Should I Tell Her Parents??

[Anglewannabe]

Trusted adults do not enjoy the protection of the seal of confession–well, unless of course they actually are confessors–and it isn’t out of place for them to say so as soon as it becomes clear that they’re going to be used as a confidante. .

Thank you for seeing my point. I don’t think that just because a teen wants a confidante, all adults have to do it. Adults do have a right to set boundaries

 

[Anglewannabe]

lovedance4ever;10595182:

Her parents have asked me to keep an eye on her, and to report back to them if anything against their rules happens…

I am just very concerned and trying to figure out if this is something that they would want to know.

By the way you have described the parents, I believe this is definitely something they would like to know. If they don’t even want a 16 year old to know about sex, they definitely do not want her kissing a boy.

I am not saying I am agreeing with the parents. But I do feel that when you take on the responsibility of someone else’s kid, you have to enforce their rules case closed.

Whether you tell the parents or not about this is up to you. However, I would tell Emily you don’t think her parents want her kissing boys and if she continues you will tell.

Of course Emily will just learn to do it behind her parents and your backs. Not ideal but, you do need to protect yourself.

Honestly, I do have to wonder about the parents. Did they seriously think a 16 year old would never have heard about sex?

 

[lovedance4ever]

Thank you all so much for commenting! You really have helped me put this situation into perspective and I feel less panicked.

It has been and is difficult to make a decision in this case, because quite often my views and Emily’s parents’ views clash. My parents explained sex to me when I was eleven years old, and I personally find it ridiculous that Emily’s parents have decided not to talk to her about it. However, I enforce their rules when I am in charge, and try to set a good example for their children. They have also asked me to tell them if any goes on that they would dissaprove of.

Well, I think they would be livid…actually, there is not a word in the dictionary that would describe their reaction to their daughter kissing a boy. And the more I think about it, and the more I write about it, the more I believe that you are all correct. I should keep my mouth shut unless I see a real threat. There is no use in stirring up trouble, anger and fighting.

Thanks again for helping me sort out all of my thoughts. I know I sounded flustered in my first post; Emily had just told me what happened, and I began panicking and wondering if her parents would want to know.

I sent Emily a text and said that her parents would not be pleased with her actions, and that she should try to not let him kiss her again. She seemed okay with my message (we are extremely open with each other), but I will know for sure how we stand when she comes home from her trip and I get to see her in person. Some of you suggested that I explain to her that I have a duty to speak with her parents if I see things getting out of hand, and I think that is what I will do. Very good advice.

God bless!

 

[shainski]

I just came up on this thread - but i want to concur with Patrice.

My kids are still young, but I would thankful if a trusted adult were to be there for them during their teen years if there are issues that they just can’t come to their parents about. I think that many teens do not confide in their parents about everything they do. (I know i didn’t). I think it is unreasonable to think that they will.

Whether the issue is about sex or drugs or bullying or just feeling pressure to perform at a level that they don’t feel capable of - or even that they tell you that they are worried that a friend is talking about suicide, kids may need a little guidance. And they may just feel that their parents do not understand them or their pressures - or whatever.

However, if you take on that role, you also take on the responsibility. If you truly feel that the teen is headed in a direction of peril, then you have to figure out when to intercede - and when you have to bring the parents into it - or when to tell that teen - “You know, I have your best interest at heart - but I can’t keep this kind of thing from your parents. It would be better coming from you, but they have to know.”.

What you describe so far - doesn’t seem to rise to that level. Even though you feel that the parents wouldn’t approve, it doesn’t directly fall under the area that they expect your leadership. And, you, being close to the situation, don’t see it as an imminent threat with your own judgment.

I commend you on your own maturity. May I ask how old you are? (Since you describe your self as akin to their older sister, I suspect that you are barely a young adult. As such, you are probably all too familiar with the way that teens think and talk)

 

[Kal2012]

As a parent, I would like to know, just as a heads up.

Not because I’d want to punish her, but so that I’m not surprised if the situation elevates into something more if the boy and the girl are in the same house and spending a lot of time together over the summer.

I would be more upset that I wasn’t able to talk this through with my spouse before the summer then have the kids go “surprise! we’ve been “liking” each other for a while now and we are going to be spending all summer together in the same house”. Uh - when did that happen? Why are we just hearing about this now?

I’m kind of surprised that my opinion is the minority opinion.

I don’t think the girl did anything wrong, but I also don’t want to be in the complete dark as to what’s going on in my kid’s life. What about respect for the parents? It would be one thing if the boy wasn’t spending the summer at the house, but the fact is that he is. That changes the dynamic.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I just came up on this thread - but i want to concur with Patrice.

My kids are still young, but I would thankful if a trusted adult were to be there for them during their teen years if there are issues that they just can’t come to their parents about. I think that many teens do not confide in their parents about everything they do. (I know i didn’t). I think it is unreasonable to think that they will.

Whether the issue is about sex or drugs or bullying or just feeling pressure to perform at a level that they don’t feel capable of - or even that they tell you that they are worried that a friend is talking about suicide, kids may need a little guidance. And they may just feel that their parents do not understand them or their pressures - or whatever.

