Should I Tell Her Parents??

[lovedance4ever]

For the past seven years, I have been babysitting for three children. During this time, I have become extremely close to the family. The kids consider me to be a “big sister” and their parents have even referred to me as their “adopted daughter.”

The oldest (who I will refer to as Emily) does not need to be babysat anymore, as she is 15 going on 16. However, I feel as if I still have a certain amount of responsibility for her, and I know her parents still believe that I have authority over her when we go out.

Emily is friends with several guys who live out of town. And over the past several years during their friendship, she has developed some habits I know her parents would not like. She uses vulgarities (not continually, but enough), and has a knoweldge of sexual activity far beyond what her parents would like her to know. She comes from a lovely, devout Catholic family, and I know they would be livid if they found out. Emily is a good girl, do not get me wrong. She is responsible in many ways and I love her to death, but I feel like things are escalating.

She and her family are currently out of town on a trip, where they met up with this particular family of guys. Well, Emily sent me a text last night saying that one of the guys kissed her on the lips…numerous times. She said she “kinda liked it,” and “kinda likes him.”

I do not know what to do. Her parents have said that that there is to be no dating until the age 18. Is it my place to step in and tell them what is going on? Kissing is one thing, but I am concerned that it could turn into more. The real kicker is that the guy who kissed her is coming to stay with Emily and her family this summer. Her parents have NO idea that anything of the sort is going on.

Should I tell them? Parents, what would you want your babysitter to do in this case?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

For the past seven years, I have been babysitting for three children. During this time, I have become extremely close to the family. The kids consider me to be a “big sister” and their parents have even referred to me as their “adopted daughter.”

The oldest (who I will refer to as Emily) does not need to be babysat anymore, as she is 15 going on 16. However, I feel as if I still have a certain amount of responsibility for her, and I know her parents still believe that I have authority over her when we go out.

Emily is friends with several guys who live out of town. And over the past several years during their friendship, she has developed some habits I know her parents would not like. She uses vulgarities (not continually, but enough), **and has a knoweldge of sexual activity far beyond what her parents would like her to know. **

I would just like to focus on that part. What does that mean? Before I finished reading your whole post, I thought it meant that she was engaged in sexual activity. However, after reading your whole post, it becomes apparent that she is not engaged in such activity. So what, specifically, does that mean? It does not sound too objectionable, IMO.

She and her family are currently out of town on a trip, where they met up with this particular family of guys. Well, Emily sent me a text last night saying that one of the guys kissed her on the lips…numerous times. She said she “kinda liked it,” and “kinda likes him.”

She’s almost 16 years old. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, quite frankly.

She told you about the kiss in confidence, right? I would not reveal it. It is not necessarily sinful (more than likely it wasn’t sinful). I would not violate her trust unless you had a compelling reason. This does not sound like a compelling reason.

I do not know what to do. Her parents have said that that there is to be no dating until the age 18. Is it my place to step in and tell them what is going on?

I’m not one of those people that gets upset with others for “tattling.” I believe in tattling. It’s often a good thing.

Just not always. And this sounds like one of those situations where it will just stir up drama and cause trouble for everyone involved without much of a tangible benefit.

Kissing is one thing, but I am concerned that it could turn into more. ]

Anything could turn into more. She has probably not even sinned. She has not suggested that she is preparing to engage in pre-marital sex, nor that she was even thinking about it. She “kinda liked” a kiss on the lips. That’s a far cry from sex.

What if she simply revealed to you that she had a crush on a boy, would that be actionable? I hope you would say no…

The real kicker is that the guy who kissed her is coming to stay with Emily and her family this summer. Her parents have NO idea that anything of the sort is going on.

“Anything of this sort” in this case being an innocent peck on the lips that she “kinda liked.”

I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I apologize if it comes off that way. But yeah, I wouldn’t say anything.

As far as having him sleep over, you’re talking about a Catholic family that doesn’t even want their daughter to date until she’s a full-grown adult, so I would count on them to monitor the situation appropriately.

