Should I just walk out the door?

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davia

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Okay, I just want to get this out. My husband and I have been married for 7 years.

I have 2 children. a 2 year old and a 34 year old (let me explain, one is my real son and the other is a big child who can’t do anything for himself - not even take a dish to the sink or hang up a coat, or charge his cell phone and it’s my fault because I used it for 2 minutes and “used up all the battery”). Then the oldest “child” had a tantrum and threw the phone. And yelled at me and our 2 year old (yes that’s right, of course the baby got upset at all the yelling and the throwing of the phone and then he just got yelled at by dad for crying.

My son is starting to have problems - He is starting to say things like, "you’re pissing me off, and throwing things like toys. I mean, he’s really is a sweet loving boy on the other hand - I don’t know if it’s the terrible twos or the situation, or both.

So, I am the object of DH’s anger (well, not the only object, but the easiest target). So, I get yelled at and told to leave or else, and then later told nevermind, but he won’t apologize because he’s not the kind of person who says sorry, and besides I was “responsible” in the first place for whatever happened that day. And I have to beg to be able to stay in my own house and although I “win” in not having to leave, I am a loser in that I have to do this or that to stay (more cooking or whatever it was that caused the argument) and that I have to make deals on how long we will “try” to make it work b4 I have to take the baby and walk out.

Others see his attitude problem, but they don’t have to see it 24/7 and I don’t think they really realize what he’s like.

He can be a real jerk, but he can also be a nice person (but i am seeing less of the latter). That’s what tears me up. And what’s better? No father, or one who’s kind of a jerk? I don’t know.

I am ready to leave (almost). I don’t know what’s holding me back. What is wrong with me?
 
Would he go to a counselor with you? Have you spoken to any clergyman who may be able to offer you some spiritual guidance?

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this terrible situation. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. I can’t tell you whether or not you should leave.

God bless you and your family, I hope the best for all of you.
 
BeeSweet said:
Would he go to a counselor with you? Have you spoken to any clergyman who may be able to offer you some spiritual guidance?

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this terrible situation. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. I can’t tell you whether or not you should leave.

God bless you and your family, I hope the best for all of you.
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hi Bee, thank you for writing. He will not go to the counselor. He says they are for only certain kinds of people (I won’t say what he calls those people) 😦 . I have asked our old priest and he told me to leave basically. He said he would pray that I make the best decision for myself, but that as he understand our situation, he doesnt’ have reservations about me leaving if that’s what I feel is right.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I really feel they do help. 👍
 
This is abusive behaviour and will only escalate. The key is where you say that he will never apologise and whatever ‘made him mad’ was all your fault and that you have to beg to stay in your own home. He’s told you to leave - or else. I’d take that as a serious threat, especially since he has said it more than once. Pretty soon, he will get physical and it will be “all your fault because you didn’t get out when he told you to before” and “you just shouldn’t have made him mad.”

two options for your safety and for the safety of your son:
  1. pack his stuff and toss it on the doorstep. Throw him out. Change the locks and get a restraining order to keep him out. Get a lawyer to assert your legal rights.
  2. pack up all your stuff and the baby’s and leave, preferably while he is away at work so he can’t interfere. Get a moving van and help packing if you need to. I assume you have a safe place to go. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you (on the basis of his threats). Get a lawyer.
I take it that you have spoken in much greater detail about this to your priest. If he has said that you should leave, take his advice and leave now. The Church does not require you to stay in an abusive relationship. You’ve been trying to make your marriage work. Your husband has not and he is abusive. Your son is also learning to behave in the same way. You need to get him away from this.

Praying for you.
:signofcross:
 
Your son should not be there. Even if he doesn’t fully understand what is going on, his daddy keeps threatening to throw him out, etc.

Your husband is doing classic emotionally abusive behavior stuff. Seriously - it’s like he’s reading a script. The whole, “It’s all your fault” is the key. What the above poster said was true: it will escalate and it will likely become violent at some point.

You and your son need to know where they live from day-to-day, unafraid of sudden rages and fits. You can’t have that while living with your husband.

