Should I keep going to mass with my mom?

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Jestersage

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First off, I am a 30-something, still living with my mom. For simplicity sake, she is a cafeteria catholic (many of her idea is protestant, especially in light of confessions, despite her constant denial of agreeing with protestant – in fact she hates being seen as a protestant.)

Personally speaking, I prefer to attend the mass at the downtown of our city, as it use traditional architecture (with altar rails), there are less distractions (I had to keep my eyes close most of the time today when I am going to mass with my mom… ugh), and the confession allocation in the downtown church is long (1 hour) and consistent.

That being said, I also know that my mother would not go to mass herself at the church near my home, unless I am going with her. She had stated to me that she likes going to mass (ie, it’s not her accompanying me to mass), but just too lazy to go to mass herself. I personally would like her to go to mass herself.

The problem is it’s not just the location, but time – the one time I decide to go to confession at the church near my house (ie 1 hour before the mass), she complained that there is no chairs in the foyer to sit and “forced” her to wander around outside, even though she could have sit at the pew, which is already opened in preparation. (I asked her today, and I tell her that she dont’ have to actually “pray”… I seriously wonder how bad the catechism is in Hong Kong.)

So my question is: do I have a duty to go the church with her? If it is, and if I choose willingly to go to mass at the downtown church, would that be considered a sin against the fourth commandment?
 
Jestersage said:
So my question is: do I have a duty to go the church with her? If it is, and if I choose willingly to go to mass at the downtown church, would that be considered a sin against the fourth commandment?
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Assuming you’re both competent adults, which I’m assuming you are based on your post - no and no.

It’s nice to go to mass with her, but I can’t think of a reason you’d be required to.
 
You can feel free to go wherever you like, and no it’s not against the 4th commandment.
 
If she’s an adult and is able to get to Mass on her own, in other words has transportation and is not so disabled it’s a hardship for her to go by herself, then you don’t have a duty to be making sure she gets to Mass.

It is a nice thing when you voluntarily make the sacrifice and take her, but if she is able-bodied and can get herself there and back, she should really be taking responsibility for her own Mass attendance.

I’d suggest you have a frank talk with her and tell her that you would really like her to go to Mass because it’s important for her spiritually, but if she wants to go with you then she needs to accompany you to the church you select and at the time you wish to go. Otherwise, she’s on her own to get herself to Mass.
 
Thank you, it makes me feel a lot better.

That being said, at what point is a senior consider “not competent enough without an assistance to go”? Does she need to require a walker/walking stick, can’t drive, etc?
 
Jestersage said:
That being said, at what point is a senior consider “not competent enough without an assistance to go”? Does she need to require a walker/walking stick, can’t drive, etc?
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She needs assistance to get to Mass when she starts to need assistance for other outings of similar distance and length as going to church for a Mass. If she’s going most places on her own all week then she can likely go to Mass on her own too. But if she’s going most places with you or another adult, then she’ll likely need to have you or another adult with her when she goes to Mass as well.

You can generally see when your parent is starting to need your help more, especially if you live with them.

Also, you need to take note of whether the church has anything unusual about it that would make it difficult for your mom to go on her own (like is it in a bad neighborhood, does it have good parking if she drives, or if she takes the bus is it close to the bus stop and are buses running a decent schedule on Sunday, etc.)
 
OP, is this emotional “need” ie to be with you?

I ask as my mother became very clingy and would come to church with me rather than let me out of her sight for an hour.

And no I did not encourage that.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
She needs assistance to get to Mass when she starts to need assistance for other outings of similar distance and length as going to church for a Mass. If she’s going most places on her own all week then she can likely go to Mass on her own too. But if she’s going most places with you or another adult, then she’ll likely need to have you or another adult with her when she goes to Mass as well.

You can generally see when your parent is starting to need your help more, especially if you live with them.

Also, you need to take note of whether the church has anything unusual about it that would make it difficult for your mom to go on her own (like is it in a bad neighborhood, does it have good parking if she drives, or if she takes the bus is it close to the bus stop and are buses running a decent schedule on Sunday, etc.)
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Even then though, OP’s responsibility would be to make sure that there is a way for her to get to Mass, which might not necessarily involve OP going with her.
 
