Should I think about discerning religious life?

[DL82]

Before I became a Catholic I was involved in the Anglican church, though it was completely outside my experience of Christianity, which had been on the Evangelical side of Anglicanism, I felt a call to religious life. I guess I felt this first when I was around 18-19, but suppressed it for about 4 years. When I graduated, and had already been disappointed by 2 jobs and countless first dates that never got as far as a second, I decided maybe I ought to explore this.

I spent about 18 months discerning with the Anglican Franciscans. I felt resentful, as if I’d been imprisoned by this calling. I kept having a dream where I saw myself, a broken man, in a habit, aged about 45, and I finally smiled my first true smile, having finally become comfortable in my vocation. As soon as I went to spend any serious time with the Novice Guardian, I realised I had been using this ‘calling’ as an excuse not to pursue my sexual identity for fear of failure.

Anyway, only a few weeks after I left that behind, I met the most amazing woman. We got on so well, and there was an instant connection. Within 6 months we were engaged, and she became Catholic, and as a result I began RCIA and became Catholic too. I’d always had a strong pull in that direction and should really have crossed the Tiber long before.

As I began to really read the Catechism seriously, I started to get more into it. I wanted to be completely obedient to all of it, but my fiancee was more liberal in her faith. We began to argue. My fiancee began to question whether I’d be happy as a lay person with my new found ‘fanaticism’, and whether I wouldn’t be better as a priest, or the husband of a more devout woman.

Around that time, I started to have a recurring dream where I was walking down the aisle of a church. I met my fiancee and we looked at eachother and smiled at eachother, then I realised we weren’t at the altar, but half way up the aisle, and this wasn’t my wedding, I was being professed, and I left her and carried on to the altar alone.

My fiancee and I enjoyed an amazing summer together, then we had to be apart again. I started to get these thoughts about being a monk or a priest. I remember seeing a post on this site about someone who was preparing for the Carmelites, and how it was a 14 year process to become a priest. I started thinking that if I followed that kind of path I could be a priest by age 40, and what an amazing witness it would be to have sacrificed such an amazing love as I had with my fiancee, what a great priest I could be after 14 years of intensive formation. Every time I had these thoughts, I would fall from grace completely and begin to commit mortal sins. Only when I remembered and held to the love I had for my fiancee was I able to keep pure.

I began to feel really guilty, and our arguments got worse. At the same time, I think I was having a breakdown. About a month later, my fiancee left me, breaking off all contact. I still want her back more than anything else in life, but am beginning to accept that it probably won’t happen. I still feel really down, and am still preparing for my confirmation. I feel weighed down by my sins, and have already written 4 pages of preparation for my first confession. I’m determined never to fall into mortal sin after my confession, but I’m still wrestling with it.

I can’t imagine ever being happy with anybody else. The kind of woman who it ‘makes sense’ for someone with my personality to be with, someone quiet and devout who wants a peaceful predictable life together, isn’t someone I’d want to be with. I want the love I had back, but I would never do the things that made her want me again. The more I’ve returned to my relationship with Christ, the more it’s become a solitary and exclusive kind of relationship. I’ve become quiet and withdrawn, with a sense of joyful penance, I have given up meat and alcohol, and taken up daily mass when i can. Again, there might be a woman out there who has a similar penitential call, but I don’t think I’d be attracted to somebody like that.

Anyway, putting all the pieces together, now that I’m home, maybe I should consider religious life again, maybe I really will pass through this stage with my ex, maybe I really will smile that real smile some day in the distant future. I still don’t want to be under vows. I still want married life, but I want a particular marriage to a particular person who no longer wants to marry me.

Anyway, simple question, do I start dating again? Do I start looking into orders? Can I start dating but also tell women that I’m looking into religious life? Should I do neither and just hope for my ex to come back some day?

 

[DL82]

Sorry to reply to my own post, but I am really looking for some guidance here. If you look at the lives of many of the Saints, a number entered religious life after being left or disappointed by a potential spouse. Heartbreak drove many a woman to the convents in the middle ages. Is the Church today being unrealistic in expecting postulants to have higher reasons than this for discerning vocations to religious life? Can’t some of us have a vocation both to marriage and religious life, and have to choose between them, or have that choice made for us by another? Should I make the decision to say ‘I am discerning religious life’ and not engage in dating, or should I not say anything at all and just wait and see?

