Should I marry my son's mother?

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wahwah

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Hi all
I need counsel.
I was married for 5 years to a woman previously. I had serious addictive problems with porn, and acted outside of the marriage as well. We separated, and all this came to the fore, making for a messy divorce. I belonged to sex addiction recovery groups throughout the period and sincerely did my best with prayer, sacramental confession, spiritual direction.
I took advice from the wrong people, and after being separated for a year, met a woman online. It was lust at first sight, and within a month she was pregnant. We both took this as a great blessing. At the same time, we rushed to buy a house and make an environment suitable to raise the baby in. He was born, is a supremely beautiful child, with a wonderful temperament. We both adore him. He is now nearly two.
In recent months though, I’ve seriously begun doubting if I want to marry his mom. I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her.
She is beginning to clue into this and has told me she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love her.
I understand that in Christianity, love is a decision. I pray and try my best.
Still, I feel there is something in me that makes me not fit for marriage, at least not yet,
But I love being a father and am great with my son.
Also, after my first date with her I had a very vivid and unusual dream of mother Mary appearing to me and adamantly telling me not to date her any more. I went against that and this is where I am today. Confused, and uncertain what to do next.
I would like to move to an apartment nearby and take care of the baby as much as I can.
She loves me and wants to marry. She is also divorced and has made no moves for an annulment -she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
 
You can’t marry her then if her marriage is recognized by the church
 
wahwah said:
Hi all
I need counsel.
-she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
Click to expand...
What do you mean by you being a practicing Catholic?

Do you mean you are a practicing Catholic in good standing with Church teaching?
 
I’m very sorry to hear of your predicament. And especially sorry for your little boy who deserves to have a mother and father who love each other and him, and are married and live together.

Are the reasons you do not love your son’s mother things that can never change or be resolved? If so, then I guess you now have no other option than to live as close as possible and be as involved in your son’s life as much as you can.

However, your son’s mother will find someone else. She is not Catholic and likely sees nothing wrong with behaving as she did with you. She might move someone into the home with your son and he will be unprotected from this new person. And it may not just be one man, but a series of men over the years of your son’s life.

Maybe you can work on leading his mother to the Faith. Spend time together as a family. Maybe the lack of “love” you feel now can change over time. I just wonder if you are still confusing attraction with a more deep, selfless love ??

I hope you can find a solution that puts your son’s well being first.

God Bless.
 
In reply

I’m a practicing Catholic in the sense that I regularly go to confession, pray, read Scripture, try to do examen if conscience regularly. I take our son to mass every Sunday too. His mom stays at home during mass-she’s not interested. She came to Mass once, was bored and complained about the big sacrifice she was making by coming with me.
I’m-as I stated earlier, also a sinner- I have made progress in my areas of temptation.
I have also tried very hard in prayer to offer this up as my own particular kind of cross, and to pray for us to resolve our past issues (our Lady Undoer of Knots prayers) to lead us to marriage. But things just seem to get worse.
I’m wondering if I move out sooner than later, while the baby is still young.
 
wahwah said:
In reply

I’m a practicing Catholic in the sense that I regularly go to confession, pray, read Scripture, try to do examen if conscience regularly. I take our son to mass every Sunday too. His mom stays at home during mass-she’s not interested. She came to Mass once, was bored and complained about the big sacrifice she was making by coming with me.
I’m-as I stated earlier, also a sinner- I have made progress in my areas of temptation.
I have also tried very hard in prayer to offer this up as my own particular kind of cross, and to pray for us to resolve our past issues (our Lady Undoer of Knots prayers) to lead us to marriage. But things just seem to get worse.
I’m wondering if I move out sooner than later, while the baby is still young.
Click to expand...
You are very wise to realize you should not be living with a woman who is not your wife. Yes, it is best that you free yourself from cohabitating - and as soon as possible.

Until you have a place to move, make sure to avoid sexual sins with this woman and remember she, too, is a precious child of God.

