Should I marry a non-Catholic?

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kate47 said:
That I should be focusing more on whether God is calling me to marriage in the first place (which so far I believe He is) and if He is, preparing myself to be the best wife I can be. And then after that, figuring out what I want in a husband, and then after that, figuring out if my fiancé meets those criteria.
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I like this, they do not have to be done completely sequentially.
 
IMHO, based on experience (my husband’s), marrying solely because you have a child together is probably one of the WORST reasons to get married.

Eventually your child will grow up and will need you less. Even as he gets older, he’ll become more and more independent even before he gets out of the house. When he gets to be a teenager, and older, what’s holding your marriage together?

There is also the possibility, though we pray it would never occur, that something should happen to him. If he’s not in the picture anymore, what’s holding your marriage together?

My husband originally married a woman who he realizes with retrospect he should not have married. The only positive things to come out of that relationship were his daughter, and the opportunity to meet me (Hubby emigrated from another country to be with his ex; I am from the same country as his ex and we live here together.) They married because they were pregnant, and the marriage lasted just over four years. It’s been more than 10 years now since they split up, and his ex STILL has a lot of anger towards him.

(For the record: his first marriage was investigated and he received a declaration of nullity. We are sacramentally married.)
 
His_helpmeet said:
IMHO, based on experience (my husband’s), marrying solely because you have a child together is probably one of the WORST reasons to get married.
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This is true, and this is why we have not gotten married yet. Thankfully my family and his have been very supportive of our discernment and are not pressuring us one way or another. I do not want to marry him just because we have a child together, although I do also want our child to grow up in a stable family. This is another aspect of my great confusion.
 
Unless I’m missing something, you two have a child and have been living together for two years. On top of that you’ve completed marriage prep in order to get married.

The purpose of marriage is to raise children. It seems like that’s what you’re already doing. Neither of you have left each other after two years despite the opportunity to do so without having to go through the pain of a legal divorce. Then both of you decided to get married, in the Church no less. He hasn’t ditched you after you moved out, he’s still waiting. That’s devotion. You say he’s a good father. You say you’ve grown closer to him. You say you’ve come back to the Church.

A tree is judged by it’s fruit. Your tree looks a lot like a marriage to me. A tree which seems to be bearing good fruit.
 
He doesn’t sound selfish to me. He wants to marry you and he is willing to raise the kid(s) Catholic?

You turned his world upside down by moving out and completely changing the dynamic of your relationship because you found your faith. Given that you have a child you are raising together, he could validly claim that you are the one who has been acting selfishly. And yet, you didn’t say he did that at all.

If you love him, marry him. If you don’t, then don’t. Don’t expect him to convert, though.
 
I want to share my experience with you. I was conceived prior to my parents getting married and before they were engaged. They just divorced this year after 32 years of a very difficult marriage. My mom is a cradle Catholic and my Dad was raised with no religion at all. My dad promised to raise the kids Catholic and did a poor job keeping that promise, including making it difficult for us to even attend mass at times let alone have any significant faith lived out in our home. I think you can manage to raise Catholic children in spite of a non-Catholic husband but it will be a long difficult road. It"s also very hard for boys to take their faith seriously if they don’t have a strong Catholic influence from their father. As others have rightly said previously you shouldn’t enter marriage “hoping” he will convert, you could end up very frustrated and disappointed.

It jumps out at me the understandable sexual struggle he is having right now. I would strongly encourage you guys to have a very serious, honest discussion about the sexual teachings of the church in marriage, NFP, what is and is not allowed etc. Please be willing to be gentle with each other and let each other go now if you cannot both firmly agree to following the church’s teaching on matters of sexuality. Back to my parents, my Dad struggled very much with the church’s teachings in this regard and my mom suffered with a spouse she could never satisfy. After many years of repeated affairs my mom was left with no option but to leave to protect her health. Please don’t repeat their mistakes you both have to be on the same page even if he doesn’t convert. God bless you both.
 
Stable families come in many different forms. Two parents who love the child, who do not use the child against each other, who are respectful toward one another and toward the “step parents” can be a very stable family.
 
Convert3 said:
Ask him if he would be willing to attend an RCIA program (usually starting in September) to learn more about your faith.
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I definitely recommend talking to him about this, especially if you can find a good solid RCIA program. Make sure he knows it’s not a requirement that he join the church just because he attends RCIA.(Some classes sort of assume that’s your goal.)
It’s important that he understand the reasons for the church’s rules on contraception, for example, so that he’s not caught off guard by your wanting to use NFP.
Also, waiting for a sign from God as to whether he’s the right man, doesn’t seem like a good idea. I would say having a child together is a sign that he should be taken seriously as a father. And you say he’s a good one. Stepfathers don’t always love their stepchildren as much as the biofathers.

Realistically, leaving him might set you up for raising your child as a single parent, which is a hard road to travel. I was a single mom of two boys for 17 years, and there was a lot of pain involved for all concerned. If you have a kind man, who’s a good father except that he hasn’t heard the Good News yet, I would think seriously about keeping him.
Maybe once he meets Jesus. he will want to convert. It’s a possibility.
 
OP, I hope that you will not make your decision based either on waiting from “a sign” or on the advice of strangers on the internet. That said, I, stranger-on-the-internet, will note the following:
  1. Whether or not you go ahead with the wedding, you will have an intimate connection with this man for the rest of your life. He is the father of your child. Any decision you make should fully take this into account. If you decide not to marry him, yes, your child will suffer from the loss of an intact family structure and the availability of both parents. You have created a de facto family, and if you decide not to marry your child’s father it will be destroying that family.
  2. Posters above have raised a good point about not expecting your fiance to change. You should also let your fiance know that you don’t intend to abandon Catholic teachings to return to your previous opinions, though he may at first be skeptical of this because you’ve only gone back a few months and are probably in a bit of a honeymoon phase. If you decide to marry, you should be honest with him, and he with you.
  3. We are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I would argue that you have yoked yourself to this unbeliever (see above), so yes, it would be a cross for you to bear not to be able to have the same faith as your spouse. I note, however, that from your fiance’s point of view you’ve been giving him some crosses to bear–moving out, essentially “separating” from what appeared to him to be a stable, committed relationship, and now potentially going back on your agreement to marry.
  4. Whatever you do, don’t entertain regrets afterward. Just don’t. So if you break it off with your fiance, don’t then try to get together with him afterward when you think of all his good qualities; that would be cruel. Likewise, if you marry him, don’t wallow in resentment that he doesn’t share your faith.
 
heidi_storage said:
We are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I would argue that you have yoked yourself to this unbeliever (see above),
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The sexual act and conception of a child does not mean she is “yoked” in the teaching of the Church.
heidi_storage said:
your child will suffer from the loss of an intact family structure and the availability of both parents
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Both parents can be available and not live under the same roof.
 
Yeah, but this isn’t a hookup–she’s been living with the man for a long time, they had a child together. And parents who don’t live together make a different family structure than parents who live together. Situations like these are why you shouldn’t have sex before marriage.
 
heidi_storage said:
Situations like these are why you shouldn’t have sex before marriage.
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Yup. I know this now. I’m grateful that everything happened the way it did because God gave me my son, and I’ve grown considerably in maturity and faith, but there has been a lot of pain and heartbreak because I chose to do things out of order. Natural law.
 
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