Should I tell Wife of Affair

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Corhaesito

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I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.

Our very rocky marriage includes her bouts with depression, very little/infrequent sexual intimacy; and a recent violent episode on her part directed at me and on another occasion, at our teen daughter. Per our pastor/counsellor’s advice, she is getting a week of intensive therapy out of state soon.

I have much blame to bear, including, beginning in the last several years, a few affairs. The last of these is very emotionally intense also, and my affair partner and I have discussed divorce and being together, since we both abhor the lying and deceit. We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup. I’ve confessed sacramentally but obviously struggle with the “amend my life” part.

I am meeting with my pastor/counsellor tonight, to tell him about my affairs. I think he should know since he is counselling us as a couple. A question I will ask him, and probably be guided by his advice since he knows us both well:

do I tell my wife?

She is quite fragile, and if I had to guess, I think she would kick me out.

Others have argued that if I don’t tell her, how can she truly know who she’s married to, that it would be deceptive and mean to let her think I’m faithful when I haven’t been, and that any wife would want to know this information, painful and hurtful as it would be.

Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done and what kind of man I really am, so she can decide if she wants to be with me? I feel like now she has a very incomplete picture of the “real me.” I’m very afraid to tell her and honestly would rather not, but I have trouble answering friends who say she has a right to know the “real” me so she can decide what to do.
 
Go to **confession **to confess your sins, and make a firm amendment of purpose to stop having affairs.

No, do not do something you know would destroy your wife to assuage your own guilt under the guise of her “deserving” to know. *Confession *is where you receive absolution for your sins.

Stop cheating and be her husband, 100% committed to the marriage and her health. That is how you make up for your sins.
 
Corhaesito said:
I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.

Our very rocky marriage includes her bouts with depression, very little/infrequent sexual intimacy; and a recent violent episode on her part directed at me and on another occasion, at our teen daughter. Per our pastor/counsellor’s advice, she is getting a week of intensive therapy out of state soon.

I have much blame to bear, including, beginning in the last several years, a few affairs. The last of these is very emotionally intense also, and my affair partner and I have discussed divorce and being together, since we both abhor the lying and deceit. We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup. I’ve confessed sacramentally but obviously struggle with the “amend my life” part.

I am meeting with my pastor/counsellor tonight, to tell him about my affairs. I think he should know since he is counselling us as a couple. A question I will ask him, and probably be guided by his advice since he knows us both well:

do I tell my wife?

She is quite fragile, and if I had to guess, I think she would kick me out.

Others have argued that if I don’t tell her, how can she truly know who she’s married to, that it would be deceptive and mean to let her think I’m faithful when I haven’t been, and that any wife would want to know this information, painful and hurtful as it would be.

Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done and what kind of man I really am, so she can decide if she wants to be with me? I feel like now she has a very incomplete picture of the “real me.”
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If you wife had had several affairs in the past several years would you feel you had the right to know?
 
Why have the affairs? If you’re that unhappy with her, you should’ve left a while ago.

Having an affair doesn’t solve your problem, especially since you’re having full blown relationships and not just getting extra sex. All you got is two problems.

With that out of the way, I must ask why would you tell her? What possible gain do you have?
 
There’s no gain to me at all. In fact, it would probably result in me being kicked out, “exposed” to my extended family, friends and church acquaintances, pain to our children, and lots of shame.

The suggestion is that she has a right to know; like Phillylawyer implied, I would want to know if the shoe were on the other foot.
 
Corhaesito said:
There’s no gain to me at all. In fact, it would probably result in me being kicked out, “exposed” to my extended family, friends and church acquaintances, pain to our children, and lots of shame.

The suggestion is that she has a right to know; like Phillylawyer implied, I would want to know if the shoe were on the other foot.
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But considering that you say… “We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup.”, it sounds like having your wife ‘kick you out’ would make the transition to this new relationship easier than having to do the hard work yourself.

It doesn’t sound like telling your wife would be motivated by genuine remorse since you anticipate another round with the affair partner. It is completely unfair to your wife to continue subjecting her to this kind of a violation. It must be a source of confusion and pain for her, even not knowing outright.

Yes, start by telling your Priest and then make things right somehow and quickly. Stop having affairs and work on your marriage or end your marriage for the sake of your wifes spiritual and mental health.
 
Corhaesito said:
I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.

Our very rocky marriage includes her bouts with depression, very little/infrequent sexual intimacy; and a recent violent episode on her part directed at me and on another occasion, at our teen daughter. Per our pastor/counsellor’s advice, she is getting a week of intensive therapy out of state soon.

I have much blame to bear, including, beginning in the last several years, a few affairs. The last of these is very emotionally intense also, and my affair partner and I have discussed divorce and being together, since we both abhor the lying and deceit. We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup. I’ve confessed sacramentally but obviously struggle with the “amend my life” part.

I am meeting with my pastor/counsellor tonight, to tell him about my affairs. I think he should know since he is counselling us as a couple. A question I will ask him, and probably be guided by his advice since he knows us both well:

do I tell my wife?

