Should I Tell My Dad?

[defenderoftruth]

And all these “tips” on how to fix the computer for this young man can be bad advice he doesn’t know what he’s doing he could really mess up his dad’s computer and what does he say then “oh I just thought I’d fix it for you”. Why not tell his dad why it’s messed up and his dad can hire someone that KNOWS what they’re doing to fix it.

It’s a snowball effect and you all (minus 3 or 4 of us) are helping him roll the snowball…

 

[musicality]

(…) DO NOT use malwarebytes. Generally, advertising a paid version of antivirus/spyware worries me, as their program usually does its work rather inefficiently (e.g. Norton Antivirus). If you’re going to attempt to clean any spyware on the computer, you can safely use “spybot search and destroy”.

You may want to do your research on that.

Malwarebytes is widely used by security professionals to remove anything ranging from trojans to rootkits. In fact, it is what gets recommended by security professionals when Norton/McAfee do not do their job. Spybot search and destroy is a good tool too (one that I have also used); however, the increased functionality and bugs associated with the program worry me in cases like this when users are not well versed in malware removal.

So, if the computer is indeed infected, I would suggest that you look into using the aforementioned anti-malware tools.

As for advice in this situation, I deliberately chose not to suggest whether or not the OP should tell his father because I do not believe that I have a good answer for him based on the information provided. That being said, the OP may wish to ask his confessor for advice in this situation.

EDIT: grandfather’s post above also makes a very good point.

 

[domandcarols]

T-Knight!
Are you not the one who recently said you had a calling to be a priest?!?!

“Recently said”? He’s not just saying silly things, God is calling him. He has his whole life in front of him and he wants to give himself to God yet you belittle his vocation as if it’s nothing. Everyone struggles with sin, even St. Augustine, a Father of the Church struggled with the sin of lust. At least he is strong enough to break the habit and honest enough to admit his faults. What exactly is your problem? Praying for you.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

The sentiments disagree with you and rightly so.
Let me explain…

Oh, please, show us where the OP states he is a ‘minor’, or a ‘child’.

Look at his profile.

Then take a peek at his post history.

6 months ago he was 14 years old!!

Maybe it’s a stretch on my part to say he didn’t have permission from his Dad,
but I also don’t think TK said - "Hey Dad, I wanna look at some porn, can I use your laptop! "

Before you call me out, maybe you better make sure you have all the facts!!

 

[Leegal]

IAnd I am curious, I am a assuming internet porn is not free, so how, TeutonicKnight, how did you pay for this porn?

Only the priest can tell him if he has to speak with his father.

Most porn is free on the net. Don’t assume.

 

[Leegal]

Actually, aren’t you assuming facts not in evidence as well? How do you know his father’s reaction wouldn’t be one of support, encouragement and prayer? You’re giving advice, assuming that it’s the worst case scenario.

The boy knows how his father will react. You don’t know that he’s going to be so proud to have this bonding moment with his son either. The boy’s confessor should advise him since he is penitent. I believe that the fact that he’s conflicted is that he already knows what his father’s reaction is going to be. So, I would offer to take the computer to an expert for my father.

From the catechism,
*1435 Conversion is accomplished in daily life by gestures of reconciliation, concern for the poor, the exercise and defense of justice and right, **by the admission of faults to one’s brethren, fraternal correction, revision of life,***examination of conscience, spiritual direction, acceptance of suffering, endurance of persecution for the sake of righteousness. Taking up one’s cross each day and following Jesus is the surest way of penance.

1459 Many sins wrong our neighbor. One must do what is possible in order to repair the harm (e.g., return stolen goods, restore the reputation of someone slandered, pay compensation for injuries). Simple justice requires as much. But sin also injures and weakens the sinner himself, as well as his relationships with God and neighbor. Absolution takes away sin, but it does not remedy all the disorders sin has caused.62 Raised up from sin, the sinner must still recover his full spiritual health by doing something more to make amends for the sin: he must “make satisfaction for” or “expiate” his sins. This satisfaction is also called “penance.”

He did not steal the computer. That would be different and he has to make restitution. I suggested that he first take the computer to someone else who knows about this stuff, or try some of the software out there (though they don’t work as well).

Oh, and the drunk driving analogy is perfectly valid. The OP messed up his Dad’s computer committing a dangerous, sinful act. In my analogy, he messed up his Dad’s car committing a dangerous, sinful act. Both were wrong. Both were an abuse of someone else’s property that resulted in damage. The advice that he should just fix his Dad’s computer on his own would be the same as if he just took his Dad’s car into the shop and didn’t tell him.