You should leave, but don’t wait until the next time he tells you to leave. You should plan to leave, but do not tell him your plans. If you tell him your plans, that will make him angry. He wants to control when you stay or go. Get some things packed and moved out of the house, like at your mom’s or something. Gather together important things like passports and birth certificates. Basically, anything important that you might forget if you pack in a hurry. Get them all together and have them ready.

What about money? Do you have any money of your own? Get it to a safe place… can you open a bank account? Even a little bit of cash will come in handy, and you don’t want to have to ask your husband for anything, later.

If you have anyone you can call, tell them what you need. There are shelters and organizations for people, too. Call one of them - they’ll have really good advice for you. You might not need to stay in a shelter, but they will be able to give you a lot of advice regarding what you may need to do.

There is no sin in leaving the house. Nobody is talking divorce, yet, although there may be sufficient reason to legally disolve the civil union part of your marriage. But, that’s not something to worry about, now. The Catholic Church does not require people to stay in dangerous or abusive situations. In fact, you may be doing your husband a favor.
 
Davia, what’s wrong with you? Nothing. Nothing at all.

He’s the one driving away the person who does everything for him. That’s not too smart, is it?

I agree with the others that you should leave if you can, even if it’s for a short time.

And, he needs to get help if he wants to stay married. if he doesn’t want to stay married, then there isn’t much you can do.
 
if he is abusive, yes, call a crisis center and arrange for someone to help you leave with the children while he is out of the house, and get legal help that will force him to confront and deal with his issues.

do not on any circumstances leave without the children

get legal help, first thing monday morning if possible, and learn about your alternatives and consequences of your action. If he is being foolish and irresponsible reacting from his emotions, you will be doubly so if you wait until a situation arises where you have to react this way.
 
Oh Dear, please arrange a way to get out of this situation fast. His emotional abuse could escalate and certainly for your son’s sake who is damaged by this behavior. Talk with a crisis place that deals with domestic abuse (use a land line or delete record of calling the place on your cell) and find out from them how to leave. They usually have secret places for you to stay at. Make sure you bring important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, ect (they will let you know what to bring). If your husband is not willing to get help, he will not change (only get worse)! Please be safe hon. We are all praying for you 👍 .
 
You are living with an abuser, and this is serious.

I would seek advice from a domestic violence line in your city. They can provide free legal assistance, a safe haven, etc.

I would get the money I needed from the bank account and get myself prepared legally. Then, I would act swiftly and decisively. Don’t let him know it’s coming. And, DO NOT stay with him hoping he will change.

I don’t know your situation, but if it were ME, I wouldn’t leave-- he would come home to a new set of locks on the door and HE would be the one leaving.

But, that is best left to the legal experts. Be sure to ask what the ramifications are of you leaving versus him leaving and of you taking the child, etc.

You absolutely need to leave and soon, but take steps to plan, prepare, and do it right. Don’t let him bully you in to giving up your rights, child support, assets, etc. That’s why you should get legal representation FIRST.
 
Been there, done that. Listen to everyone here, make a plan and act on it soon. And you will find that you quietly taking control in your own head will change how you react to him. Being the emotional parasite he is, he will immediately detect the change and may even ratchet up the abuse.

Get your own money, your own bank account and the title to the house (if you own) and get out. Your child is in the terrible twos. That is hard enough. You don’t need the father reinforcing the worst behavior of the terrible twos. Your husband never progressed beyond the two year old emotional stage. They all do the same thing… yelling, throwing things when they’re mad, hitting…

And yes, he will eventually hit you. The phone is a proxy for what he really wants to do to you.

I’m sure his relationship with his parents is fascinating. You are paying the price for his disfunctional upbringing. Break the cycle.

And when you leave, be prepared for a man you never knew. He may call up and return to the charming sweet guy you dated who flattered you and he will try to lure you back. DON’T FALL FOR IT! It’s all a game to them. It’s about doing what they have to to keep control.

That kind is never fixed through counselling. They use counselling sessions to try to manipulate you.

Good luck. And stay in touch with the priest. He’s a wise man.
 
I agree with the other posters about having an “escape plan”, including having some money hidden away somewhere. And yes, the abuse will only grow if left unchecked.