 

[Alycin]

Hello…

I am definitely not the expert on relationship advice, but I will offer comfort in saying that it is not at ALL uncommon to feel a pull towards marriage AND religious life, and I think I watched a video online about a woman who dates guys and would tell them that she was discerning religious life… so it’s possible. HOWEVER, if you struggle to remain pure when you are with the particular woman you have mentioned, then perhaps it is best that the two of you not get back together.

Eventually, in God’s perfect timing, the pull towards either marriage, religious life, or heck, even single life… will be stronger than the others…

God bless you and Mary protect you!

Alycin

 

[bilop]

I think you should get a solid Priest to be your spiritual director and work with him to discern your vocation.

Also, many diocese and orders take much fewer years to be ordained (if the 14 years is a concern of yours).

Good luck and God Bless

 

[mercygate]

I think you should get a solid Priest to be your spiritual director and work with him to discern your vocation.

Also, many diocese and orders take much fewer years to be ordained (if the 14 years is a concern of yours).

Good luck and God Bless

End of thread. And God bless you, DL82!

 

[DL82]

Thank you for your kind answers. Does that mean I should avoid occasions to meet other women as potential partners or to be reconciled to my ex while I discern with this priest?

Far from being a discouragement, the 14 years’ formation was what appealed to me. Again it comes back to the dream where it takes me 15-20 years of being broken down by religious life before I’m ready to really be myself. I can’t believe I’ve really let my life become such a mess that it will take so long and so much hard work just to put myself in a place where God can begin to work in me, but there it is, that’s what I’ve done. I’ve messed up.

 

[DL82]

See. here’s the thing I’ve been trying to find the words to explain, but can never quite get.

1. I feel resentful every time I think about religious life. It’s like a kind of masochism where I think what a wonderful thing it would be to give all that misery to God as a sacrifice. There’s a kind of stoic peace about it, like if I can be content doing the thing that appeals to me least, I’ll know I can be content in all situations.
2. When I am open and honest with myself and with God, when I let myself be free from any pretence, I just want to run a million miles from the thought of ever being a monk or a priest.
3. I needed my ex to keep me pure and give me purpose in life (is that a calling, or just co-dependency?), yet I treated her really badly. Deep down I have some serious issues about not being comfortable with being happy, which means when my ex was making me happy I ended up hurting her so that she’d stop.

Masochism. Is it a sin or a calling? Deep down I really could be content making myself miserable for the rest of my life, and that’s the only appeal of religious life to me. At the same time, the cross is the only thing that commends Christianity to me, not even the resurrection, just the suffering of our God upon the cross. I don’t think it would be fair to the other brothers in an order for me to be moping around them for all those years though. If God asked me to do it, I would. I still think that God gives people joy in what He asks them to do though, which is what convinces me I need to wait, improve, work out my issues, and hope for some way to convince my ex to come back to me. It’s as though I want to go ahead with something without that joy so that I can prove to God that I can give Him even more than He demands. Though clearly God has proved to me, by dropping me like a hot rock every time I get ideas about priesthood or religious life, that I can’t. I guess it’s like Abraham going ahead and sacrificing Isaac even though God tells him he doesn’t need to.

OK, rant over. I think you get the idea. There’s more at work here than just a niggling doubt. This is a dark dark doubt indeed.

 

[grandfather]

See. here’s the thing I’ve been trying to find the words to explain, but can never quite get.

1. I feel resentful every time I think about religious life. It’s like a kind of masochism where I think what a wonderful thing it would be to give all that misery to God as a sacrifice. There’s a kind of stoic peace about it, like if I can be content doing the thing that appeals to me least, I’ll know I can be content in all situations.
2. When I am open and honest with myself and with God, when I let myself be free from any pretence, I just want to run a million miles from the thought of ever being a monk or a priest.
3. I needed my ex to keep me pure and give me purpose in life (is that a calling, or just co-dependency?), yet I treated her really badly. Deep down I have some serious issues about not being comfortable with being happy, which means when my ex was making me happy I ended up hurting her so that she’d stop.

Masochism. Is it a sin or a calling? Deep down I really could be content making myself miserable for the rest of my life, and that’s the only appeal of religious life to me. At the same time, the cross is the only thing that commends Christianity to me, not even the resurrection, just the suffering of our God upon the cross. I don’t think it would be fair to the other brothers in an order for me to be moping around them for all those years though. If God asked me to do it, I would. I still think that God gives people joy in what He asks them to do though, which is what convinces me I need to wait, improve, work out my issues, and hope for some way to convince my ex to come back to me. It’s as though I want to go ahead with something without that joy so that I can prove to God that I can give Him even more than He demands. Though clearly God has proved to me, by dropping me like a hot rock every time I get ideas about priesthood or religious life, that I can’t. I guess it’s like Abraham going ahead and sacrificing Isaac even though God tells him he doesn’t need to.

