Should I tell her parents?

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lovedance4ever

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When I was twelve, I began babysitting for three children: two girls and one boy. They are being raised in a lovely, traditional Catholic family, and it was not long before we grew extremely close.

Here I am eight years later. I am twenty, and their oldest daughter is sixteen. We are very, very close…like sisters. Her parents have trusted me enough to become very close with their children, and for that I feel honored. And that is where the problem comes in.

She has been exhibiting disturbing behavior, in my opinion. She’s begun to swear…not to say that I do not slip up sometimes…but I know that she is getting this from her friends and her parents would flip if they found out. She listens to inappropriate music. And she has been flirting with and saying some extremely suggestive things to guys…strangers even. We will go out in public - let’s say to the mall - and she will start trying to attract attention, because she is desperate for a boyfriend. I tell her that she will only get the wrong kind of attention if she continues to carry on like that, but she does not listen.

She’s had guy friends who fantasize about raping women, and they’ve told her about it, scaring her about sex. It’s terrible. If I could shake some sense and put the fear into these fellows, I would. During the time she was friends with them, they managed to educate her on sexual acts…and all sorts of things. I have not really inquired into what she knows, but she has claimed to “know everything.”

The last straw was this past Friday, when she spent the night at my home. She asked if we could Skype with her one guy friend (who has nothing to do with the guys who I mentioned above). I had never met him before, and he was supposed to be “awesome” so I thought I’d give it a go.

He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me. And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.

Now I am at a loss. Do I tell her parents? She considers me to be one of her best friends, and with that, comes the fact that I am her confidant. But at the same time, her parents have entrusted me with their precious daughter, and I do not want to keep them in the dark if things are only going to get worse.

What would you do? Is it not my place to say anything? Or should I do something about this?
 
lovedance4ever said:
When I was twelve, I began babysitting for three children: two girls and one boy. They are being raised in a lovely, traditional Catholic family, and it was not long before we grew extremely close.

Here I am eight years later. I am twenty, and their oldest daughter is sixteen. We are very, very close…like sisters. Her parents have trusted me enough to become very close with their children, and for that I feel honored. And that is where the problem comes in.

She has been exhibiting disturbing behavior, in my opinion. She’s begun to swear…not to say that I do not slip up sometimes…but I know that she is getting this from her friends and her parents would flip if they found out. She listens to inappropriate music. And she has been flirting with and saying some extremely suggestive things to guys…strangers even. We will go out in public - let’s say to the mall - and she will start trying to attract attention, because she is desperate for a boyfriend. I tell her that she will only get the wrong kind of attention if she continues to carry on like that, but she does not listen.

She’s had guy friends who fantasize about raping women, and they’ve told her about it, scaring her about sex. It’s terrible. If I could shake some sense and put the fear into these fellows, I would. During the time she was friends with them, they managed to educate her on sexual acts…and all sorts of things. I have not really inquired into what she knows, but she has claimed to “know everything.”

The last straw was this past Friday, when she spent the night at my home. She asked if we could Skype with her one guy friend (who has nothing to do with the guys who I mentioned above). I had never met him before, and he was supposed to be “awesome” so I thought I’d give it a go.

He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me. And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.

Now I am at a loss. Do I tell her parents? She considers me to be one of her best friends, and with that, comes the fact that I am her confidant. But at the same time, her parents have entrusted me with their precious daughter, and I do not want to keep them in the dark if things are only going to get worse.

What would you do? Is it not my place to say anything? Or should I do something about this?
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Immediately you should tell the parents. You are an adult and aware
that a minor is in proximate danger of abuse or worse.
 
I don’t know, but here’s my two cents:

You are currently in an excellent position to be a good influence on this girl. If you “tattle” to her parents and she finds out, she may feel betrayed, and in the future may not be so open with you. Then you would not be able to exert as much positive influence on her. Perhaps the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. If you can do that and let her parents know what’s going on, so much the better.

Do you think her parents really do not know how she is? Could they really be so clueless? It may be that they know what’s going on but do not know what to do, or perhaps they are doing something but it’s not working.

If you think they are already somewhat aware, it would be possible to have a very private talk with them. If they take care not to expose you as an informant, their daughter’s close friendship and trust in you (as mentioned above) would not be compromised. If they are totally unaware of what’s going on, it might be harder to control their response.

