Should I tell my husband?

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People have told you that it’s okay for you not to share this bit of history, but clearly you’re not satisfied. I don’t think we on the forum can give you the peace of mind you’re seeking.

It’s obvious that you need to work through what happened, so I agree that going to a therapist is an extremely necessary step. I think you need to come to a good understanding with yourself about what you did, what was done to you, how you feel about it, and THEN decide whether and what to tell your husband.

I don’t know your husband, but it would be kind of surprising to me if he thought you were evil and revolting based on what you’ve shared. On a related note, I don’t think it’s very healthy for you to pedestalize your husband as some awesomely superior being. You should respect him, of course, and appreciate him, and not denigrate him, but remember that you’re not his child or servant–you’re his wife. You’re one flesh with him.
 
I didn’t read any of the other responses so maybe this was already said, but it sounds like you were assaulted. There are all kinds of possible reactions, one of which is going along with it.

It doesn’t sound like you wanted the contact, initiated it, or could even process what was going on.

If you were to tell your husband, I would imagine you would tell him in this context rather than one of sin on your part.
 
PleaseAdviseMe said:
I am struggling with this as I read some old messages from my friend. I am very confused by the whole thing as to what exactly went on.

I have messages where she keeps on about wanting to be close friends. I agree about wanting to be genuine and close friends and I don’t mind her hugging me now. The sense from my messages is that I was really desperate for a friend. She has commented in some of her messages that she knows I don’t want certain things to happen that she had obviously said to me and she keeps reassuring me that we are just friends. I do not have any e-mails really apart from school related ones beyond that so I really do not know how things happened after. I clearly blocked things out of my mind. However, I keep having flashbacks of some things that happened and feeling like I want to throw up. I do not know how much of this was an abuse situation or experimentation or what. All I know for 100% sure is I had said no to things, that I was never sexually attracted to this person, and that at that point in my life I was extremely sexually immature. I did not even know what French kissing involved in theory until my friend told me. I was like a child where my knowledge and exposure to all things sexual was concerned. I was the sort who would fast forward sex scenes in films and things like that so I had very little knowledge of anything.

I appreciate all your patience and that I do need counselling but that given it is the holiday season that is really something I cannot do right now. Please please could someone explain to me why they do not think this is something my husband needs to know about. I know people have said that my sin is forgiven but if I have married my husband and not disclosed this information that he would never have married me because of surely that is terribly wrong. If he thinks I was 100% pure and I was not as I had had some sexual encounters how can I live my life with someone who was 100% pure knowing that? Is this not the sort of thing it is evil not to disclose?
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I suggest you delete those messages. From what you’ve said, it sounds as though your friend took advantage of your naivety, and manipulated your emotions. I agree that you should get some counselling to help you work through this, and if you are unable to find somewhere right now, go to your Priest.

You are under no obligation to tell your husband. Your friend is the real guilty party in this, IMO.

Lou
 
Some things are better kept to yourself. There is no reason to tell him, especially if you think it will cause problems for your marriage.
 
I have been doing my best with this over the past couple of weeks but there has been fall out as I have been getting anxiety attacks which I have not always been able to hide. I have used these to say to my husband that I am feeling troubled and may want to go and get therapy in the coming weeks. I have not told him the main reason why but have referred to some things which tie in to the real reason. He does not have a problem with me seeing anyone but he doesn’t seem to understand weakness or vulnerability in people. He seems to think that people should just be stronger. I can understand that in some contexts but not in others. He has a very high moral standard and does not understand the idea of deviating from that. Obviously people follow their moral code but does that mean they should be judged harshly if they fail for reasons that have made them vulnerable?

In my situation for example, although I had a privileged childhood it was emotionally quite difficult. Although he always cared and provided for us my father was an alcoholic who had very unpredictable, frequent and quite extreme anger issues. My mother is a very innocent and weak person who I was very close to. More than once we would be having to pack our bags and about to leave. Even in the middle of the night once as we were scared he was going to turn very violent. So I grew up in quite a tumultuous environment of arguments and always trying to protect and support my mother. I do not have a big family so did not have anyone to speak to except my grandmother who I loved dearly but she died in my early teens. I stayed off school for months to support my mother as she had had a breakdown for over a year when her father died before I was born and I was scared the same would happen again. The only other person around was my aunt who had a severe eating disorder who had been providing a great deal of stress for my mother and grandmother. I did not have many friends in junior school and was always trying to hide my life from them so could not have them to my house or anything. During junior school my mother also turned to drink for a year. When I went to senior school I had no friends and was bullied for various reasons. Not physically but enough to upset me. I had extremely low self esteem at this point and was in denial about growing up. I wanted to stay a child and did not sexually mature the normal way. I wore man sized tops to hide that I was physically developing, refused to acknowledge I needed a bra or to even say the word, and denied flatly to anyone that asked that I liked any boys at all until I was nearly in sixth form even though for a couple of years I had had a couple of silly but intense celebrity crushes. My sexual state was not lustful. I thought men were attractive but could not understand when people would go on about someone’s abs or anything. I was at more of a young girl level of thinking men were good looking and wanting to be with one but not physically lustful for them, I just wanted to end happily ever after with one in some Disney like way. I didn’t think that any man would ever want me.

