Should I marry a non-Catholic?

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kate47

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I grew up Christian/Catholic and was always taught to be pure for my future husband etc. As an adult I strayed away from my faith and that didn’t happen. I was having a “fling” with a man and got pregnant. 2 years later, here we are with the most beautiful son in the world and are engaged to be married. My fiancé has no faith whatsoever, and hardly has a family. His mother left when he was a baby and it’s just been him and his father (who is a little crazy) his whole life. Somehow in spite of this he turned out remarkably well and is everything I want in a life partner - except he is not of any faith, and consequently tends to be quite selfish, because he answers to no higher power.
Now, when we got engaged, this didn’t matter to me because I was not a practicing Catholic. But a couple of months ago I went back to church. I moved out of our shared apartment. I started praying the Rosary daily. I quit having sex with him. I went to confession. I started receiving the Sacraments.
I am so happy and at peace with my decisions… but he is miserable. He sees the sexual deprivation as pointless suffering and feels completely rejected and abandoned.
We completed a Catholic marriage prep over 6 months ago, because my family is Catholic and although I was not practicing, we were planning to marry in the Church. Since then he has been begging me to set a date for our wedding. Now he has become more persistent because the wedding is the “light at the end of the tunnel” when we can move back in together and continue living as a family.
But ever since I started receiving the Sacraments, I am no longer sure that I can marry him. It would be quite a cross to bear to be married to someone who did not share my faith.
He wants to raise our children Catholic, btw. Just does not see himself converting anytime soon.
Someone please give me some hope and/or advice in this situation. I know that God is sovereign and can work miracles; He has worked a miracle in me. I just wish He could have worked the same miracle in us both at the same time.
 
From your post, it sounds like you are having second thoughts about marrying this man.

I’d say, go with your gut and don’t marry him. Tell him that you would prefer to be married to someone who genuinely shares your faith.

It’s not so much that he doesn’t have any faith, but that you said he “tends to be quite selfish”. That is not a phrase most of us getting ready to head down the altar would use about our spouse-to-be. We would be saying he is a great guy and listing all of his good qualities. I think there is something about this man that is turning you off apart from his just not being a Catholic.

I married a non-Catholic and had no second thoughts about it before or after the marriage. It just felt right. But this doesn’t feel right to you. Don’t marry him.
 
They have a child together, so the free-will is impacted.
It is a parameter to take into acount: does she really want him to live with separate parents and step parents?
 
I do not speak of legal or social obligation, but moral obligation. And the fact it is a hurt for the child.
 
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I agree, if he would be a bad husband. On the other hand, it should be taken into consideration. I am certainly not suggesting she marry this man, but I will say that it sounds as if her main problem is that she does not want to share a life with a non-Catholic. That’s understandable, I would feel the same way. But there are good non-Catholic husbands and fathers. Would it be a cross for her to bear? yes. Would that burden be worth it for the sake of the child? only she can answer that.
 
tafan2 said:
But there are good non-Catholic husbands
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As I said, I was married to a non-Catholic for a very long time. (He died.)
He was never “selfish”. (I was probably selfish myself. I don’t recall him ever being like that.)
He did not take my not wanting to have sex for religious or any other reason as a personal rejection of him.
I would note that he was baptized and raised Protestant, so he had a better grounding in Christianity and religion than this man does, and understood more about how religion can be important.
I also was not wondering before our wedding if I truly wanted to marry him. I was sure that he was the one to marry.

I agree there are good non-Catholic husbands out there, but this guy sounds like a bad risk to me.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
I agree there are good non-Catholic husbands out there, but this guy sounds like a bad risk to me.
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Could be, I do not want to opine one way or another based on such little information. I am just saying that what is best for the child has to be one consideration.
 
Can you envision living with this man, exactly as he is today, for the next 60 years of your life? Do you want this man to be the every day influence on your children?

Do not marry expecting him to change, convert, become a different person or even change how he hangs the toilet paper roll.
 
tafan2 said:
Would it be a cross for her to bear? yes. Would that burden be worth it for the sake of the child? only she can answer that.
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This is what I am getting at… we lived together as if we were husband and wife for two years before I moved out. We’ve been through a whole lot of troubles together and have always come out on the other side loving one another more. He is a good “husband”, and our relationship has led to us becoming better people together. I am sure there would be difficulty in any marriage, my heart just hurts at the thought of never being able to share my faith with my spouse. And there are so many other things that come along with the faith - beliefs about the purpose of marriage, the purpose of sex, the raising of children, a whole worldview.
There is also the question of vocation - how do I know if God is calling me to marry this man? I want so badly for my son to grow up with an intact family. I guess I always figured that God would not have allowed my son to come into the world if He did not have a plan for me and my fiancé. Does that make sense or am I crazy? My fiancé seems very sure that I am his soulmate, so it sucks trying to figure this out on my own.
 
kate47 said:
There is also the question of vocation - how do I know if God is calling me to marry this man?
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God calls us to the vocation of marriage then leaves the spouse selection up to us. That whole free will thing 🙂 We Catholics do not believe in “soulmates”, that is a secular concept. Again, free will.
kate47 said:
I guess I always figured that God would not have allowed my son to come into the world if He did not have a plan for me and my fiancé.
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God allows children to be conceived through sin, through mistakes, as well as inside a valid, sacramental marriage. He allows children to be conceived between people who are great spouses and people who should never have had more than dinner together.
 
