Should I save the marriage after his affair?

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Hello again everyone,

I have to apologize for not responding to the posts for a while. To tell you the truth I was not in a good place at the moment and it was a bit overwhelming to read all the responses, not knowing what to think.

After my post, things were not doing to well and my PTSD got worse. So the only thing I could do was to handle that first. My kids deserve better so I realized with the help of my parents that I do need to take care of me first to be able to see things a bit more clear.

To answer some questions posted, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage as it is taught and stated in the bible and by Jesus. We married and never lived together until marriage at our Catholic Parish back in our country. When I married, I had full purpose if fulfilling marriage as stated in the bible and that day my commitment was not only to my husband but also and especially to God who united us. I think that for this very reason I have a bit of a hard time accepting the affair. I went into the marriage believing that my husband thought and believed the same thing I did. And I found out that it wasn’t like that. He was just following my steps.

My husband comes from a very poor religious background and he is also a scientist. So he believed that there was and I quote “something out there, but he could not believe in God like I did”. I feel guilt for letting that one “slide under the rug” and think “he will believe one day…is a good guy”.

We would always go to mass, and I was somewhat involved in church. I would try just to involve myself because “church” topics made him uncomfortable. The problem was that when the time came and “the devil” enter our doors, he never felt guilty because I didn’t know, and God didn’t really exist so “nobody” knew.

So I have A LOT of regrets and Guilt for assuming and for not being more proactive and defending God and my believes any stronger.

If we were to separate, I completely understand and it will be my commitment that I will NEVER marry again. This, I have very clear. I do not need anybody else but God, and marriage is only once. I don’t think my husband is that strong though, so I think if that were to happen, at some point he would get together with someone (something else I would have to come to terms with).

I do have to say that he is really trying to make things work, here at the house, with the kids, expresses remorse and disbelieve of what he was capable of doing and best of all I can see he really cares for the kids better than before. He is willing to meet with our priest (although) it has not happened yet (hum…). He doesn’t have the time, business takes up a lot of time. This is the part that bothers me.

To me, God comes first. He would really need to surrender to God, and look or reach for him but I don’t see that. He is really new at believing and If I get involved he does too. But again he follows. I wish he would not follow and he would look for God with a deeper “want”. That makes me doubt.

I am still here at home together, trying to survive, receiving treatment and praying that Gods gives me discernment and peace. I have placed myself in his arms but sometimes it gets really hard to go through this and fear sets in.

I’m taking care of my faith and my children’s faith, building more into it and getting us involved in our community of faith. For now, I can only be a presence he can follow, but he needs to find it on his own.

I am VERY THANKFUL :o for all of your replies. I never imagined that I could get soooo much insight. All of you have brought up different points that are well intended and thoughtful using your own experiences. So I thank you from my heart that all of you are there to help others like me. Thank You for your prayers, I will be praying for all of you too. I feel I have made so many good and smart friends in a time that is hard to share such intimate details but your different perspectives really help me consider my situation in so many different ways. You guys have been a blessing. Thank you to all of you!🙂
 
joanofarc2008 said:
You should speak to your priest, make sure you get yourself into some counseling in order to keep yourself strong for your children, and don’t make any rash decisions. Take your time and allow God to guide you.
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This is what I am doing. Trying not to make any rash decisions and yes, kids come first. I s the reason I am still here. Thanks:o
 
ChibiViolet said:
You already got an STD because of him and it seems as though he is, or is going to cheat on you again so if I were you, I wouldn’t bother. Instead, I would apply for an annulment. If you do get an annulment, your children will still be considered valid.
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I am definitely keeping these quotes where I can see them everyday ! Thanks!
 
“If I’m not in a state of Grace, I pray the Lord to put me there, and if I am in a state of Grace, I pray the Lord to keep me there.”–St. Joan of Arc

“The Eucharist is the supreme proof of the Love of Jesus. After this, there is nothing more but Heaven.”–St. Peter Julian Eymard
ChibbyViolet:
I am definitely keeping these quotes where I can see them everyday ! Thanks! :o
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If this man has broken his Vows within your Christian marriage, I would be praying to God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus for Their Divine Love, Wisdom and Guidance to flow through you, your Husband and Family through Jesus Holy Rosary daily along with attending Mass each week and all to Reconciliation.