The friend referred to in my first post came along in the midst of all of this when I was mid teens. She was the only person I got on with. For a long time I pretended I didn’t need any friends but I know I did. Anyway she was absolutely determined to be my friend and although I guess I didn’t realise it at the time she completely changed herself to be exactly who I would want as a friend in terms of interests, views on things, everything about herself etc. It later came to light that she was obsessed with me. She showered me with attention, support, complements about insecurities and when I felt uncomfortable with all of that she would always be reassuring me that she was my friend. This was the context in which the sexual things started. She gradually tried to knock down barriers. Starting with the fact that she knew I didn’t like people hugging me. And then it went from there. I was so confused by it all and don’t think I could fully process what was going on because I had no interest in women and did not expect to deal with this kind of thing from my best friend. I wanted a friendship but she kept on turning to sexual things. I did say no a number of times to things and remember freezing and trying to pull away when she first started trying to do something physically but she was persistent and kept saying we were just close friends. I find it really hard to understand now why I did not just stop being friends with her. At this point I think i mentally started to desexualise her actions (which is why I think when this all suddenly hit me the other week I felt physically sick) so that I went along with it and saw doing anything more as a game. I feel like I went back to when children play kissing games in the playground. They don’t mean anything by it. They just have seen a behaviour and are going through the motions like a game. The problem was she went beyond kissing. I kept trying to rein things back but she kept pushing for more. Around the time when I was going to go to university my father got involved with a woman five years older than me. He started living away from home a lot of the week. My mother was completely crushed when I told her about there being a woman. I did not know how to respond because I was the one who found out and bottled it up for a while. He also made some comment around this time that he was going to commit suicide and various other things. My friend had also gone to university in the same city as me and was the only person I had around so this disgusting state of affairs continued despite me keep saying I wanted it to stop. Eventually my friend chameleonised again to become like some new people she she had met as we drew to the end of university and we had no further contact with each other. It was after this when I went to do another course that I first met my husband.
 
I don’t know that anyone is going to want to read all the above. At the moment I feel writing it out has helped a little bit but I am sure I will get anxious again because I keep blaming and beating myself up for ever allowing any of this to happen.
For anyone who does read it, thank you. I just feel that I am a really bad person right now and have deceived and shamed my family and my husband by doing things that are completely against what I believe in. My husband’s general lack of empathy for weak people unless they have proper problems has just made me question things. I had started to try to tell myself that I should not blame myself so viciously as I am but now he has made me wonder. I have been praying every day for guidance from God. I trust in Him that things will improve but it is just hard right now. I don’t want to feel like this or have it ruin my life. I am sorry for the shame I have brought upon people if they knew about it but I just want to be a good wife and daughter now and live without guilt.
 
I am very glad it made you feel better to type this, but we cannot replace proper therapy, which you need pronto. We cannot give you absolution (which you have already received); the assurances you’ve been given that you were a victim of a predatory relationship haven’t made you feel better; and all the advice you’ve been given to let the past stay in the past have not helped you.

Time to go work this out. Time to dig into your past with professional help.

You may also want to explore in therapy healthy ways to respond to your husband if he dismisses your problems–which, honestly, you have not represented him as doing. You say he’s impatient with weakness, but also that he doesn’t have a problem with you seeing someone. What more do you want? Go! The “sucking it up and being stronger” approach isn’t working for you!
 
I am going to be going. I have not been able to get a hold of anyone yet. I am going to make some phone calls on Monday.

I guess I just posted it get it out of me a bit and to provide some context to see if anyone’s views would change.
 
PleaseAdviseMe said:
Please could someone give me some advice about the below situation. I would be really grateful as it is something that is all of a sudden really troubling me.

