Should I start dating?

  • Thread starter Thread starter DL82
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DL82

Guest
I’m still not sure whether I’m called to married or religious life. I’ve written to a monastery, and they suggested I wait about 3 years, because I am a new Catholic and need to mature in my faith. The more I read of the Church’s theology of the body, the more I realise I still have a long way to go to be mature in my understanding of my own sexual identity too. My ex girlfriend told me she really thinks I ought to see a psychiatrist over a number of issues and hang-ups, and I am currently seeing a counsellor, and am trying to work through them. I am a postgraduate student, so I’m not making enough money to support a wife and family right now, and probably wouldn’t be earning enough to support them on a single income for many years.

At the same time, I’m 27, and the more time goes by, the less chance of a fruitful and enjoyable marriage seems to be a possiblity. Should I wait until all these issues have been resolved, and until I have definitely discerned a ‘call’ to married life, before I start dating? Or should I just accept that things aren’t perfect, but that I might still be called to marriage, in spite of my own imperfections?

Honestly, I’m lonely, and feel time slipping by.

I’m also about to go to an event where there will be hundreds of other young adult Catholics practicing their faith, and I want to know what I ought to do if I find myself attracted to a woman there.
 
We’ve all got imperfections 😃

It’s not easy when you’re Catholic, trying to date people who understand, respect, and ideally, also participate in your faith. I got engaged in my early thirties…so please don’t think time is slipping away! The more time you give yourself to be comfortable with “you”, and understand yourself better, it can only help a future marriage. 30 is the new 20 😉

That’s not to say I would ever discourage anyone from religious life.

If you meet someone who you find interesting, offer your phone number or e-mail address. Perhaps she’ll respond in kind, and you can follow up. Or, she might follow up with you. Perhaps you’ll only be friends. Perhaps it will be more. Don’t have too high of expectations, just because the letdown can be painful. But who knows, if you continue to feel called to religious life, you could make a lot of new Catholic friends who will support you. You win either way.

Keep going to counseling, that never hurt anyone, and can help provide clarity.

Best to you!
 
DL82 said:
I’m still not sure whether I’m called to married or religious life. I’ve written to a monastery, and they suggested I wait about 3 years, because I am a new Catholic and need to mature in my faith. The more I read of the Church’s theology of the body, the more I realise I still have a long way to go to be mature in my understanding of my own sexual identity too. My ex girlfriend told me she really thinks I ought to see a psychiatrist over a number of issues and hang-ups, and I am currently seeing a counsellor, and am trying to work through them. I am a postgraduate student, so I’m not making enough money to support a wife and family right now, and probably wouldn’t be earning enough to support them on a single income for many years.

At the same time, I’m 27, and the more time goes by, the less chance of a fruitful and enjoyable marriage seems to be a possiblity. Should I wait until all these issues have been resolved, and until I have definitely discerned a ‘call’ to married life, before I start dating? Or should I just accept that things aren’t perfect, but that I might still be called to marriage, in spite of my own imperfections?

Honestly, I’m lonely, and feel time slipping by.

I’m also about to go to an event where there will be hundreds of other young adult Catholics practicing their faith, and I want to know what I ought to do if I find myself attracted to a woman there.
Click to expand...
First of all, please read CCC 1603 where it states that the vocation to marriage was written into our nature in the beginning by God. You do not have to wait for an official “call” to marriage; it already is written in us. Our discernment process should be whether or not we have a call to something OTHER THAN MARRIAGE.

Second, I do not know what “hangup” your ex GF refers to, but if she is not a practicing Catholic she could simply consider Catholic morality a “hangup”.

Third, regarding what you ought to if you meet an attractive woman - simply try to break the ice and start up a conversation. I know we can all be shy and start doing a Ralph Kramden imitation (watch reruns of “The Honeymooners” and you’ll know whay I’m talking about), but sometimes we just need to just take a deep breath and talk to them! Also, ignore any naysayers who will try to criticize you for seeking marriage. They only contribute to shyness.
 
There are a lot of things someone can say to you in response, and a few questions, too, particularly about your “issues.” (Although being in graduate school really slows down the amount of experience a man gets in dealing with romantic relationships. You may not really be that challenged there, once you get going.)

You really need to talk to someone. Not to a professional, but to someone who knows you well and wishes the best for you and has a bit of life experience.

A couple of caveats: don’t romanticize marriage (as so many in our culture do); there are pros and cons to it; the older I get, the more appealing being a priest is to me (although I’m married). . . I am basically saying that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
 
DL82,

You might want to speak to your therapist about some other things too. Your worried you don’t have enough time for a “fruitful marriage?” Wow. I don’t want to give you more things to be obsessed about (Trust me, I know what hang ups can do to someone) but RELAX! Your only 27! Not 72! My goodness…this isn’t the 1600’s where we die at 40!

If you think marriage might not be for you, and you really want to join an order, than great! God bless you for it! If you think marriage might be the best thing-than great! God bless you for it!

But keep in mind that a woman can work outside the home as well. You don’t need to pull down 7 figures all by yourself.

You may not want to start dating until you get a grip on what you want in life.

From one grad student to a post grad!
 
DL82 said:
…
Honestly, I’m lonely, and feel time slipping by.
Click to expand...
I suspect this is the main problem and it’s fuzzying up everything else.

