Should I pursue this relationship?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Bostonguy
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

Bostonguy

Guest
Hi there,
I’m new to these forums so I’m not sure If this is where to post this but here goes anyhow…
I am looking for some unbiased , honest opinions. Here is the situation, I am a 31 year old practicing Catholic Man. I have always been very picky about the women whom I date. I have only been in a few relationships none of which lasted more then 6 months. The problem has always been that from the begining of each relationship my intrest was never really there and the little interest that I initially had would fade rather fast. I know what I want in a potential spouse and I don’t want to stray from that. I think I may have finnally found a girl with whom I can picture spending the rest of my life with. We have only seen each other twice but we have spoken on the phone almost everyday since the week of Thanksgiving when we met. I have never felt this strongly about any woman I have ever met. She is stunning. And she has this smile that I can’t forget.
We met at a bookstore in NYC. She couldn’t reach the book on the high shelf and I offered to get it for her, I had read that one, it was a good one. yadda yadda yadda… We sat down at the bookstore cafe for coffee and talked for a good hour about religion, politics, and just stuff.
Here is where the advise I need comes in…
I currently reside in NYC for work, but I am form the Boston area and would like to eventually return there. (NYC to Boston/3 hour drive) This girl is actually from a suburb of NYC , 1 hour from NYC and 4 hours from Boston. But, and here is the real issue, She is barely legal. She is 19 a college sophmore and goes to school in upstate NY (like 6 hours from NYC).
So in a nut shell, 12 years younger then me, and geographically inconvienient. She is home for winter break, I just spoke with her a little while ago, she has agreed to meet up for a date tommorow. Everything about her tells me to pursue this but my logical side is telling me I’m nuts. Am I just fooling myself into believing this could actually work? But again, I have NEVER felt like this about any woman before.
 
Well…there is nothing really wrong with the age gap, it’s not common…but there have been quite a few marriages like that, especially now. She is 19, so it’s not that bad, but then again in terms of mental maturity you might be a few years ahead of her, so even though you maybe ready, she may not be, she will change in a few years for sure, so please don’t put too much hope so soon.

I’m only saying this because recently I just went head-over heels for a girl without testing the waters and it really broke my heart when things got ruined, we know it’s common sense to be careful, but it’s difficult. It seems you are more worried about the age aspect, it’s not immoral if that’s what you are asking, but just be weary she may not be the same person in a few years, but hey you got to face rejection at some point, just take it slow, that’s they KEY thing, take it slow, I think she’ll appreciate that too, you are a mature guy, show her that.

Give her space too, she may give you a cold shoulder from time to time to see how you react, be careful before taking the bait. Don’t be too quick to tell her your feelings, and don’t you think it’s advisable not to talk on the phone everyday? Here’s what Jason Evert has to say, and this guy knows his stuff:

chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=53
 
Boston,

My parents differed in age by 16 years. He was 39 and she was 23 when they married. They had a long, happy marriage. The difference in your ages may not be a deterrent, but not to worry now.

You might want to remember this is just a first date. If it were me, I wouldn’t worry about the future at all. IMHO just go have a light-hearted good time, nothing more. After that, see what happens. Good luck.
 
My middle son has never been so happy as since he married a woman several years older, and one of my sisters began a wonderful second life in marrying a man 10 years younger.

We don’t have absolute guarantees regarding any marriage relationship. It’s always a leap of faith.

But these two who married because they were delighted in each other are happier than they ever were in their lives. My sister has been married nearly 20 years to her younger husband and both don’t appear to have a single regret.
 