If the Dad’s computer is full of spyware like the OP says, his Dad may have had his credit card info or banking info compromised, as well as his login info to other sites. The idea that he should just “fix” his Dad’s computer and not tell him about it is very risky behavior. If he told his Dad at least he could be on the lookout for fraudulent behavior.

Sorry, but I’m not buying the analogy. If he were caught driving drunk and the car was damaged the police would be at the house, he may being held by the police, and the father would, obviously, see the damage to the car. A far more serious offense, legally, for which he father could not be kept in the dark. Assuming he’s young, he’s not going to be able to hide the damage to the car, nor prevent the police from arresting him for drunk driving without his father knowing. Your analogy is far too extreme to be convincing.

Only the priest can decide when and what needs to be “admission to one’s to bretheren.” We don’t publicly confess masturbation and porn usage to our bretheren. So, it depends on the “sin” to which he has confessed. He needs to tell the priest FIRST. He did not slander his father; he did not steal the computer. His actions may or may not have slowed down the computer. If his guilt is getting the better of him, then the priest can advise.

Take the computer to a computer store with all the disks and ask them to run whatever scans are necessary.

 

[Lamentation]

Well, instead of arguing into oblivion, let me suggest an easier way to fix it.

Three step process:
- confession.
:takethat: - hammer time
:manvspc: - ACME anti-sin firewall (patent pending)

Instead of joining the flame war I see coming, let us all adjourn from this thread and keep our dignity, shall we?

 

[domandcarols]

What the sam hill are you talking about??? Hello?

How do you get “belittling his vocation as if it’s nothing” by me asking him if he’s the one who posted that he wants to be a priest?
I surely have noooooo problem with him, with him wanting to be a priest, or with his masturbation/porn challenges. I was merely surprised and confused.

Maybe it’s best you ask yourself why you need to read so much negativity and anger into an innocent question? Um…look inside yourself.

It’s all you, babe.

I guess it sounded rude because it’s not like he’s trying to hide that he wants to be a priest, just look at his signature or almost all his previous posts. If you didn’t mean it in that way then I’m sorry. I guess I do sound touchy, I just hate how often people ridicule or insult those discerning a vocation to the priesthood or religious life, and our priests and seminarians. They are precious to us and we need them very much.

 

[grandfather]

Do all the people who insist the teen tell his father his sins think the tables should be turned? Do you think the father should tell his son the sins of his youth, about his past girlfriends, or other indiscretions maybe in his adult life? Sins belong in the confessional. If a confessor thinks the father needed to be involved he would have given those instructions.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Do all the people who insist the teen tell his father his sins think the tables should be turned? Do you think the father should tell his son the sins of his youth, about his past girlfriends, or other indiscretions maybe in his adult life? Sins belong in the confessional. If a confessor thinks the father needed to be involved he would have given those instructions.

Utterly ridiculous questions. A father is a father his son is under his roof, he’s responsible to bring him up correctly and teach him right from wrong give him proper fatherly advice and discipline. No I don’t think dad should go all out about his sinful past. But he can say that he understands that some young men have issues with lust and masturbation and help him with some advice on it. He messed up his dad’s computer too, hiding that, trying to fix it on his own is in a sense lying and you all are like “do this and that” he broke it (in a sense) and it needs to be fixed and he disrespected his father using his computer in such a way. Even if he’s sorry and confessed to a priest doesn’t mean he shouldn’t come clean with dad. Notice I never said “has to” but it would be the proper thing to do.

Hiding your sins on your own (even when you’ve confessed to a priest) when you’ve inadvertantly did something to someone’s property your confession got you forgiven by God and the church but you still have sinned against your father by disrespecting him and his property. It’s like a guy that cheats on his wife, “oh the confessional is it” WHATEVER! You’ve sinned against your wife not just God and the church. You could have conceived a kid out of it, brought home a disease from it, and you’ve disrespected and lied to your spouse but the confessional is it eh? I totally DISAGREE.

oh and by the way as an Anglo-Catholic I go to confession too. So just so you know I’m not a general confession is it person.

 

[grandfather]

Utterly ridiculous questions. A father is a father his son is under his roof, he’s responsible to bring him up correctly and teach him right from wrong give him proper fatherly advice and discipline. No I don’t think dad should go all out about his sinful past. But he can say that he understands that some young men have issues with lust and masturbation and help him with some advice on it.

 

[Catholic90]

Defenderoftruth:

Re: cheating spouse telling non-cheating spouse:

Most cheaters want to tell to ease their own conscience or to share their pain. Usually, very little good comes of that. The cheater needs to stop, get tested, and deal with it via his confessor. Many confessors and counselors advise not to tell the cheated on spouse.

OP, you should listen to your confessor. Only you know you father! Only you know how he might react. I know my own sons told me things in confidence that they never would have dared tell their father, as he would have blown up at them.