DarkLight said:
Even then though, OP’s responsibility would be to make sure that there is a way for her to get to Mass, which might not necessarily involve OP going with her.
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Right, if a caregiver or family friend could give her a ride then he doesn’t need to be there.
My mother spent years having her friend drive her to Mass before I finally had to step in as the friend was in their 80s and not the greatest driver and I was afraid she would have an accident with Mom in the car. By then Mom was having to skip Mass a lot anyway because she had a hard time walking the short way into the church and back to the car without becoming very winded.
 
Why cab’t she go with you to the other Mass?
If it’s as great as you say, maybe this would move her form the “cafeteria” category.

Help her. .
 
Before one replies, please read all the way though this post - there’s a caveat emptor at the end!
DarkLight said:
Even then though, OP’s responsibility would be to make sure that there is

a way for her to get to Mass, which might not necessarily involve OP going with her.

Rosebud77;14811281 said:
👍 perfect.
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Would someone please provide proof in either the Catechism or Code of Cannon Law that clearly states that Jestersage, or for that fact any adult, has the responsibility to ensure that any other adult has a way to attend Mass

In fact I point to CCC2187
**2181 The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) **or dispensed by their own pastor.119 Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.
If Jestersage’s mother is physically unable to make it Mass due to some valid physical, medical, and/or psychological impediment then she is excused from the Sunday and Holy day obligations - period.
The onus of providing a way for her to attend Mass does not then fall to her son!
**Forcing **this imaginary “obligation” upon Jestersage would then make such an act potentially “servile work” which could then violate CCC2187
**2187 **Sanctifying Sundays and holy days requires a common effort. Every Christian should avoid making **unnecessary demands **on others that would hinder them from observing the Lord’s Day.

Specifically at Jestersage:

Though you may well not have such a “legal” obligation to ensure that your Mother has a means to attend Mass; however, to do so, of your own free will, is a good and pious act and well within keeping of the Sabbath and with CCC2186:

**2186 **Those Christians who have leisure should be mindful of their brethren who have the same needs and the same rights, yet cannot rest from work because of poverty and misery. Sunday is traditionally consecrated by Christian piety to good works and humble service of the sick, the infirm, and the elderly. Christians will also sanctify Sunday by devoting time and care to their families and relatives, often difficult to do on other days of the week. Sunday is a time for reflection, silence, cultivation of the mind, and meditation which furthers the growth of the Christian interior life.

in short - OFFER IT UP to the Lord for HIS glory
By all means, **offer **to take her to the church you prefer to attend and if she refuses, then go by yourself. IMHO, you should also often offer to take her to the church she prefers - Mass is the Mass - doesn’t matter the form nor the language used, it is the Celebration of the Most Holy Eucharist.
You might be surprised… if she attends the church you prefer often enough, she may begin to prefer that church!
( as Pianistclare so aptly points out - this change may be just what your Mom needs to revive her Catholic faith!)

Something for you to ponder:
My Dad passed away over a decade ago, in this life, he’s never seen his grand children, I don’t have is voice for support, advice, nor comfort.
In this life, I will never have another hug or pat-on-the back from him.
Do this for you Mom, for one day, she will not be here
  • and that day is like the thief in the night
  • then, Jestersage, when she is gone, what will you do?
    ( 1Thessalonians5:1-5 )
 
No one has said he has any “legal” obligation to take his mom to church or make sure she gets there.

Most of us have had elderly parents or maybe been elderly and disabled ourselves.
If mom wants to go to Mass, or is in the habit of going to Mass, and then can’t get there on her own and you either can’t or don’t wish to take her yourself, then trying to make sure she has a good, safe way to go would be acting as a good and honorable child.
It doesn’t need a 6 inch long post full of citations to figure that out.

And yes, if Mom is physically unable to go because she is so disabled or ill that she doesn’t feel able to attend or it’s not safe for her health to attend, then of course she’s excused. Again, this is normal logic and common sense. Do you think my Mom who had been a Catholic all her life called the priest for a dispensation every time she, as an 86-year-old, did not feel well enough to go to Mass? It wasn’t necessary and she knew that.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
No one has said he has any “legal” obligation to take his mom to church or make sure she gets there.
Most of us have had elderly parents or maybe been elderly and disabled ourselves.
If mom wants to go to Mass, or is in the habit of going to Mass, and then can’t get there on her own and you either can’t or don’t wish to take her yourself, then trying to make sure she has a good, safe way to go would be acting as a good and honorable child.
It doesn’t need a 6 inch long post full of citations to figure that out.
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:ouch:
 