Bostonguy said:
Hi there,
I’m new to these forums so I’m not sure If this is where to post this but here goes anyhow…
I am looking for some unbiased , honest opinions. Here is the situation, I am a 31 year old practicing Catholic Man. I have always been very picky about the women whom I date. I have only been in a few relationships none of which lasted more then 6 months. The problem has always been that from the begining of each relationship my intrest was never really there and the little interest that I initially had would fade rather fast. I know what I want in a potential spouse and I don’t want to stray from that. I think I may have finnally found a girl with whom I can picture spending the rest of my life with. We have only seen each other twice but we have spoken on the phone almost everyday since the week of Thanksgiving when we met. I have never felt this strongly about any woman I have ever met. She is stunning. And she has this smile that I can’t forget.
We met at a bookstore in NYC. She couldn’t reach the book on the high shelf and I offered to get it for her, I had read that one, it was a good one. yadda yadda yadda… We sat down at the bookstore cafe for coffee and talked for a good hour about religion, politics, and just stuff.
Here is where the advise I need comes in…
I currently reside in NYC for work, but I am form the Boston area and would like to eventually return there. (NYC to Boston/3 hour drive) This girl is actually from a suburb of NYC , 1 hour from NYC and 4 hours from Boston. But, and here is the real issue, She is barely legal. She is 19 a college sophmore and goes to school in upstate NY (like 6 hours from NYC).
So in a nut shell, 12 years younger then me, and geographically inconvienient. She is home for winter break, I just spoke with her a little while ago, she has agreed to meet up for a date tommorow. Everything about her tells me to pursue this but my logical side is telling me I’m nuts. Am I just fooling myself into believing this could actually work? But again, I have NEVER felt like this about any woman before.
Click to expand...
If she was my daughter or sister… I would be wondering what you are doing trying to impress a teenager.
I dont see the fair in that… I mean from her perspctive. I know how much I have developed since I was 19 and how much more may happen to me before I turn 31 (I am 26). Its a lifetime of experience and hardgained knowlege… when i was 19… gosh at that time I knew nothing… but thought I did of course.
I dont know…
Its not unlikely for older men to find teenage girls attractive in their appearance and she probably is stunning as you say… but is she spiritually and psychologically mature to the level that you are? I doubt that… much maturity comes only with living and at her age you only start to come out of the cave of childhood naivete.
How is her self esteem? does she find her self attractive or is she craving for male attention and to be cared for?
Does she have many friends her own age, also among other Christians or is she lonely?
Every young woman longs to be loved… sometimes desperately. I speak from experience… I have never been in a healthy lasting relationship with a seriously compatible and complimentary Christian man but I have been prone to accept love for a while because it soothed my existential loneliness while waiting for the man who I really wished to be with in my deepest secret longings… while doubting he exists and I still doubt.
Sometimes a woman will choose the man who first presents himself to her… this may happen for a number of reasons.
Now you both could be very mature and complimenting each other in every way. 12 years is a bearable gap… I just would be more calm if she had been 25 and you had been 12 years older. Would she then have been equally attractive in your eyes?

Not to answer…
only these are my concerns. I hope you think of her life and possibilities and readily see the motives for going ahead with this relationship in both her and your self.

If all is as it should be and my concern is unfounded then I congratulate you both on the precious pearl of love that you have found. You are then blessed.

Grace:)
 
Are you sure you don’t care for her because she’s “safe”? It is less likely that you will be hurt by someone who’s out of reach. So, proceed with caution.
 
These are the kind of honest answers I’m talking about. You all seem to share my major concerns. The distance thing is a pro and a con, if she is not nearby the temptation for certain things will be lessed , that is a good thing. But also, many of you mentioned the world of difference between a 19 yr old and a 31 year old. You are all right on that point and it really concerns me. But at the same time, In talking to this girl, she has such a ray of sunshine around her. She is not Jaded the way other girls (closer to my age are). She has told me she has had a couple of boyfriends but none that she really connected with and then drops the subject. Some girls I’ve met go on and on about how they can’t stand theri x’s and what they didn’t like about them and that is such a turnoff. Like I said, she is so completely not Jaded,not broken like the other girls I’ve met.
But again, this sunshine and innocence may be because she is only 19. I don’t know, I am nervous about being viewd as some pervert looking to rob the craddle. (This is not my intention but I can’t seem to get past it). Am I wrong for feeling this way???
 
Oh and by the way she is a mets fan, so no real baseball conflict there!!!
 
Well being nervous about this is obviously natural given the many things that have to be considered, also just make it look like you aren’t just giving in and going completely for her. You do after all want to know if she is indeed compatible right?

I know it’s difficult dude with all the feelings to make those judgements, but hey, enjoyyy each other’s company and pray daily to God about it, pray for her too 🙂
 
Do you already have a mental time frame for yourself about marriage in your head??? By this I mean, as a 31yr old adult, are you looking to find someone that wants a long courtship and then marriage or are you in a “hurry” to get married?
Do you want kids right away?, if you pursue this girl and fall in love are you prepared to wait for her to finish college (a few more years), and then allow for her to have a career before starting a family if she so desires??? Or a you one of those guys who figures once your married she must follow your time frame anyhow??? Only you know this about yourself.
 
