Should I tell my husband?

[PleaseAdviseMe]

Please could someone give me some advice about the below situation. I would be really grateful as it is something that is all of a sudden really troubling me.

Let me first say that I do not even recognise myself in what I am about to write. I feel like I am writing about another person. I am married to a man and in my late 20s. I have always been an insecure person and thought very little of myself. When I was about 17 my female best friend made some sexual suggestions/advances. Kissing and then some things beyond. I was in no way at any stage sexually attracted to her. I have never questioned my sexuality. I can honestly say I have never felt myself attracted to females - this was not a girlfriend relationship. I wanted a boyfriend. I guess I was curious about sexual matters as I had never known any boys as I went to an all girls school and thought I would never be able to get anybody and was vulnerable because I wanted attention. I used to pray every night that I would meet a man to settle down with before this started, during and after and remembering sitting in my flat crying to myself that I was never going to meet anyone. I was friends with this person a number of years and intermittently something of a sexual nature would occur. I cannot really explain why these experiences happened more than once as I did not really like them, was very detached and said it was wrong at the time. All I can put it down to is my insecurity which is no excuse but is all the reason I have. I am no longer friends with the girl for unrelated reasons and met my husband after any of this occurred. My husband proposed to me very much out of the blue and took me by surprise. For various reasons we had quite a rushed marriage. I had confessed my sin before he proposed but had not thought much about it because the whole thing had not meant anything to me but was simply curiosity/insecurity and some years had passed since it occurred before he proposed. I didn’t see it as counting as a sexual past. I had no other even remotely sexual experiences. I can honestly say for right or wrong it did not occur to me to tell him about this. Various things happened in my life just after we got engaged which completely sidetracked my mind from thinking about anything that I probably should have thought of. That sounds like a very weak thing to say but it is true and to be honest I was not really mentally ready for marriage. Some comment my husband recently made basically about having found someone pure has brought this all to the forefront of my mind and I am suddenly wracked with guilt that I have not told him. He is a devout Catholic and does not approve of homosexuality. Neither do I. That sounds odd given what I have said above but I never have approved of it. I did not view myself as doing something homosexual and never had any sexual feeling for the person. It was more just like an experience. I know that if I tell my husband he will leave me as far he can within the bounds allowed by the Church and my parents would also react in an extreme way. I have been married for a couple of years now and do not know why this has just come to me. It is like I blocked it out and did not view it for what an outsider would see it as. My question is do I now tell my husband? Knowing that will upturn a lot of people’s lives or do I not? I feel so wracked with guilt I do not know what to do. I am disgusted by myself. I was then and still am. I am not the person I have written about. I have always been the prim proper and clean living sort. I just do not know what to do. I do not deserve my husband at all. I am terrified of losing him but want to do the right thing.

I went to speak to a priest about this this morning and he said I should not tell my husband, that I have confessed my sin and should now forget it as it was not something I did whilst with my husband. It was years ago when I was young and it was experimenting. I said but wasn’t it deceit that I didn’t tell him but he said it was not and that I should not keep bringing up the past and that I should accept God’s forgiveness. I still feel guilt and not comfortable. I feel it is something he has the right to know but at the same time that nothing positive can come of it, just hurt for a lot of people. And also that this has come in to my mind too late. I should have told him before we married. He never asked me about my past. When we were friends he knew i had never had a boyfriend and was a virgin which was important to him. When we got engaged he never asked me anything else and we didn’t have any of the conversations we should have had because we were not living in the same country at the time and I suddenly had something else quite major happen in my life which sidetracked everything. I should probably add in case anyone thinks it is relevant that I was brought up Catholic but converted in my mid 20s. I would really really appreciate hearing people’s thoughts.

 

[Polluted]

You are overthinking this. You have been absolved of your sins. It’s done with. And you were plenty pure at the time of your marriage. Just because you engaged in a disordered act doesn’t mean YOU or your situation is disordered from the start. And as for myself I don’t count anything sexual with someone of the same sex “losing your virginty”

Mellow out friend I don’t see any reason to tell your husband, if this happened during your marriage that’s different, but why let your husband over think this issue when it’s over and done with. At this point it’s as big as you wanna make it. Just let it die.