She is quite fragile, and if I had to guess, I think she would kick me out.

Others have argued that if I don’t tell her, how can she truly know who she’s married to, that it would be deceptive and mean to let her think I’m faithful when I haven’t been, and that any wife would want to know this information, painful and hurtful as it would be.

Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done and what kind of man I really am, so she can decide if she wants to be with me? I feel like now she has a very incomplete picture of the “real me.” I’m very afraid to tell her and honestly would rather not, but I have trouble answering friends who say she has a right to know the “real” me so she can decide what to do.
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I know you already know what the right thing is for you to do with respect to your behaviour, do whatever it takes to permanently end this (or any) future affairs before they start and do everything it takes to work on your marriage.

As for whether or not to tell your wife, what I have discovered from some in-depth threads here on CAF is that it depends. There are some people who honestly would prefer not to know whether or not their spouse cheated on them so long as their spouse was repentant and amended his/her ways. Then, there are people like me who would absolutely want to know and for whom it would be an added betrayal to hide such an affair. So, the right thing to do depends on which kind of person your wife is. Is she the kind of person who would truly rather not know? Or is she the kind of person for whom keeping it a secret would simply be yet another betrayal? That is the question you need to answer in order to figure out whether or not to tell her.
 
LongingSoul said:
But considering that you say… “We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup.”, it sounds like having your wife ‘kick you out’ would make the transition to this new relationship easier than having to do the hard work yourself.

It doesn’t sound like telling your wife would be motivated by genuine remorse since you anticipate another round with the affair partner. It is completely unfair to your wife to continue subjecting her to this kind of a violation. It must be a source of confusion and pain for her, even not knowing outright.

Yes, start by telling your Priest and then make things right somehow and quickly. Stop having affairs and work on your marriage or end your marriage for the sake of your wifes spiritual and mental health.
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This advice is right on. Before asking whether to tell your wife or not, the first question is whether you are willing to commit to your marriage.

If the answer is YES, that you are willing to commit to your marriage, that means you are genuinely remorseful of your actions and are willing to take whatever actions necessary to make the marriage work. This means obviously not continuing the affairs and not putting yourself into temptation and CUTTING OFF ALL CONTACT with the women who you have had affairs with in the past. If that is the case, then it is a reasonable question about what role telling your wife about the past affairs has in rebuilding your marriage, and one consideration as I alluded to earlier is whether you would want to know if the shoe were on the other foot.

On the other hand, if the answer is NO, you are not committed to continuing this marriage (for whatever reason, whether they are justified or not is a totally different question), then as longingsoul points out, telling your wife would just be a way to get kicked out so that you have justification in your mind for leaving a marriage you have a decided in your to leave anyway. If that is honestly the situation, then it is not helpful to tell her just to assuage your guilt and make you feel justified in leaving.

You need to do some honest soul searching and decide if you are really willing to commit the marriage and make whatever sacrifices necessary to do so. If the answer is no, then don’t tell her about the affairs as an excuse out. Just be honest with yourself and her about where things stand.
 
Get tested for STDs. The results may give you no choice but to tell your wife something she must know, the risk you have exposed her to if you have had relations with her during the same time as having sex others.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Get tested for STDs. The results may give you no choice but to tell your wife something she must know, the risk you have exposed her to if you have had relations with her during the same time as having sex others.
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Yes. This too.
 
Corhaesito said:
I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.

Our very rocky marriage includes her bouts with depression, very little/infrequent sexual intimacy; and a recent violent episode on her part directed at me and on another occasion, at our teen daughter. Per our pastor/counsellor’s advice, she is getting a week of intensive therapy out of state soon.

I have much blame to bear, including, beginning in the last several years, a few affairs. The last of these is very emotionally intense also, and my affair partner and I have discussed divorce and being together, since we both abhor the lying and deceit. We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup. I’ve confessed sacramentally but obviously struggle with the “amend my life” part.

I am meeting with my pastor/counsellor tonight, to tell him about my affairs. I think he should know since he is counselling us as a couple. A question I will ask him, and probably be guided by his advice since he knows us both well:

do I tell my wife?

. I
She is quite fragile, and if I had to guess, I think she would kick me out.

Others have argued that if I don’t tell her, how can she truly know who she’s married to, that it would be deceptive and mean to let her think I’m faithful when I haven’t been, and that any wife would want to know this information, painful and hurtful as it would be.

Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done and what kind of man I really am, so she can decide if she wants to be with me? I feel like now she has a very incomplete picture of the “real me.” I’m very afraid to tell her and honestly would rather not, but I have trouble answering friends who say she has a right to know the “real” me so she can decide what to do.
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I would do more than kick you out the door so be thankful you were never married to me. I kind of view this as the first time you started a relationship with another woman you left her emotionally so why are you afraid of being kicked out physically. If you were really sorry why do admit you don’t think it’s over with the other woman. This I can’t help myself stuff is bogus. We all have control over how we act. We make a choice in the actions we take and how we treat others. If you continue to treat your wife like an after thought it will come back to you eventually. Prayers for your family.
 
