Should I talk to my parents

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JamesE24

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Hello. I have been looking around on these forums for quite awhile and have seen alot of really good advice. Now I need some, really bad.

I have had problems with masturbation and pornography for years. I’m 18 now. I go through the same cycle that it seems everyone who struggles with purity does, where I can go for a week or two without and then I indulge.

My question is, should I talk to my parents about it? I have never talked to anyone about it, except for priests. I know it would break my mom’s heart, because she is really holy, and since I am the youngest and have always kinda been spoiled by her, I know that she would take it really hard.

I am leaving for college in a few months and then I won’t be under their roof anymore, but I feel like I will have been lying to them about myself for years. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
 
Tough call here. I doubt it will hurt your mother’s feelings. If she is as holy as you say she is she will be the definition of compassion towards you and your struggles.

Sometimes telling people that you struggle with something works two ways, first you might get advice from them because, who knows, maybe they dealt with it themselves, and secondly, when you tell someone you struggle with something then you admit it to yourself more and become less likely to do it.

But ultimately telling your parents is up to you. If you feel it would help you in your struggle, then by all means go for it, but if you don’t think it will help you stop and will damage the relationship with your parents then don’t.

I highly doubt either of your parents would look at you differently. On the contrary, if I were a parent, I would feel honored that my child felt close enough to me to ask for help, especially with something of this nature.

Asking your parents to pray for you in your struggles might be a good way to open it up.
 
The only time I would tell my Mom is ten years from now, when I could tell her I used to have the problem a long time ago, but I have now over come it. Otherwise it’s your own personal business. Keep up the good fight!
 
JamesE24 said:
Hello. I have been looking around on these forums for quite awhile and have seen alot of really good advice. Now I need some, really bad.

I have had problems with masturbation and pornography for years. I’m 18 now. I go through the same cycle that it seems everyone who struggles with purity does, where I can go for a week or two without and then I indulge.

My question is, should I talk to my parents about it? I have never talked to anyone about it, except for priests. I know it would break my mom’s heart, because she is really holy, and since I am the youngest and have always kinda been spoiled by her, I know that she would take it really hard.

I am leaving for college in a few months and then I won’t be under their roof anymore, but I feel like I will have been lying to them about myself for years. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
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Hmmm… that would be up to you. I would first try www.pornnomore.com.
 
JamesE24 said:
Hello. I have been looking around on these forums for quite awhile and have seen alot of really good advice. Now I need some, really bad.

I have had problems with masturbation and pornography for years. I’m 18 now. I go through the same cycle that it seems everyone who struggles with purity does, where I can go for a week or two without and then I indulge.

My question is, should I talk to my parents about it? I have never talked to anyone about it, except for priests. I know it would break my mom’s heart, because she is really holy, and since I am the youngest and have always kinda been spoiled by her, I know that she would take it really hard.

I am leaving for college in a few months and then I won’t be under their roof anymore, but I feel like I will have been lying to them about myself for years. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
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If you have confessed to a priest, then you should confess to your parents.They are no less worthy of learning the truth, for like a priest, your parents do represent God in matters of morals, God Bless.

PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem
 
I will say that you are in no way obligated to tell them about this. That being said, I’m not trying to sway you either way. The choice is up to you. If you feel that you want to tell your parents this, and feel that you are ready to take any advice/words of wisdom you are given, then by all means do so…

(I’ve been struggling with this same issue, and my parents really have no idea. What I really need is someone who can hold me accountable and who I feel comfortable enough to talk about this with… Probably would’ve been a good idea for me to find someone this year in my first year of college 🤷)
 
JamesE24 said:
Hello. I have been looking around on these forums for quite awhile and have seen alot of really good advice. Now I need some, really bad.

I have had problems with masturbation and pornography for years. I’m 18 now. I go through the same cycle that it seems everyone who struggles with purity does, where I can go for a week or two without and then I indulge.

My question is, should I talk to my parents about it? I have never talked to anyone about it, except for priests. I know it would break my mom’s heart, because she is really holy, and since I am the youngest and have always kinda been spoiled by her, I know that she would take it really hard.

I am leaving for college in a few months and then I won’t be under their roof anymore, but I feel like I will have been lying to them about myself for years. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
Click to expand...
There’s no need to drop this on mom & dad. They may already know anyway. Remember, they were once 18 too. These things are something 99% or more of boys and men have done at one point in their lives. The vast majority of us still do this at least in occasion. In good church families, nobody wants to talk about it. Perhaps that’s the way it should be too. It’s a private matter. Is masturbation a sin? I would have to say that is probably is… just like overeating, or getting extremely drunk with your friends. It’s just that overeating and getting drunk is easier to avoid.

Here’s my brutally honest thoughts on this:
My personal opinion is that pornography can be much more harmful to the mind and soul than the occasional “wank” in a moment of weakness. Pornography has changed drastically with the advent of the internet. It has become violent, gross and degrading. Avoid pornography like the plague. Sex is not a spectator sport. If you MUST “wank”… skip the pornography. It’s toxic!

