Should I tell my husband?

[crystal_waters]

Listen to your priest…you have confessed your sin and received forgiveness…you haven’t been unfaithful to your husband as this happened before you met him…and forgive me if I’m wrong but it kind of sounds like the friend took advantage of you/preyed on you as though it happened multiple times you dont sound like you wanted any of it to happen…

 

[St_Francis]

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.

I have heard some priests talking about woundedness, which can come by what we choose to do and also from what others do to us: we can be wounded even if we have not sinned.

These priests suggested asking Jesus to heal us of our wounds, and letting go so He can do that.

Since I do not know much more than that, I would suggest talking to you priest about it. He seems to be a very good priest and he is able to talk with you in real life, which is important for things like this.

Christ does not want you to be anxious about this. He has forgiven you and wants you to be at peace. When I feel anxious about things, I treat it as I wiuld a temptation and I pray for help!

Do not tell your husband!!! and I hope you will be able to talk this over more with your priest who seems good at spiritual counsel.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Please could someone give me some advice about the below situation. I would be really grateful as it is something that is all of a sudden really troubling me.

Let me first say that I do not even recognise myself in what I am about to write. I feel like I am writing about another person. I am married to a man and in my late 20s. I have always been an insecure person and thought very little of myself. When I was about 17 my female best friend made some sexual suggestions/advances. Kissing and then some things beyond. I was in no way at any stage sexually attracted to her. I have never questioned my sexuality. I can honestly say I have never felt myself attracted to females - this was not a girlfriend relationship. I wanted a boyfriend. I guess I was curious about sexual matters as I had never known any boys as I went to an all girls school and thought I would never be able to get anybody and was vulnerable because I wanted attention. I used to pray every night that I would meet a man to settle down with before this started, during and after and remembering sitting in my flat crying to myself that I was never going to meet anyone. I was friends with this person a number of years and intermittently something of a sexual nature would occur. I cannot really explain why these experiences happened more than once as I did not really like them, was very detached and said it was wrong at the time. All I can put it down to is my insecurity which is no excuse but is all the reason I have. I am no longer friends with the girl for unrelated reasons and met my husband after any of this occurred. My husband proposed to me very much out of the blue and took me by surprise. For various reasons we had quite a rushed marriage. I had confessed my sin before he proposed but had not thought much about it because the whole thing had not meant anything to me but was simply curiosity/insecurity and some years had passed since it occurred before he proposed. I didn’t see it as counting as a sexual past. I had no other even remotely sexual experiences. I can honestly say for right or wrong it did not occur to me to tell him about this. Various things happened in my life just after we got engaged which completely sidetracked my mind from thinking about anything that I probably should have thought of. That sounds like a very weak thing to say but it is true and to be honest I was not really mentally ready for marriage. Some comment my husband recently made basically about having found someone pure has brought this all to the forefront of my mind and I am suddenly wracked with guilt that I have not told him. He is a devout Catholic and does not approve of homosexuality. Neither do I. That sounds odd given what I have said above but I never have approved of it. I did not view myself as doing something homosexual and never had any sexual feeling for the person. It was more just like an experience. I know that if I tell my husband he will leave me as far he can within the bounds allowed by the Church and my parents would also react in an extreme way. I have been married for a couple of years now and do not know why this has just come to me. It is like I blocked it out and did not view it for what an outsider would see it as. My question is do I now tell my husband? Knowing that will upturn a lot of people’s lives or do I not? I feel so wracked with guilt I do not know what to do. I am disgusted by myself. I was then and still am. I am not the person I have written about. I have always been the prim proper and clean living sort. I just do not know what to do. I do not deserve my husband at all. I am terrified of losing him but want to do the right thing.

No one on here can counter advice that a priest gave you in Confession. You have Confessed and sought counsel in good faith, so take the priests advice and move on.

 

[EasterJoy]

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.

