D
DL82
Guest
Before I became a Catholic I was involved in the Anglican church, though it was completely outside my experience of Christianity, which had been on the Evangelical side of Anglicanism, I felt a call to religious life. I guess I felt this first when I was around 18-19, but suppressed it for about 4 years. When I graduated, and had already been disappointed by 2 jobs and countless first dates that never got as far as a second, I decided maybe I ought to explore this.
I spent about 18 months discerning with the Anglican Franciscans. I felt resentful, as if I’d been imprisoned by this calling. I kept having a dream where I saw myself, a broken man, in a habit, aged about 45, and I finally smiled my first true smile, having finally become comfortable in my vocation. As soon as I went to spend any serious time with the Novice Guardian, I realised I had been using this ‘calling’ as an excuse not to pursue my sexual identity for fear of failure.
Anyway, only a few weeks after I left that behind, I met the most amazing woman. We got on so well, and there was an instant connection. Within 6 months we were engaged, and she became Catholic, and as a result I began RCIA and became Catholic too. I’d always had a strong pull in that direction and should really have crossed the Tiber long before.
As I began to really read the Catechism seriously, I started to get more into it. I wanted to be completely obedient to all of it, but my fiancee was more liberal in her faith. We began to argue. My fiancee began to question whether I’d be happy as a lay person with my new found ‘fanaticism’, and whether I wouldn’t be better as a priest, or the husband of a more devout woman.
Around that time, I started to have a recurring dream where I was walking down the aisle of a church. I met my fiancee and we looked at eachother and smiled at eachother, then I realised we weren’t at the altar, but half way up the aisle, and this wasn’t my wedding, I was being professed, and I left her and carried on to the altar alone.
My fiancee and I enjoyed an amazing summer together, then we had to be apart again. I started to get these thoughts about being a monk or a priest. I remember seeing a post on this site about someone who was preparing for the Carmelites, and how it was a 14 year process to become a priest. I started thinking that if I followed that kind of path I could be a priest by age 40, and what an amazing witness it would be to have sacrificed such an amazing love as I had with my fiancee, what a great priest I could be after 14 years of intensive formation. Every time I had these thoughts, I would fall from grace completely and begin to commit mortal sins. Only when I remembered and held to the love I had for my fiancee was I able to keep pure.
I began to feel really guilty, and our arguments got worse. At the same time, I think I was having a breakdown. About a month later, my fiancee left me, breaking off all contact. I still want her back more than anything else in life, but am beginning to accept that it probably won’t happen. I still feel really down, and am still preparing for my confirmation. I feel weighed down by my sins, and have already written 4 pages of preparation for my first confession. I’m determined never to fall into mortal sin after my confession, but I’m still wrestling with it.
I can’t imagine ever being happy with anybody else. The kind of woman who it ‘makes sense’ for someone with my personality to be with, someone quiet and devout who wants a peaceful predictable life together, isn’t someone I’d want to be with. I want the love I had back, but I would never do the things that made her want me again. The more I’ve returned to my relationship with Christ, the more it’s become a solitary and exclusive kind of relationship. I’ve become quiet and withdrawn, with a sense of joyful penance, I have given up meat and alcohol, and taken up daily mass when i can. Again, there might be a woman out there who has a similar penitential call, but I don’t think I’d be attracted to somebody like that.
Anyway, putting all the pieces together, now that I’m home, maybe I should consider religious life again, maybe I really will pass through this stage with my ex, maybe I really will smile that real smile some day in the distant future. I still don’t want to be under vows. I still want married life, but I want a particular marriage to a particular person who no longer wants to marry me.
Anyway, simple question, do I start dating again? Do I start looking into orders? Can I start dating but also tell women that I’m looking into religious life? Should I do neither and just hope for my ex to come back some day?
I spent about 18 months discerning with the Anglican Franciscans. I felt resentful, as if I’d been imprisoned by this calling. I kept having a dream where I saw myself, a broken man, in a habit, aged about 45, and I finally smiled my first true smile, having finally become comfortable in my vocation. As soon as I went to spend any serious time with the Novice Guardian, I realised I had been using this ‘calling’ as an excuse not to pursue my sexual identity for fear of failure.
Anyway, only a few weeks after I left that behind, I met the most amazing woman. We got on so well, and there was an instant connection. Within 6 months we were engaged, and she became Catholic, and as a result I began RCIA and became Catholic too. I’d always had a strong pull in that direction and should really have crossed the Tiber long before.
As I began to really read the Catechism seriously, I started to get more into it. I wanted to be completely obedient to all of it, but my fiancee was more liberal in her faith. We began to argue. My fiancee began to question whether I’d be happy as a lay person with my new found ‘fanaticism’, and whether I wouldn’t be better as a priest, or the husband of a more devout woman.
Around that time, I started to have a recurring dream where I was walking down the aisle of a church. I met my fiancee and we looked at eachother and smiled at eachother, then I realised we weren’t at the altar, but half way up the aisle, and this wasn’t my wedding, I was being professed, and I left her and carried on to the altar alone.
My fiancee and I enjoyed an amazing summer together, then we had to be apart again. I started to get these thoughts about being a monk or a priest. I remember seeing a post on this site about someone who was preparing for the Carmelites, and how it was a 14 year process to become a priest. I started thinking that if I followed that kind of path I could be a priest by age 40, and what an amazing witness it would be to have sacrificed such an amazing love as I had with my fiancee, what a great priest I could be after 14 years of intensive formation. Every time I had these thoughts, I would fall from grace completely and begin to commit mortal sins. Only when I remembered and held to the love I had for my fiancee was I able to keep pure.
I began to feel really guilty, and our arguments got worse. At the same time, I think I was having a breakdown. About a month later, my fiancee left me, breaking off all contact. I still want her back more than anything else in life, but am beginning to accept that it probably won’t happen. I still feel really down, and am still preparing for my confirmation. I feel weighed down by my sins, and have already written 4 pages of preparation for my first confession. I’m determined never to fall into mortal sin after my confession, but I’m still wrestling with it.
I can’t imagine ever being happy with anybody else. The kind of woman who it ‘makes sense’ for someone with my personality to be with, someone quiet and devout who wants a peaceful predictable life together, isn’t someone I’d want to be with. I want the love I had back, but I would never do the things that made her want me again. The more I’ve returned to my relationship with Christ, the more it’s become a solitary and exclusive kind of relationship. I’ve become quiet and withdrawn, with a sense of joyful penance, I have given up meat and alcohol, and taken up daily mass when i can. Again, there might be a woman out there who has a similar penitential call, but I don’t think I’d be attracted to somebody like that.
Anyway, putting all the pieces together, now that I’m home, maybe I should consider religious life again, maybe I really will pass through this stage with my ex, maybe I really will smile that real smile some day in the distant future. I still don’t want to be under vows. I still want married life, but I want a particular marriage to a particular person who no longer wants to marry me.
Anyway, simple question, do I start dating again? Do I start looking into orders? Can I start dating but also tell women that I’m looking into religious life? Should I do neither and just hope for my ex to come back some day?
