Should I?...or Shouldnt I?

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IBelongToMe22

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Here is my situation:

I’m getting married October 26, 2008 in a white Catholic Church in Nova Scotia, Halifax.

We’ve started to make our guest list and I cant decide If I want to invite my best friend…

She’s one of the nicest people I’ve met in the West Coast since we’ve been out here, but she has the mental state of a 12-14 year old. Literally, she has a medical condition that didnt allow her brain to mature properly. She is 21 now.

I know I’m a horrible person for thinking that I shouldnt invite her…

If I dont invite her she’ll never speak to me again, i’m guessing, and I dont want that.

If I do invite her I’ll have to babysit her all night, and I really…really dont want to babysit her on my wedding day.

I’m not sure what to do…

Thankyou

Jessica
 
How would she function/attend/participate in any other similar event? Wouldn’t a guardian or other adult take her as a chaperone?

How about inviting her “and guest” so that this other person of her choice would be there with her?
 
Thank you StephanieC for your quick reply!

I was thinking of inviting her ‘and guest’ like you suggested, that’s a great idea…and I thank you for it.

If I invite her ‘and guest’ wouldnt I have to ‘and guest’ every other person we invite? We wanted a small personal Catholic wedding…no big, fancy, elaborate thing. Big and fancy isnt important to either of us…

And if I ‘and guest’ her and she brings her mother, does that mean I have to invite her father and her sister as well? I dont want to offend them either…

And then there’s the …she doesnt know any of the other people we’re inviting…most of them we’re flying out to NS.

Am I a horrible person for thinking this?

Thanks

Jessica
 
Go ahead and invite her “and guest.” Guests aren’t supposed to be comparing invitations, anyway, and even if they did, her situation is different. Her parents will understand and you can always mention that you want it to be a very small wedding.

As it will be a small wedding, don’t worry about her not knowing anyone. Instead, you might tell some of your friends that you can’t wait for them to meet your best friend. And then at the reception if they still haven’t taken the hint, you can go around and introduce people. (Or introduce people to each other as they come to you.)

And I think it’s wonderful that you want to include her…🙂

Congratulations,

kevinsgirl
 
Yes, please include her and a guest. No one expects the bride to be babysitting on her wedding day. Her mother will be happy she was included. Make sure you give her a very special corsage or wrist arrangement and sit her up front. She’ll never forget it. And get a special picture made with the two of you. She will treasure it too. Have a lovely wedding!
 
IBelongToMe22 said:
Thank you StephanieC for your quick reply!

I was thinking of inviting her ‘and guest’ like you suggested, that’s a great idea…and I thank you for it.

If I invite her ‘and guest’ wouldnt I have to ‘and guest’ every other person we invite?Why? Why would anyone else know who got to bring a guest and why? We wanted a small personal Catholic wedding…no big, fancy, elaborate thing. Big and fancy isnt important to either of us…

And if I ‘and guest’ her and she brings her mother, does that mean I have to invite her father and her sister as well?** No; and I’m sure they’d be thrilled to help their daughter get dressed up and escorted to your wedding.** I dont want to offend them either…**Either you want them all their or you don’t; either they’ll be offended or they won’t. **

And then there’s the …she doesnt know any of the other people we’re inviting…most of them we’re flying out to NS. I’ve been to a few weddings where I knew not a soul…you get through it for the sake of the couple. At least she’ll have a guest for company!

Am I a horrible person for thinking this?**Only you can answer this! But to me, from what you’ve posted, you just sound like an ordinary worried, stressed, detail-oriented bride-to-be. Like I was a mere…4(yikes!) years ago…
I like Liberanosamalo’s idea of a special corsage & picture, etc. Very classy.
**
Click to expand...
 
WOW, it would probably make her year, fill her with pride and love, and mean the world to HER to be part of YOUR big day…and I too wouldn’t speak to you if you didn’t invite me after all those years. I would know WHY (that you are embarrassed of me, fourteen year olds get that) and I would be so hurt and heart-broken. It’s not HER FAULT she didn’t grow past fourteen…man my heart just breaks for her, everyone else in her life get’s to grow up, become adults, live normal lives and here she’s stuck in some awful time warp. Poor girl.

What makes you think you have to babysit? Most fourteen year olds I know want nothing to do with adults. My guess is she’ll want to hang out with other youngsters present. Or take care of the little one’s. Dollars to donuts she spends most of her time carousing with little one’s rather than being a pain in your side.