Well, yes, you did lose your innocence, in that you’ve been wounded by “eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” We have all done that in one way or another, including your husband. Remember, Our Lord did not call the woman caught in the act of adultery a hypocrite. He reserved that for people who pretend they are above sinning and use that as an excuse to withhold the very mercy that themselves must depend on.

If your husband would leave you over something he never asked you to disclose before you married, then telling him is a near occasion of sin for him. This is nothing you have done since meeting your husband, let alone since agreeing to marry or taking your vows. Listen to your confessor. Do not tell your husband.

 

[HungerNThirst4R]

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.

You need to stop persecuting yourself. You said in your original post that your husband never asked you about your past, therefore you have never lied to him about it or denied it. We are all sinners, we all have pasts. I often look to St. Augustine when I think about my terrible past, and even when I fall. The only unforgivable sin is thinking that your sins cant be forgiven.

 

[Trident_H]

Ah. What everyone else said. If someone sideswipes your car you’re not supposed to think you’re a danger on the road. Especially if it was legally parked at the time.

I mean I get that the feelings are doing what feelings do. They’re making you guess up a storm. But let’s just think this through clearly.

At what point did you call up your friend who led you in this the next night and said, “Hey yesterday was cool. Let’s do that again!”

Never? Ok. You’re clean. People can use our own bodies against us. They can do that without our consent even. Because physical reactions can live outside even our control.

I know what I’m talking about here. Because I’ve been more like your friend in this. I’ve known what buttons to push. No I wasn’t always a sweet guy. I’m sorry for that. I really am. So trust me. Your friend knew what she was doing. This was not a two-way fix.

Please let yourself off the hook. Starting now.

You really don’t deserve this hurt right now. And if I could turn back time I’d like to undo a spell or two that I cast on others. Others like you even. I mean now that I know what it’s like from the other side. Now that I know the kind of damage it can cause. I wish I could fix what I’ve broken.

So I guess I’m sort of starting with you.

Peace P.A.M. And again. I’m really really sorry. I really am.

-Trident

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Telling your husband would be a very selfish act. You would devastate him and cause damage to your marriage solely to assuage your own guilt. What good will that do? If you can’t let go of the guilt (you should) use it to help you focus should Satan tempt you in the future.

As an aside, compared to the sexual baggage the average Western female, corrupted by 50+ years of feminism, brings to the marriage bed you were pure as the driven snow. Your husband is a lucky man.

 

[Dorothy]

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.

It is the tactic of the evil one to make you feel bad about the past. Instead, keep turning to our Lord Jesus Christ with an act of confidence in His forgiveness! Jesus is always merciful when we repent! He forgets!

The Divine Mercy picture says at the bottom: Jesus, I trust in You! Say it every time you are tempted to feel bad.

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[Sugabee43]

SilverShadow22, actually I was not an affectionate person at all. I never used to like hugs or kisses from my family or anything like that. I would run away as a child which my family would joke about. This friend of mine started off by getting me to let her hug me and then quite persistently upped things from there.

This statement causes me to think she was even more predatory than originally thought. If she started off small and things got “bigger”, then it sounds a whole lot like “grooming”. ICK.

Don’t tell your husband- that sin (and I’m not even sure I’d call it a sin, because you were misled) is FORGIVEN and GONE. I made the mistake of telling my husband something that I’d already confessed and been forgiven for, that was long before we met, and now I regret telling him. Just saying.

You are God’s child- worthy of His love ALWAYS!! No matter what you’ve done, or what you look like… He loves you just the way you are!!

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

If she started off small and things got “bigger”

That is how things went…

I just feel bad about it but now that I have had outside perspective from people here and the priest I will remember all of your words to try to counter my thoughts.

 

[SilverShadow22]

SilverShadow22, actually I was not an affectionate person at all. I never used to like hugs or kisses from my family or anything like that. I would run away as a child which my family would joke about. This friend of mine started off by getting me to let her hug me and then quite persistently upped things from there.

Forgive me if I didn’t make myself clear, but I’m not much for physical affection, either. That’s exactly why I blacked it out. For me, expressing affection physically is the height of such expression, and not to be given or received lightly.