I would be placing Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus’ Holy Scapulas in your room(s), Jesus Crucifixes, The Miraculous Medal, and other Holy Images throughout your home, his office, your vehicles and wallets for Thy Divine Holy Love and Protection.

Attend counselling together (RCIA) and change around your homelife patterns. Change is as beneficial as a holiday.

Thereafter you will know whether (a) you are able to forgive, trust your Husband and move on with your lives, (b) he never re-commits and (c) grow more loving, close and respectful as One in God now and for Eternity.

Love and best wishes
 
Well keep chugging along 🙂

A teacher once said its always a disappointment when our love ones do not discover God to the degree we would like and I have had that experience also.

You clearly will be the light in the household.Good Luck
 
To answer some questions posted, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage as it is taught and stated in the bible and by Jesus. We married and never lived together until marriage at our Catholic Parish back in our country. When I married, I had full purpose if fulfilling marriage as stated in the bible and that day my commitment was not only to my husband but also and especially to God who united us. I think that for this very reason I have a bit of a hard time accepting the affair. I went into the marriage believing that my husband thought and believed the same thing I did. And I found out that it wasn’t like that. He was just following my steps.
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If we were to separate, I completely understand and it will be my commitment that I will NEVER marry again. This, I have very clear. I do not need anybody else but God, and marriage is only once. I don’t think my husband is that strong though, so I think if that were to happen, at some point he would get together with someone (something else I would have to come to terms with).
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God bless you Sunnysun. You don’t know how encouraging those words are to read!!

Living them makes you a wonderful example for your children to have confidence in marriage and know that there are people who they can marry who will remain faithful to them until death.
Remember, we are forgiven AS WE forgive others. The Lord kept reminding me of this during my “situation.” I couldn’t, therefore, rationalize building a wall and saying, “Hey honey, I ‘forgive’ you but my ‘forgiveness’ does not include an openness to reconciliation upon your true repentance.” I expect that when I pray the Lord’s prayer, that part about asking to be forgiven as I forgive others will be answered.

For your husband’s “scientific mind” I wonder if he would have/take the time to check out Fr. Spitzer’s website. I think it is Faith and Reason something. There are some resources that can be listened to and maybe fit a busier schedule.

The Gift of Self is an awesome book for you. It can be purchased at Mary’s Advocates website for $8.

Also, I wonder if your husband would consider a Theology of the Body course with you if you have one nearby.

Anyway, God bless you for being a wonderful light in this dark world!!

Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
ValPal said:
. There are obviously exceptions, such as physical abuse, but the OP’s post doesn’t indicate that.
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Say what? Giving her an STD qualifies as physical abuse in my book. He could have killed her.

Sunnysun, hire a lawyer and run. You may still be married in the eyes of the Church, but you don’t have to live with him and you should protect yourself civilly.
 
SlackerCatholic said:
Say what? Giving her an STD qualifies as physical abuse in my book. He could have killed her.
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It may be physical abuse in your book, but I doubt the courts would consider an STD “physical abuse.” It might be considered abusive if the husband had knowledge of the STD and he had intent to give the wife the STD and cause harm, but that will be extraordinarily difficult to prove.
 
sunnysun said:
Hello again everyone,

I have to apologize for not responding to the posts for a while. To tell you the truth I was not in a good place at the moment and it was a bit overwhelming to read all the responses, not knowing what to think.

After my post, things were not doing to well and my PTSD got worse. So the only thing I could do was to handle that first. My kids deserve better so I realized with the help of my parents that I do need to take care of me first to be able to see things a bit more clear.

To answer some questions posted, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage as it is taught and stated in the bible and by Jesus. We married and never lived together until marriage at our Catholic Parish back in our country. When I married, I had full purpose if fulfilling marriage as stated in the bible and that day my commitment was not only to my husband but also and especially to God who united us. I think that for this very reason I have a bit of a hard time accepting the affair. I went into the marriage believing that my husband thought and believed the same thing I did. And I found out that it wasn’t like that. He was just following my steps.

My husband comes from a very poor religious background and he is also a scientist. So he believed that there was and I quote “something out there, but he could not believe in God like I did”. I feel guilt for letting that one “slide under the rug” and think “he will believe one day…is a good guy”.

