Should I tell my family?

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Cor_ad_Cor

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I’ve recently learned that I may have a rather rare autoimmune disease, somewhat of a “little cousin” to leukemia, but not with quite the same grim stigma. It’s not contagious, and unless I have the most severe/aggressive type, the prognosis is really pretty good - it can be managed with medications, or at worst, chemo and a bone marrow transplant. I see the hematologist next week for more tests.

On the one hand, I’m not a keeping secrets type of person, and I know that emotional support would be a good thing to have. On the other hand, I don’t want to be seen as a sympathy seeker or have people treat me differently. In my family, in particular, I’m really uneasy about changing the dynamic that already exists, as I’m sure it won’t be a positive change - it’s likely to become more strained and stressful.

Anyone have thoughts or experiences you wouldn’t mind sharing? I’m not good at asking for prayer for myself, either, but I would appreciate that, too.
 
It is up to you who you tell, but I predict your family will have their feelings hurt if you believe they’d see you as an “attention-seeker” for letting them know you have a serious disease.

You have a fairly optimistic outlook about your diagnosis and prognosis. I think I’d tell them in a “heads-up” sort of way that captures your optimism. You might want to leave the “little cousin to leukemia” analogy out, however. It’s a hematology problem, there is a good chance it can be managed with medications. This is not leukemia, but there is an outside chance that the hematologist may want to use some of the same treatments that are used for leukemia. I’d probably wait to mention the possible need for a bone marrow match until you have a more complete diagnosis. If you have told anyone else, you’ll want to tell your parents right away. If you intend to tell them at all, don’t let them hear about this from someone else. You don’t have to drop the entire scenario on them all at once, however.

I don’t believe God allows disease to make us better people, but I do believe God wants us to use every circumstance of our life to grow closer. Get better at asking for prayers for yourself.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is up to you who you tell, but I predict your family will have their feelings hurt if you believe they’d see you as an “attention-seeker” for letting them know you have a serious disease.

You have a fairly optimistic outlook about your diagnosis and prognosis. I think I’d tell them in a “heads-up” sort of way that captures your optimism. You might want to leave the “little cousin to leukemia” analogy out, however. It’s a hematology problem, there is a good chance it can be managed with medications. This is not leukemia, but there is an outside chance that the hematologist may want to use some of the same treatments that are used for leukemia. I’d probably wait to mention the possible need for a bone marrow match until you have a more complete diagnosis. If you have told anyone else, you’ll want to tell your parents right away. If you intend to tell them at all, don’t let them hear about this from someone else. You don’t have to drop the entire scenario on them all at once, however.

I don’t believe God allows disease to make us better people, but I do believe God wants us to use every circumstance of our life to grow closer. Get better at asking for prayers for yourself.
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Yes–and especially to the importance of appropriately phasing your announcements.

This is not a Facebook type thing–tell your parents and then tell any other relatives you are close to, but be fast enough in getting the word out that close relatives won’t be finding out via the grapevine. (And by close I mean both by blood and personal relationship.)
 
I’d keep this off social media (if you can) to prevent it from hurting your future employment opportunities.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes–and especially to the importance of appropriately phasing your announcements.

This is not a Facebook type thing–tell your parents and then tell any other relatives you are close to, but be fast enough in getting the word out that close relatives won’t be finding out via the grapevine. (And by close I mean both by blood and personal relationship.)
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I think I would tell everyone I tell not to say A WORD about this until I have let them know that I’ve contacted others I want to tell personally. “You wouldn’t want to hear this from anyone else but me, and neither would they. It is extremely important that you take no chances that this could get to them before I talk to them because you weren’t careful. This is* very important *to me, this is the kind of diagnosis that can be very scary if it is not explained, so please do that for me.”

Tell your parents first, though. The only one to hear sooner would be a spouse, child, or fiance.
 
I’d say to tell them, since chemo is really hard. You will need all the support you can get. Also, it might reach a point where you wouldn’t be able to hide it, anyway, so why not just tell them from the beginning.
 
I’m praying for you! Do you know any prayer groups? Maybe you can let them know so you can get a support system in place, along with your closest family and friends.

God Bless!
 
Cor_ad_Cor said:
I’ve recently learned that I may have a rather rare autoimmune disease, somewhat of a “little cousin” to leukemia, but not with quite the same grim stigma. It’s not contagious, and unless I have the most severe/aggressive type, the prognosis is really pretty good - it can be managed with medications, or at worst, chemo and a bone marrow transplant. I see the hematologist next week for more tests.

On the one hand, I’m not a keeping secrets type of person, and I know that emotional support would be a good thing to have. On the other hand, I don’t want to be seen as a sympathy seeker or have people treat me differently. In my family, in particular, I’m really uneasy about changing the dynamic that already exists, as I’m sure it won’t be a positive change - it’s likely to become more strained and stressful.