I can imagine myself, when younger, perhaps having gotten into a situation like the one you describe. If a good friend tried to convince me that I was too cold, needed to open up, that such expressions were normal and even healthy, I may have complied, with or without blanking out, out of curiosity or a bleak acknowledgement that perhaps there was something wrong with me…

I now know more about myself, that I have a certain nature, part of which is that I’m not bubbly and easily affectionate, and I needn’t try to be. Affection is a thing that is gray - neither right nor wrong in itself, but in how it is intended or expressed. She obviously had designs on you. You didn’t mean it to be sexual, so on your part, it wasn’t, and therefore I wouldn’t even consider it homosexual.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. Other people have said things that are probably more helpful. But since I have an overanalyzing nature myself, your distress hit me in a particular way, and I just want to extend my understanding and sympathy. :sad_yes:

 

[PTL]

Do you pray the Rosary? If not, I highly recommend you to pray it. If you do, I suggest you to pray the Rosary every day. Rosary is the best weapon to fight against the evil and any temptation. God bless !

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

Forgive me if I didn’t make myself clear, but I’m not much for physical affection, either. That’s exactly why I blacked it out. For me, expressing affection physically is the height of such expression, and not to be given or received lightly.

I can imagine myself, when younger, perhaps having gotten into a situation like the one you describe. If a good friend tried to convince me that I was too cold, needed to open up, that such expressions were normal and even healthy, I may have complied, with or without blanking out, out of curiosity or a bleak acknowledgement that perhaps there was something wrong with me…

I now know more about myself, that I have a certain nature, part of which is that I’m not bubbly and easily affectionate, and I needn’t try to be. Affection is a thing that is gray - neither right nor wrong in itself, but in how it is intended or expressed. She obviously had designs on you. You didn’t mean it to be sexual, so on your part, it wasn’t, and therefore I wouldn’t even consider it homosexual.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. Other people have said things that are probably more helpful. But since I have an overanalyzing nature myself, your distress hit me in a particular way, and I just want to extend my understanding and sympathy. :sad_yes:

Thank you for adding that post. I have a really overanalysing nature which is why this is causing me an issue. I am the sort of person that every time I try to move forward with it something else springs in to my head that I have wronged my husband in some way.

What you said about curiosity and bleak acknowledgment of recognising something was wrong with me does sound familiar to me on top of my insecurity. She was very persistent in general and, like I say, started small and upped things. She kept saying to me that we were just being close friends and would be overly nice to me. She didn’t really listen if I said no on several occasions about something. She would just try again another time. It just spiralled into this horrible web that I didn’t really know how to get out of as I was in a bit of a needy stage in life, particularly at one point as things were going on in my family and she was my only friend. I will admit occasionally I wanted attention but that was when I well in this web she had created. I would never ever have done myself. I was always disgusted.

It is just not something I could ever properly explain to someone like my husband so he understood that this was not me being sexually interested in someone and acting on it. It was a really warped situation that I find really hard to explain. I just know he wanted someone 100% pure and thinks I am and in my mind I am. I did not see it as having a sexual past.

 

[As_for_my_House]

I do feel like I have lost my innocence. I feel like I am an innocent person and then I remember what happened and I suddenly feel dirty and bad. I have trouble reconciling it as I do not feel like I am a bad person. It was what my husband said to me that yes like you said brought things back to me and made me feel a hypocrite and like I was deceiving and doing wrong to him which is what sent me in a tailspin. I did not want it to be like he was living a lie with someone not deserving of him. I hope I can resolve these issues and the others I have stemming from them in the future. I will not tell my husband. I feel less bad about not doing so having read everything everyone has said.