If you told the parents what you know, what do you think they would do differently? Do you think their response would have the intended corrective effect on their daughter?

On a separate front, could you have a serious talk with her? Would she listen and take heed if you warn her about how risky and inappropriate her behavior is?

I am praying for your young friend, and for your efforts to help her.
 
Arrange for the parents to listen in on a conversation? “stumble” into it?
Hit “record” and figure out how to get the parents to find it?
Dunno, just brainstorming…

The OP is in a position of influence but she is not the mother. Or even an older sister. The proper conversation belongs to the parents in a serious case like this. Have to get them in there somehow. Of course the OP does not want this to blow back on her, then have to figure that out.
 
I would ask if they’ve noticed a change in her and suggest that it would be wise to watch the company she keeps. St Theresa of Avila fell in with a bad influence during her youth and remarked that parents can easily under-estimate the damage that the wrong company can do. You can easily say that she has picked up habits of talking that betray that bad company holds some charm for her, that she is very vulnerable to making some bad decisions.

She’ll get mad at you if this gets back to her, and you might remind her parents of that. Still, it is better that someone call her on her growing fascination with the “glamour of evil” before she runs heading into it with no one warning her away from it. She may still remain stubborn in her desire to do as she thinks will please her, but these warnings may also convince her that the warnings from her conscience ought to be allowed to get through to her will, before it is too late.
 
i woulnd’t just run straight to her parents right away.

i think she is in a stage that she’s not going to caer one way or the other if her parents are approach her or not about it. rebel teen thing.

since you guys are very close friends, i think you should just sit her down and tell her straight up, that she is a catholic and the things she’s getting herself in to can become dangerous sins is she continues. if she takes her faith seriously, she will listen. if not, well you can try telling her parents then but i’m afraid there may not be a lot anyone can do. i will pray for you and her.
 
According to the Virtus training given to all adults who serve in or work in the Church, we are required to report possible abuse or proximate danger of abuse. Many men attract young women via the internet, get them to meet them, infatuate them and then sexually abuse them and convince them to tell no one else. They also threaten both the girls and their families to keep them quiet. If the family goes to the same Parish Church as you, you could inform the Priest, and he may be able to handle the parents and clue them in without bringing you into it at all. Usually the Priest will not reveal his source of information to the parents. This could be your first step to protect this young girl, and she DOES need protection at this point! She is seriously in danger of being raped just because of her behavior, not to mention her internet activities! She could be kidnapped, or raped or abused over a period of time, and be afraid to tell anyone at all, including you. Perhaps the Priest can intervene. They are trained for such. Don’t try to just “handle it yourself” alone. Your influence may slow her down, but cannot protect her at all times and places. We are all (in the Church) trying very hard to protect our young ones and elders from any sort of abuse, and this girl is headed for a possible abuse situation. The fact that she is “desperate” for a boyfriend could lead to her being sexually abused and afraid to tell anyone else about it.
 
I would talk to her parents right away. If she is engaging in this behavior in front of you chances are she is also doing these things at other times and around other people. Her parents could say that “the eyes and ears of the community” have made them aware.
 
angell1 said:
i woulnd’t just run straight to her parents right away.

i think she is in a stage that she’s not going to caer one way or the other if her parents are approach her or not about it. rebel teen thing.

since you guys are very close friends, i think you should just sit her down and tell her straight up, that she is a catholic and the things she’s getting herself in to can become dangerous sins is she continues. if she takes her faith seriously, she will listen. if not, well you can try telling her parents then but i’m afraid there may not be a lot anyone can do. i will pray for you and her.
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I think the OP has made it quite clear that this girl is out of bounds–to the girl. In spite of contemporary opinions to the contrary, parents are not totally impotent when it comes to the sorts of near occasion of sin their teens have access to. Does it matter, if the teens do at 19 what their parents can stop them from doing at 17? Of course it does!