Anyone have thoughts or experiences you wouldn’t mind sharing? I’m not good at asking for prayer for myself, either, but I would appreciate that, too.
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First & foremost, I am sorry. I think you should tell your family at the right time. I think you should ask trusted people for prayers on your behalf. Weigh the pros and cons of keeping this illness of yours a secret. There is no universal answer. I understand what you mean by wanting to seek sympathy. If that is not you, do not do it.
 
My first question is ‘who is your family’?

Are you a teenager not wanting to tell your parents? An adult not wanting to tell your spouse? A parent not wanting to tell young children?

My answer would vary depending on the circumstances. However, my first instinct is to say ‘You know your family best and if it is dysfunctional and telling them is just going to do you more harm than good, then , no don’t tell’

Angie
 
Tell them asap.
The most hurtful thing is to find out that your loved ones didn’t trust you enough to handle the truth.
You’re not saving them from anything, but if they find out if you become critically ill, they will be very hurt.
Tell them. that’s what your family and friends are for. We Catholics throughout the ages have walked the path with those in times of trouble. Tell them.
 
Firstly, you most certainly have my prayers and in fact I’ve said a quick one to St Gerard Majella before this post. I would say definitely tell your mother and father and play it down to them to soften any shock they might have. I don’t know if they are religious but you could ask them to pray for you even so. I tell my mother about everything because she prays like a trooper and seems to have a hotline to Gods ear. 🙂

As a mother, I would advise you to definitely tell your parents in a played down way and take it from there.

God bless.
 
Xantippe said:
I’d keep this off social media (if you can) to prevent it from hurting your future employment opportunities.
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That is an excellent point I didn’t think of! I can say that when we found out our FIL’s non-Hodgkins lymphoma, he told us all be e-mail. I have to say we were very hurt and confused because, by the time we read it, it was too late in the day to call and ask follow-up questions.

And sadly, because none of the son’s lived close, we never knew he was terminal because MIL didn’t want to worry her sons (this was her explanation as to why she withheld information).

Later, we did explain to her the hurt and confusion involved with her withholding information. We felt she either didn’t trust us or she still had an adult-child relationship with her sons.

Personally, I believe in face to face or–if not feasible–voice to voice transparency. There was little to none of this in my husband’s family. So, when my MIL died, we were left with the same confusion about her health issues and, later, settling her estate.

I hope this reply helps. I will light a candle for your intention at Mass tomorrow. You can most definitely be assured of my prayers for a successful outcome.
 
pianistclare said:
Tell them asap.
The most hurtful thing is to find out that your loved ones didn’t trust you enough to handle the truth.
You’re not saving them from anything, but if they find out if you become critically ill, they will be very hurt.
Tell them. that’s what your family and friends are for. We Catholics throughout the ages have walked the path with those in times of trouble. Tell them.
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I wish I read your post before I posted mine, because this was the exact experience with had with DH’s parents. And it does leave a big void when you think, “What is it about me that you didn’t trust?” My husband struggles with it daily, which is why I think he feels the need to receive the graces of Confession very often. Actually, that part has been good for all of us.
 
CRATUS said:
First & foremost, I am sorry…
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Yes, we all feel for you, OP. Your optimism bodes well for your ability to handle this, your desire not to burden others is praiseworthy, but we are the Body of Christ for a reason. The reason poverty is beneficial is that it requires us to depend on each other more than material things or our own devices.
 
Thank you all. My wife has been with me at every doctor appointment and test. Our children are too young to understand. My parents will be told tomorrow, as you all have given me wonderful encouragement and advice. I feel a bit selfish keeping it to myself. I won’t get into the real issue with one particular cousin, but why let her dictate my life and emotions when it comes to my relationship with everyone else, right?

Thank you all for the great words of encouragement and solid advice. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you all in this new year!
 
Cor_ad_Cor said:
I won’t get into the real issue with one particular cousin, but why let her dictate my life and emotions when it comes to my relationship with everyone else, right?
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Then just don’t tell this cousin and let her find it out through the grapevine;)
 
Cor_ad_Cor said:
Thank you all. My wife has been with me at every doctor appointment and test. Our children are too young to understand. My parents will be told tomorrow, as you all have given me wonderful encouragement and advice. I feel a bit selfish keeping it to myself. I won’t get into the real issue with one particular cousin, but why let her dictate my life and emotions when it comes to my relationship with everyone else, right?

Thank you all for the great words of encouragement and solid advice. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you all in this new year!
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Some relatives have to be taken in the hopes that they’ll get you time off of Purgatory. 😉

It reminds me of this quote:
“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
 
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