There is no reason for you to marry a woman who you are not in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with.

You may also want to seek an annulment from your ex-wife incase some day you wish to look for a spouse.

Can you arrange for your son to live with you at least some of the time?

Please stay very active - always - as a father. This little child needs you, even though you and his mother are not called to the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Continue to take him to Mass and bring him up in the Faith.

Have you had the chance to bring him to the Sacrament of Baptism? Seek wonderful godparents who can help you bring him up in the Faith of the Church.

Blessings on you and your search for Truth and Peace in being a godly father for this precious child.
 
wahwah said:
In reply

I’m a practicing Catholic in the sense that I regularly go to confession, pray, read Scripture, try to do examen if conscience regularly. I take our son to mass every Sunday too. His mom stays at home during mass-she’s not interested. She came to Mass once, was bored and complained about the big sacrifice she was making by coming with me.
I’m-as I stated earlier, also a sinner- I have made progress in my areas of temptation.
I have also tried very hard in prayer to offer this up as my own particular kind of cross, and to pray for us to resolve our past issues (our Lady Undoer of Knots prayers) to lead us to marriage. But things just seem to get worse.
I’m wondering if I move out sooner than later, while the baby is still young.
Click to expand...
Good for you for trying to be in full communion with the church. 👍

And of course you should not marry this women! You do not love her. You have answered your own question. Keep caring for your child and find a women who will help you along your journey, not hinder you.
 
wahwah said:
Hi all
I need counsel.
I was married for 5 years to a woman previously. I had serious addictive problems with porn, and acted outside of the marriage as well. We separated, and all this came to the fore, making for a messy divorce. I belonged to sex addiction recovery groups throughout the period and sincerely did my best with prayer, sacramental confession, spiritual direction.
I took advice from the wrong people, and after being separated for a year, met a woman online. It was lust at first sight, and within a month she was pregnant. We both took this as a great blessing. At the same time, we rushed to buy a house and make an environment suitable to raise the baby in. He was born, is a supremely beautiful child, with a wonderful temperament. We both adore him. He is now nearly two.
In recent months though, I’ve seriously begun doubting if I want to marry his mom. I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her.
She is beginning to clue into this and has told me she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love her.
I understand that in Christianity, love is a decision. I pray and try my best.
Still, I feel there is something in me that makes me not fit for marriage, at least not yet,
But I love being a father and am great with my son.
Also, after my first date with her I had a very vivid and unusual dream of mother Mary appearing to me and adamantly telling me not to date her any more. I went against that and this is where I am today. Confused, and uncertain what to do next.
I would like to move to an apartment nearby and take care of the baby as much as I can.
She loves me and wants to marry. She is also divorced and has made no moves for an annulment -she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
Click to expand...
Please go and speak to your priest as soon as possible. You have a lot of things going on and your need spiritual direction. Your previous marriage prohibits you from remarriage in any case and you should not be fornicating with the mother of your son for this is adultery. She too, is not considered to be free to remarry according to our Church. She would also have to receive an annulment before you could marry. So even if you did decide to marry her, each of you would have to apply for and receive an annulment. In the meantime, unless you stop fornicating with this woman, you are not able to receive the Eucharist. Go and seek help from your priest. I am surprised that the ones you consulted did not tell you that you are unable to marry unless and until you and she are both granted an annulment. As of right now, you are both still considered to be married. Did you ever get a divorce from your first wife? It didn’t sound as if you had.

Also, do not desert your son, because you brought him into existence and you must take care of him for the rest of your life.
 
RoseMary131 said:
What do you mean by you being a practicing Catholic?

Do you mean you are a practicing Catholic in good standing with Church teaching?
Click to expand...
Good point. I don’t understand the "Practicing Catholic " part at all.
 
wahwah said:
…I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her…
Click to expand...
Do you need to know more than this? And three priests? You wouldn’t believe what only two told you?

