their business. Do what you need to do.

Good luck and congrats!
 
This isn’t a moral issue. The only reason you have conflict about this is because you’re clinging to judgement.

He’s only attending the wedding, correct? I see no moral disgrace with this
 
Not married or engaged, therefore the SO is not invited. It’s your wedding. Do not worry about offending others 🙂 I made the same rule at my wedding, so it’s not uncommon. Plus, why do you want to worry about any scandal you may be causing at a time when you are receiving the sacrament of marriage? Inviting him would be a huge distraction to you on your special day. If anyone gets upset, they’ll get over it, and if they don’t, then well, they arent really thinking about you and respecting your faith. Have a beautiful and joyous celebration!!!
 
We invited our gay “couple” family members and friends to our daughter’s wedding. They are usually at every other gathering family or friends might have and we thought it would be rude. However most of them didn’t come to the Mass and the two who came did not receive communion, which is good. Two didn’t bring their partners at all to the wedding or reception on their own, not that we didn’t invite them. I guess they knew our feeling on gay partnerships and didn’t want to cause scandal. I appreciated them for that but I would not have felt bad if they were present.
 
He’s your cousin. Invite his partner also. You’re family. If you don’t stick together, who else will?
 
We also had the same rule about “only married or engaged couples”, simply because we didn’t have the space or budget to accommodate significant others beyond that. A couple of relatives who had live-in partners were very upset, and assumed they hadn’t been invited because of that. However I simply did not consider it (some of the couples who were engaged were living together)- we just stuck to the rule and that was that.

So in the same way, you don’t need to make it about cohabitation or sexual orientation.If you are not inviting other family members with live in partners (unless they are engaged), then there isn’t any good reason to make an exception for someone *because *of their sexual orientation.
 
Lorelei12 said:
So in the same way, you don’t need to make it about cohabitation or sexual orientation.If you are not inviting other family members with live in partners (unless they are engaged), then there isn’t any good reason to make an exception for someone *because *of their sexual orientation.
Click to expand...
This occurred to me as well. If you are inviting the partner of a couple who is not engaged or married just because they are same-sex, than that isn’t fair to the partners of the straight couples that were living together and you did not invite. Making this exception would also emphasize that you are okay with this set-up. There are actually two things as issue here: a homosexual relationship and a couple living together. If you invite the partner, then to be fair, you would have to invite all the partners of straight nonengaged, nonmarried couples living together as well.

Stick to your guns. If he is under, say, 25 years old, then include only him on the invitation with his parents. If he is over 25, then send him a separate one, but be sure that there isn’t any room to write in his boyfriend on the RSVP! Instruct your parents of your decision and be clear that the boyfriend is not invited due to that rule. You are the boss of your wedding. Trust me, people will complain about anything and everything no matter what you do, so do what you feel is right. If he asks your parents (or, my goodness, you) if he can bring his partner, which would be extremely rude, then they can respond why (only SOs of engaged and married are invited - I would not have them mention sexual orientation, though. That could hurt feelings.)

Also, just to prepare yourself for questions, check to see what, if any, same-sex relationships your state recognizes. If it does recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions, then you are off the hook! They could just get “married” and qualify for your rule! 😉 (but then you would have to actually stand by church teaching - which would be the hard way to not invite them.)
 
My wife and I ran into a similar dillemma when preparing the guest list and announcements for our own wedding last year. While we did not have to worry about the same-sex “partner” thing, we went back and forth on whether to put adult, unmarried cousins and their SO’s (the OP’s “social unit”) on their own invitation, or just include the cousin (sans SO) on their parents invitation. What we ended up doing was this: We put any ummarried/unengaged cousins on their parents invitation, fully expecting that if they so chose, they would bring their boyfriend/girlfriend anyway (only one or two actually did). For aunts and uncles, we put such-n-such and guest if unmarried.

The only exception where we specifically invited an unmarried SO was my sister’s boyfriend. They are engaged to be married later this year, but were not at the time.
 
Option one is not an option, ettiquette-wise. Adults should not be included on the invitation of their parents, even if they live with them. Adults receive their own invitation.

Send your cousin an invitation, and address it to him only. Since you are not adding “and guest” for anyone else, do not add it for him.
 
I always thought that once a person moved out on their own and was an adult, they received their own invitation.

I also always thought that a single person who is not engaged got an invitation that would say: Sally Smith and Guest.

