should I tell my husband I had an abortion?

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AlanFromWichita:
In case you have not yet had a child, you might like to know it is normal procedure in a hospital for them to ask you, in front of your husband, how many pregnancies and live births you have had. I do not know whether it is for medical reasons or government records, or both. If you do not intend to accurately disclose this information you might want to check with your doctor to figure out what you will say when and if you are asked.
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This is a very good point. When I had my son, (about 7 months ago) a nurse came in and asked me, in front of my husband, how many times I had been pregnant, how many children I had, and if I had any abortions or miscarriages.

They ask for medical reasons. Usually to add up your possible risk factors during birth. Example: I have had C-sections, so they put that there is a slight risk of uterine rupture.

They also ask about any abdominal surgeries and or injuries.
 
I am not convinced that any of us have the wisdom to be able to give you the right answer. There are too many variables.

The trauma form an abortion is somewhat akin to the trauma from sexual abuse. Some people seem to be able to heal, some struggle with healing, and some can’t seem to heal at all.

If you have a solid, happy and healthy marriage, there would seem to be no valid reason to open that kind of problem. If you are looking for catharsis, that is not the place to obtain it.

If there are problems in the marriage, you may not have enough distance from both the abortion and the problems in the marriage, nor enough wisdom, to know if revealing this is going to help cure the problems or exacerbate them. In that situation, you need professional help in sorting out the problems in the marriage, and the after effects of the abortion. You also need help in determining if telling your husband anything is going to make anything better. Some people have the grace to forgive and let go; others lose trust, and that is difficult to repair, at best.

I too would recommend Project Rachael; and I don’t know how you will be involved without your husband knowing, or guessing. And that could turn out to be more devastating than helpful. But please approach them. Just the fact that you have brought this up indicates that there are issues, at lest with the abortion, that you still need to deal with.

I would also recommend you speak with a professional marriage counselor, at least on your own, for the same reason.

We all pay heavily for the sins we commit. Christ promises forgiveness and healing, but he doesn’t promise it will come instantaneously. You have confessed; you are forgiven. God does love you with an unending love. But this isn’t going to go away; get help. That is what it is there for.
 
Don’t tell if you think he won’t find out. The Priest gave you excellent advice…it’s between you and God. Why open old wounds if you are truly sorry, confessed your sins and have recieved absolution.
 
Just my :twocents:
There are somethings that are left best unsaid. If I found out about my Wifes abortion, it would stain my vision of her. It would not destroy my love of course, but it would put her in a differant light.
I also think maybe its something to tell him at a certain time, maybe a crisis of some sort.
Good luck and God Bless.

Peace 🙂
Jermosh
 
While she is under no moral obligation to tell her husband, she seems to be saying that she is deeply conflicted about keeping this secret. Many people are saying that IF he isn’t going to find out, then she shouldn’t tell him. But there are no assurances that he is NOT going to find out. As long as there is the possibility that he might, she may feel tortured about the secret she can not share. It might be better for her to plan on telling him at some point in the future and build her relationship with her husband in the meantime. Not being able to tell him suggests that their relationship is not yet where it needs to be for her to share her past and be assured of his support and love.
 
La Chiara:
Not being able to tell him suggests that their relationship is not yet where it needs to be for her to share her past and be assured of his support and love.
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Exactly! It may be painful and difficult, but the relationship can only grow and get better by that shared understanding and support.

I have to say that I am shocked by how many people said not to tell because it would be “selfish”. I think that is way off.
 
Dear Mary, There is a Catholic, Scripture-based ministry to Post-abortive women and men. It is Rachel’s Vineyard and it offers a weekend retreat of healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation to women, men, grandparents and siblings who have suffered or been affected by loss associated with abortion. We have Mass, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Living Scripture meditations based on the Ignatian, Eucharistic Adoration and sharing. The website is www.rachelsvineyard.org. The national hotline number is (877) HOPE-4-ME. Retreats are offered nationally and internationally and there’s probably one every weekend of the year. We have seen the Holy Spirit bring healing to couples in situations like yours many times over. Many women have found that their husbands are strongly supportive of them when an abortion in their past is finally shared. I will keep you in my prayers that you find the way the Lord wants you to go.

Love in Christ Jesus,
Catholic Mama
 
IMO I would say no. What advantage would this have? It might relieve some burden for you but who knows what pain it might cause you husband? You, from what I gather from your post, are forgivin and this, for the sake of your husband, is a dog that should be left sleeping.

God bless you.
 
my heart goes out to you and I share your pain. Please pray for guidance in this issue. It is good you sought spiritual counsel. My advice is to pray for guidance. God will reveal His plan in His own time, until then just keep praying for guidance. I will pray for you.
((hug to you))
 
I am so sorry for your loss, and glad that you answered God’s call to return to the sacraments. God’s grace and mercy are truly wondrous.

None of us can tell you what to do. I told my husband for a few reasons. One was that it could have adversely affected my fertility, and I thought he should know that. Another was that after I had accepted and confessed and been healed, I was still the mother of a deceased child. When certain events and days upset me, I didn’t want him thinking he was the cause of my pain. Also, when the opportunity arose for us to receive training to teach NFP, I was drawn to that as a means of reparation and I could share that because he knew. He also understands that I am so drawn to the pro-life cause because I suffered much from the “pro choice” lies.

God bless you, whatever you decide.
 
Not unless he needs to know.

We are not obliged to tell other our sins unless it is going to or has affected them.

If you have made your confession then I am sure you will eventually be fine.

God forgives, sometimes before we forgive ourselves and we have all done things we regret. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.

In fact I would not even think of it.
 
If you need others to confide in I would contact your nearest Project Rachel.

It is a ministry helping those who have had abortions.

Your local diocese or BirthRight office can tell you where the nearest one is. I think they have trained counsellors and private and group sessions.
 
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StratusRose:
If your husband will not love you anymore for what you did over a decade ago, then I would question his unconditional love for you.
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Wow.

You are kidding right? What human has unconditional love? We condition our love on all sorts of things, all the time, every day.

As a husband and father, a person learns that his wife abused her own child ten years ago–abused that child to point of death–who wouldn’t have to adjust his feelings and trust for his wife?

I am not suggesting a divorce is warranted, but our actions, including murder of an innocent, do have results. I don’t think this woman’s husband is a bad guy in this scenario.
 
I disagree with a lot of people here, but don’t take my advice over that of your priest and a competent counsellor. First, You have been through a horrific experience, regardless of culpability, and first should have help in healing. Project Rachel retreats are invaluable for this and will help you immeasurably. they are listed in the National Catholic Reporter nationwide, and probably there is a website. Yes, God has forgiven you, but supposed you set a fire in which others were killed and you were badly burned. Even though you paid for the property damage, were forgiven by the victims families, and went through the legal process, your own injuries would still need healing and treatment.

Second, your husband needs to know for you to develop true intimacy in your marriage. He should have been told while you were engaged. Something happened that is going to have long term effects on your physcial and spiritual health, he has to know.

Third, are there other people in your family who know about this? If so, you can guarantee he will find out about it someday, from somebody else, and this will be very damaging to your marriage.

that’s my two cents, and I don’t pretend to predict how your husband would react. I am active in pro-life activities and my reaction would be care, concern for your healing, prayer for you and your baby.
 
Yes, your husband should know this. You should have told him this a long time ago. As previously stated, this abortion has wounded you and you will probably always be healing from it. Your husband must know this. If there are secrets of this magnitude between you, how can you ever have true intimacy with him?
 
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