The parents may handle the information wisely or unwisely, but the need some inking that they ought to keep an eye on their daughter. Some teens learn the “angel routine”, and just knowing that their little girl is not naive any more can be a very important heads up for a parent. If they won’t hear it, at least the OP will know she tried.
 
lovedance4ever said:
…She has been exhibiting disturbing behavior, in my opinion. She’s begun to swear…not to say that I do not slip up sometimes…but I know that she is getting this from her friends and her parents would flip if they found out. She listens to inappropriate music.
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You should tell her that you won’t accept talking in vulgar language when you are with her and if she persists - end your get together …
And she has been flirting with and saying some extremely suggestive things to guys…strangers even. We will go out in public - let’s say to the mall - and she will start trying to attract attention, because she is desperate for a boyfriend. I tell her that she will only get the wrong kind of attention if she continues to carry on like that, but she does not listen.
Click to expand...
Again - set the standards and then if you are with her at the mall and she begins to act out in an inappropriate manner - end the outing … and if possible taker her for outings where this type of behavior would be less likely to occur - a trip to a museum, a play. … can you introduce her to young people her age who behave in different ways?
She’s had guy friends who fantasize about raping women, and they’ve told her about it, scaring her about sex. It’s terrible. If I could shake some sense and put the fear into these fellows, I would. During the time she was friends with them, they managed to educate her on sexual acts…and all sorts of things. I have not really inquired into what she knows, but she has claimed to “know everything.”
Click to expand...
This is most definitely problematic - you should not participate in discussions like this except to let her know that you find this unacceptable and reprehensible …
The last straw was this past Friday, when she spent the night at my home. She asked if we could Skype with her one guy friend (who has nothing to do with the guys who I mentioned above). I had never met him before, and he was supposed to be “awesome” so I thought I’d give it a go.
Click to expand...
He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me.
Click to expand...
At this point - you should have ended the Skype = no ifs and or buts and took the young lady home to her parents … that would have been the perfect time to have had a discussion - all of you together … her parents, you and her … with real event - witnessed - not indirect knowledge …
And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.
Click to expand...
You should have ended the Skype session before this … but again … your home, your equipment, your rules … a mere reprimand … turn off the computer … and tell the young lady of your concern for her - but this needs to be discussed with her parents - then do it … tattling behind her back is not the way I would go …
Now I am at a loss. Do I tell her parents? She considers me to be one of her best friends, and with that, comes the fact that I am her confidant. But at the same time, her parents have entrusted me with their precious daughter, and I do not want to keep them in the dark if things are only going to get worse.
Click to expand...
What would you do? Is it not my place to say anything? Or should I do something about this?
Click to expand...
As I said - My take - I would be lovingly clear about how much I care for her - but in your presence she is not going to behave in certain ways … if something egregious occurs - like the Skype session - inform her parents - but in her presence … love is tough sometimes - a true friend does not let a friend self destruct … in order to save feelings - there own, the friend not the parents …

How will you feel if this girl becomes pregnant? … What if she meets someone who physically harms her? …
 
Just wanted to say that YADA has it covered!!!
YADA said:
You should tell her that you won’t accept talking in vulgar language when you are with her and if she persists - end your get together …

Again - set the standards and then if you are with her at the mall and she begins to act out in an inappropriate manner - end the outing … and if possible taker her for outings where this type of behavior would be less likely to occur - a trip to a museum, a play. … can you introduce her to young people her age who behave in different ways?

This is most definitely problematic - you should not participate in discussions like this except to let her know that you find this unacceptable and reprehensible …

At this point - you should have ended the Skype = no ifs and or buts and took the young lady home to her parents … that would have been the perfect time to have had a discussion - all of you together … her parents, you and her … with real event - witnessed - not indirect knowledge …

You should have ended the Skype session before this … but again … your home, your equipment, your rules … a mere reprimand … turn off the computer … and tell the young lady of your concern for her - but this needs to be discussed with her parents - then do it … tattling behind her back is not the way I would go …

As I said - My take - I would be lovingly clear about how much I care for her - but in your presence she is not going to behave in certain ways … if something egregious occurs - like the Skype session - inform her parents - but in her presence … love is tough sometimes - a true friend does not let a friend self destruct … in order to save feelings - there own, the friend not the parents …

How will you feel if this girl becomes pregnant? … What if she meets someone who physically harms her? …
Click to expand...
 
You tell her parents and your friendship with her is probably going to be done. Hell hath no fury like a teenager who’s been ratted out by a “friend.” You’re in a position now where you may be able to influence her and help her, you tell her parents you may never have that opportunity. It’s a hard one, I think I would tell the parents if it gets any worse even though it would sacrifice your friendship. Her safety is of utmost importance and she would probably appreciate your intervention when she’s older and wiser. I have a daughter and if she were acting like that I’d sure like to know about it. I’ll say some prayers. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question- one of those shades of gray.
 