These are two separate behaviors. Pornography is actually pretty easy to avoid so stay away from it! Masturbation is a lot tougher. Do the best you can and don’t let yourself become consumed with guilt over it. Try to live a clean lifestyle and remember that God knows our struggles. Be at peace young man!

😉
 
DonLeon said:
If you have confessed to a priest, then you should confess to your parents.They are no less worthy of learning the truth, for like a priest, your parents do represent God in matters of morals, God Bless.

PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem
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He is an adult. His masturbation is absolutely NONE of his parents business. NONE! This is terrible advice and not only violates his privacy, but it violates healthy family boundaries.
 
He is an adult. His masturbation is absolutely NONE of his parents business. NONE! This is terrible advice and not only violates his privacy, but it violates healthy family boundaries.
Click to expand...
I never told my parents what I confessed to a priest. Not when I was a kid and went to confession (which wasn’t often), nor now either (which is far more often than I would like).
 
My son came to me with these same concerns recently, so I can give you the mom’s POV.

Was I surprised? Yes, especially since I thought I did “everything right” (computer in a public place, filters, “Theology of the Body For Teens”, etc.). Did I freak out? No. My son was so upset and ashamed that I had nothing but compassion for him.

We talked, I asked questions, and I explained my past experience with graphic “romance” novels :o . The next day, we drove 15 miles to a Carmelite Monastery/shrine for Confession.

Has he slipped since then? Yes, but he just asks me to take him to Confession and I do, no questions asked (Opus Dei priest give some wonderful advice).

Am I glad that my son told me? Yes, because my son was being consumed with guilt and shame. Now that it’s all in the open, he can deal with it head on and I can pray for him. We’ve also become closer as a result and I trust him more (had I caught him, I think I would feel differently).

You don’t have to tell your parents, but if you feel God calling you to tell them, don’t be afraid. If you have a close relationship with them, I’m sure that after the initial shock wears off they’ll have compassion for your struggles and will be supportive.

MB
 
JamesE24 said:
Hello. I have been looking around on these forums for quite awhile and have seen alot of really good advice. Now I need some, really bad.

I have had problems with masturbation and pornography for years. I’m 18 now. I go through the same cycle that it seems everyone who struggles with purity does, where I can go for a week or two without and then I indulge.

My question is, should I talk to my parents about it? I have never talked to anyone about it, except for priests. I know it would break my mom’s heart, because she is really holy, and since I am the youngest and have always kinda been spoiled by her, I know that she would take it really hard.

I am leaving for college in a few months and then I won’t be under their roof anymore, but I feel like I will have been lying to them about myself for years. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
Click to expand...
James. Every woman in your life will take this very hard. But the pain can be lessend if you stop today and repent in all seriousness.
The fact is that every time you look at porn you are cheating on your future bride, you are ruining your innocence (yes, also your virginity) and you are causing harm to your future marriage. One day you will have to tell your princess what you have been doing and on that day every single day that has passed since your sin will matter.
I know that because I am a young woman myself and I have found that pornography is the sin in a guys past that is far the hardest to cope with… simply incomrehensible how a good Catholic guy can indulge in such degrading perversion… It’s not like he has a girl friend who he loves and then gets so close with her in human attraction that he loses control… that is something Christian women can also understand, but pornography is simply use and simply adding money to cooperations that totally destroy the souls and bodies of people who are already destroyed. A HUGE amount of people in the sex business have been raped repeatedly in their childhood. Every time you look at one of these woman and pay to watch her humiliate herself and get screw*d you further the molestation of more individuals. You further the continuous rape of souls and minds.
Always ask your self: "Would I like to see my future spouse in these movies… or how would I like to see my mother in such a movie… or my future son or daughter… and yes, that could in the future be your own kid, if you dont start by changing your own life.
As a reality check, daily think about your future spouse… I am not married myself but I would be absolutely devastated if I knew my future husband was indulging in pornography… Think about what qualities you would like to find in the woman you will marry… she is out there right now… what should she do tonight… watch porn, go stripping, get dead drunk and sleep with a stranger…? I am pretty sure you prefer a woman who is a virgin or who is at least living a chaste life in preparation to meeting you.
Also, practically I advice you to go to webpages where family members of porn addicts and former sex-industry women speak about the horror of that business and how it has destroyed their lives… some of them HATE men,. imagine that.
here is but one page out of many. These people have been saved by Jesus from the customers of sexindustry, both those who make the movies and those who buy them:
christianforums.com/f550/
But I have also seen fora where wives and girlfriends spoke about living with a porn-addict. Some of these women were so broken down and had lost all their self confidence… even some had considered suicide. I dont think you know what you do to women when you do this stuff… Some people in the modern culture don’t see this because they are hardened and blinded but you cannot go on with this. You are degrading your self, and acting like an animal. Get out of your house… get rid of your computer… do whatever it takes.
Lastly I would say: Don’t tell your mom. Yes. I will break her heart. Don’t. Just stop the destructive behaviour before it damages you any further.

