Should I tell my wife everything?

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AnotherSonofGod

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Hello …I was wondering if it is necessary to tell my wife or soon to be wife everything.

Would it be in her best interest if I do not tell her some things about my past?

…like for example all the bad things!

I think it is better to be focused on good things ahead and to solve problems should they occur rather than worry about the negative past if it no longer has an affect on the future. I also feel it is somewhat important to be upfront about any concerns.

And in regard to concerns financial or personal problems or whatever…
At what point in a relationship should these concerns be addressed?
How long after friendship and how long before engagement?

I apologize for making a new thread for this…
(Someone probably already asked this question)

Any comments or questions would be appreciated.
Please feel free to direct me to a previous one that answers this if you know of one.
 
I think if it is an addiction that can re-emerge down the road or if it is something that can come back to haunt you and your significant other in the future (for example, maybe some friends know about it and it may come up in a conversation after you are married…), then I think you have a responsibility to mention it at some point during your relationship (before engagement). If, however, something happened that was strictly between you and God and you have gone to confession and fully repented of your sin, then I think God has forgotten about it and so should you 🙂 .

As for talks about finances, etc… I think it should defiinitely happen before engagement but as to when exactly is tough to say. I think once you feel that there is a mutual trust and that the conversation topic in question is starting to become the “elephant in the room”, then it is probably a good time to discuss it!
 
I don’t know, what do you expect her to share with you? Everything? What do you think is important to share? What does she think is important to share?

You need to share at the very least those types of things you expect her to share.

Since you will be cooperating as a team if you get married, you’ll need to know if your views on child raising, discipline, finances, social activities, obligations to other family members are compatible. Those all need to be discussed prior to being engaged.

I don’t think you need to share every detail of your life, but certainly those things which help her to understand you. I would also advise sharing those things that, if she finds out from another source, would make her question your motives in hiding them from her.
 
AnotherSonofGod said:
Hello …I was wondering if it is necessary to tell my wife or soon to be wife everything.

Would it be in her best interest if I do not tell her some things about my past?

…like for example all the bad things!

I think it is better to be focused on good things ahead and to solve problems should they occur rather than worry about the negative past if it no longer has an affect on the future. I also feel it is somewhat important to be upfront about any concerns.

And in regard to concerns financial or personal problems or whatever…
At what point in a relationship should these concerns be addressed?
How long after friendship and how long before engagement?

I apologize for making a new thread for this…
(Someone probably already asked this question)

Any comments or questions would be appreciated.
Please feel free to direct me to a previous one that answers this if you know of one.
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I think not. Why should you say? And why are you choosing to say the bad things that happened to you? Keep them to you! You know what happened, how it happened, the way you dealt with it, the reponsability you had on it. Your wife has not got the hability to understand all the details of all the facts. So, she will never get a clear vision of thepast.
You do not tell her how did you go to the toilet, no? So, keep the dirty laundry and wash it your self. If you need help, to to the psychiatrist or deal with your best man friend over a beer. If you say it will hurt your marriage.

Moreover, you should focus on the future. Your wife cannot do anything about the past and you are not going to live with her in the past. Keep her in the future where she belongs.

As for finances I should you both should be as clear as possible.

Marriage is not sex, passion, feeling, sweet love, romance.
Marriage is will. Marriage is you willing each other. You do not marry because she is beautiful, pretty, charming and intelligent ad attractive or rich. You marry because you WANT that person, no matter what happens. When you do will her, you are ready.
 
“Do unto others as ye would have them do unto you”. Tell her everything that you would want to know, and be honest about it (unlike, “well, I don’t want to know if she cheated, or was a heroin addict, or had debt collectors after her” - you would), both with yourself - what you will tell - and to her - in the telling.

In my estimation, that means you tell her everything before you get engaged unless you want the ring back, or manage to hide it long enough for her to seek a divorce, or, if you follow the Lord’s commandment, to hate the marriage or make it miserable.
 
AnotherSonofGod said:
Hello …I was wondering if it is necessary to tell my wife or soon to be wife everything.