 

[PatriceA]

Why can’t you talk to Emily about your concerns? Seems to me she trusts you and you have a certain influence on her. If you go to her parents with your concerns, Emily will never confide in you again. You could be a great Catholic witness to Emily, this is a perfect opportunity to be an example of chastity and modesty to a young girl that seems to need it. You have a better chance of reaching her now as her “big sister” than if you tattle on her to her parents.

 

[Allegra]

For the past seven years, I have been babysitting for three children. During this time, I have become extremely close to the family. The kids consider me to be a “big sister” and their parents have even referred to me as their “adopted daughter.”

The oldest (who I will refer to as Emily) does not need to be babysat anymore, as she is 15 going on 16. However, I feel as if I still have a certain amount of responsibility for her, and I know her parents still believe that I have authority over her when we go out.

Emily is friends with several guys who live out of town. And over the past several years during their friendship, she has developed some habits I know her parents would not like. She uses vulgarities (not continually, but enough), and has a knoweldge of sexual activity far beyond what her parents would like her to know. She comes from a lovely, devout Catholic family, and I know they would be livid if they found out. Emily is a good girl, do not get me wrong. She is responsible in many ways and I love her to death, but I feel like things are escalating.

She and her family are currently out of town on a trip, where they met up with this particular family of guys. Well, Emily sent me a text last night saying that one of the guys kissed her on the lips…numerous times. She said she “kinda liked it,” and “kinda likes him.”

I do not know what to do. Her parents have said that that there is to be no dating until the age 18. Is it my place to step in and tell them what is going on? Kissing is one thing, but I am concerned that it could turn into more. The real kicker is that the guy who kissed her is coming to stay with Emily and her family this summer. Her parents have NO idea that anything of the sort is going on.

Should I tell them? Parents, what would you want your babysitter to do in this case?

I think you could find a way to expess to the parents the wisdom of not allowing a teenage boy to stay in the same house as their teenage daughter for the summer without betraying Emiliy’s trust. I’m surprised, based on your description of these parents, that they would need this explained to them in the first place.

 

[MaryT777]

I also find it innocent and no way to do so without betraying her trust.

I agree the parents should be the ones to monitor the situation where a young man stays overnight.

 

[stlcatholic86]

Why can’t you talk to Emily about your concerns? Seems to me she trusts you and you have a certain influence on her. If you go to her parents with your concerns, Emily will never confide in you again. You could be a great Catholic witness to Emily, this is a perfect opportunity to be an example of chastity and modesty to a young girl that seems to need it. You have a better chance of reaching her now as her “big sister” than if you tattle on her to her parents.

Honestly, if you have serious concerns address them with her. I think going to the parents is going to just start unnecessary drama. At this point nobody has done anything wrong or sinful.

In addition, I don’t think its necessary to approach the family to tell them it is unwise to have this boy to stay over this summer, without at least knowing more to the reason why he is spending the summer.

 

[aspirant]

Why can’t you talk to Emily about your concerns? Seems to me she trusts you and you have a certain influence on her. If you go to her parents with your concerns, Emily will never confide in you again. You could be a great Catholic witness to Emily, this is a perfect opportunity to be an example of chastity and modesty to a young girl that seems to need it. You have a better chance of reaching her now as her “big sister” than if you tattle on her to her parents.

Honestly, if you have serious concerns address them with her… At this point nobody has done anything wrong or sinful.

I agree with all of this.

 

[Anglewannabe]

, and has a knoweldge of sexual activity far beyond what her parents would like her to know.

I too find this an odd statement. By 15, I would be very concerned if a child did not know where babies really come from. Also, I think it is old enough to know what activities are permitted by the church and which ones aren’t without any detail being omitted.

First, I would ask Emily if her parents know about this kiss. If she says ‘no’, then I would explain to her that just because she thinks it is fun, boys see it differently. I would explain to her how she is turning these guys on and they will want more and not stop at anything to get what they want. Not in a way that makes boys seem like pigs but in a way that explains how God created them and they deserve to not be teased.