Just when the other thread was dying down… :o

You’re going to get a lot of people here passionately giving you opposite advice on whether or not you should tell her. The best advice I can give is to (1) stop cheating on your wife FOR GOOD; (2) go to Confession (which it seems you have already done); and (3) get help from priests and counselors. They are going to give you much better guidance than any of us anonymous internet posters.

I will say a prayer for you and your marriage.
 
Joe_5859 said:
They are going to give you much better guidance than any of us anonymous internet posters.
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This!

I don’t think I’ve ever had a major moral question that I could seriously address after reading a thread about it, and I probably ended up being even more confused after reading multiple, contradictory opinions or tangental debates.

It’s far better, in my book, to go to a trusted priest who has the background and the authority to answer such questions.
 
Joe_5859 said:
Just when the [

You’re going to get a lot of people here passionately giving you opposite advice on whether or not you should tell her. The best advice I can give is to (1) stop cheating on your wife FOR GOOD](http://forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=907767); (2) go to Confession (which it seems you have already done); and (3) get help from priests and counselors. They are going to give you much better guidance than any of us anonymous internet posters.

You’re saying that a trained, priest can give better advice than we anonymous persons? Shocking…:)😛

In all seriousness though, OP, the question of whether to tell your wife (assuming that there aren’t STD’s involved, in which she absolutely has a right to know) is secondary to the question of whether you are serious about sticking with your marriage and quitting the affairs for good. If the answer to that is no and you aren’t ready (whether justified or not) to commit to your marriage and swear off the affairs or contact with the women for good, then the other questions are not really the heart of the matter and are mere distractions.
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Joe_5859 said:
Just when the other thread was dying down… :o

You’re going to get a lot of people here passionately giving you opposite advice on whether or not you should tell her. The best advice I can give is to (1) stop cheating on your wife FOR GOOD; (2) go to Confession (which it seems you have already done); and (3) get help from priests and counselors. They are going to give you much better guidance than any of us anonymous internet posters.

I will say a prayer for you and your marriage.
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Yes, because the short answer is not “yes” or “no,” but “it depends.” You should not rely solely on your own judgment to decide that, OP, because your judgment with regards to doing what is best for your wife doesn’t have a great track record. Tell those professionals everything you know about what your wife has said to you about what she’d want and anything else you can think of that might be relevant. Then put aside what is easiest for you and be receptive to the guidance of priests and counsellors whom your wife trusts to look out for her best interests.

To amend from cheating, it is not enough to decide to not cheat. You need to stay from the near occasion of cheating. Look up the 12 Steps of AA; those are a pretty good guideline for how Catholics renounce and find freedom from an enslaving habit of sin.
 
InNomineDomini said:
This!

I don’t think I’ve ever had a major moral question that I could seriously address after reading a thread about it, and I probably ended up being even more confused after reading multiple, contradictory opinions or tangental debates.

It’s far better, in my book, to go to a trusted priest who has the background and the authority to answer such questions.
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…and tell the priest the truth…it’s not an ‘affair’ [everybody has ‘affairs’, don’t they?]…it’s adultery!
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, because the short answer is not “yes” or “no,” but “it depends.” You should not rely solely on your own judgment to decide that, OP, because your judgment with regards to doing what is best for your wife doesn’t have a great track record. Tell those professionals everything you know about what your wife has said to you about what she’d want and anything else you can think of that might be relevant. Then put aside what is easiest for you and be receptive to the guidance of priests and counsellors whom your wife trusts to look out for her best interests.

To amend from cheating, it is not enough to decide to not cheat. You need to stay from the near occasion of cheating. Look up the 12 Steps of AA; those are a pretty good guideline for how Catholics renounce and find freedom from an enslaving habit of sin.
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Good point.
 
boldlygo said:
…and tell the priest the truth…it’s not an ‘affair’ [everybody has ‘affairs’, don’t they?]…it’s adultery!
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Agreed, the language used makes light of the dire nature of this situation.

It sounds to me like your wife has mental health issues. Many members of my family have suffered from bouts of what you’ve described, and they’ve all been fortunate to be members of a caring, forgiving, and loving family who was there for them on an unconditional basis. Throw things at us, say mean things, disown us; we don’t care. Sometimes that’s what people absolutely need.

You made vows to this woman to be a support system and insurance for her in her times of need. Whether or not your personal needs are fulfilled is not related to the concept of “duty.” Think about why you made vows of loyalty and integrity and support to your wife-- try to get back into that mindset you were once in. See her in that light, as a person who needs you now in her time of weakness and failings.

She obviously isn’t fulfilled by her life, either. She has pain and is suffering. Family is there to help in times like that, when others can’t be bothered with the degree of selflessness required to hold each other up and let a person know that they’re loved. It sounds like she needs that right now.

Just my opinion!
 
Do not tell, it would cause her more pain. Keep that to yourself and take it as a cross you have to bear. Talk to your priest and a counselor.
 
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