Don’t worry about the age thing. I always dated men who were older than me. I went off to college when I was seventeen and dated a guy who was twenty-seven years old. I really liked him, but he had a problem with the age thing. I graduated from a 4 year college when I was 20. It’s not the age thing you need to worry about. The thing to worry about is whether you hold many of the same viewpoints and values. You also need to have things that you enjoy doing together. Other than that, I wouldn’t worry too much about the other stuff. If it’s meant to be, you’ll work out the details.
 
You do not yet have enough information to make a decision. Go on the date as a fact-finding mission.
 
Hi Bostonguy, aside from your concerns, there is something I don’t quite understand. How can you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl that you’ve only met once? How much do you really know about her? From what you’ve said, you’re really impressed by the way she looks. I’m sure a 19-year-old probably looks mighty fine to a 31-year-old, but you need to make sure that this is not fleeting infatuation, since this is what you said happened to you in the past. I’m not going to comment on the age gap, because that’s another topic for another day. But as some of the other posters commented, you guys are at very different stages in life. She’s still in college, with the rest of her life in front of her; if she were my sister, I would be very, very wary of a much older guy professing his love for her after just one date. Quite frankly, I’d think you’re a psycho - sorry for the bluntness. So my advice to you is to take it slow and make sure that you are indeed what each other wants.

Peace.
 
Some Catholic Guy,
I am not yet professing my love for her, I have just mentioned that since I met her I have never felt this attracted to someone , both mentally and physically. I know it sounds crazy but since we met with have spoken (or emailed each other )almost everyday.
I am not some psyco or crazy pervert, but your comments are exactly what a lot of people may think about if I pursue this relationship. Again a major concern of mine.My other relationships fell flat because I never had the intrest to begin with. Not because I take interest and lose it quickly.
 
SomeCatholicGuy said:
Hi Bostonguy, aside from your concerns, there is something I don’t quite understand. How can you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl that you’ve only met once? How much do you really know about her? From what you’ve said, you’re really impressed by the way she looks. I’m sure a 19-year-old probably looks mighty fine to a 31-year-old, but you need to make sure that this is not fleeting infatuation, since this is what you said happened to you in the past. I’m not going to comment on the age gap, because that’s another topic for another day. But as some of the other posters commented, you guys are at very different stages in life. She’s still in college, with the rest of her life in front of her; if she were my sister, I would be very, very wary of a much older guy professing his love for her after just one date. Quite frankly, I’d think you’re a psycho - sorry for the bluntness. So my advice to you is to take it slow and make sure that you are indeed what each other wants.

Peace.
Click to expand...
Well you never know you know, I mean there are things as “love at first sight?” I mean my grandparents met in a BAR, no less, lol, sorry my grandma was a party animal, he was a naval officer in the country they were from, and he was down on vacation or something, and they met, she ordered some hard core liquor and he was amazed about a delicate little woman, she was like 5’4" and 100 lbs, and he was like 5’11" big man, you know…And he couldn’t believe how a tiny little thing like her could take such a manly drink!! LOL…SO 3 months later they were married and would still be married if he wouldn’t have been murdered. They were together since she was 17 years old, and he was well in his late 20’s when they were married… HE passed away when she was 50?? And she’s now 83 years old, never remarried… And she was still young enough to remake her life and have a great marriage but she told me straight out that since the day they met, she knew that was her soul mate and that she had no other space for any other man in her life… She’s dedicated to GOD and her hubby’s memory and she’s living her life as happily as she can, she has no regrets…

SO you never know???
 
Dear Boston,

I wouldn’t take Some’s remarks to heart. He had a thread awhile back where he was venting about older guys, getting all the younger girls. He was having trouble finding a nice decent young woman to date.😉 It does sound like this age difference really bothers you personally. If it does, maybe should back off from it.
 