 

[domandcarols]

I honestly didn’t even notice his signature. I just recognized the name because it’s so unique and teenage-boy-like…and actually, for a moment, I worried he was a “troller” (is that the right word?) because of the disparity between the last post I recalled by him (the post about wanting to be a priest) and this one.

Ah, well.
We sorted it out.

I understand now why you would say that. I’m sorry for blowing up randomly.
God bless you!

 

[defenderoftruth]

defenderoftruth;8748724:

You have no idea what the man might say.

There is a possibility that his father’s computer is infected or slowed down as a result of the son’s usage. It could be that it needs to get tuned up, or the father himself did some things to it that caused it to slow down.

Do you think it better for a Catholic young man to take the advice of his priest confessor he knows, or a stranger on the internet?

I have never been in that situation. I would think that telling a spouse about infidelity would cause pain to the spouse and if you have repented you should be the one to bear the guilt and pain. I don’t know.

I only know about what takes place in the Catholic sacrament. The priest absolves, but also gives guidance. Usually it is very good advice. Just curious though. Do you confess to a man or a woman?

you really tick me off I’ve said SEVERAL TIMES on the Anglo-Catholic thread in “non catholic religons” that I don’t attend a “priestess” Anglican church/jurisdiction. OR one that accepts/ordains homosexuals. SO…NO I DO NOT CONFESS TO, TAKE COMMUNION FROM, OR BELIEVE WOMEN CAN EVEN BE DEACONS/PRIESTS OR BISHOPS.

Maybe you can try to “act” a little nicer to a non RC by actually paying attention to their posts.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I have to agree with these sentiments.
We are talking about a minor child, who used his father’s computer without permission,
to illegally (you must be at least 18 & in most cases 21 to access “adult content”) look at porn.
And I am curious, I am a assuming internet porn is not free, so how, TeutonicKnight, how did you pay for this porn?
There is so much more going on here than a simple little indiscretion.
IMHO, you need to come clean with your Dad, and fast!!

And FWIW,
I would be furious if I found out anyone gave my minor child the advice to not tell me about something like this!!

Actually, most pornography sites are free. Plus, there are many other ways to access pornography in which don’t exactly mean you must go to a pornography site. There are online stories on websites that are not made for them, and therefore don’t give you the nine thousand viruses.

 

[RubyT]

Honor thy Mother and Father.

Tell him and take the consequences but only after you fix the computer:thumbsup:

OR

Pray about it and listen carefully for a Devine response.

In your heart you know what to do…you know the relationship you have with your Dad…if you could ask your dad this very same question what would his response be?

Peace.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I didn’t mean for this to become such a controversy. I just wanted fathers’ opinions on whether or not they would want this to be confessed to them by their sons. Honestly, I’m not sure what my dad will do if I tell him. He’s always very understanding, and he rarely gets angry. In fact, he once caught me reading a pornographic story. All he said was not to look up those stories anymore, and he thankfully only mentioned it one more time after that, making sure that I wasn’t looking at them anymore.

Now, to clear some things up:

No, I never “stole” my father’s laptop, nor did I not have permission to be on it. My dad’s laptop is one in which we have shared for a long time since I have no computer. My dad doesn’t care if I use it, just that I use it correctly. I am given full permission at all times to use it as I please, because my father trusts me. If he knew who I really was at the time, he wouldn’t have let me get near the thing. However, he didn’t, and I did.

Secondly, God indeed calls all to the Priesthood/Religious life. As my great Priest-friend Father Pascal says: “The great sinners make the greatest confessors.”

And finally, I’m sorry for bringing this up on an open forum. I should’ve known that women would most definitely disagree with the men. This is not meant to be an offensive comment. The reason I say this is because in my experience women like to know everything that goes on in their childrens’ lives, while the fathers’ tend to not want to know so much. Thus, I should’ve known that the vote would be split, as the battle of the sexes would most definitely emerge. Again, please don’t report this comment. This is simply based off of my past experiences, and if it’s wrong I do apologize. Maybe the great plains of Kansas are different than the rest of the world?

So, in light of all of this, please, stop fighting. I’m hopefully going to confession this weekend (And if not, soon), and I will ask Father what he thinks. If he believes that I should tell my dad, I will. However, if he does not, I hope that everyone will respect my decision to comply with Father’s advice.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

No, I never “stole” my father’s laptop, nor did I not have permission to be on it. My dad’s laptop is one in which we have shared for a long time since I have no computer. My dad doesn’t care if I use it, just that I use it correctly. I am given full permission at all times to use it as I please, because my father trusts me. If he knew who I really was at the time, he wouldn’t have let me get near the thing. However, he didn’t, and I did.

