Should I stay or leave?

[PazFeAmor]

IowaGirl80 This does not sound good at all. If he is even contemplating returning to his country who knows what is really going on in his mind. You are not really communicating with him other than through passing notes to one another.

You can’t even talk to him and if he has even said he hates you 70% why would you even stay with a man who tells you in percentages how much he hates you? and has even taken classes to get away from both you and your son?

It is good that you have spoken of the terms of the divorce, but if I were you I would make sure that in the terms of the divorce it is stated that his visits be supervised visits where you are there. Like I said before you have both become strangers to one another so you don’t really know what is going on in his head and with him constantly changing his mind I would not take a chance that he could possibly take your son to southern asia.

This happened to my cousin who married a man from Colombia and when their marriage became strained he took their kids to Colombia and never saw them again.

Lastly, yes, I do agree that you should see your priest about this whole situation. Personally it sounds beyond repair but I am not God to make a final judgement on anything.

My continued prayers for you and your son.

Peace

Thanks for writing - he’s from southern asia, born there, been here for a while (years and years). I think I wrote this confusing

"He wants me to move out, and either him pay some child support and see our 2 year old twice a month, or for me to just leave with our child and he’ll not se him except for when he feels like he wants too. "

I mean, he either wants to see our son every other weekend, and pay child support, or he wants to leave the country and never see either of us again (or else, leave and see us every couple of years when he feels like he wants to see our son), or we live like roommates.

we’ve already talked about terms of a divorce, like I take what I want pretty much from the house and our son (I would live with my family), everything else is his and he’ll pay a certain amount every month and either see our son every other weekend or so (maybe less who knows - he’s pretty wrapped up in his activities, not our son so I think he would not devote two full weekends to our son each month - he’d rather be doing this or that on his weekend)

Or everything the same as above, but he doens’t ever see us or pay anything for support (because he wouldn’t have any rights).

 

[Katie1723]

this has happened a million times. and then he changes his mind - wants to work it out if I’ll make changes, and I remind him he has changes to make too. Nobody takes us seriously anymore when this happens. I just don’t want an argument to end with “I want a divorce” when obviously it’s not a final decesion. I guess that keeps me thinking it’s not serious this time either, and it probably isn’t, but I never know. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle we are in. It takes two - I am also at fault. I am sure he can say a million things as well about me. I think I should have added this.

You don’t need to put up with this. Find a good attorney.
Kathy

 

[TIME]

IowaGirl, All my prayers for you and your son for this cross you are bearing at this time. Please remember that God will not abandon you and will always hear your prayers.

To those who have posted thus far, this is quite an unfortunate scenario, although NOT uncommon, for our time. We have:

Spouse A seems to be of good will.
Spouse B seems to be of ill will.

Some of IG’s main points are:

• “we have pretty much always had a bad marriage except for maybe the first year.”
• “my husband tried to be understanding as he wants everything his way, but now he immediately gets mad if he doesn’t like my cooking”
• “as for the bedroom - well we don’t even share one anymore and haven’t since 2005.”
• “He finds any reason to leave like joining a class so he can get away from us. he says we cling to him and he doesn’t need a wife and kid.”
• “He says he 70% hates me, 30% likes me, and 0% loves me.”
• “this has happened a million times. and then he changes his mind - wants to work it out if I’ll make changes,”
• Their is no written indication of physical abuse.
• Their is no written indication of infidelity.

At the very least Spouse B is mean and unloving, at worst Spouse B is hate filled and psychotic.

These rolls are easily reversed as well, where the wife, has consistently and repeatedly thrown the marriage and husband away like yesterday’s trash. We saw this recently in another post were the wife, after 20yrs of marriage declared she no longer wanted any conjugal relations, this example seems to have been resolved and was not over a 6-7yr period. The point is, either man or women can be of ill will.

CCC says many things and these are some I came across.

1627 The consent consists in a “human act by which the partners mutually give themselves to each other”: “I take you to be my wife” - "I take you to be my husband."128 This consent that binds the spouses to each other finds its fulfillment in the two "becoming one flesh."129

1648 It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being. This makes it all the more important to proclaim the Good News that God loves us with a definitive and irrevocable love, that married couples share in this love, that it supports and sustains them, and that by their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God’s faithful love. Spouses who with God’s grace give this witness, often in very difficult conditions, deserve the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community.158

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. **There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.**179

The point is when is enough, enough. How many months, years should go by before things end or should their be no way out. How many times should one turn down counselling, reconciliation, etc. before things end?

 

[kage_ar]

Are you both Catholic and were you married in the Church?

Sorry - re read your original post.

Since he is Catholic, and you are on your way, I echo those who have suggested seeking out your Priest.

 

[ack]

This happened to my cousin who married a man from Colombia and when their marriage became strained he took their kids to Colombia and never saw them again.

Wow. This is considered to be “international child abduction” and the US government takes it very, very seriously. Hopefully this will not happen to the OP.

 

[jusduckymom]

I’m not sure where you live but here in CA child support is not based on whether the non-custodial parent sees the child or not, it is based on the need for the child to be supported. If I remember correctly (it’s been a while) child support can be based on the percentage of time a child is with either parent. The less time you are providing the for the daily needs of the child…the higher percentage of your income you will have to give to care for your child. Sometimes the cold hard fact of how little income will be left after paying child support can be a shocker.
Please please please make sure that you and your child are safe…if that means leaving the house and staying with family and friends go…Things can escalate quickly, especially if your husband feels challenged or that you might (G forbid) be thinking for yourself.
I am speaking from experience…do not wait for things to get worse. He has already stated that he does not care about you and has intimated he has little feeling for your child (going away and never seeing them again.) Talk with your priest, find a good attorney. It sounds like the time for talking with your spouse is over.

 

[rebusrms]

I just wanted to let you know that you and your son are in my prayers. I can’t add anything more than what was said. Seek the advice of a lawyer and your priest. Stay strong.

 

[In_Vino_Veritas]

See a lawyer and then a priest, but don’t forget to hide his passport and your child’s passport (if one exists).