Let me first say that I do not even recognise myself in what I am about to write. I feel like I am writing about another person. I am married to a man and in my late 20s. I have always been an insecure person and thought very little of myself. When I was about 17 my female best friend made some sexual suggestions/advances. Kissing and then some things beyond. I was in no way at any stage sexually attracted to her. I have never questioned my sexuality. I can honestly say I have never felt myself attracted to females - this was not a girlfriend relationship. I wanted a boyfriend. I guess I was curious about sexual matters as I had never known any boys as I went to an all girls school and thought I would never be able to get anybody and was vulnerable because I wanted attention. I used to pray every night that I would meet a man to settle down with before this started, during and after and remembering sitting in my flat crying to myself that I was never going to meet anyone. I was friends with this person a number of years and intermittently something of a sexual nature would occur. I cannot really explain why these experiences happened more than once as I did not really like them, was very detached and said it was wrong at the time. All I can put it down to is my insecurity which is no excuse but is all the reason I have. I am no longer friends with the girl for unrelated reasons and met my husband after any of this occurred. My husband proposed to me very much out of the blue and took me by surprise. For various reasons we had quite a rushed marriage. I had confessed my sin before he proposed but had not thought much about it because the whole thing had not meant anything to me but was simply curiosity/insecurity and some years had passed since it occurred before he proposed. I didn’t see it as counting as a sexual past. I had no other even remotely sexual experiences. I can honestly say for right or wrong it did not occur to me to tell him about this. Various things happened in my life just after we got engaged which completely sidetracked my mind from thinking about anything that I probably should have thought of. That sounds like a very weak thing to say but it is true and to be honest I was not really mentally ready for marriage. Some comment my husband recently made basically about having found someone pure has brought this all to the forefront of my mind and I am suddenly wracked with guilt that I have not told him. He is a devout Catholic and does not approve of homosexuality. Neither do I. That sounds odd given what I have said above but I never have approved of it. I did not view myself as doing something homosexual and never had any sexual feeling for the person. It was more just like an experience. I know that if I tell my husband he will leave me as far he can within the bounds allowed by the Church and my parents would also react in an extreme way. I have been married for a couple of years now and do not know why this has just come to me. It is like I blocked it out and did not view it for what an outsider would see it as. My question is do I now tell my husband? Knowing that will upturn a lot of people’s lives or do I not? I feel so wracked with guilt I do not know what to do. I am disgusted by myself. I was then and still am. I am not the person I have written about. I have always been the prim proper and clean living sort. I just do not know what to do. I do not deserve my husband at all. I am terrified of losing him but want to do the right thing.
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You can tell him if you want to but you aren’t under any moral obligation to do so.

Socrates sets up three criteria when trying to decide whether one should or shouldn’t speak:

-is it true
-is it kind
-is it useful

The benefit of choosing to tell him is the therapeutic relief it could provide you, if you feel that is necessary. Your husband is your sacramental companion, and he shares a bond with you that is deeper than any other. No other person on earth, including your confessor, is as well disposed to be a shoulder and a rock to lean on. A spouse is bound through charity, and sealed in covenant, to be a font of healing for the other.

I suppose the risk is wondering if he will fall prey to the sin of judgementalism. If you think he wouldn’t handle the information well, it is best not to speak, and to keep it between a confessor or other spiritual director. When in doubt, obey a spiritual director.
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Bless you … You , I think are being a bit hard on yourself here … The Priest absolved you of your sin in the name of the Father , and of The Son , and of The Holy Spirit … You are forgiven , I’d agree with the Priest on this one there isn’t a need to tell your husband, unless you wanted to I suppose
 
@op:

Do not dwell over how allegedly disgusting you think you are. This is an assault from Satan that is encouraging you to think this way. God loves you and he doesn’t think you are disgusting. God reminds us of his divine justice BEFORE we sin and of his mercy AFTER we sin. The evil one reminds us of God’s mercy BEFORE we sin and of God’s divine justice AFTER we sin. He flips it around because he wants us to be chained to our wrongdoings, instead of wrapping ourselves in our Father’s love.
 
It is great that you will soon speak to someone about this.

It is quite obvious that you have a guilty conscience and that you are trying to explain the circumstances that surrounded the incidents. Since you have been to confession and the sin is forgiven, perhaps you should go back to the priest and talk about doing some more serious penance. I know this might sound a bit old fashioned and these days people prefer therapy to that kind of thing, but penance does help us heal. If your priest understands the gravity of what happened and how it has affected you, he can help you with assigning adequate penance.This is what I would do if I were you.

As for telling the husband, it is tricky. He did not ask you about your past so you were not obliged to disclose these things. I suspect he would be upset if he found out now. Men don’t particularly enjoy hearing about the wife’s past experiences. I once told my husband something and he never forgot it. It made him feel insecure. I regretted telling him but words can’t be taken back.
 