I can only add these points:
  1. Take some self-defense classes; part of it also may include getting an escape plan.
  2. I’ve read your other posts, and **he has a problem with alcohol **. In addition to the domestic violence help centers, I strongly recommend that you get in touch with Al-Anon or some group that helps spouses of people with addictions. These groups may overlap, but they probably have seen it all and can help you with an “escape plan”, analyzing self-defense and legal needs, and, if you want to try it first, analyzing and setting up an “intervention”.
 
davia said:
Okay, I just want to get this out. My husband and I have been married for 7 years.

I have 2 children. a 2 year old and a 34 year old (let me explain, one is my real son and the other is a big child who can’t do anything for himself - not even take a dish to the sink or hang up a coat, or charge his cell phone and it’s my fault because I used it for 2 minutes and “used up all the battery”). Then the oldest “child” had a tantrum and threw the phone. And yelled at me and our 2 year old (yes that’s right, of course the baby got upset at all the yelling and the throwing of the phone and then he just got yelled at by dad for crying.

My son is starting to have problems - He is starting to say things like, "you’re pissing me off, and throwing things like toys. I mean, he’s really is a sweet loving boy on the other hand - I don’t know if it’s the terrible twos or the situation, or both.

So, I am the object of DH’s anger (well, not the only object, but the easiest target). So, I get yelled at and told to leave or else, and then later told nevermind, but he won’t apologize because he’s not the kind of person who says sorry, and besides I was “responsible” in the first place for whatever happened that day. And I have to beg to be able to stay in my own house and although I “win” in not having to leave, I am a loser in that I have to do this or that to stay (more cooking or whatever it was that caused the argument) and that I have to make deals on how long we will “try” to make it work b4 I have to take the baby and walk out.

Others see his attitude problem, but they don’t have to see it 24/7 and I don’t think they really realize what he’s like.

He can be a real jerk, but he can also be a nice person (but i am seeing less of the latter). That’s what tears me up. And what’s better? No father, or one who’s kind of a jerk? I don’t know.

I am ready to leave (almost). I don’t know what’s holding me back. What is wrong with me?
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I am so sorry to hear this. 😦 I believe you are in a very abusive relationship–emotionally/verbally – and your children are adapting to how they see their dad treat you. I would seek counseling, and definitely ask your husband to pursue counseling with you. The stress you are under is not healthy for you or your kids, and I might consider separating–and seeing if things change, if your husband refuses to seek counseling. Living in an abusive situation like this is no way to live–and I’ll keep you in my prayers that somehow, someway, things will change for you, and your family. Your husband most certainly needs to change, though–and if he doesn’t see anything wrong with this abusive behavior and what’s it is doing to you and his family, then you might have to decide if you can live with someone like this–forever. I will pray for you.
 
Abuse always gets worse. And when they play nice it’s a fake-out almost every time.
A lot of us have been there and we know what you’re going through. You have to get out.
Have you read A Child Called It? Dave Pelzer was four when his mother started drinking and acting crabby out of nowhere. She had never been like that before. Suddenly one day she broke his arm. By the time he was twelve, she had starved him almost dead, tried to kill him with poison gas and a knife, and done sickening things to him year after year. His survival is a true miracle. He wrote a self-help book in which he says, if you are being abused, you have to get out immediately. Nothing is more urgent than escaping abuse, becaue it will inevtably get worse.
Lundy Bancroft, who worked with abusive men in anger management for years, wrote Why Does He do That? in which he says contolling temper-tantrum-throwing men are different emotionally. They don’t really feel empathy or caring. They don’t know how or why they would want to. They see eveyone else as their belongings, on earth to amuse them. He says this from a lot of close-up experience. They are likely to abuse the kids as well. There is literally no limit at all to what they will do to the people nearest them.
 
strngrnrth said:
Abuse always gets worse. And when they play nice it’s a fake-out almost every time.
A lot of us have been there and we know what you’re going through. You have to get out.
Have you read A Child Called It? Dave Pelzer was four when his mother started drinking and acting crabby out of nowhere. She had never been like that before. Suddenly one day she broke his arm. By the time he was twelve, she had starved him almost dead, tried to kill him with poison gas and a knife, and done sickening things to him year after year. His survival is a true miracle. He wrote a self-help book in which he says, if you are being abused, you have to get out immediately. Nothing is more urgent than escaping abuse, becaue it will inevtably get worse.
Lundy Bancroft, who worked with abusive men in anger management for years, wrote Why Does He do That? in which he says contolling temper-tantrum-throwing men are different emotionally. They don’t really feel empathy or caring. They don’t know how or why they would want to. They see eveyone else as their belongings, on earth to amuse them. He says this from a lot of close-up experience. They are likely to abuse the kids as well. There is literally no limit at all to what they will do to the people nearest them.
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I read all of his books–omg, heart wrenching. That is a good example.