Sometime the evil one sometimes attacks us because he wants us to feel guilty for sins that we’ve already confessed and that God has forgiven.It’s a way that he can hold on to the control that that sin had over us. I would say that this is one of those instances. You where young and it sounds like you were very confused by this unhealthy relationship, the relationship has ended. You have confessed your part in this. God has forgiven.
God has forgotten.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I have a question about confession and forgiveness. I understand what people are saying about a sin having been confessed and forgiven by God but are you also meant to make earthly reparations so to speak for what you have done/to whom you have wronged? I ask this not just in relation to the issue I made this thread for but also for general knowledge.I think this is the point that is confusing me. I am aware that God has forgiven me, although I am finding it hard to get my mind to stop thinking the way it has been, I will work on that but this point about whether I should be making earthly reparation too confuses me.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have a question about confession and forgiveness. I understand what people are saying about a sin having been confessed and forgiven by God but are you also meant to make earthly reparations so to speak for what you have done/to whom you have wronged? I ask this not just in relation to the issue I made this thread for but also for general knowledge.I think this is the point that is confusing me. I am aware that God has forgiven me, although I am finding it hard to get my mind to stop thinking the way it has been, I will work on that but this point about whether I should be making earthly reparation too confuses me.

That’s something you’ll need to talk to your priest about.

 

[SilverShadow22]

I’m not sure that telling your husband even falls under reparation, since this was a thing done mostly to you and not by you, and also you weren’t even aware of his existence at the time it occurred, so you were not violating a relationship with him.

Reparation mostly refers to restoring what was stolen, making amends if you have hurt someone emotionally, undoing a lie that you have told someone, etcetera.

In this case, there isn’t a direct call for reparation, and like others have suggested, perhaps what is needed is to resolve the whole thing first, and if possible heal the wound. Then at a later time you may perhaps tell your husband, but in a ‘this (resolved) hurt was brought upon me’ and not in a ‘I’m not as pure are you think’ kind of way.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I’m not sure that telling your husband even falls under reparation, since this was a thing done mostly to you and not by you, and also you weren’t even aware of his existence at the time it occurred, so you were not violating a relationship with him.

Reparation mostly refers to restoring what was stolen, making amends if you have hurt someone emotionally, undoing a lie that you have told someone, etcetera.

In this case, there isn’t a direct call for reparation, and like others have suggested, perhaps what is needed is to resolve the whole thing first, and if possible heal the wound. Then at a later time you may perhaps tell your husband, but in a ‘this (resolved) hurt was brought upon me’ and not in a ‘I’m not as pure are you think’ kind of way.

Thank you. That has given me some perspective.

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I am struggling with this as I read some old messages from my friend. I am very confused by the whole thing as to what exactly went on.

I have messages where she keeps on about wanting to be close friends. I agree about wanting to be genuine and close friends and I don’t mind her hugging me now. The sense from my messages is that I was really desperate for a friend. She has commented in some of her messages that she knows I don’t want certain things to happen that she had obviously said to me and she keeps reassuring me that we are just friends. I do not have any e-mails really apart from school related ones beyond that so I really do not know how things happened after. I clearly blocked things out of my mind. However, I keep having flashbacks of some things that happened and feeling like I want to throw up. I do not know how much of this was an abuse situation or experimentation or what. All I know for 100% sure is I had said no to things, that I was never sexually attracted to this person, and that at that point in my life I was extremely sexually immature. I did not even know what French kissing involved in theory until my friend told me. I was like a child where my knowledge and exposure to all things sexual was concerned. I was the sort who would fast forward sex scenes in films and things like that so I had very little knowledge of anything.

I appreciate all your patience and that I do need counselling but that given it is the holiday season that is really something I cannot do right now. Please please could someone explain to me why they do not think this is something my husband needs to know about. I know people have said that my sin is forgiven but if I have married my husband and not disclosed this information that he would never have married me because of surely that is terribly wrong. If he thinks I was 100% pure and I was not as I had had some sexual encounters how can I live my life with someone who was 100% pure knowing that? Is this not the sort of thing it is evil not to disclose?

 

[PleaseAdviseMe]

What things of a person’s sexual past do and do not need to be disclosed?

Just to clarify the sense of my genuine and close friends comment above as it will not let me edit the post. There were a lot of bitchy fake people at school and I just meant I didn’t want that kind of friend.