However, if you take on that role, you also take on the responsibility. If you truly feel that the teen is headed in a direction of peril, then you have to figure out when to intercede - and when you have to bring the parents into it - or when to tell that teen - “You know, I have your best interest at heart - but I can’t keep this kind of thing from your parents. It would be better coming from you, but they have to know.”.

What you describe so far - doesn’t seem to rise to that level. Even though you feel that the parents wouldn’t approve, it doesn’t directly fall under the area that they expect your leadership. And, you, being close to the situation, don’t see it as an imminent threat with your own judgment.

I commend you on your own maturity. May I ask how old you are? (Since you describe your self as akin to their older sister, I suspect that you are barely a young adult. As such, you are probably all too familiar with the way that teens think and talk)

Thank you very much for your kind response! I am nineteen.

 

[aspirant]

A trusted adult is someone that the teen trusts, not someone hired by the school district.

I personally see nothing wrong with a 16 year old knowing about sex. Her parents have never explained it to her, nor did they intend to do so. Emily learned about sex through her discussions with her out of town guy friends…not an ideal way to learn about the “facts of life,” IMO.

The depth of parents’ denial never ceases to amaze and frustrate me.

 

[PatriceA]

As a parent, I would like to know, just as a heads up.

Not because I’d want to punish her, but so that I’m not surprised if the situation elevates into something more if the boy and the girl are in the same house and spending a lot of time together over the summer.

I would be more upset that I wasn’t able to talk this through with my spouse before the summer then have the kids go “surprise! we’ve been “liking” each other for a while now and we are going to be spending all summer together in the same house”. Uh - when did that happen? Why are we just hearing about this now?

I’m kind of surprised that my opinion is the minority opinion.

I don’t think the girl did anything wrong, but I also don’t want to be in the complete dark as to what’s going on in my kid’s life. What about respect for the parents? It would be one thing if the boy wasn’t spending the summer at the house, but the fact is that he is. That changes the dynamic.

I think the problem that has emerged is that the parents are in a state of denial. They won’t even explain sex to the daughter. I have a suspicion that if the OP were to tell the parents what was going on they would overreact and I really do think the daughter would be punished. Obviously these parents are in the dark with what is happening in their child’s life, I think the parents are in the dark about a lot of things in this situation. I think they’ve convinced themselves they are in total control of everything that is happening by keeping the daughter in the dark about sex, boys and dating until she is 18 years old. That is a huge red flag for me, I think this girl is headed down a very dangerous path due to the parents and their controlling nature. This girl isn’t going to have a clue once she turns 18 and I sure do hope she’s not going away to college before she is allowed to begin any kind of sex education or she doesn’t end up pregnant…or worse, sexual abused.

 

[Kamaduck]

Trusted adults do not enjoy the protection of the seal of confession–well, unless of course they actually are confessors–and it isn’t out of place for them to say so as soon as it becomes clear that they’re going to be used as a confidante. It is also not out of place for a sitter to ask the parents, in a theoretical way, what they expect of someone who is in their employment and placed in authority over a teen. Do the parents expect that the adult will pass on information or do the parents expect that their child need adults to talk to, and that the seriousness of things they come to be aware of has to be fairly high before the parents are told? Is the teen even under the authority of the adult, or is the sitter simply making sure that the house is not used by the teen for inappropriate entertaining? Or? This is also the time for the sitter to draw her own boundaries and say what she will and won’t do for the daughter or for the parents, whether she’s paid or not, because her own integrity and her own boundaries have to come first.

It is OK for the OP to tell the teen, “Listen, I’m not just any friend of the family. Your parents pay me to keep an eye on you. I need to talk to them about what they expect of me, and then I can let you know what secrets I can and cannot keep, both for your parents’ sake and because of my own sense of what my duties towards you are.” That is the only situation that is fair to everyone involved, including the one caught in the middle. It could be, however, that the parents will want this person to simply listen and reply to their daughter’s confidences directly to the daughter, and not to be their investigator. Still, just by virtue of the daughter’s age, it is time for everyone to be on the same page, to lay the principles down.

What you describe is different than what Angelwannabe was describing. Saying that not everything will always be kept secret is different than encouraging the teen not to confide at all. I’d be fine with an adult saying “I will tell your parents if I think it will help them protect you.” That is different than saying “I can’t help you.”

I agree that an adult should say what their limits are ahead of time. What I absolutely don’t want is for adults to push teens away as an automatic self-defense measure.

I am glad this thread has helped the OP to decide what to do.

I really don’t see how anybody can expect a 16-year-old to have no interest in the opposite sex, but that’s a topic for another time.

 

[EasterJoy]

What you describe is different than what Angelwannabe was describing. Saying that not everything will always be kept secret is different than encouraging the teen not to confide at all. I’d be fine with an adult saying “I will tell your parents if I think it will help them protect you.” That is different than saying “I can’t help you.”

I agree that an adult should say what their limits are ahead of time. What I absolutely don’t want is for adults to push teens away as an automatic self-defense measure.

I am glad this thread has helped the OP to decide what to do.