Since you seem to think you are free to marry, I’m assuming your first wife has obtained a decree of nullity. As for the mother of your son, did you mention to any of the priests you talked to that she is divorced but has not asked for a decree of nullity? Has any priest ever told her that the validity of her first marriage is in doubt? If there was not a defect in form or some other obviously disqualifying problem, her first marriage must be assumed to be valid unless proven otherwise. That means you must assume she is still validly married. If that is the case, why are you continuing to live with another man’s wife?

If you are both free to marry, you can marry someone because you have decided that you will love them–that is, you are not bound to follow your emotions, but can follow your will–but you do not marry validly if you do not choose your spouse positively, without reservation. You can’t get enough opinions to get you around that. Your dreams are even telling you that. Don’t futz around any more. Do what you know you ought to do.
 
wahwah said:
Hi all
I need counsel.
I was married for 5 years to a woman previously. I had serious addictive problems with porn, and acted outside of the marriage as well. We separated, and all this came to the fore, making for a messy divorce. I belonged to sex addiction recovery groups throughout the period and sincerely did my best with prayer, sacramental confession, spiritual direction.
I took advice from the wrong people, and after being separated for a year, met a woman online. It was lust at first sight, and within a month she was pregnant. We both took this as a great blessing. At the same time, we rushed to buy a house and make an environment suitable to raise the baby in. He was born, is a supremely beautiful child, with a wonderful temperament. We both adore him. He is now nearly two.
In recent months though, I’ve seriously begun doubting if I want to marry his mom. I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her.
She is beginning to clue into this and has told me she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love her.
I understand that in Christianity, love is a decision. I pray and try my best.
Still, I feel there is something in me that makes me not fit for marriage, at least not yet,
But I love being a father and am great with my son.
Also, after my first date with her I had a very vivid and unusual dream of mother Mary appearing to me and adamantly telling me not to date her any more. I went against that and this is where I am today. Confused, and uncertain what to do next.
I would like to move to an apartment nearby and take care of the baby as much as I can.
She loves me and wants to marry. She is also divorced and has made no moves for an annulment -she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
Click to expand...
You would be marrying this lady for the wrong reason. Marriage for the right reason is difficult enough and you would just be setting yourself up to fail and create an even a bigger mess of all three of your lives in the future. You need to make arrangements for child support and joint custody and then move out as soon as possible. It sounds like you are not fully healed from your porn addiction yet, and should avoid any more romantic relationships for a while.
 
Should I marry my son’s mother?
Click to expand...
If you have to ask the question, then the answer is “No.”

Take the advice of others and speak to a priest. There are many issues that need to be addressed, and it is best done so by proper counsel.
 
EasterJoy said:
Do you need to know more than this? And three priests? You wouldn’t believe what only two told you?

Since you seem to think you are free to marry, I’m assuming your first wife has obtained a decree of nullity. As for the mother of your son, did you mention to any of the priests you talked to that she is divorced but has not asked for a decree of nullity? Has any priest ever told her that the validity of her first marriage is in doubt? If there was not a defect in form or some other obviously disqualifying problem, her first marriage must be assumed to be valid unless proven otherwise. That means you must assume she is still validly married. If that is the case, why are you continuing to live with another man’s wife?

If you are both free to marry, you can marry someone because you have decided that you will love them–that is, you are not bound to follow your emotions, but can follow your will–but you do not marry validly if you do not choose your spouse positively, without reservation. You can’t get enough opinions to get you around that. Your dreams are even telling you that. Don’t futz around any more. Do what you know you ought to do.
Click to expand...
Totally right-on. I think people who make babies out of wedlock should get married unless there is a very serious reason why the relationship could not be made to work. If there is a true determination to provide a stable, loving two-parent home, I see no reason why lack of passion or warm fuzzies should impede a marriage. Many people have cultivated a marriage on less. However, it does seem unlikely that you are both free to marry at this time. Straighten it out and do what is right for your child, whether that includes a marriage, or just your 100% devotion to and support of your son and his mother.
 
