should I stay or leave marriage?

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IowaGirl80

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Hello, I was asked to post on this forum by another poster. I hope I can get some good advice - thanks so much for reading this!
my husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are from different cultures, and he is Catholic - I have gone through RCIA and hope to be in the church soon (I am lutheran originally). Anyway, we have pretty much always had a bad marriage except for maybe the first year. Lots of arguments and such. But at first, my husband tried to be understanding as he wants everything his way, but now he immediately gets mad if he doesn’t like my cooking (hardly ever likes it, but you know, I didn’t grow up in his culture with his food, so at least I try and everyone else seems to like it), and if there are dishes not washed, or something like that, then I am a horrible housekeeper, and as for the bedroom - well we don’t even share one anymore and haven’t since 2005. So, basically to him I am a failure in all those areas, so I am not worthy of him. And especailly in the looks department, I am 30 pounds lighter than when we dated, but he wants another 50 off (which would be in the middle of normal weight range for my height). So, this is something he brings up everyday.

He finds any reason to leave like joining a class so he can get away from us. he says we cling to him and he doesn’t need a wife and kid.

Anyway, to move on, he does not want to be married anymore - I do. He says he 70% hates me, 30% likes me, and 0% loves me. He wants me to move out, and either him pay some child support and see our 2 year old twice a month, or for me to just leave with our child and he’ll not se him except for when he feels like he wants too. Or, he says I can stay in the apartment and he can see our child and we will be roomates- basically I stay away from him when he’s home, he will cook for himself, take care of himself. He wants to put our son in daycare and for me to get a job then and split the bills. If we want to talk, we’ll just write notes to eachother. Of course, this won’t work long term though because what about when one of us takes a job somewhere else, or wants to buy a house, then there needs to be communication!

I know we have problems, but I think a marriage is a vow and should be worked through. He thinks he’s not happy so he wants out.

What should I do? Leave and have an okay relationship with him and move on, or stay as roommates and hope that it works out if he sees some changes? I feel like I am being controlled and I don’t want to have to go all to his way and I don’t want to be loved only when I am in the correct weight range, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be healthy for me to lose that extra weight, and I am not trying to make an excuse, but I think divorce is a very big deal, and I don’t think anyone will be any better off.

What should i do?
 
IowaGirl, I am so sorry you are facing this decision. I’m sure others will offer you fuller advice, but the first thing I would suggest is that you contact a lawyer who can give you guidance in protecting your interests and those of your child. If your description of your husband’s attitude is as you claim, then protecting yourself from his attempts to drive you from your home and from your child must be addressed immediately.
 
Iowagirl, I had a friend who was in a similar situation and the husband filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage because my friend was overweight! That’s a crazy reason to leave a marriage, you marry for better or worse. Even if your spouse gets fat or bald or whatever! Iowagirl, it may be that you will never be able to please your husband, thats just the way he is. Or he is using your weight as an excuse, maybe he’s bored or just wants out, I’m guessing at his motives. It’s your decision if you want to live like this but I think most women would want out rather than stay with a man who says he doesn’t love them. Thats really a cruel thing to say to you anyway. I would see a counsellor and get your self esteem back where it belongs and see a lawyer also.
 
Leave.

You deserve a man that wants you around and loves you.

Get a lawyer. Talk to a priest or a minister, whoever you feel comfortable with and get their advice. Don’t take my word for it.

In 10 years, if you stay where will you be?
 
Leave and start a new life for yourself and your child. No one should have to put up with the stuff he is putting on you. I was married to a man who beat me every chance he got (even when I was pregnant). I left him and took our children, divorced him and found another man who loved me and my children. We married, he adopted my children and we had another child. All of our children are grown and we are now grandparents (newest grandchild is due any day!).
Good luck to you. You and your child deserve much better.
 
I am very sorry for your situation.

Did you marry in the Church, or did your husband get a dispensation to marry outside the Church?

If neither, you marriage may be invalid in the eyes of the Church.

This is very important if your husband does leave. Since you wish to become Catholic and may want to marry in the future.

You should consult your priest on this issue before you are baptized.

I also second the advice of seeing a counsellor (Catholic) and a lwayer.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
First, I am very sorry that your marriage has become such a trial, and particularly that your husband, who you say is Catholic, has such an un-Catholic attitude towards marriage, and towards you. You seem to have a fuller, more Catholic understanding of marriage than does your husband! (And, unfortunately, than most of the respondents in this thread so far.)

Nothing that you describe about your marriage here is unfixable!

Your husband needs to talk to a priest who will explain to him the fullness of the Catholic sacrament of marriage, its indissoluble nature, and right attitudes and obligations towards marriage, towards your children, and towards you. He should also discuss with a priest whatever it is that is making him so angry – I was once much like him, and can promise you that there is some underlying insecurity and/or anxiety he is harboring that finds its outlet in anger towards you and the world. Such counseling, together with prayer and confession and frequent reception of the Holy Eucharist can make a world of difference for him, for you, for your whole family, and for your marriage.