Tis_Bearself said:
No one has said he has any “legal” obligation to take his mom to church or make sure she gets there…
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Tis Bearself, while you did not, nor have others such as Pianistclare; however, both in
Post #8 (link): DarkLight clearly states that OP has such an obligation
and
Post #9 (link): Rosebud77 seconds that position

and it needs to be clearly pointed out that such an obligation simply does not exist.
Ithen trying to make sure she has a good, safe way to go would be acting as a good and honorable child
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yes, agreed, and clearly stated at the end of my post
It doesn’t need a 6 inch long post full of citations to figure that out.
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Perhaps not for you, or for many, and yet for others it will. 🤷
Do you think my Mom who had been a Catholic all her life called the priest for a dispensation every time she, as an 86-year-old, did not feel well enough to go to Mass? It wasn’t necessary and she knew that.
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It’s stated in 2181 that one doesn’t need to “call the priest” every time one is sick for a dispensation by the word “or” (…) excused for a serious reason OR dispensed (…) however, as much fun as it would be to do so, let’s not stray down this path too much further 🙂
 
Not every obligation is listed out explicitly.

We have a general obligation, as a faith community, to aid one another in the practice of faith, including getting to Mass. As children, we also have a specific obligation to try to help our parents meet their needs - including spiritual needs. I think that adds up pretty well that an adult child who is in a position to reasonably take a parent with them to Mass, where that parent would not otherwise be able to attend, ought to do so. It simply falls out of our obligation to parents.
 
Right. I also think it falls also less about going to a different church, but taking mom to a parish where there she can come back to more than just “cafeteria Catholic”.

That would be the real kindness.
 
z_0101 said:
Something for you to ponder:
My Dad passed away over a decade ago, in this life, he’s never seen his grand children, I don’t have is voice for support, advice, nor comfort.
In this life, I will never have another hug or pat-on-the back from him.
Do this for you Mom, for one day, she will not be here
  • and that day is like the thief in the night
  • then, Jestersage, when she is gone, what will you do?
    ( 1Thessalonians5:1-5 )
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Thanks for making me think about this. As she is capable of driving (and often drive me to the station as needed), in terms of canon law it is completely of her, and it is her will of whether to go or not. However, as I do care for her, I think if I am the reason she is willing to go to mass, then I shall go, even if I have to* forego my confessions*. (cannot arrive 1 hour early before the mass as she hate sitting inside a church doing “nothing”)

Can’t wait for fall to come back period. Pray for me I do not fall into any further violation of 6th and 9th comandment.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
No one has said he has any “legal” obligation to take his mom to church or make sure she gets there.

Most of us have had elderly parents or maybe been elderly and disabled ourselves.
If mom wants to go to Mass, or is in the habit of going to Mass, and then can’t get there on her own and you either can’t or don’t wish to take her yourself, then trying to make sure she has a good, safe way to go would be acting as a good and honorable child.
It doesn’t need a 6 inch long post full of citations to figure that out.

And yes, if Mom is physically unable to go because she is so disabled or ill that she doesn’t feel able to attend or it’s not safe for her health to attend, then of course she’s excused. Again, this is normal logic and common sense. Do you think my Mom who had been a Catholic all her life called the priest for a dispensation every time she, as an 86-year-old, did not feel well enough to go to Mass? It wasn’t necessary and she knew that.
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Thanks for this quiet sense. Seems to be some doubts as to what being Catholic means when there is age and disability involved.
I am now unable to safely attend Mass. For medical reasons.And am in obedience to my very experienced spiritual advisors on that.
It does not mean I am lacking in faith or am that appallingly judgmental term " a cafeteria Catholic"
Simply that I have major serious health issues and as an octagenarian am fine with that. It is another step and stage along this road of life.
Years ago there was a thread re mass attendance and someone posted that we MUST attend Mass even if it meant being in a wheelchair and wearing a mask, and some of these posts are on the same level.

These days we have live mass on radio, TV and online.
And my faith is deeper and stronger than it has ever been; simply expressed in different ways.

Our old wans have choice. We all and each know our capabilities and our needs.Listen to us please and respect us?
 
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