Should I stay with an unrepentant vow-breaking husband?

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Ailina said:
Well, that says right there that you and your friends are quite desensitized to the effect of pornography on our culture. And people wonder why marriages are in trouble??? When such things are considered no big deal by some, then it’s hard to tell when there’s a problem, isn’t it?
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Ahem… did I say I thought it wasn’t a big deal? no I did not. I said it was and if it wasn’t adultery it was close.

My point is that there are many in our culture who do not find this necessarily a big deal and her husband has probably been influenced by these parties. But I would see it as less damaging to a 30 year marriage than something that also had emotion and planned deception (like an affair, this probably happend with the guys from work after a few, maybe a lot of alcohol). And NO alcohol is not an excuse, and neither is peer pressure but something that I believe should be noted.

As for the rest of the post, I agree with you 100%
 
jwashu said:
Ahem… did I say I thought it wasn’t a big deal? no I did not. I said it was and if it wasn’t adultery it was close.

My point is that there are many in our culture who do not find this necessarily a big deal and her husband has probably been influenced by these parties. But I would see it as less damaging to a 30 year marriage than something that also had emotion and planned deception (like an affair, this probably happend with the guys from work after a few, maybe a lot of alcohol). And NO alcohol is not an excuse, and neither is peer pressure but something that I believe should be noted.

As for the rest of the post, I agree with you 100%
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We don’t know if it was ‘just being one of the boys’ or solitary behavior on his part. I know I would be equally upset if my spouse engaged in lap-dancing. I would be doubting my perception of our entire marriage (No, wait, I HAVE been in her shoes, albeit in different circumstances, but know the feelings well. That sense of betrayal and destruction of trust are very hard to overcome).

But on this note, there is another thread here about the unhappiness of women. Could it be because men are behaving more like adolescents than men, through the encouragement of our porn culture? Standards for manly behavior starting sliding downwards much earlier than the dawning of feminism.
 
e3342 said:
I’ve been going back and forth, round and round with my emotions since he told me this 3 months ago. We had been going to counseling since then because initially, I kicked him out of the house. After many sessions, and with the stress of his job and the economy, things have gotten back to us living like roommates again. We had been living like this during the time he was cheating on me. I was dealing with a disease with symptoms of fatigue and pain. I have slowly been recovering. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for a few years now because his snoring and radio listening at night keeps me up. And yes, he did apologize for hurting me, and says he will not go there again, but since that has happened, I caught him in a few small lies, but lies none the less. I asked him if he thought maybe he just fell out of love with me during that time because since then, he shows virtually no affection to me. Our counselor says that there comes a time where the cheater cannot take any more grief from the spouse. At some point, you must move on. We have reached that, but my problem is, my emotions still are on a roller coaster. Like today, I am angry and hurt again. He doesn’t know I am, but he is distancing himself from me right now. We missed our last counseling session because of a job-related emergency, but I don’t think he will go back to therapy. I really don’t have much else to say to the counselor. What do you think I should do? Thanks for all your imput.
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Have you heard of the Retrouvaille program? That is a different program than marital counselling and might be the answer to getting you both on track in your marriage.

retrouvaille.com
 
Ailina said:
We don’t know if it was ‘just being one of the boys’ or solitary behavior on his part. I know I would be equally upset if my spouse engaged in lap-dancing. I would be doubting my perception of our entire marriage (No, wait, I HAVE been in her shoes, albeit in different circumstances, but know the feelings well. That sense of betrayal and destruction of trust are very hard to overcome).