So, you used the computer to do something that you knew you were not supposed to do,
You betrayed your father’s trust, and if you can do it in some small, insignificant way, how do you know you won’t do it when bigger things come up?

And finally, I’m sorry for bringing this up on an open forum. I should’ve known that women would most definitely disagree with the men. This is not meant to be an offensive comment. The reason I say this is because in my experience women like to know everything that goes on in their childrens’ lives, while the fathers’ tend to not want to know so much. Thus, I should’ve known that the vote would be split, as the battle of the sexes would most definitely emerge. Again, please don’t report this comment. This is simply based off of my past experiences, and if it’s wrong I do apologize. Maybe the great plains of Kansas are different than the rest of the world?

I’m sorry, I don’t think it is a “woman thing” to want to know what your child is involved in-
especially when they are a young teen-ager- ***IT’S A PARENT THING!! ***

As far as the sites you were on, to me that is irrelevent.
There are a lot of very unscrupulous, very sick people out there who know how to use the computer to their advantage.
How do you know, for sure, that one of the sites you linked to is not on some “watch list”
and that the FBI could come knocking on your door one day wanting to know who accessed “kiddie porn” from this address?
Don’t think it can happen?? Guess again…

How would Dad feel then, when he is hauled off for questioning regarding his “fetish”?

So, in light of all of this, please, stop fighting. I’m hopefully going to confession this weekend (And if not, soon), and I will ask Father what he thinks. If he believes that I should tell my dad, I will. However, if he does not, I hope that everyone will respect my decision to comply with Father’s advice.

I think this is your best idea yet! When I suggested that you tell your Dad, it was to the question in your OP, regarding the computer.
I don’t think that you need to reveal to him the “nature” of your confession.
If it were me, I would start off the conversation with something like this…
“Ya know, Dad, I was using the computer, and I was looking at some things that I really know I shouldn’t have been looking at,
and now, I think I may have messed up your laptop.
Maybe we should take it to someone and have it looked at,
and I will pay to fix it if need be.
I’m really sorry Dad, I know I disappointed you by not obeying the rules for computer use.”

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

So, you used the computer to do something that you knew you were not supposed to do,
You betrayed your father’s trust, and if you can do it in some small, insignificant way, how do you know you won’t do it when bigger things come up?

I’m sorry, I don’t think it is a “woman thing” to want to know what your child is involved in-
especially when they are a young teen-ager- ***IT’S A PARENT THING!! ***

As far as the sites you were on, to me that is irrelevent.
There are a lot of very unscrupulous, very sick people out there who know how to use the computer to their advantage.
How do you know, for sure, that one of the sites you linked to is not on some “watch list”
and that the FBI could come knocking on your door one day wanting to know who accessed “kiddie porn” from this address?
Don’t think it can happen?? Guess again…

How would Dad feel then, when he is hauled off for questioning regarding his “fetish”?

I think this is your best idea yet! When I suggested that you tell your Dad, it was to the question in your OP, regarding the computer.
I don’t think that you need to reveal to him the “nature” of your confession.
If it were me, I would start off the conversation with something like this…
“Ya know, Dad, I was using the computer, and I was looking at some things that I really know I shouldn’t have been looking at,
and now, I think I may have messed up your laptop.
Maybe we should take it to someone and have it looked at,
and I will pay to fix it if need be.
I’m really sorry Dad, I know I disappointed you by not obeying the rules for computer use.”

I don’t completely understand what you’re trying to say, here. Are you saying that if “something bigger comes up” (Whatever that means) that I’ll cave or something?

I’m not saying that men don’t want to know about their children. I’m saying they don’t want to know as much as women do, in my experience. However, the reason I’m very careful with this is because my mother has told me time and again that if there is something bad I’m doing, she doesn’t want to know about it. Now, I don’t know if my dad holds these same feelings, but if he does, than he would be very disturbed.

Thanks for your trust in my character, but I can assure you that I never watched any child pornography.

That idea on how to address my dad wouldn’t work, but that is simply because of the person he is. He will either know right away, or ask further information. Sooner or later, he’ll find out. So, it’s either tell him or let him figure it out himself, really.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

What I am saying is, you betrayed your father’s trust in what I consider to be a very small matter, i.e. not using the computer responsibly.
It is not a stretch to think that if you got away with it once, you will try to do so again. Actually, that is “typical teen-age behavior”

And no, you may have not been actively looking at “kiddie porn”,
but that does not mean that whatever site you were on does not have some people on it that may.
And that some may have embedded files into things you did look at without your knowledge.
It happens all the time, and most people don’t know it until the cops are at the door!

The internet is a great tool, but young people really need to share with their parents what they are doing, and if they don’t, the parents need to be monitoring.

Does any of this make sense to you?