The mother hen in me just wants to give you a huge hug! 😃

No more listening to ex-girlfriends - go to your event and enjoy yourself. Praise God there are hundreds of other young adults practicing their faith!! 🙂 If you see a young woman that you’d like to talk to, then by all means - talk! Ask for directions to someplace…lol…that’ll surprise her…get it? A man asking for directions…sorry, I need to go to bed… Live your life and give all these other worries to God. 😉
 
Captain_America said:
There are a lot of things someone can say to you in response, and a few questions, too, particularly about your “issues.” (Although being in graduate school really slows down the amount of experience a man gets in dealing with romantic relationships. You may not really be that challenged there, once you get going.)

**You really need to talk to someone. Not to a professional, but to someone who knows you well and wishes the best for you and has a bit of life experience. **

A couple of caveats: don’t romanticize marriage (as so many in our culture do); there are pros and cons to it; the older I get, the more appealing being a priest is to me (although I’m married). . . I am basically saying that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Click to expand...
Seek out a priest or nun specialized in counseling, your rectory or diocese should have someone to refer you to. They are great, I have not needed to utilize their services as of yet, but this helps combine rationale and faith so that you stick to a clear path of critical thinking that does not veer off our spiritual path. Perhaps if you do this, you can better decipher if the marriage vocation is for you, or if you, are in fact, ready right now for dating/courting.

You have to like someone first. Do you? If so, then you have to see if that person has any interest in you as well. From there on, it is a whole lot of talking and mingling. Seeing how your personalities fit well to each other.
 
Captain_America said:
There are a lot of things someone can say to you in response, and a few questions, too, particularly about your “issues.” (Although being in graduate school really slows down the amount of experience a man gets in dealing with romantic relationships. You may not really be that challenged there, once you get going.)

You really need to talk to someone. Not to a professional, but to someone who knows you well and wishes the best for you and has a bit of life experience.

A couple of caveats: don’t romanticize marriage (as so many in our culture do); there are pros and cons to it; **the older I get, the more appealing being a priest is to me **(although I’m married). . . I am basically saying that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Click to expand...
:DThis made me giggle.
 
Rascalking said:
DL82,

You might want to speak to your therapist about some other things too. Your worried you don’t have enough time for a “fruitful marriage?” Wow. I don’t want to give you more things to be obsessed about (Trust me, I know what hang ups can do to someone) but RELAX! Your only 27! Not 72! My goodness…this isn’t the 1600’s where we die at 40!

If you think marriage might not be for you, and you really want to join an order, than great! God bless you for it! If you think marriage might be the best thing-than great! God bless you for it!

But keep in mind that a woman can work outside the home as well. You don’t need to pull down 7 figures all by yourself.

You may not want to start dating until you get a grip on what you want in life.

From one grad student to a post grad!
Click to expand...
Here! Here! I understand your lonely, but really take the effort to find more Catholic young adult groups and make good and meaningful friendships. You never know what might sprout out of that.
 
DL82 said:
I want to know what I ought to do if I find myself attracted to a woman there.
Click to expand...
Bust a move. It’s after we know God that we wonder if we’re called to a religious life. It’s after we date that we wonder whether we’re called to married life.
Captain_America said:
A couple of caveats: don’t romanticize marriage (as so many in our culture do); there are pros and cons to it; the older I get, the more appealing being a priest is to me (although I’m married). . . I am basically saying that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Click to expand...
I’m sure there are priests that see the married life as greener grass. The problem with an overly romantic view of marriage isn’t that people erroneously think it’s better than being single, it’s that they think it will be better than it typically is. But if we’re looking for objectivity here, studies tend to show married people as being overall more satisfied than those who lead a single life.

You’re certainly not too old to look for a wife, and if you’re called to no higher position than that, you won’t have to worry about finances anyway - God will provide (you know this). If you experience feelings of lonliness now, perhaps you should let that motivation drive and see where it takes you. Pray earnestly about it though, God will surely give you discernment in such things.

May God bless you, DL82
 
Is there someone you want to date? Experience tells me you can’t just start dating unless there is someone to date.
 
Bataar said:
Is there someone you want to date? Experience tells me you can’t just start dating unless there is someone to date.
Click to expand...
Thanks to all above for their advice. I really appreciate it. All the same, I’m still not sure, I’m aware of a huge amount of mental, emotional and spiritual baggage I’m still carrying.

As to this question, there is someone I have thought about dating, we have very similar personalities and are both involved in some shared activities in church. It would certainly make good sense for us to be together, and we could be of great benefit to the Church in such a marriage. I have even had people ask if we’re a couple when we go to help out at the local soup kitchen together. (I’m quick enough to notice when people mistake me for a priest* and take that as a hint, guess I should be open enough to take the hint as regards marriage too).

Two possible problems - she’s often talked about religious life, and also feels called to that, and I’m just not physically attracted to her. If I was still living according to the flesh, I’d say she’s not my ‘type’, but that’s just a physical judgment. Is it still right to allow fleshly considerations like body type and ‘chemistry’ play a decisive role?
    • just thought I’d add a little anecdote here: when I was received into the Church, there was a reception held in the Cathedral for all the newly baptized and confirmed adults (we were confirmed by our parish priests, not by the Archbishop). I was one of the few single people there, and was talking to this young seminarian who was about the same age as me. The Archbishop was going round talking to all the new Catholics, then he comes to the seminarian, asks him how his studies are going, turns to me and asks ‘and is this another seminarian?’ (not a hint, just a genuine mistaken identity) That was my bishop’s first words to me. Hmm. Prophetic? Certainly made me think.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top