Should I rethink my friendship?

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SeanF1989

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We have been friends for over a year, he started the friendship with me but I think there are some problems.

There will be no contact unless I instigate contact either text, email or talking in person.

I always plan the hangouts and am always the one to make the suggestion and when we do hangout it is very brief and he always seems to be in a rush to get home.

Will make time for other friends but tell me he never plans anything and everything he does is spontaneous and when I am spontaneous he tells me he is busy.

I hope I am not overreacting, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I can’t help feel a bit pushed aside.

I have minor social anxiety and it is hard for me to make friends so without this friendship I will have no one else. (I am not overreacting here)

What should I do?
 
SeanF1989 said:
We have been friends for over a year, he started the friendship with me but I think there are some problems.

There will be no contact unless I instigate contact either text, email or talking in person.

I always plan the hangouts and am always the one to make the suggestion and when we do hangout it is very brief and he always seems to be in a rush to get home.

Will make time for other friends but tell me he never plans anything and everything he does is spontaneous and when I am spontaneous he tells me he is busy.

I hope I am not overreacting, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I can’t help feel a bit pushed aside.

I have minor social anxiety and it is hard for me to make friends so without this friendship I will have no one else. (I am not overreacting here)

What should I do?
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Hi Sean,

I agree with Cruciferi in that I would let the friendship go.

I know that this may seem painful, but this is what I would do if I were in your situation. It seems like it is one-sided on your end, and that you are putting all of the effort into this friendship.

Trust your instincts.

You are already feeling pushed aside, and when you get together with him, the meeting feels “rushed.” To me, that doesn’t sound good. 😦

I think that a friendship should be mutual, and should work both ways in that both friends should be interested in each other. They should both put effort into the friendship.

To me, it may not always be equal effort due to whatever is going on each person’s life, but to me, there should also be some type of effort put into by each person, to at least show that each one cares about each other and the relationship.

By that I mean, call/text each other in order to get together, or e-mail or whatever way it is that each other decides to communicate with each other, to stay in contact with each other.

I don’t think that the effort to keep in touch should all be on just one person.
 
Cruciferi said:
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oldgraymare2:
I don’t think that the effort to keep in touch should all be on just one person.
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So true! Believe me, I’ve been there. It’s incredibly frustrating 😠
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You’re not the only one…

I’ve been there too, and that is “why” I felt that it was important enough to say that.

I think that both people should feel valued in the relationship, and if only one person is “doing the work in it,” so to speak, then after awhile, if you’re that person who’s carrying all of the weight of it by keeping in touch, making contact, and so on, you’re only human and you’re going to start questioning “why” you’re the only one who writes or calls or who bothers to keep in touch.

When you keep the friendship going, you may get repeated responses like, “Ohh, I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you, but I’ve been so busy.”

I don’t mean to sound unkind or harsh or unfeeling, but when I hear this kind of a response, I tend to think that it can minimize the other person’s life or feelings, who’s on the receiving end of this response.

To me, isn’t everyone busy, with something, if you think about it?! 🤔
 
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SeanF1989 said:
Will make time for other friends but tell me he never plans anything and everything he does is spontaneous and when I am spontaneous he tells me he is busy.
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Does he work?
I knew this from people who are students who don´t know that free time for working people is something worthy.
 
Dealing with something similar myself - if they don’t meet you half way it’s not a real friendship anyway. You will eventually meet others that are on your wavelength and who want to hang out with you xx
 
Do you have other friends?
If not, make some.
I would let this one drop. It’s not working out.
Especially because you’ve only known him a year, and he was always this way.

That being said, I’ve been in the situation where a long term friend, who used to pull her weight in the friendship, suddenly stopped. Stopped reaching out to me, would break plans at the last moment, etc. this went on for two years.
I had other friends, and was concentrating on them.
Then out of the blue she reached out to me, we got together, and she revealed that she was having marital problems, her child had gone into therapy, there were severe money problems and she was too embarrassed to tell.

But this doesn’t sound like your case.
 
I would rather be alone than have to chase after a friend all the time. If it isn’t a reciprocal friendship, it is not worth keeping.
 
No he doesn’t work, I do. He is a student home from university for the summer.
 
I just stopped calling or texting. He never responded anyways. So I just said Adios!
 
and that was the end of it? Did you eventually make other friends?
 
Kinda not really :man_shrugging:t2: I work now so I don’t have much time for socializing. Maybe an occasional drink at the pub but that’s it.
 
Once you broke contact was that the last you ever heard from your friend?
 
He broke contact. I just stopped attempting to reach out. Haven’t heard from him in 2 years.
 
Cruciferi said:
He broke contact. I just stopped attempting to reach out. Haven’t heard from him in 2 years.
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I’ve had this happen to me.

I would be the one who had invested more time and energy into the friendship, and then once I stopped doing that, I wouldn’t hear back from the other person anymore. Everything had stopped. No more contact from them.
 
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