But on this note, there is another thread here about the unhappiness of women. Could it be because men are behaving more like adolescents than men, through the encouragement of our porn culture? Standards for manly behavior starting sliding downwards much earlier than the dawning of feminism.
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The accessibility of porn is definitely more today, than yester-decade…but, adultery has gone on since Biblical times. It’s not a new ‘phenomenon.’’ My aunts on my dad’s side, had husbands who cheated on them for years…I had an uncle who had a mistress for literally 15 years…so, adultery isn’t a new thing. It’s just women back in ‘the old day’ didn’t see any alternatives to the marriage, they often times remained married to men who behaved badly. 😦
 
jwashu said:
You can’t get an STD from a lap dance…

And I’m sorry it was a lap dance… while that is definitely bordering on adultery (and truly it might qualify) he seems repentent and I’m with the others, I highly doubt the problem was caused by the lap dances.

You have been married for 30 years and this is difficult but it’s definitely different than an emotional / physical affair with someone. I’m not saying it’s not serious in my opinion, I do know many people who wouldn’t think it was a big deal - I had a friend who his wife got him a lap dance once while she was there (no they aren’t Catholic).

More importantly, if you guys are both going to counseling and want to work it out I don’t see why you couldn’t unless you don’t want to work it out for some reason other than this.

Joe
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I don’t see how he could get that kind of injury from a lap dance - it itakes a lot of force to do that kind of damage. Also since he only admitted this because he was caught what hasn’t admitted to?
 
e3342 said:
I’ve been going back and forth, round and round with my emotions since he told me this 3 months ago. We had been going to counseling since then because initially, I kicked him out of the house. After many sessions, and with the stress of his job and the economy, things have gotten back to us living like roommates again. We had been living like this during the time he was cheating on me. I was dealing with a disease with symptoms of fatigue and pain. I have slowly been recovering. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for a few years now because his snoring and radio listening at night keeps me up. And yes, he did apologize for hurting me, and says he will not go there again, but since that has happened, I caught him in a few small lies, but lies none the less. I asked him if he thought maybe he just fell out of love with me during that time because since then, he shows virtually no affection to me. Our counselor says that there comes a time where the cheater cannot take any more grief from the spouse. At some point, you must move on. We have reached that, but my problem is, my emotions still are on a roller coaster. Like today, I am angry and hurt again. He doesn’t know I am, but he is distancing himself from me right now. We missed our last counseling session because of a job-related emergency, but I don’t think he will go back to therapy. I really don’t have much else to say to the counselor. What do you think I should do? Thanks for all your imput.
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I am sorry u are going thru this …

Have you forgiven him? I didn’t say Forget, I said forgiven him?

Thru your anger have you shown him love?

The same love, God would show you, when you ask for his forgiveness?

If you choose to forgive, give him some hope, some kindness. Help him do right by you. Give him that chance. A chance not a test. There is a difference.

You have to decide what you want from him. Do you want him to feel the same pain you are feeling?

and/Or do you want happiness for the both of you?

We cannot change others actions we can only change our own.

But by changing our actions we can effect change in others.
 
He hasn’t asked for forgiveness, because in his mind, he says he did nothing wrong.
 
kage_ar said:
Peronies can be caused by injury or it can be spontaneous, it is very rare. I have never heard of a lap dance causing peronies.

Glad he stopped visiting strip clubs.

Is your husband a practicing Catholic?
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no
 
e3342 said:
no
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Your journey is going to be much more difficult if he is not getting strength from the Sacraments.

Get into some good counseling yourself, get tested for STDs and pray like crazy.
 
If the counselor hasn’t pointed at that what he’s doing is wrong because it hurt you, then you need to switch counselors… moral values aside, the husband should feel remorse for how he made you feel, regardless of his feelings on pornography/stripping.
 
He did express remorse for hurting me, just did not admit that what he did was wrong…
 
e3342 said:
He did express remorse for hurting me, just did not admit that what he did was wrong…
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You said your DH is not Catholic.

If he is some sort of Christian, some of these teach against porn and masturbation but, sadly, not all do (some groups teach that masturbation is a gift from God or that porn is okay for married people). Is he by chance in the group who teaches against porn and masturbation? Could you get an appt to speak with his minister?

If he is not Christian, just a secular, then, he will see nothing wrong with it because the world teaches this is normal.