Don’t give up!

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Carl H.
 
The first thing you need to do is protect yourself legally, if you cannot afford a lawer seek out legal aide. Secondly do not move our or agree to anything with him. If he wants out let him leave and you keep custody of your child. He sound like an immature little boy to me and just does not want the commitment. Do not let him bully you. Most of all continue to go to mass and discuss the situation with your priest. If you are really serious about converting to the faith for your own spiritual reasons then continue with that asap.Your marriage is very important, however if he chooses to end it and walk away at least you can say you tried to stay and work it out and this will make your future a little brighter.
 
CarlH said:
Nothing that you describe about your marriage here is unfixable!

.
Click to expand...
Well, maybe, maybe not. 🤷

Marriage counciling is a good idea with a qualified professional as well as with your priest.

But, if your husband won’t go to counciling or won’t put in the effort necessary to make changes, changes will not happen. I’m very good friends with an LPC who does marriage counciling, and this happens quite a bit.

That doesn’t spell hopelessness for your marriage, but at the same time it wouldn’t be good to stay in a destructive marriage that is harmful to you and your child.

Prayers for your situation.
 
Hi Iowagirl it is clear that he is not a christian, and you should tell him to leave.

I John 4

7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. **Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. **9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
** God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. **17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

He has failed as the head of the house,

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul addresses the case of an unbelieving spouse,

I cor 7

13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

16For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

:o
 
Common sense suggests its best to leave. But doesnt Catholic Morality insist that you bear this burden for better or worst? :o
 
IowaGirl, please be aware that the “dump him and move on” advice you’re getting here is contrary to Catholic teaching on marriage.

While the Church does permit spouses to separate – that is, to live apart from one another – and even to obtain a civil divorce, it must be for serious cause, as for example where physical abuse is involved. It does not permit either separation or divorce simply because you two fight verbally, or for mere selfishness, pettiness, indifference, and immaturity, which is what you describe in your marriage. Divorcing or even just separating for such unserious causes would be a grave wrong for any Catholic, and it is a grave wrong for any Catholic to counsel divorce for such unserious causes.

Moreover, the Church does not recognize civil divorce as dissolving a marriage. That is, should you and your husband divorce, you will still be married, so far as the Church is concerned. Unless and until the Church declares the marriage to have been invalid from the start – what is called “an annulment” – then even if you are divorced, for either of you even to date another person is a mortal sin.

Those are the facts, and it is surprising to me to see them ignored in an ostensibly Catholic forum such as this.

I say again, there is nothing in your marriage as you’ve described it that can’t be fixed. All that is needed is humility, maturity, prayer, love (and I don’t mean just romantic love), and the Blessed Sacrament; and the Church, through a competent priest, can help you both (re)discover all these things.

You are in my prayers.
 
CarlH, it sounds like they already are separated, they haven’t shared the bedroom since 2005. Apparently he’s already abandanded his family but wants her out of the house - maybe because it would be more convenient so he doen’t have to look for a new place himself. How is she going to drag him to a priest at this point? She is not a Catholic - yet - so she can divorce and remarry at some point. He on the other hand would not be able to without an annullment.
 
CarlH said:
While the Church does permit spouses to separate – that is, to live apart from one another – and even to obtain a civil divorce, it must be for serious cause, as for example where physical abuse is involved.
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Is verbal abuse in a marriage not a valid enough reason? I’m not trying to be smart, I honestly have no idea and would like to know.
 
Please ignore the law bound CarlH
Moreover, the Church does not recognize civil divorce as dissolving a marriage. That is, should you and your husband divorce, you will still be married, so far as the Church is concerned. Unless and until the Church declares the marriage to have been invalid from the start
Click to expand...
to make this statement just shows the arrogance of the C.C. even Jesus said that we are to obey the Law of the land, so who is this Church that tells a women that when the Law say’s you are free from a bad marriage, (we give you a Divorce it is now legal,) that they dont recognize it? “the Letter of the Law Kills”

you issues are not petty if they are as discribed, you need to arrange your legal affairs, we must assume you have already had counselling and tried to save your marriage or at least attempted to do so.

Paul tells husbands to love our wives as Christ loves the Church, you are free to go, you need to move on and find the marriage that is good for you or live alone with your child for a little while, anyway all the best for you and your Child.

remember this God hates divorce, but understands it’s neccesity after all he did divorced a nation.

Pastor Marty
 
Pastor Marty, I assume that someone who comes to a Catholic forum for advice would be interested in what the Catholic Church has to say. If IowaGirl is looking for advice from people who reject the authority of the Catholic Church, she can find it in plenty of other places.