PleaseAdviseMe said:
I don’t know that anyone is going to want to read all the above. At the moment I feel writing it out has helped a little bit but I am sure I will get anxious again because I keep blaming and beating myself up for ever allowing any of this to happen.
For anyone who does read it, thank you. I just feel that I am a really bad person right now and have deceived and shamed my family and my husband by doing things that are completely against what I believe in. My husband’s general lack of empathy for weak people unless they have proper problems has just made me question things. I had started to try to tell myself that I should not blame myself so viciously as I am but now he has made me wonder. I have been praying every day for guidance from God. I trust in Him that things will improve but it is just hard right now. I don’t want to feel like this or have it ruin my life. I am sorry for the shame I have brought upon people if they knew about it but I just want to be a good wife and daughter now and live without guilt.
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OP, you haven’t shamed anyone. You were taken advantage of by someone who was supposed to be your friend, and manipulated into doing things you were uncomfortable with.

Right now, you need to focus on you. Don’t focus on “what if” or “if they knew”, focus on getting some therapy. Do this for yourself, and so you can feel better.

I know your husband’s lack of empathy is upsetting, but don’t take that as a sign to stop getting help. You know how you feel, and you do need some help in working through it. There’s no shame in that at all.

If it makes you feel better to write it down, why don’t you have a diary, or something to write in where you can offload and work through how you’re feeling? I had a lot of anxiety a few months ago, and writing it down made me feel a lot better.

:hug1:

Lou
 
I just want to point something out regarding your husband’s seeming non-empathy.

I’ve been learning a lot about personality types lately, and how having different ways of processing information affects how we interact with the world. I have a type that is considered cold and unfeeling. Sure, on occasion, I literally can’t understand what the fuss is about and will remain perfectly calm while everyone else flips.

But when it comes to caring about people, this ‘coldness’ is a vital form of self-defense. I care so much, and am so moved to right whatever wrongs enter my sphere of influence, that I have to shut myself off in order to survive. This is actually a sign of oversensitivity, not a true lack of sympathy or empathy. I can sympathize quite well; I simply choose not to most of the time, because I can only spread myself so far, and I reserve such efforts for those I really truly personally care about. I save my efforts for where they will do the most good.

Some people are so sensitive that they empathize - literally share feelings with - people very readily, and I somewhat pity them. I can really only rationally sympathize - that is, make an effort to understand what they are feeling - and it is something of an emotional/rational exercise that requires effort.

But the point is, your husband may shrug off distress and say ‘be stronger’ because really, truly letting himself feel the pain and sympathize, or going even further and empathizing, would be too painful. The more ‘rational’ types, relying more heavily on logic, tend to avoid feelings and being swayed by them because objectively, emotion does cloud judgment. They wish to remain in a position to make sound judgment, and in so doing, neglect the real and sometimes positive effects that feeling an emotion in the appropriate moment can bring.

So I would hope this is the case with him - that he has just trained himself to hide how much he cares, and that he is not in fact insensitive. It could also be that he likes to ‘fix’ problems by redefining them out of existence. This can be a result of either irresponsibility or the aforementioned hypersensitivity.

I hope in all cases that the root causes are the more positive ones.

Stay strong!

~ SS22
 
You make a good point SilverShadow22. I know my husband is a bit like how you describe. For years he told me he was incapable of any love and would not have any of it when I told him I thought it was probably to opposite that he was too capable of it. We were just friends at this point and not talking about any attachment between us. Anyway, when he did finally let himself feel love it was so extreme that everyone was so shocked. He has now regressed more towards his old ways, probably a bit worse actually, but it must still be in there somewhere that he has a capacity to feel. He had to deal with some stressful things not long ago which has triggered him back I think. It is good to read stuff about personalities and things like that. It can be really helpful. I did do it years ago but have not for a long time but think perhaps I should again. Kind of helps one understand things through life!
 
My Dear,

You need to forgive yourself. This is an attempt from the devil to ruin the pure love in your marriage. He is the king of deceit and you must continue to pray for healing and the graces necessary to fight off his temptations to doubt God’s forgiveness. God has already given you forgiveness.

Think of it this way. You are possibly being tempted by the devil. God is allowing this to purify your sin on earth so you don’t have to spend time in purgatory for this particular sin. He is giving you a gift here. Cherish it. Take the thoughts when they come and offer them up to God. Show God that you understand that He has forgiven you and you wish to be purified here on earth. Also pray for the person who you were friends with. This may be another reason these thoughts are coming back to you now. Maybe SHE needs prayers, and you are the vessel in which can help her become a better person and lead her to God through your prayers.

I hope this helps. I will pray for you that God’s Will be done.

Dom

P.S. Do NOT tell your husband. It happened before him, you are forgiven for it. Leave the past in the past.
 
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