I really don’t see how anybody can expect a 16-year-old to have no interest in the opposite sex, but that’s a topic for another time.

Yes, I agree with you. Let me clarify what I was saying. The OP does not need to do everything that she thinks the parents want her to do. If she has not told them she’ll even sell her integrity to keep them happy and keep a paycheck coming her way, if they have not told her “we expect you to tell us thus-and-so” and she has not agreed to it, then she does not have to submit herself to unspoken expectations that cross what she believes to be the boundaries of prudence. She should not feel guilty about that.

Having said that, I think her young friend deserves honest feedback, including feedback that sometimes merely says, “I don’t think that would be wise”, but sometimes also says “not only would that be unwise, that would be so dangerous for you to do that if you insist on doing it, you’d force me to let your parents know, and I do not want to be put into that position”.

If she is stuck in a very bad position, she could also go this route, “Listen. I need this job and your parents forced me to promise to tell them if I ever found out about anything in the direction that you are implying. Still, I think you need someone to talk to about this. Let me help you find that someone, so that I can both help you and yet not lie to your parents.” I don’t think she is there yet, though. I think she has room to keep her mouth shut without betraying any promises to the parents, and I don’t think they have the right to expect her to betray anything but the most serious situations with their daughter.

 

[Kamaduck]

Yes, I agree with you. Let me clarify what I was saying. The OP does not need to do everything that she thinks the parents want her to do. If she has not told them she’ll even sell her integrity to keep them happy and keep a paycheck coming her way, if they have not told her “we expect you to tell us thus-and-so” and she has not agreed to it, then she does not have to submit herself to unspoken expectations that cross what she believes to be the boundaries of prudence. She should not feel guilty about that.

Having said that, I think her young friend deserves honest feedback, including feedback that sometimes merely says, “I don’t think that would be wise”, but sometimes also says “not only would that be unwise, that would be so dangerous for you to do that if you insist on doing it, you’d force me to let your parents know, and I do not want to be put into that position”.

If she is stuck in a very bad position, she could also go this route, “Listen. I need this job and your parents forced me to promise to tell them if I ever found out about anything in the direction that you are implying. Still, I think you need someone to talk to about this. Let me help you find that someone, so that I can both help you and yet not lie to your parents.” I don’t think she is there yet, though. I think she has room to keep her mouth shut without betraying any promises to the parents, and I don’t think they have the right to expect her to betray anything but the most serious situations with their daughter.

Yes, I agree.

I think the first priority should be protecting and helping the teen. If that is being done, I see no problem with setting boundaries, and it is best to be as honest as possible with all parties (without betraying trust or harming the teen or the adult confidant).

 

[maryjk]

Having said that, I think her young friend deserves honest feedback, including feedback that sometimes merely says, “I don’t think that would be wise”, but sometimes also says “not only would that be unwise, that would be so dangerous for you to do that if you insist on doing it, you’d force me to let your parents know, and I do not want to be put into that position”.

Exactly.

I have told one teen that is at risk for running away, if you feel the need to run, run to me. I WILL tell your guardians where you are, but I will also try to work out what the problem is with them. And with their permission, you can stay here as long as you need to. Her guardians and I have also discussed it. They feel it is better for her to be here than out in the world somewhere.

 

[EasterJoy]

Exactly.

I have told one teen that is at risk for running away, if you feel the need to run, run to me. I WILL tell your guardians where you are, but I will also try to work out what the problem is with them. And with their permission, you can stay here as long as you need to. Her guardians and I have also discussed it. They feel it is better for her to be here than out in the world somewhere.

You are describing the ideal. That is one fortunate teen, and may there be more with the support you are giving her wherever possible! “Out in the world” is unspeakably dangerous, with many naïve teens destined for serial rape and slavery as forced prostitutes, beatings, drug dependency, and even murder. A young woman barely past childhood can’t be expected to get the reality of that danger, particularly not if she’s in a very stormy period with her family.

 

[Anglewannabe]

What you describe is different than what Angelwannabe was describing. Saying that not everything will always be kept secret is different than encouraging the teen not to confide at all. I’d be fine with an adult saying “I will tell your parents if I think it will help them protect you.” That is different than saying “I can’t help you.”

.

In an ideal world you are right. However, the sad truth is there are so many laws to protect children that trustworthy adult who are genuinely trying to protect teens are having their kindness backfire on them and getting wrongly accused, That is why I think it is best to not be a confidante unless the parents know you are one.

It has gotten to the point that if I am downtown and I see a neighbors kid in trouble, I would be petrified of giving that kid a lift home to safety. I would be the bad guy for asking the kid to get in my car.

 

[Kamaduck]

In an ideal world you are right. However, the sad truth is there are so many laws to protect children that trustworthy adult who are genuinely trying to protect teens are having their kindness backfire on them and getting wrongly accused, That is why I think it is best to not be a confidante unless the parents know you are one.

It has gotten to the point that if I am downtown and I see a neighbors kid in trouble, I would be petrified of giving that kid a lift home to safety. I would be the bad guy for asking the kid to get in my car.

Well, I suppose I’m an idealist. I believe in helping others even when it could cause trouble for myself.