Deana83 said:
You tell her parents and your friendship with her is probably going to be done. Hell hath no fury like a teenager who’s been ratted out by a “friend.” You’re in a position now where you may be able to influence her and help her, you tell her parents you may never have that opportunity. It’s a hard one, I think I would tell the parents if it gets any worse even though it would sacrifice your friendship. Her safety is of utmost importance and she would probably appreciate your intervention when she’s older and wiser. I have a daughter and if she were acting like that I’d sure like to know about it. I’ll say some prayers. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question- one of those shades of gray.
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What about my suggestion of telling the Priest? He doesn’t have to tell the parents where he heard of it, and it would alert the parents, while leaving the OP in a position to continue to try to influence the teen to a better attitude! The Priest could also have already have heard of it from the “community”, so he needn’t tell about the evening with the Skype on the internet, but the other behavior was public and is certainly a red flag!
 
I haven’t read all the responses.

This girl isn’t treating you like a friend at all. The second the foul mouthed, 17 year old, whippersnapper began sexually harassing you, she should have stopped skyping with him.

Yet it seems she thinks it’s cool to allow boys to treat her lustfully and for her to encourage it.

I think you need to tell her parents. She seems like she wants to be cool and popular. She instead is acting very irresponsibly and foolishly.

She could definitely end up in an unsafe scenario.

(I’m old I guess, but I just can’t see how a 17 year old could speak to a young lady the way he did)
 
Deana83 said:
You tell her parents and your friendship with her is probably going to be done. Hell hath no fury like a teenager who’s been ratted out by a “friend.” You’re in a position now where you may be able to influence her and help her, you tell her parents you may never have that opportunity. It’s a hard one, I think I would tell the parents if it gets any worse even though it would sacrifice your friendship. Her safety is of utmost importance and she would probably appreciate your intervention when she’s older and wiser. I have a daughter and if she were acting like that I’d sure like to know about it. I’ll say some prayers. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question- one of those shades of gray.
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Let’s be blunt. While there is certainly question about how to keep this teen from jumping into the cesspool that is now fascinating her, there are aspects to this situation that are not the least bit “grey”.

Let us review the Skype conversation that was initiated by this “friend” of the OPs:
He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me. And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.

The OP was very indulgent with her friend. She would have been well within her rights to be outraged that her little “friend” would allow her to be spoken to in that manner, because the little girl “hosting” this idiot should have apologized for his outrageous remarks immediately. This fellow could not have been more insulting if he had tried! Does he think this is cute, that women are going to be flattered to hear him talking about them as if they were a piece of meat in a case? It is one thing to let men talk to you as if you were looking to become a pro bono prostitute, and quite another to let him talk to your friends that way! That the girl knows her friend is nothing like that makes it even worse.

IOW, that little twit is quite fortunate that the OP is willing to be friends with her, because she treated the OP very badly. Heaven forbid she make friends who think that kind of treatment is some kind of a favor! If the OP is fighting anger over how she was treated, I think she should stop resisting the urge to tell her friend just how out-of-bounds it is for someone who wants to be taken as a grown woman to act like that! :mad:

This isn’t just a matter of guarding her purity. Even the most secular and sexually-permissive women in the world could tell her that this is also about having some self-respect and insisting that respect be shown to other women. Her behavior is very insulting, an somebody ought to tell her that no self-respecting woman is going to want to be friends with her if she does not clean up her act. It is the teen’s offenses *against the OP *that the OP ought to emphasize if her little friend gets her nose out of shape that her behavior gets back to her parents. The teen is the one who is flunking friendship, not the OP.
 
lovedance4ever said:
The last straw was this past Friday, when she spent the night at my home. She asked if we could Skype with her one guy friend (who has nothing to do with the guys who I mentioned above). I had never met him before, and he was supposed to be “awesome” so I thought I’d give it a go.

He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me. And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.
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You need to figure out what the laws are in your area so as to not be the adult cooperator of criminal sexual abuse of minors. Sexting, solicitation, and other such activities are illegal and immoral and as an adult you have the responsibility of ensuring the welfare of any minors in your care. Had a priest been in your shoes, I would guess (but I am not a civil lawyer) that he would have been jailed for allowing this.
 
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