We would always go to mass, and I was somewhat involved in church. I would try just to involve myself because “church” topics made him uncomfortable. The problem was that when the time came and “the devil” enter our doors, he never felt guilty because I didn’t know, and God didn’t really exist so “nobody” knew.

So I have A LOT of regrets and Guilt for assuming and for not being more proactive and defending God and my believes any stronger.

If we were to separate, I completely understand and it will be my commitment that I will NEVER marry again. This, I have very clear. I do not need anybody else but God, and marriage is only once. I don’t think my husband is that strong though, so I think if that were to happen, at some point he would get together with someone (something else I would have to come to terms with).

I do have to say that he is really trying to make things work, here at the house, with the kids, expresses remorse and disbelieve of what he was capable of doing and best of all I can see he really cares for the kids better than before. He is willing to meet with our priest (although) it has not happened yet (hum…). He doesn’t have the time, business takes up a lot of time. This is the part that bothers me.

To me, God comes first. He would really need to surrender to God, and look or reach for him but I don’t see that. He is really new at believing and If I get involved he does too. But again he follows. I wish he would not follow and he would look for God with a deeper “want”. That makes me doubt.

I am still here at home together, trying to survive, receiving treatment and praying that Gods gives me discernment and peace. I have placed myself in his arms but sometimes it gets really hard to go through this and fear sets in.

I’m taking care of my faith and my children’s faith, building more into it and getting us involved in our community of faith. For now, I can only be a presence he can follow, but he needs to find it on his own.

I am VERY THANKFUL :o for all of your replies. I never imagined that I could get soooo much insight. All of you have brought up different points that are well intended and thoughtful using your own experiences. So I thank you from my heart that all of you are there to help others like me. Thank You for your prayers, I will be praying for all of you too. I feel I have made so many good and smart friends in a time that is hard to share such intimate details but your different perspectives really help me consider my situation in so many different ways. You guys have been a blessing. Thank you to all of you!🙂
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Sorry about the post above. I hit the button too soon.

I just wanted to encourage you and let you know I will say a prayer for you. I’ve been through a similar situation–got the STD and the PTSD too. God somehow healed and things are much better in my marriage now. You sound like you have a strong faith and your trust in God will help a lot. In fact you sound like you are doing much better than I was at the same point.

Blessings,
AnneTeresa
 
Sunnysun, let me tell you something very important: to your husband, you are the only Christ that he will ever take seriously in his life for now.

Some people say that teaching by example is the best way to teach, but I use to say it is the only way. If there is a way to draw your husband towards God, this way is you, and your example as a Christian.

Think about that for a moment.

In a way, you are already doing it wright. You became closer to God after all that happened. You already realized that your love for God comes first than your husband. Despite of everything, you were faithful to the sacrament of marriage, and kept the family together. You were patient with the situation, and didn’t rebel against God. You are already behaving like a true Christian, and rest assured that you husband is watching all this. That’s the reason why he feels guilty and repented.

But how can he feel repented and keep sinning like that? Does that mean that is not repented at all, and is just a liar?

The answer is simple: repentance does not guarantee any one to be redeemed, what truly redeems us is the grace of God, which comes through the faith.

Because he doesn’t truly believe in God, he has no grace to defeat his sins. He has no chance against evil whatsoever.

I think you should stop seeing this issue as a struggle between you and your husband, and start seeing it as a struggle against evil. For as hard as is might be for someone in your position, it is clear that your husband is as much a victim as he is a perpetrator. You have God on your side, and that’s why you are the person you are, but he doesn’t. He is defenseless against all temptations, you are not.

So, what should you do?

In my opinion, keep doing everything you are already doing, plus add some more forgiving to the equation. Your holiness and forgiving will sanctify your marriage, as the holiness of Chist sanctify us all.

If you find him watching pornography on the internet or trying to contact other women, don’t treat him like an adulterous. Treat him like someone who needs help to get out of the claws of the Devil himself. He is being tempted all the time, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. If it is hard for a devout to do it, then imagine for someone who doesn’t have any faith.

Help your husband in his spiritual journey. Do this by inviting him to the mass. Invite him to pray the rosary with you. Put your intentions together before the prayer. Ask for your marriage before God, together.