wahwah said:
Hi all
I need counsel.
I was married for 5 years to a woman previously. I had serious addictive problems with porn, and acted outside of the marriage as well. We separated, and all this came to the fore, making for a messy divorce. I belonged to sex addiction recovery groups throughout the period and sincerely did my best with prayer, sacramental confession, spiritual direction.
I took advice from the wrong people, and after being separated for a year, met a woman online. It was lust at first sight, and within a month she was pregnant. We both took this as a great blessing. At the same time, we rushed to buy a house and make an environment suitable to raise the baby in. He was born, is a supremely beautiful child, with a wonderful temperament. We both adore him. He is now nearly two.
In recent months though, I’ve seriously begun doubting if I want to marry his mom. I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her.
She is beginning to clue into this and has told me she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love her.
I understand that in Christianity, love is a decision. I pray and try my best.
Still, I feel there is something in me that makes me not fit for marriage, at least not yet,
But I love being a father and am great with my son.
Also, after my first date with her I had a very vivid and unusual dream of mother Mary appearing to me and adamantly telling me not to date her any more. I went against that and this is where I am today. Confused, and uncertain what to do next.
I would like to move to an apartment nearby and take care of the baby as much as I can.
She loves me and wants to marry. She is also divorced and has made no moves for an annulment -she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
Click to expand...
Actually, you cannot marry her, because you are already married to someone else. Just because you signed some papers with your first wife saying that you are no longer married does not make that spiritually true. (A Catholic annulment would be in order, if it is even possible.) Also, I would avoid marrying someone who you do not love on principle. Best wishes in this situation. 🙂
 
JackieMom said:
Totally right-on. I think people who make babies out of wedlock should get married unless there is a very serious reason why the relationship could not be made to work. If there is a true determination to provide a stable, loving two-parent home, I see no reason why lack of passion or warm fuzzies should impede a marriage. Many people have cultivated a marriage on less. However, it does seem unlikely that you are both free to marry at this time. Straighten it out and do what is right for your child, whether that includes a marriage, or just your 100% devotion to and support of your son and his mother.
Click to expand...
See, I would be inclined to disagree with this, for a few reasons. First of all, my husband was in a similar situation. He met his first wife online, dated her online for a few months, came over to visit for 3 weeks, then got engaged to her and moved in with her 3 months later. Within 6 weeks they realized they didn’t have very much in common and really weren’t very compatible, so they planned to break the engagement. Then she found out she was pregnant. My husband, being a stand-up guy, decided that he needed to marry her so that the baby would be born in wedlock and also so he could stay in the country to be there for their child. The marriage, he later realized, was a mistake from the start and ended 4 years later when she walked out on him. (She kept resetting the bar for the “conditions” under which she would stay with him, and then she told him that as far as she was concerned, marriage was glorified common-law with ceremonial benefits, the vows she took were just symbolic and didn’t really mean anything, and she was free to walk away any time she wanted because SHE “wasn’t happy”.) Less than a year later, she was living with another man, and then about 6-7 months later was pregnant by HIM - and got engaged to him before she’d even divorced my husband. (Fortunately everything got straightened out; they divorced, the marriage was declared null by the Church, and my husband and I have been legally married for almost 2 years now, sacramentally married for almost 6 months.) I would not recommend that ANYONE get married simply because they’re having a baby together. You need to think about something very important: if something happens to the baby, or when that child grows up, what’s holding your marriage together? Even when that child goes to school and becomes more independent, what’s holding your marriage together? My husband’s divorce was really hard on my stepdaughter. We’re very lucky in that we have shared parenting with her mother so she is here half the time, and she and I get along very well. (She calls me “Mommy” and tells everybody she has two moms.) While I agree that all children need two parents, a better solution might be to have a shared parenting agreement, leaving both parties open to marry other people. This tends to be better if it happens when the child is very young, so that he/she will always have that sort of family - I realize it’s not the greatest, but I think it would be far less harmful to the child than the parents marrying, then getting divorced in a few years. Also, one thing I’ve been trying really hard to impress on my DD is that she was NOT the cause of her parents’ breakup - which can be a tough thing when she was the primary reason they got married in the first place, which they obviously shouldn’t have done.
 