I dated an abusive man before I married–and I my opinion of abusers, and I have read this as well–is that they were most likely abused as children, and never resolved those feelings of abuse as a helpless child.
 
Please, listen to the good advice given here. No you should not just walk out the door. You should have a plan and support to help you carry out this plan.

This is classic abuse, it is not your fault. But if you stay knowing he is an abuser, against the advice of your priest, eventually it will get worse. How would you feel if he threw your son like he threw that phone??? My MIL stayed in an abusive situation for 11 years!! My husband had his collar bone broken at 2 years old when his dad threw something at his mom and it hit him instead. Many times the kids had there possesions destroyed by his fits, and often they ended up hurt. And even though he knew as he got older it was his dad’s problem, he also blamed his mom for years for staying. It took awhile for him to understand.

Please don’t do this to your child. I do not believe God wants you to live like this.

Nothing is wrong with you, it is him who has the problem. Do NOT blame yourself. There is nothing you can do to change him. Please do what you need to do for you. I urge you to contact an organization in your area that deals with abuse. You will find they understand, and offer the counseling you will need.

PM me if you want to talk. I do understand, Please don’t blame yourself.
 
I think that you should leave. Do you have a relative that you could stay with? Or a friend that wouldn’t tell him where you are? This sounds too serious to wait ‘for a next time’.

Make sure you delete you ‘history’ on the computer so that he can not read this or this too will most likely make him angry.

It sounds similar to my dad, he was a very angry person. Very short fused. I remember a lot of instances where he did this sort of behavior. One specific thing that still stands out in my mind is when he couldn’t find his hairbrush one morning before work and he was cursing and yelling at my mom to get up and find it for him. This happened numerous times. He then went on to say that he was going to get a chain and chain it to the medicine cabinet so it wouldn’t get lost again. :rolleyes: That to me, is not normal. Needless to say, after having some affairs, they are now divorced. I think he was depressed as well, he was always wanting to sleep when he was home and it was a very horrible living situation. Sad to say but once they were divorced we (the 9 kids) didn’t feel like we had to walk on egg shells anymore.

Get out before it is too late. If he won’t seek couseling, well, that is a huge red flag right there because he doesn’t even see that what he is doing is wrong. I will pray for you!!!
 
Can’t add any more to the advice you’ve been given, but here’s a call out to everyone out there:

EVERYONE, stop what you’re doing RIGHT NOW, and say a prayer for davia! She needs help and aside from our advice, that’s the most we can do for her from where we all are.

Pray for her son and husband, too!

God bless you!
 
Wait wait how quick were are to judge with little to no information…

You have been married 7 years? has you husband been like this the whole time? before and after marriage, was there a change when your son arrived?

is you husband depressed? can you try and help him?

Can you go to a friends home, or family home to take a break or a cooling off period?
 
Prayer said.
23eagle23 said:
Wait wait how quick were are to judge with little to no information…

You have been married 7 years? has you husband been like this the whole time? before and after marriage, was there a change when your son arrived?

is you husband depressed? can you try and help him?

Can you go to a friends home, or family home to take a break or a cooling off period?
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For crying out loud, how naive can you be? The OP posted incidents of violence and how it is affecting her child - how much more information is needed? Does the OP or her child have to be murdered or sent to the hospital in order for you to “have enough information”? A lot of the people here have been in the OP’s shoes and have “been there, done that” and so are in a perfect position to make the judgment call and offer advice.

As far as “cooling off” periods, when you are dealing with an abusive person, unless there is some drastic “wake-up” call in the form of jail time or physical defense that makes the abuser think twice about doing violence, the abuser often will settle back into their own ways.

At least that is the lesson I’ve learned from dealing with our family alcoholic.
 
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