Should I Mention This?

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DoloresHeart

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Hello,

For some background to this post, I had posted some time back about my family and school difficulties: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=843032

So the spring semester has started, and things are going well academically. I truly believe that I can 4.0 every class I’m taking right now and am feeling a bit brighter about my outlook, although I’m still concerned about my past, but I try to not worry about it and just keep up with what I’ve got on my plate right now. Of course, right now my family situation, especially with my mother, is still very tough.

Now, I have a mentor who is also my boss, one of the faculty members of my major’s department, whom I’m actually pretty close to. Even though I’m his student, we both consider each other as friends (of course, in a somewhat different way than peers would be), and I’ve done a lot with his family, just hanging out and things like that. He’s like a dad to me, and we’ve talked about a lot of things regarding life in general.

I’ve never mentioned anything to him though about my family troubles, and nothing about my academic difficulties. I’ve alluded that my mother can be difficult at times, but that was all. I kind of feel like confiding this to him- his personality is very much like mine and I think just having someone to talk to about it, someone I truly trust, would help so much. He’s been a big source of encouragement to me.

I’m a bit wary of doing this because I’ve never told anybody about this before, and I’m afraid that doing this would somehow put a burden on him that he doesn’t need, make him feel obligated to do more than he is (I don’t know what this even means, just a fear I have), etc. I guess also there’s the professional issue of bring up personal problems…even if they do directly have to do with academics.

Any thoughts as to whether this would be okay or a good idea to do? If it’s okay, any ideas as to how I could bring it up? Thanks for any help.
 
Sure you can. Start by saying, “I respect your opinion, admire your way of dealing with things, and I have something I’d like to talk to you about. I’m not looking for you to step in and do anything, but thought you might have things to say in the way of advice or guidance.” And then tell him about those things you think he might have some insight about. I have known many research directors, and I don’t know any who wouldn’t be willing to lend an ear to someone they care about as much as your boss cares about you. He’s still your boss, but he seems to also see himself as a mentor more than a boss. (The research director who treats his or her group as a second family is not a rarity. They often see them as academic children, so to speak.)

It is unprofessional to use personal problems as an excuse, it is unprofessional to share TMI indiscriminately with everyone you work with, but it is not unprofessional to divulge personal problems to a mentor. Your mentor, in fact, can be a good guide when it comes to deciding how to rise above your personal problems in your professional life and how to do damage control when rising above is more than you can manage.

Trust your instincts, however, about whether he is the person to share things with. For instance, ask yourself if he ever shares gossip with you about other people in the department that you would not want shared if you were that person. (IOW, don’t feel flattered by it if he has fed you some “juicy details”; consider this a reason to keep your own secrets safe from them. Discretion is just not everyone’s long suit, and that includes some people that are very nice in other respects.) Ask yourself if you are comfortable raising the problems, having him deal with it fairly incompetently, not taking it personally that he isn’t good at this kind of thing, and going elsewhere for support. Some mentors are good with this kind of thing, and some aren’t. If this mentor isn’t the right person, consider going to the Newman Center or the parish to which college students at your school are assigned, and see if you can arrange confidential spiritual direction. I’m thinking the mentor is the one to talk o about how to navigate academic problems, though. It is hardly possible that you’ll be the first outstanding and likeable student he has had who also has a difficult background to cope with, trust me on that.
 
DoloresHeart said:
Hello,

For some background to this post, I had posted some time back about my family and school difficulties: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=843032

So the spring semester has started, and things are going well academically. I truly believe that I can 4.0 every class I’m taking right now and am feeling a bit brighter about my outlook, although I’m still concerned about my past, but I try to not worry about it and just keep up with what I’ve got on my plate right now. Of course, right now my family situation, especially with my mother, is still very tough.

Now, I have a mentor who is also my boss, one of the faculty members of my major’s department, whom I’m actually pretty close to. Even though I’m his student, we both consider each other as friends (of course, in a somewhat different way than peers would be), and I’ve done a lot with his family, just hanging out and things like that. He’s like a dad to me, and we’ve talked about a lot of things regarding life in general.

I’ve never mentioned anything to him though about my family troubles, and nothing about my academic difficulties. I’ve alluded that my mother can be difficult at times, but that was all. I kind of feel like confiding this to him- his personality is very much like mine and I think just having someone to talk to about it, someone I truly trust, would help so much. He’s been a big source of encouragement to me.

I’m a bit wary of doing this because I’ve never told anybody about this before, and I’m afraid that doing this would somehow put a burden on him that he doesn’t need, make him feel obligated to do more than he is (I don’t know what this even means, just a fear I have), etc. I guess also there’s the professional issue of bring up personal problems…even if they do directly have to do with academics.

Any thoughts as to whether this would be okay or a good idea to do? If it’s okay, any ideas as to how I could bring it up? Thanks for any help.
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What you need is counseling more than your adviser acting as a confidant. I’m in academia and for some of the personal problems I used to have I talked to most everyone EXCEPT a trained counselor, which is what I needed to do in the first place.

A good adviser will refer his students and employees to the university counseling services in these situations. Sometimes, faculty and staff are not comfortable dealing with personal problems.

The focus of adviser relationships in academia needs to be fundamentally professional, and if you have things that are interfering with academics, the university counseling should be able to help.
 
I have a lot of issues that I bring up with my therapist, that I wouldn’t ever bring up with my boss, because of the potential of making a comfortable relationship, become awkward… That’s not entirely accurate… I wouldn’t do that ~again~, myself, because I’ve tried that, and things became awkward >.<

But it depends on the friendship. A lot of things I never ~used~ to be able to talk about with certain friends and family, I am now Able to, but it’s also a matter of degree and detail. I don’t have to tell people every last detail, for them to have some idea of what I’ve survived. There is a time and place for that, in any relationship that’s going to last awhile, but I try to take things a lot slower these days. Too much spilled out so fast, at one point in my life, that I think it kinda pushed people away from me, while I was on the way to having a breakdown, but my issues can get pretty severe at times, so maybe that’s not a concern for you =)
 
I would be *extremely *cautious about doing this to any great extent for several reasons, one of which is that you need comprehensive counseling to get you on your feet and possibly to work through other issues, and this is not the sort of thing one can expect from a friend, because the function of friends is different.

A friend is someone who will be supportive, bit it is stressful to a friendship to have to put pressure on one of the two friends, but pressure is what we all sometimes need.

I would suggest going to the counseling center in your school for help with some of what’s going on in your life. I think they will be able to help you sort out how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

This man is your friend–he shares parts of his life with you and gives you a lot in this sharing. This is great, because in addition to counseling, you *also *need a friend.
 
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