IowaGirl, everything I’ve said here regarding the Church’s teaching on marriage is stated plainly in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Don’t be misled by non-Catholics and by Catholics-in-name-only as to what the Church teaches. You can find it out easily for yourself.

You’re in my prayers.
 
And the great thing with this site is that it allows for a non Catholic to give advice, because let’s face it there are good and Godly people with great advice to offer outside of the Catholic Church and we can be heard here.

Our friend may need more than your prayers, you faith without works is dead, she needs some realistic advice, not quotes from the C.C Hand book.

and tell me you say talk to the priest about marriage issues, how can a man who is forbidden to marry give advice and counselling on that very subject that he forbidden to explore, the relationship between man and women is not as easy as just reading a counselling manual.

I can tell you how to shear a sheep but I’ve never done it, so who is best to advise you on sheep shearing? a sheep shearer.

Pastor Marty
 
Christ was never married, and yet He taught on it with all authority: just as does the Church He established.
 
Christ taught on Marriage because he being God instituted it, but never did he engage in marriage counselling.

Pastor Marty
 
Dear Iowa Girl,
Relax and take a breath. Marriage is where two people give 100% of themselves to the other - to love, to honor, to cherish. Perfect. This is what we are all working toward, but most never get to.
I am Catholic, raised and educated Catholic, married 31 years to a wonderful man and have 6 great kids, our life was not always easy. I now work as an administrator and marriage counselor for a non-profit.
Iowa Girl - you need to stop and think about, if you really love your husband. In saying what kind of man he is - you don’t seem to - and maybe with reason. If your husband is as bad as you say, then I say - first, talk with you parish priest, tell him what has been going on. If your husband is still a Catholic - he might listen. Second - see a lawyer, just run all of this by him/her - don’t file anything. You stay in the apartment with your child. Your husband should be the one to leave. The courts favor the mother, especially with a small chilld. Your husband would have to pay child support.
Every story has two sides. Every marriage involves two people. When we do marriage counselling, may husband and I do it together. Men and women think different, feel different, love different. You just didn’t get to this place overnight. I am sure that your husband has a story to tell and that you are also part of the problem. Nobody is perfect. And nobody is faultless in a bad marriage.
If the the man you married is a monster - dump him. If you still love him - show him. If you don’t have a job outside of the home - then your home should be clean - that is your job, and it should be well done, just like anyone else’s job. You should work at making food that the family enjoys. Your home should be a warm place that everyone likes to be. Especially for your child and husband.
For 31 years I have made it a point to show my husband and children everyday that I love them. That they are the most precious ones in my life. I try to treat them special. Some days I am better at it than others - some days I am lousy at it - but I keep at it. No one is responsible for your happiness, but you.
If you love your husband, really love him - than work at showing him that for the next 6 months. Go to counseling - together. Try to make a nice home for him. Fix yourself up - you don’t have to be skinny to look good. If you look good - you will feel good about you. - that is what is really important. If you don’t feel good about you - it becomes hard for anyone else to.
Again try to make a nice home for your family. Tell your husband that you love him. Take an intrest in him. Chances are that he felt misplaced after you had a child. It happens. You become busy with a new baby - and the husband gets pushed aside. Make time for just him. Considering how you feel about each other right now, I would not make that time intimate, yet. Make a special dinner for him with his favoriate foods, even if you have to call his mom for recipies. Love him without expecting anything in return for 6 months, with counseling. If after that time you are in the same place - ask him to leave. Remember he is your child’s father. If he is a good father - your child deserves to be able to experience having parents.
If your husband won’t leave, considering your child’s age, a lawyer can make him leave. You will need to put a new future together for you and the child. Go to school, get a job, etc. You will now be single with a child. Difficult. But if the guy is a monster - better.
One of the big things - pray. God wants the best for all 3 of you. He loves all 3 of you. You’re husband is also in pain. He is not happy. Like I said, every story has 2 sides. No one just becomes a monster. He feels unloved too. Ask the Lord to help you see the truth, to help you do the loving thing. Spend at least 10 minutes everyday praying and 10 minutes being quiet, letting God love you.
Sometimes couples are no longer the two people who got married. Marriage takes work. Marriage takes total giving. Love makes a difference. Sometimes it is too late, and can’t be put back together. “Good-bye” is better than 20 more years of “I hate you”. Especially for your child. Do what you know you should be doing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know that you are in pain, but you have to change things to make it go away. The right things. Call your parish priest - go talk to him. but try to start being more loving to your husband, today. If you do seperate - you will know that you tried, you did your part. Only if you still have some love for him, other wise there is nothing to work with.
May God pick you up and hug you in His arms. You are His precious one - always - no matter what. Let Him love you right now, right where you are at.

Cjcp
 
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