Would it be in her best interest if I do not tell her some things about my past?

…like for example all the bad things!
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Those bad things are best shared with your priest during confession. As for sharing them with your wife, you only need to do so on a need-to-know basis.

And the things you feel you’d need to know about her she too needs to know, as well as the things in the past that might have an impact in the future, especially past addictions or some things that might emerge in the future and that she could take issue with once you’re married.

Get those out of the way, and as some others have said, decide on the things that are difficult to negotiate once married before you marry, including forming a compatible vision for the future of raising kids, family life, social life etc.
 
I think your future wife has the right to know the essentials that make you you. If something was truly a formative part of your life, even if it were bad, I think your future wife has a right to know. Also, if it could in any way affect your lives together, she has a right to know.

For example, I think intended spouses have the right to know whether or not their fiance is a virgin, or roughly how many sexual partners they’ve had if they aren’t a virgin. I think fiances should know how much debt the other has accumulated and what kind of debt it is (college loans, consumer debt, etc). I think fiances should be willing to share if they were ever sexually or physically abused, as this could affect marital intimacy.

In addition to the hard stuff, fiances should definitely discuss children, child-rearing, family traditions, finances, chores, jobs, etc.

God bless.
 
Thank you all - I will try to talk and tell about all the necessities, and at the right times:)
 
Aah, bad/embarassing things she SHOULD be told

-your criminal record (if any)
-you financial situation. (not necessarily hard numbers, but if you have a lot of debt, etc)
-any past marriages/children
-any psychological issues
-any physical issues
 
My husband chose to keep some of those “bad things” from me before we married. It did cause problems and I’ve gone through a lot of hurt because of that. Personally, I see very few situations that would be inappropriate to share with our spouse. I just see that as part of intimacy. You need to be with someone who loves you “warts and all.” If you tell her about bad stuff you did and she leaves you, she didn’t love you as much at you thought she did anyway.
 
mandajane said:
Aah, bad/embarassing things she SHOULD be told

-your criminal record (if any)
-you financial situation. (not necessarily hard numbers, but if you have a lot of debt, etc)
-any past marriages/children
-any psychological issues
-any physical issues
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And any CHANCE of an STD you might be carrying. Any crazy people who might randomly knock on your door one day (ex-girlfriend, step-father, friend who’s a junkie, etc.). Any addictions you’re recovering from.
 
From my own point of view, I would feel kind of betrayed if I got married to someone who hid things about his past from me. Someone suggested telling her the things you would like to know about her past. To be honest, I think it’s important to go one step further and make sure to tell her all the things that she would like to know about your past. I am rather of the opinion that one always ought to share more rather than less, marriage is meant to involve a total gift of self, I don’t see how that’s possible if one spouse hides things from another. 🙂
 
thewanderer said:
From my own point of view, I would feel kind of betrayed if I got married to someone who hid things about his past from me. Someone suggested telling her the things you would like to know about her past. To be honest, I think it’s important to go one step further and make sure to tell her all the things that she would like to know about your past. I am rather of the opinion that one always ought to share more rather than less, marriage is meant to involve a total gift of self, I don’t see how that’s possible if one spouse hides things from another. 🙂
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Exactly. To add another layer to the conversation, I’d be curious to know if she could seek an anullment, should you conceal something from her that she would have considered a deal breaker. (Any canon law experts out there?)

Before getting married, I think each person needs to communicate with the other about the following, if they are present:

Addictions–even if you are in recovery
Known mental illlness or severe emotional baggage
Debts
Past sexual partners (and any related medical issues or children)
Known fertility issues.
Criminal record

People need to go into marriage with their eyes open, giving fully of themselves and accepting that which their future spouse gives to them.

Have the difficult conversations now, so that they aren’t even more difficult in five or ten years.
 
Yes. Canon 1095, and a few others. There is a concept analogous to material misrepresentation when it comes to virginity as well, which, if virginity was part of the implied contract (to phrase it in such a way) nullifies the marriage because one or the other parties did not give consent to what they were actually doing, but instead to what they thought they were doing based on lies.
 
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