Well Bostonguy, let me tell you that my age difference between my db and I bothered me big time, especially since my family was pretty negative about our relationship to begin with… So they didn’t help much…

I think you should just give it a try… I mean if you feel like this in a few months then continue if not then just let it go…
 
Bostonguy said:
Some Catholic Guy,
I am not yet professing my love for her, I have just mentioned that since I met her I have never felt this attracted to someone , both mentally and physically. I know it sounds crazy but since we met with have spoken (or emailed each other )almost everyday.
I am not some psyco or crazy pervert, but your comments are exactly what a lot of people may think about if I pursue this relationship. Again a major concern of mine.My other relationships fell flat because I never had the intrest to begin with. Not because I take interest and lose it quickly.
Click to expand...
I can understand your concerns, because there’re valid reasons behind those concerns. Personally, I’m more concerned that you’re already calling this a “relationship” when you’ve met her only once.
iluvmybabies said:
Well you never know you know, I mean there are things as “love at first sight?” I mean my grandparents met in a BAR, no less, lol, sorry my grandma was a party animal, he was a naval officer in the country they were from, and he was down on vacation or something, and they met, she ordered some hard core liquor and he was amazed about a delicate little woman, she was like 5’4" and 100 lbs, and he was like 5’11" big man, you know…And he couldn’t believe how a tiny little thing like her could take such a manly drink!! LOL…SO 3 months later they were married and would still be married if he wouldn’t have been murdered. They were together since she was 17 years old, and he was well in his late 20’s when they were married… HE passed away when she was 50?? And she’s now 83 years old, never remarried… And she was still young enough to remake her life and have a great marriage but she told me straight out that since the day they met, she knew that was her soul mate and that she had no other space for any other man in her life… She’s dedicated to GOD and her hubby’s memory and she’s living her life as happily as she can, she has no regrets…

SO you never know???
Click to expand...
Love at first sight is for the movies, in my humble opinion. I won’t say anything about your grandparents, except that today that relationship would’ve been illegal in most states - if it had been consummated - because your grandmother was underage. I will say, however, that my grandparents were also very much apart in age, but that was a long time ago, and times have changed. But as I’ve said in my first reply, this is another topic for another day.
Galnextdoor said:
Dear Boston,

I wouldn’t take Some’s remarks to heart. He had a thread awhile back where he was venting about older guys, getting all the younger girls. He was having trouble finding a nice decent young woman to date.😉 It does sound like this age difference really bothers you personally. If it does, maybe should back off from it.
Click to expand...
No, I was not venting, because older guys don’t stand a chance against me. I do just fine with the ladies, but thank you for your concern. Seriously though, like I said before, I chose not to talk about age difference, precisely because I was afraid a post like this was going to pop up.

But since this has been brought up, I will take my leave. Bostonguy, I wish you the best of luck, and let God’s will be done.
 
SomeCatholicGuy said:
I can understand your concerns, because there’re valid reasons behind those concerns. Personally, I’m more concerned that you’re already calling this a “relationship” when you’ve met her only once.

Love at first sight is for the movies, in my humble opinion. I won’t say anything about your grandparents, except that today that relationship would’ve been illegal in most states - if it had been consummated - because your grandmother was underage. I will say, however, that my grandparents were also very much apart in age, but that was a long time ago, and times have changed. But as I’ve said in my first reply, this is another topic for another day.

Seriously, have you thought of how many people have gotten married because of love at first sight? I know of several and yes my grandparents did too… Perhaps she was “illegal” in age but back then girls were getting married way before they were even 15 and having kids since then… So I mean I don’t think that was bad for them…she was 17 and back then women had responsibilities all ready… she had all ready graduated from hs and was in college, my grandmother was a college professor by the time she was 21… Not only that but several of my aunts and uncles got married wayyyy before they were 18 and they are still married, and have been having their own homes since then as well…

I mean perhaps because of this day in age it’s hard to believe in love at first sight but I mean it doesn’t mean it can’t happen… And like I said that if he still feels the same way about her after a few months of dating then good for him if not then he might know to let her go…

I was 17 and dated a 35 year old once, if it wouldn’t have been because of his “special” connection with his exwife I would have been dating him for long term, instead he made me feel as if he still had something with her and that didn’t last 3 months… Even though I was young and naive, I still knew what I wanted and I was pretty capable of reading between the lines… Maybe this 19 year old girl is mature and knows what she wants???

No, I was not venting, because older guys don’t stand a chance against me. I do just fine with the ladies, but thank you for your concern. Seriously though, like I said before, I chose not to talk about age difference, precisely because I was afraid a post like this was going to pop up.

But since this has been brought up, I will take my leave. Bostonguy, I wish you the best of luck, and let God’s will be done.
Click to expand...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top