But most important, don’t force it on him. Invite him instead. No one will receive the grace of faith without requesting it by free will. Your husband must do that, and you must help him.

God bless you, your husband and all your family. Be faithful, and you will overcome this together in Christ.
 
AnneTeresa said:
Sorry about the post above. I hit the button too soon.

I just wanted to encourage you and let you know I will say a prayer for you. I’ve been through a similar situation–got the STD and the PTSD too. God somehow healed and things are much better in my marriage now. You sound like you have a strong faith and your trust in God will help a lot. In fact you sound like you are doing much better than I was at the same point.

Blessings,
AnneTeresa
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Thank you for giving me hope. I’m thankful for every single post here.

Sunny
 
eonporter said:
Sunnysun, let me tell you something very important: to your husband, you are the only Christ that he will ever take seriously in his life for now.

Some people say that teaching by example is the best way to teach, but I use to say it is the only way. If there is a way to draw your husband towards God, this way is you, and your example as a Christian.

Think about that for a moment.

In a way, you are already doing it wright. You became closer to God after all that happened. You already realized that your love for God comes first than your husband. Despite of everything, you were faithful

The answer is simple: repentance does not guarantee any one to be redeemed, what truly redeems us is the grace of God, which comes through the faith.
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I have thought about what you have mentioned here already. And you are completely right in ALL your post. My parents as I mentioned in other post are a great example and guide. They have mentioned the same thing “Lead by example”.

Thanks for all your words. I will really keep reading these posts that help me so much!

Take Care,
Sunny
 
sunnysun said:
Hello everyone,
Please forgive for what I think is going to be a long story…
My husband had a 4 month affair with a person we know and work with (which was really hard for me). We have been happily married for 16 years (or so I thought) and we dated 2 and a half years. We were more than just a couple, we were best friends. We have a professional office and the office makes more than enough (if I can put it that way)…and greed, $ and “loose lifestyle” got to him. I was seeing that, he wanted more cars, boat, always big and it was not enough, but I never thought that an affair could happen.
The only business meeting I could not make because of the kids… and right there, it happened! The person who attended the same business meeting invited him to a strip club and from there the rest happened. I found out 4 months later. The reason?..he said he was curious, that never felt free or sinful before and liked being liked outside the marriage…

It shattered my world! I am a very strong person and all of the sudden I had no control of anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, I lost about 10 pounds in a month, I contracted a STD, developed breast tumor, stomach polyps, could not eat and developed PTSD.

It has been a year now. I have grown so much…I learned that I made him my priority and not God whom should have always been. And it made me grow closer to God than ever before.

I decided to try to keep the marriage because my H had total regret, wanted to be a better person and grow closer to God. But things have been really hard. I was having a hard time looking at the person thorough all faults and pretend it had never happened, but I was better.

Recently, I left for 5 days to take my son for a treatment he receives and when we got back being all so happy to be back, I decided to use his iPad for search for a treatment for my little one and within the searches I saw he had been looking for a woman’s name. I asked him and he got all upset like “here we go again” and I did not argue but decided to check it out. I clicked on it and there it was… a woman a little more than half naked!
I asked again with proof in hand and again he said he was “curious”, he had seen it on TV and decided to check it out, I told him he needed to leave us this time. He had also done a search for the other woman on his computer before because he was “curious”.

What I don’t understand is how someone cannot get that little conscience prior to taking a bad step which you have committed before!

He is staying some place else now, but since it has been the only thing (that I know) since the affair happened I don’t know that I should still try to save this marriage!

He is not a bad dad or person, he is for everything else responsible, caring with my family, he is very close to my parents (and the opposite to his parents). But he was never taught good things my his family (I found out later). He is a scientist by profession and did not believe in God. He says now he does but still he did that search for that woman. I don’t know how much internally he cares or believes. He is working with a therapist (so am I).

So he is like a sack full of goodness with a hidden, dark side that I don’t even know he knows! I already set my limits but right now I don’t know if this is even worth working on…
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Take care of you and your children. If he wants the marriage and you still love him, but don’t trust him, he will have to earn your trust and that is going to take time. I think a separation is healthy for you in the mean time. But your priest would be the best one to ask.
Trust in the lord and he will pull you through.
GB
 
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