 

[LongingSoul]

God bless you. You are definitely being too condemnatory of yourself here. As I read your story, it occurred to me that you are feeling the type of ‘guilt’ that a lot of child abuse victims feel when they get older. This friend, I am glad she isn’t in your life anymore because her behaviour sounds more predatory than you might realise.

I wouldn’t tell your husband about it but I would definitely address it in a counselling session if you get the opportunity. We can be absolved of our sins completely but when they continue to cause anxiety it’s often a sign there is more to the story of what happened that needs to be healed.

 

[1ke]

My question is do I now tell my husband?

Absolutely not.

I feel so wracked with guilt I do not know what to do.

Forgive yourself as Christ has already forgiven you. This has been confessed in sacramental confession.

I do not deserve my husband at all.

Get some therapy if you still believe these sorts of things. We are ALL sinners. Your husband sinned before he met you, maybe not the same sins as you but certainly sins aplenty. Do not convince yourself he is “more” worthy or you are “less” worthy or any such nonsense.

I am terrified of losing him but want to do the right thing.

the right thing is therapy for these irrational thoughts of him not deserving you or you not being worthy.

I went to speak to a priest about this this morning and he said I should not tell my husband

He is absolutely right. Follow your priest’s advice.

. I said but wasn’t it deceit that I didn’t tell him

No. Your husband has no right to this information you’ve confessed and been forgiven for.

 

[Sunbreak]

Nothing good will come from telling your husband this information, so no, do not tell him. Listen to what the priest told you.

 

[PTL]

Absolutely do NOT tell your husband. There is no need. You are not hiding anything. According to what you wrote, that was just some incidents and you never had any feelings or intentions. Why bring this up all of a sudden? Please take everyone’s advice and just forget about it. Never mention. Please.

 

[Spritus1]

Do what your confessor advised. It was a mistake, made when you were young and vulnerable. It does NOT define you. It didn’t then and it doesn’t now.

Forget it. Accept the Lord’s forgiveness. And move on.

Peace.

 

[Convert1]

Listen to your priest. And to God. You are forgiven. Try your best to move on.

 

[Mike_Dye]

I agree with your priest. I would not tell your husband if I were you. It happened when you were 17. If I went around blabbing about every stupid thing I did when I was a dumb *** kid I wouldn’t have time for anything else.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I want to sincerely thank you all for your responses. Reading that other people do not think it is not wrong not to say anything is really helping me mentally. In particular I want to thank Longing Soul and 1ke.

LongingSoul, I do not know how you managed to come to the opinion you did but what you said has struck a chord with me about my guilt, particularly the predatory nature. I have never spoken about this to anyone like this but you have put something into words that I haven’t been able to. I do not know quite how to express it.

1ke, I do feel like I am less worthy than my husband. I have not thought of myself another way but I appreciate you pointing out that I am not as it is not something I have been told before.

You are both probably right that I should seek counseling. I think I would actually like to get some if it is helpful.I am just not sure how to do it as my husband and I are always together and so it would be difficult to organize. I am starting to feel like I should though as there are a few things in my life that I think might be tied in to all this that have been bothering me and causing issues.

 

[1ke]

her behaviour sounds more predatory

I thought that too.

 

[SilverShadow22]

Females are naturally more affectionate than males, or, at least, we can do more hugging and touching with each other before it becomes or even seems improper. This probably blurs the line between affection and sexual affection to a confusing extent… It’s so easy to think that all intense affection must be expressed sexually, because that’s what society tells us. So I don’t find it hard to believe that you were taken by surprise about how things got out of hand.

I was once so unused to physical affection of any kind that I used to block out getting hugged by relatives or friends of the family. I literally blanked my mind to the discomfort of the unwanted hug, giving in because it was expected of me. I could see it coming but I couldn’t get out of it, so I just shut down, and afterward, it seemed like it never happened.

So if we supposed for the sake of argument that these hugs I received…and blanked out…were in reality inappropriate, but I went along because that’s what everyone around me considered normal, and expected of me…

Then, in microcosm, I can understand exactly what happened to you. Thankfully I was not in fact handled inappropriately, so I can only understand on a very minute level.