As a single adult (WAY over the age of 21!!) I would probably not attend if I could not bring a guest. A guest for me might be a male friend or a female friend, not necessarily a boyfriend.
To the best of my knowledge, my parents never received an invitation to a wedding that included my name once I moved out of their home. Nor did I ever receive an invitation that included either of my boys once they moved out of the house.

If you can’t afford for someone you invite to bring a guest, I would think it would be best to not invite that person at all. Or if you don’t want someone to bring their “live-in” companion, then it would be best to not invite the person at all.

If this cousin is an important relative to you and you want them at your wedding, I would think you will have to invite his “guest” to the wedding as well.
 
I agree with the poster who said that people will always complain about something.
 
gh4 said:
I always thought that once a person moved out on their own and was an adult, they received their own invitation.

I also always thought that a single person who is not engaged got an invitation that would say: Sally Smith and Guest.

As a single adult (WAY over the age of 21!!) I would probably not attend if I could not bring a guest. A guest for me might be a male friend or a female friend, not necessarily a boyfriend.
To the best of my knowledge, my parents never received an invitation to a wedding that included my name once I moved out of their home. Nor did I ever receive an invitation that included either of my boys once they moved out of the house.

If you can’t afford for someone you invite to bring a guest, I would think it would be best to not invite that person at all. Or if you don’t want someone to bring their “live-in” companion, then it would be best to not invite the person at all.

If this cousin is an important relative to you and you want them at your wedding, I would think you will have to invite his “guest” to the wedding as well.
Click to expand...
I had the same thought pattern as well but shrug its her wedding she will ultimately do as she wants.
 
gh4 said:
I always thought that once a person moved out on their own and was an adult, they received their own invitation.

I also always thought that a single person who is not engaged got an invitation that would say: Sally Smith and Guest.

As a single adult (WAY over the age of 21!!) I would probably not attend if I could not bring a guest. A guest for me might be a male friend or a female friend, not necessarily a boyfriend.
To the best of my knowledge, my parents never received an invitation to a wedding that included my name once I moved out of their home. Nor did I ever receive an invitation that included either of my boys once they moved out of the house.

If you can’t afford for someone you invite to bring a guest, I would think it would be best to not invite that person at all. Or if you don’t want someone to bring their “live-in” companion, then it would be best to not invite the person at all.

If this cousin is an important relative to you and you want them at your wedding, I would think you will have to invite his “guest” to the wedding as well.
Click to expand...
We have a similar policy. We are not doing plus ones for anyone but engaged, married, or living together couples. Couples who live together tend to have joint finances, have usually been integrated into their partner’s family, etc. I would actually think it was rude for someone to attend a wedding and leave their live in SO at home. Wedding receptions tend to have a date feel for guests, so inviting attached people and expecting them to comfortably mingle while their other half is at home…no.

We also made exceptions for people traveling long distance. Who wants to travel out of state for a weekend alone? Even if they were single we invited them to bring someone.

If my name showed up on my parents invite I would probably think that the person inviting me didn’t feel close enough to me to ask for my address and I might not go in that case, especially if I had to travel.

How much a part of your family is the partner? Are you ok causing a rift with the cousin and maybe his parents and siblings?
 
derailed13 said:
Hi,

I am having lots of inner conflict about whether or not I should invite my adult gay cousin’s live-in partner to my wedding.
Click to expand...
SubjectVerb said:
Not married or engaged, therefore the SO is not invited. It’s your wedding. Do not worry about offending others 🙂 I made the same rule at my wedding, so it’s not uncommon. Plus, why do you want to worry about any scandal you may be causing at a time when you are receiving the sacrament of marriage? Inviting him would be a huge distraction to you on your special day. If anyone gets upset, they’ll get over it, and if they don’t, then well, they arent really thinking about you and respecting your faith. Have a beautiful and joyous celebration!!!
Click to expand...
So it seems that the “rule” saves hopefully from the issue coming up perhaps at the moment --in time one shows love for “each” person --“as a person” --so they know you love them --while they can know that one does not accept the relationship. Respect and love for persons but not in any way approving of the relationship.

And just think if they were invited-not only would it be inviting a gay couple --but even inferring that they are engaged or married! since only engaged or married couples are invited…

Thus treat it as a non issue and prepare for your wedding…and holy Marriage as witnesses to Christ the Risen Lord before all the family and world.
 
I would invite them. How else to show mercy and compassion? Also I would think it is a little judgmental to exclude a cousin because he is gay. Just my two cents.
 
Does this couple claim to be “engaged”? If so, then you will be rightly accused of discriminating against homosexual couples if you do not accept their self-designation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it will be annoying to deal with.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top