Then I would explain that as a adult, I have a duty to tell her parents if it appears she is going down the wrong path. In the future, she needs to know anything she tells you will probably be repeated to her parents

But do NOT tell this time. Warn her first

Angie

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I too find this an odd statement. By 15, I would be very concerned if a child did not know where babies really come from. Also, I think it is old enough to know what activities are permitted by the church and which ones aren’t without any detail being omitted.

First, I would ask Emily if her parents know about this kiss. If she says ‘no’, then I would explain to her that just because she thinks it is fun, boys see it differently. I would explain to her how she is turning these guys on and they will want more and not stop at anything to get what they want. Not in a way that makes boys seem like pigs but in a way that explains how God created them and they deserve to not be teased.

Then I would explain that as a adult, I have a duty to tell her parents if it appears she is going down the wrong path. In the future, she needs to know anything she tells you will probably be repeated to her parents

But do NOT tell this time. Warn her first

Angie

What opinion do you hold of males that you think that if you kiss one they will “stop at nothing” to get more?

 

[stlcatholic86]

I too find this an odd statement. By 15, I would be very concerned if a child did not know where babies really come from. Also, I think it is old enough to know what activities are permitted by the church and which ones aren’t without any detail being omitted.

First, I would ask Emily if her parents know about this kiss. If she says ‘no’, then I would explain to her that just because she thinks it is fun, boys see it differently. I would explain to her how she is turning these guys on and they will want more and not stop at anything to get what they want. Not in a way that makes boys seem like pigs but in a way that explains how God created them and they deserve to not be teased.

Then I would explain that as a adult, I have a duty to tell her parents if it appears she is going down the wrong path. In the future, she needs to know anything she tells you will probably be repeated to her parents

But do NOT tell this time. Warn her first

Angie

Angie I think you have well meaning intentions, but I don’t think this is good advice.

Nobody has done anything wrong at this point and I certainly don’t think parents need to be informed every time their child kisses someone. I also don’t think its appropriate to suggest that boys are all about sex and that women encourage this activity. This has a really bad message about sex. For one it assumes that boys don’t wish to be honorable or celibate (I get it boys talk about sex a lot, but talk and reality are two different things) and second it puts the responsibility of any further action on the encouragement of girls.

I can pretty much guarantee if you tell her that if she tells you anymore details you will tell her parents she will never confide anything with you again. I think she truly looks up to you as a big sister she can confide too either you can continue to give her guidance or risk that by telling her parents. In the end, it is her journey to make the appropriate decisions.

 

[Aggies08]

At 16, I think you should address your concerns with her, then re-evaluate the situation.

 

[Bill_Martin]

I think you should talk directly to her about your concerns and encourage her to talk to her parents. At 16, she should be taking more and more responsibility for her actions and should be able to confront her parents on her own about such issues. If you two have a good relationship, she may be inclined to genuinely listen to you, and that will probably be more effective coming from a friend than a parent.

 

[Anglewannabe]

What opinion do you hold of males that you think that if you kiss one they will “stop at nothing” to get more?

The opinion it is not nice for a girl to tease a guy and unless there is communication before hand, a girl would be a fool to think a boy would stop there

 

[Anglewannabe]

Angie I think you have well meaning intentions, but I don’t think this is good advice.

Nobody has done anything wrong at this point and I certainly don’t think parents need to be informed every time their child kisses someone. I also don’t think its appropriate to suggest that boys are all about sex and that women encourage this activity. This has a really bad message about sex. For one it assumes that boys don’t wish to be honorable or celibate (I get it boys talk about sex a lot, but talk and reality are two different things) and second it puts the responsibility of any further action on the encouragement of girls.

I can pretty much guarantee if you tell her that if she tells you anymore details you will tell her parents she will never confide anything with you again. I think she truly looks up to you as a big sister she can confide too either you can continue to give her guidance or risk that by telling her parents. In the end, it is her journey to make the appropriate decisions.

I agree the OP should not tell the parents about a simple kiss. However, the OP should not lead this girl to believe everything she tells her is confidential. If ever things escalate to the point the OP does need to tell the parents the girl will feel betrayed. The OP needs to be upfront and say not everything will be kept confidential.