By nature I lean more toward total honesty, but there is a time to hold things back. So, given that you didn’t intentionally hide anything at the time of your marriage, I agree that it may be counterproductive to bring it up now.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

SilverShadow22, actually I was not an affectionate person at all. I never used to like hugs or kisses from my family or anything like that. I would run away as a child which my family would joke about. This friend of mine started off by getting me to let her hug me and then quite persistently upped things from there.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Meh, if it were me, I’d tell him. Because this is something that is troubling you, it would seem right to share, but maybe after you have had some therapy, so that you can tell him more in “this is something that happened to me” sort of way as opposed to an apologetic “this is what I did”

It doesn’t sound as if you did anything wrong, which is why I think you should feel comfortable telling him, but perhaps that may come with therapy that helps you to understand that you were a victim.

 

[Dorothy]

Listen to your priest, and trust in our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[ClearWater]

I’d say your priest gave sound advice.

 

[LongingSoul]

I want to sincerely thank you all for your responses. Reading that other people do not think it is not wrong not to say anything is really helping me mentally. In particular I want to thank Longing Soul and 1ke.

LongingSoul, I do not know how you managed to come to the opinion you did but what you said has struck a chord with me about my guilt, particularly the predatory nature. I have never spoken about this to anyone like this but you have put something into words that I haven’t been able to. I do not know quite how to express it.

1ke, I do feel like I am less worthy than my husband. I have not thought of myself another way but I appreciate you pointing out that I am not as it is not something I have been told before.

You are both probably right that I should seek counseling. I think I would actually like to get some if it is helpful.I am just not sure how to do it as my husband and I are always together and so it would be difficult to organize. I am starting to feel like I should though as there are a few things in my life that I think might be tied in to all this that have been bothering me and causing issues.

I’m not a counsellor mind you, but I’ve volunteered with a Catholic family counselling organisation for a very long time in a capacity that’s allowed me to become a little part of clients experience through listening and chatting ‘off to the side’ kind of thing. You become familiar with the phrasing and feelings that people have that point to common experiences.

Your post sounded to me like someone who feels they’ve lost their very innocence through what’s happened, but that isn’t true. Innocence is a beautiful thing but not everyone values it as a virtue to be loved. Some see it as a weakness to be exploited for their own selfish gain.

When your husband said he liked that you were ‘pure’, it’s predictably made you feel like you are a hypocrit. Counselling will really help you through this type of thing and help you to nurture a better relationship with your husband. He may himself be putting too much emphasis on an image of his wife that could never be met by anyone but Our Lady!

I’m glad you’ve been somewhat reassured by all the posts. It helps to have an outside perspective sometimes.

 

[PTL]

PleaseAdviseMe,

While it may be hard to arrange professional counseling, you can always seek counseling with your parish priest. Talking to your priest does not involve a fee and your husband does not need to know. Even if he knows you are talking to a priest, he probably won’t suspect anything. Devout Catholics do engage in private conversation with priest for spiritual directions. Talking to your priest will help you. It is counseling from the spiritual point of view. He can pray for your healing and all the sessions will be confidential. God bless!

 

[Allegra]

I think your priest was correct. It isn’t necessary or healthy for spouses to go into detail about past sins against chastity.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I’m not a counsellor mind you, but I’ve volunteered with a Catholic family counselling organisation for a very long time in a capacity that’s allowed me to become a little part of clients experience through listening and chatting ‘off to the side’ kind of thing. You become familiar with the phrasing and feelings that people have that point to common experiences.

Your post sounded to me like someone who feels they’ve lost their very innocence through what’s happened, but that isn’t true. Innocence is a beautiful thing but not everyone values it as a virtue to be loved. Some see it as a weakness to be exploited for their own selfish gain.

When your husband said he liked that you were ‘pure’, it’s predictably made you feel like you are a hypocrit. Counselling will really help you through this type of thing and help you to nurture a better relationship with your husband. He may himself be putting too much emphasis on an image of his wife that could never be met by anyone but Our Lady!

I’m glad you’ve been somewhat reassured by all the posts. It helps to have an outside perspective sometimes.

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.