Peace to you.
 
TLM08 said:
There’s no need to drop this on mom & dad. They may already know anyway. Remember, they were once 18 too. These things are something 99% or more of boys and men have done at one point in their lives. The vast majority of us still do this at least in occasion. In good church families, nobody wants to talk about it. Perhaps that’s the way it should be too. It’s a private matter. Is masturbation a sin? I would have to say that is probably is… just like overeating, or getting extremely drunk with your friends. It’s just that overeating and getting drunk is easier to avoid.

Here’s my brutally honest thoughts on this:
My personal opinion is that pornography can be much more harmful to the mind and soul than the occasional “wank” in a moment of weakness. Pornography has changed drastically with the advent of the internet. It has become violent, gross and degrading. Avoid pornography like the plague. Sex is not a spectator sport. If you MUST “wank”… skip the pornography. It’s toxic!

These are two separate behaviors. Pornography is actually pretty easy to avoid so stay away from it! Masturbation is a lot tougher. Do the best you can and don’t let yourself become consumed with guilt over it. Try to live a clean lifestyle and remember that God knows our struggles. Be at peace young man!

😉
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This is great advice!

Keep in mind also that there are medications that lessen the libido. They are available through a psychiatrist. I’m on an anti-depressant called Lexapro which also drastically reduced my libido. Not engaging in sex is easy for me now. I don’t miss it one bit. My psychiatrist said that he often prescribes certain anti-depressants to his patients seeking a lessening of the libido.My psychiatrist also said that such medications are prescribed for premature ejaculation.
 
Should you talk to your mother about this? Absolutely–but the mother you should be talking to is the Blessed Mother. After all, she is ever virgin, ever chaste.

The moment a lustful thought begins to cross your mind, block it with a Hail Mary. If the thought comes back, block it with another Hail Mary. Repeat as often as necessary.

If you slip up, go to Confession.
 
TLM08 said:
He is an adult. His masturbation is absolutely NONE of his parents business. NONE! This is terrible advice and not only violates his privacy, but it violates healthy family boundaries.
Click to expand...
Sorry, but I don’t think so. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but letting one’s parents
know removes a tremendous burden and guilt, adult or not!

PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem
 
I won’t say you should necessarily tell your parents, though that is among your options. Instead, I will suggest you find someone to share this with who will hold you accountable for your failings. This may be a parent, a spiritual director, a priest, or a good friend. Especially for porn, there are many programs you can install on your computer that will send periodic updates to a friend/accountability partner’s E-mail address with a list of sites you have visited. This type of program helps you to realize that your sins are not secret. They never are, as God knows all, but it’s easy to forget that when you don’t have someone on Earth to hold you accountable. Simply knowing someone will know when you indulge in the behavior and call you out on it can be an immense relief.

If you have a relationship with one or both of your parents that can support you in your endeavor of change and self-mastery, I encourage you to share with them so they can aid you in your journey. If you don’t, find someone who can give you that support. Sometimes the idea of hurting God or your future spouse just isn’t material enough to encourage you. Find something that is. 🙂

Good Luck! You are in my prayers. :tiphat:
 
DonLeon said:
Sorry, but I don’t think so. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but letting one’s parents
know removes a tremendous burden and guilt, adult or not!

PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem
Click to expand...
Unless criminal behavior or serious addiction is involved, older teens and young adults should not feel compelled to confess their private masturbatory behaviors with mom and dad… Period! This violates personal boundaries and is creepy.

Let’s reverse it… How would you like it if your dad (or mom) came to you and said he has been looking at porn and masturbating? It’s just simply NOT something you want to hear!

If this is bothering him, he should discuss it with his priest or perhaps a trusted older male relative. Obviously if dad happens to walk in and catch him in the act, perhaps then it would be of great help to go ahead and let him know about this particular weakness.
 
TLM08 said:
Unless criminal behavior or serious addiction is involved, older teens and young adults should not feel compelled to confess their private masturbatory behaviors with mom and dad… Period! This violates personal boundaries and is creepy.

Let’s reverse it… How would you like it if your dad (or mom) came to you and said he has been looking at porn and masturbating? It’s just simply NOT something you want to hear!

If this is bothering him, he should discuss it with his priest or perhaps a trusted older male relative. Obviously if dad happens to walk in and catch him in the act, perhaps then it would be of great help to go ahead and let him know about this particular weakness.
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I guess our experiences gives us different moral values and ideas. I still disagree with you.

PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem
 
You could, although it might be pretty uncomfortable. It would be one thing if it were a one-shot deal and the confession was out, but you’re looking at a long road of accountability ahead of you. It might be more easily taken up by someone who
  1. has struggled with the sin before
  2. approximates your age range (give 10-15 years or so)
  3. is a religious leader of some sort who councils exclusively on such problems
 
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