Also, I think it is a very dangerous position to be in where a teenage girl confides what happens in her love life to the OP. I think it is good that this girl no longer confides in the OP.

The sad truth is a lot of teenage boys are all about sex. I think it is wise to warn teenage girls to choose very carefully the boys she associates with

Angie

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The opinion it is not nice for a girl to tease a guy and unless there is communication before hand, a girl would be a fool to think a boy would stop there

I’m sorry that you’ve had such negative experiences with men, but many of us on this board have known or even are males that are much better than the people you are describing.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

At 16, she should be taking more and more responsibility for her actions and should be able to confront her parents on her own about such issues.

Confront her parents about what?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I agree the OP should not tell the parents about a simple kiss. However, the OP should not lead this girl to believe everything she tells her is confidential. If ever things escalate to the point the OP does need to tell the parents the girl will feel betrayed. The OP needs to be upfront and say not everything will be kept confidential.

Also, I think it is a very dangerous position to be in where a teenage girl confides what happens in her love life to the OP. I think it is good that this girl no longer confides in the OP

Why? Who should she be confiding in?

The sad truth is a lot of teenage boys are all about sex. I think it is wise to warn teenage girls to choose very carefully the boys she associates with

Angie

As a guy, I’d be lying if I told you my hormones weren’t driving me wild in my teens. I’m sure that is the case for most teenage boys. It’s true that teenage girls should be careful about picking which boys to associate, however, there doesn’t seem to be anything objectionable about this boy. In fact, since he’s staying with the parents in the summer, I think it’s safe to say that they like him. Which is not to say he can do no wrong, but I’m definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt so far based on the story.

 

[sojo]

You know, I wasn’t permitted to date one on one until I was 16. At that time, I had a fairly nice supply of dates with boys, both first and multiple dates. Of course, all my dates had to meet Mom and Dad first, and I’m sure my mother did a fair bit of research through her huge supply of friends who had kids in the same school. And my clothing and make-up was all run by a very strict mother.

In nearly every date, we exchanged a short, chaste kiss at the end. For those more serious, maybe more lingering, maybe a second peck. Not one of those many young boys attempted to bed me. This was in the “Peace and Love” 1970s, for goodness sake!

Good girls pick good boys. Oh, one or two were wrong choices altogether, and they might have reached for a pat here or there, but I swatted them away and refused any more dates. There was no further attacks.

I’m just really sorry to see people have such impressions that all young boys are unable to control their impulses. If a young woman dresses fairly modestly and behaves like a lady, she will attract nice young men. If a woman keeps attracting creeps, she might want to assess what she is doing to attract them!

I’m impressed that this family raised a 16 year old girl who’s first introduction to the world of boys seems to be a kiss. At 16! After all the news of sexting and promiscuous sex starting in elementary school, this young woman sounds strikingly courageous! And to share it with an older sister type caregiver… that shows a lot of maturity.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Why? Who should she be confiding in?

As a guy, I’d be lying if I told you my hormones weren’t driving me wild in my teens. I’m sure that is the case for most teenage boys. It’s true that teenage girls should be careful about picking which boys to associate, however, there doesn’t seem to be anything objectionable about this boy. In fact, since he’s staying with the parents in the summer, I think it’s safe to say that they like him. Which is not to say he can do no wrong, but I’m definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt so far based on the story.

As a girl be lying if I said that my hormones weren’t driving me as a teenager. It’s the nature of the age group. But hormones don’t make people, even teens, robotic, unfeeling, sexual sociopaths.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m sorry that you’ve had such negative experiences with men, but many of us on this board have known or even are males that are much better than the people you are describing.

I never had any negative experience with men. Perhaps I should explain more fully. I think that some very well intentioned teenage boys are not aware how strong their feelings can become in the heat of the moment. The boy is probably starting out with very noble intentions. But if it is his first kiss or time making out and his urges take hold, in the temptation of the moment he may not be thinking clearly. He may not have even seen his strong feelings coming

I do not think the boy is bad. I think he was created by God with strong urges that could shock him. And I think girls need to be aware that boys urges can be a lot stronger than theirs and be careful.