Kate, I won’t give you any further advice beyond talk to your pastor, and make sure you have explained this all thoroughly to your potential spouse.
kate47 said:
I guess I always figured that God would not have allowed my son to come into the world if He did not have a plan for me and my fiancé. Does that make sense or am I crazy?
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You are certainly not crazy, I would say this, God did would not have allowed your son to come into the world if He did not have a plan (perhaps “will” is a better word) for your son. And we know one thing, He wills that your son be saved, and you are responsible for getting him off on the right track towards that end.

One last thing for you to consider: is your potential spouse kind?
 
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TheLittleLady said:
God calls us to the vocation of marriage then leaves the spouse selection up to us. That whole free will thing 🙂 We Catholics do not believe in “soulmates”, that is a secular concept. Again, free will.
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This is something I did not know! I read on another thread that God calls us to marry a particular person rather than just to marriage in general.
tafan2 said:
One last thing for you to consider: is your potential spouse kind?
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Yes, he is. He is a good dad too.
tafan2 said:
Kate, I won’t give you any further advice beyond talk to your pastor, and make sure you have explained this all thoroughly to your potential spouse.
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I have explained it all to him, and I will talk to my pastor next.

Thank you both for your responses and hopefully prayers 😊
 
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I was not Catholic when I married my wife, but became Catholic after 16 years of marriage. I’m not saying you should hope for that to happen, because it may not. But I will offer this suggestion.
Ask him if he would be willing to attend an RCIA program (usually starting in September) to learn more about your faith. That would mean putting off your wedding for at least 14 months. Once he knows more bout the Catholic faith, you will know more about how feels about letting you follow the faith, or in a best case scenario, he may follow through and enter the church. Make him understand there is no commitment by attending RCIA, but it will bring the too of you closer. Pray constantly asking God to open his heart to Jesus. If you fiancee refuses or quits, that may send you a signal of what’s to come. Speak to your priest about it too. God Bless!
 
I would second this. Maybe he doesn’t need to agree to RCIA, but I would expect him to agree to studying the faith so that he has a basic understanding of Catholicism. This is what we suggest to every interfaith couple. You don’t have to agree to convert, but you need to agree to at least come to an understanding of the Catholic spouse’s religion. For this purpose, I often recommend Fr Knox’s book, The Belief of Catholics. It is slightly dated, but it does not read as a catechism, rather it walks a person through how Catholics come to belief and the Catholic mindset. It is actually written for someone considering converting, but it does not try to talk them into it, so it serves this purpose extremely well. It does cover plenty of doctrine, but I would not consider it a catechism. It is very readable.

https://www.amazon.com/Belief-Catho..._encoding=UTF8&qid=1551900034&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

I know Bishop Barron’s book Catholocism is also good, but I think Knox’s book is a more enjoyable read.
 
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kate47 said:
This is something I did not know! I read on another thread that God calls us to marry a particular person rather than just to marriage in general.
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I will agree with TheLittleLady’s comment, the idea of a “soulmate” should be foreign to a Catholic. I know that many, due to an actual deep love for their spouse, will refer to their spouse as a soulmate. That is because after a while they just cannot imagine being married to anyone else. That is great. But loving a spouse is a decision.

I am not saying anyone with the right mindset can be married to anyone. Certainly discernment is critically important. We tell couples, up until you say “I do”, be willing to back out. But do not look for one who you believe God has destined you to marry (beyond His foreknowledge of course).
 
tafan2 said:
the idea of a “soulmate” should be foreign to a Catholic.
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This really changes things. Would it be fair to say then that I have to take responsibility of who I choose to marry, rather than wait around for God to give me a sign that I’ve got the right person in mind?
(Because waiting for a sign is kind of what I’ve been doing… this original post was me looking for a sign…)

That I should be focusing more on whether God is calling me to marriage in the first place (which so far I believe He is) and if He is, preparing myself to be the best wife I can be. And then after that, figuring out what I want in a husband, and then after that, figuring out if my fiancé meets those criteria.
 
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You’ve got to seriously think about dropping this whole idea of “is he what I want” because you’ve recently been into something that he’s not. If that’s what he’ll be in for the rest of his life, a fickle spouse, he may not want to marry you.

For all intents and purposes, you’re already married to him. Changing your mind at this point would be to trod down the road of legalism. But if that’s how you roll, that’s on you.
 
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For me, and for all of the successful (lasting) marriages I know, when we met the right person there was simply no question about marriage. We could not wait to be old married people 🙂
 
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