Thank you-these responses have all been very helpful. I also appreciate the non-judgemental tone-obviously I already feel enormous turmoil over the scenario, plus a lot of fee about how my son would respond to not having both his parents with him.
We both feel honoured to have such a beautiful and loving child.
I see how though, that if I stay 100% involved, things could turn out ok.
I spoke to a friend of mine about it recently, and he said ‘God can make good out of evil’
I thank God for all the grace Has poured into this sinner’s life.
 
wahwah said:
Thank you-these responses have all been very helpful. I also appreciate the non-judgemental tone-obviously I already feel enormous turmoil over the scenario, plus a lot of fee about how my son would respond to not having both his parents with him.
We both feel honoured to have such a beautiful and loving child.
I see how though, that if I stay 100% involved, things could turn out ok.
I spoke to a friend of mine about it recently, and he said ‘God can make good out of evil’
I thank God for all the grace Has poured into this sinner’s life.
Click to expand...
Maybe you,d both benefit from catholic relationship counselling? You obviously loved her enough to live together and have a baby, maybe counselling can bring back that spark
 
Keep in mind that we are all sinners-- you don’t have that designation cornered! Some of us may have done worse-- and stupider – things than you – I know I have.
Love, as others have pointed out, is not an emotion, because that infatuation goes away within the first few months or at most years. Love is the desire for the best for another person. Maybe she would go through RCIA with you and find out what Catholicism teaches. If you are going to be involved for this child’s life, it might be helpful for her to know. Going through RCIA doesn’t mean she would have to join the church.
 
wahwah said:
Hi all
I need counsel.
I was married for 5 years to a woman previously. I had serious addictive problems with porn, and acted outside of the marriage as well. We separated, and all this came to the fore, making for a messy divorce. I belonged to sex addiction recovery groups throughout the period and sincerely did my best with prayer, sacramental confession, spiritual direction.
I took advice from the wrong people, and after being separated for a year, met a woman online. It was lust at first sight, and within a month she was pregnant. We both took this as a great blessing. At the same time, we rushed to buy a house and make an environment suitable to raise the baby in. He was born, is a supremely beautiful child, with a wonderful temperament. We both adore him. He is now nearly two.
In recent months though, I’ve seriously begun doubting if I want to marry his mom. I’ve sought counsel from three priests-all have said if I marry her solely for the sake of a child that that is grounds for an annulment.
I know I do not want to marry her, as I don’t really love her.
She is beginning to clue into this and has told me she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love her.
I understand that in Christianity, love is a decision. I pray and try my best.
Still, I feel there is something in me that makes me not fit for marriage, at least not yet,
But I love being a father and am great with my son.
Also, after my first date with her I had a very vivid and unusual dream of mother Mary appearing to me and adamantly telling me not to date her any more. I went against that and this is where I am today. Confused, and uncertain what to do next.
I would like to move to an apartment nearby and take care of the baby as much as I can.
She loves me and wants to marry. She is also divorced and has made no moves for an annulment -she is not a practicing Catholic, I am.
Click to expand...
You made a mistake. We all sin. That does not mean you have to marry the mother of your child. You will be living a lie (which is another sin) if you marry her and you do not love her. She can’t make you love her. This is the unfortunate repercussions of giving into lust. This child will have two parents that love him, regardless of you being married to the mother. Right now you have to be the best father you can be and FINANCIALLY support that child. Also, it seems that you need to straighten your life out. If you where married once before its obvious, in your situation, you are not sorted out yet. Let the Grace of God heal you. It will take a lot of work. For the sake of you and your baby, please abstain from sex until you find someone you are IN LOVE WITH AND MARRY THEM. Now-a -days pregnancy is not the worse thing that can happen to you.

In Prayer,
Jill
 
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