And can I point out this a catholic wedding with mostly catholic guests? (right??) Is there a problem with letting your family know ahead of time that you might need help entertaining her, and to run interference if she seems a bit clueless about time-hogging. You can also hang out with her shortly before your wedding and tell her that you can’t wait for her to watch you be married. Take her shopping with you for particulars/favors/shoes/last mintue wedding stuff. While out gently explain “you know “Lisa” (what ever her name might be) while at the wedding hun, I am going to be super busy as the bride and trying to get a lot of things done, so I won’t be able to hang out with you as we usually do, but how about this? Will you be able to go to lunch with me when we get back from our honeymoon? Just you and me? We’ll spend a great day together, maybe even get pedicures!” So you set the precidence. She’ll know how to behave, and she’ll have your date to look forward to. If there are caring and loving people in yoru family, all of whom I assume know her, they’ll help make her day at your wedding by acknowledging her and thanking her for coming, let her know how special she is to YOU. Make sure you get a picture with her too!

And yes, invite her and a guest. Surely she has a guardian with this mental state.

God Bless.
 
KCtheMommy: I didn’t come here for advice to end up defending myself…it’s a question…you dont have to chew my head off. She’s NOT 14, she’s 21 legally.

ALL of the guests are Catholic…actually, except her and her mother…well, i’m not to sure about her mother but she told me long ago she doesnt attend Church because she doesn’t believe in God.

I’m NOT embarassed of her, i love her dearly but like I said I dont want to babysit her…I dont want to have to worry if she’s upset with me for not spending a lot of time with her, or if she’s upset about something, or if she thinks I should have done something differently.

There will be no children at our wedding, none of our friends have children yet, and everyone else is legally an adult.

If there are caring and loving people in my family?? Are you kidding me…like, seriously! i’m a bit offended…of course there’s caring and loving people in my family! Granted I cant say much for the caring and loving between my parents who are now divorced…but thats different.

However, that is something that never crossed my mind, so thankyou for the idea to have a day for just her and myself, pedicures i think she would like…possibly…

And again…she is important to me. I just didnt know what to do, hense the asking for adivce part.

Jessica
 
Oh wow,

OK why are you defending yourself? I didn’t attack. I told you how I would feel, and how I see it.

BUT the TRUTH of the matter is you came here looking for justification in a very WRONG situation. The wrong situation being propogated by your want to have the “perfect wedding” and that inculdes any blemishes in your life being erased for the DAY. Sure you can do that, but life goes on and you are going to hurt a very vulnerable girl in a way she doesn’t deserve. IMAGINE what it would feel like to be excluded because…nevermind…

A marriage is a heck of a lot more than just the day you make your vows. My goodness girlfriend, think of the REAL impression you’ll make on your future in-laws by showing your compassion and love for those less fortunate.

I am NOT attacking you or trying to make you “defend yourself” I am trying to talk some darn sense into you. Heck if you ASKED it – it’s obviously playing your heart and soul. You can lash out at me all you want. I can tell you I was once the bride-zilla myself, and learned in the hardest way what it feels to hurt people you love because they don’t fit into a color-flower-perfect-picture-scheme.

I won’t justify what you are doing by saying it’s OK to not invite her. You can turn it around and blame me all you want. Yes, I am STILL married ten years later, and I can tell you to this day that my wedding day had it’s points, but there is SO MUCH MORE than just that day. Betraying a true friend or hurting a vulnerable soul – it’s NOT worth it! There is NO PERFECT DAY. Weddings especially excluded. Just try and get through it and make it about YOU, your love, and the people YOU love.

Everyone else can just eat the free-food, drink the free drinks, and go home happy they got to do a few spins on the dance floor. But your “best friend” – it’ll obviously mean more to her than anything.

And yes I KNOW she’s 21 – you said that. You also explained her mentality. I explained my version of how things will probably go in a hope to boost your confidence – NOT to attack you.

On that I am out.
 
Perhaps you could just explain to her ahead of time that you will be very busy on the day of the wedding and won’t be able to spend very much time with any one individual person. If her mental functioning is like that of a 12 - 14 year old, that should not be too difficult for her to understand. I have always found with my kids, even when they were toddlers, that if I took the time to explain what a situation would be like and what my expactations for their behavior were, that we were far less likely to encounter any problems. So, maybe you can explain to her exactly what your plans for the wedding ceremony and reception are, and also let her know that just because you will be unable to spend much time with her does not mean that you would not like to.

I am sure that since you consider her to be your best friend that she must have some ability to understand and to behave in a reasonably appropriate manner.
 
I think a ‘girls’ day out’ before the wedding and an invite for your friend ‘and a guest’ would do the trick.

I hope the wedding plans come together smoothly!🙂
 
Call her mother and ask for her opinion - her mom knows both of you, and will be able to help from the perspective of love for you both.
 
*white Catholic Church *

Is the church itself the color white or are the people who all go there white and your friend is black? I know it doesn’t have anything to do with your question, I’m just curious.
 
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