Prayers!
 
e3342 said:
He did express remorse for hurting me, just did not admit that what he did was wrong…
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This may be the best you can get, then. As long as he understands, he doesn’t have to agree, if he’s not Catholic. Just because he doesn’t agree doesn’t mean he isn’t sorry for hurting you. I hope you guys can talk through it. hugs
 
I’m so sorry for your awful situation! Cheating in any form is awful and heart-breaking, and it is very difficult to build, or rebuild the trust afterwards. But remember that in 99% of cases, cheating is a symptom that something has been wrong in the relationship for a while. I’m glad your husband has expressed remorse for hurting you. Don’t overlook his remorse because it isn’t the kind you’re looking for. Imagine how much worse you would feel if he felt remorseful because he knew it was wrong, but felt nothing about how his actions affected you!

I know it’s hard, because when you’ve been hurt you really don’t want to make forgiveness and healing too easy for him, but don’t give into that feeling! Remember that Christ forgives us time after time for sins that hurt Him more than your husband could ever hurt you (it seems unbelieveable, I know, but it’s true); and forgive your husband as Christ forgives you. Also, think about why your husband felt the need to cheat. If you can ask him in a non-accusatory why, do so, if not, just look closely at yourself and your treatment of him.

(I am not saying that everytime a man or woman cheats it is the fault of that person’s spouse. I am not blaming you for his actions. We all have free will, we all have to make the decision to sin, I’m just saying that if you two are going to fix your marriage, you need to understand what went wrong, and look at your marriage in a balanced and honest way.)

Don’t wait for him to ask for forgiveness, don’t hold that over him and withhold love, kindness, and even respect. Behaviour like that will only drive him further away from you and away from the Chruch. You are the representative of the Church to him - either as loving and forgiving, or cold and accusatory.

I hope this helps. You have my prayers.
 
kage_ar said:
You said your DH is not Catholic.

If he is some sort of Christian, some of these teach against porn and masturbation but, sadly, not all do (some groups teach that masturbation is a gift from God or that porn is okay for married people). Is he by chance in the group who teaches against porn and masturbation? Could you get an appt to speak with his minister?

If he is not Christian, just a secular, then, he will see nothing wrong with it because the world teaches this is normal.

Prayers!
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He is a non-practicing Catholic
 
Rascalking said:
I never said I wouldn’t be emotionally devastated/crushed/hurt or the like by having that happen to me. I know I would be a wreck.

I agree with most of what you said, but it still doesn’t take away from what I said. Getting lap dances from strippers is a huge difference than having an in depth emotional and physical affair with someone. Notice also that I said both are wrong.

I don’t think that either warrant the ending of a 30 year marriage. Serial adulters (such as several long term in depth and physical and emotional affairs) do deserved to be divorced, but, once again, there is a night and day difference between them.
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I agree…
 
On going on the strip joint’s website forum, I have discovered that many of the patrons were receiving BJ’s, some, intercourse. This place was in the paper lately because the law is cracking down on them, making them put cameras in each stall. Now, I am starting to question why I saw no physical evidence after he came home.:confused: (If he kept his pants on as he said). I am leaving today, as I have the time this week in between my jobs, to spend some time alone at our vacation house. I have scheduled a women’s therapy session for myself next week. So, while I am at our other house, I want to read all the library books I got yesterday about men and cheating, survival, etc.
 
My dh went through that non-practicing phase and our marriage sufferred. We came very close to getting divorced and I even restraining order. I took him back on three conditions. 1) Get thee to mass and confession - this non-practicing had to go 2) Counseling -secular both individual and couples 3) this couple that was a negative influence on him was expelled. It was a simply a matter of being the woman house and saying,

“Hon, you took vows and you are supposed to be the spiritual head of this household but you have been making me do your job. I am bogged down and stressed out. Please get help so you can take this responsibility that you promised God you would do back from me. I love you.”
 
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