OK, rant over. I think you get the idea. There’s more at work here than just a niggling doubt. This is a dark dark doubt indeed.

There is one thing in all this uncertainty that is certain. You are very confused. There is one thing we should not do if possible when we are confused. Make decisions, especially big ones. It is very doubtful that any of the motives you discussed are good reasons for embracing a religious vocation. Frankly, they are rather bizarre. In all of your thinking you are the focus of everything. There is no mention of serving God, loving God, a calling to help people. It is all about you. Maybe if you put aside all these thoughts about vocation for a time, and also did not date women, and just took a break from it all, you might find your direction. Best wishes. I hope you find grace and clarity.

 

[ancilla_Domini]

Ah, my friend, you remind me of my former boyfriend. He and I had a very good and very Catholic relationship. We prayed together constantly, went on pilgrimages… We thought we were headed toward marriage. He and I both knew that we loved each other more than we had ever loved anyone prior to that relationship, but we were still unhappy. He was unhappy because he couldn’t find God’s will in his life; I was unhappy because I awakened every morning wondering if it would be the day when he would break up with me to enter the seminary.

He and I accepted that unhappiness as a cross to offer to God. But… we were told that God wants us to be happy. He loves a cheerful giver, after all. But I know the confusion you must feel: I was content to suffer knowing that all of that hurt and pain would glorify God.

He and I ended that relationship with him pursuing the priesthood; I’m simply trying to serve God in my ministries as a lay person, hoping that God will guide me to whatever he;s calling me to do.

So, first, I suggest that you always pray for God’s will. One of the prayers that my spiritual director taught me was “Lord, if it is Your will, lead him back to me. Still, not my will, but Thine be done.” Pray it several times a day whenever you remember to.

Second, get a spiritual director if you don’t already have one.

Perhaps our fondness of what you call “sadomasochism” (I definitely see why you call it that, although I’ve been taught to call it “victimhood”) is our calling. But perhaps it is not. (I’d share more with you, but I’d probably have to do that over a private message since it’s still a sensitive issue for me.) Our true calling is what will make us TRULY happy, and only God Himself knows that. So pray that He will show you; a spiritual director should help with that.

I’ll be praying for you!

 

[grandfather]

ancilla_Domini:
God may lead him back to you, or he was not the one God had for you, or God may want you for Himself.

You are young. Be patient. God indeed does want our happiness, but He also gives us crosses.

Do you bilocate to other places or only to Chicago and San Diego?

 

[ancilla_Domini]

God may lead him back to you, or he was not the one God had for you, or God may want you for Himself.

You are young. Be patient. God indeed does want our happiness, but He also gives us crosses.

Do you bilocate to other places or only to Chicago and San Diego?

Yes, I’m confident that God will show me His plan with time. I just have to be faithful to Him, which is hard because every now and then I do feel a little hopeless.

LOL! Nah, can’t bilocate (…yet!). I’m from San Diego, but I’m working in Chicago for a year, which will end on 23 July.

 

[grandfather]

Yes, I’m confident that God will show me His plan with time. I just have to be faithful to Him, which is hard because every now and then I do feel a little hopeless.

LOL! Nah, can’t bilocate (…yet!). I’m from San Diego, but I’m working in Chicago for a year, which will end on 23 July.

I was once faced with a severe challenge to the theological virtue of hope. I knew we are commanded to hope in God. I asked Saint Maximillian the apostle of hope for help and willed myself to hope. Supernatural hope was infused in my soul and resolved the crisis.

Once you get the bilocation going stop by and say hello.

I met my wife after we both came to the conclusion we were destined to be single. That was may years ago, all of them blessed.

 

[vocatio]

Welcome brother. Welcome Home.
You should look up my posts over the past year. You describe me it seems… I had to pinch myself to make sure it was me.

Bad news. You should rectify the reality that your relationship is over and frankly should be over for your own sake. Lame faith crawls under my skin when I see it and it will you too I see. However, we must show compassion to those that just don’t get it.

Good news. You’re alive and well. This is normal discerning the priesthood, never mind the religous life. I struggled for many years and on my reversion this past year from a Fundamental Eveangelical church my wife followed. 17 years and proud of it…however, there was a lot of loneliness in that state. Her conversion to Catholicism has brought out the spiritual woman of my dreams…a vision I had after dedicating mysefl to become a priest at the age of 26 while station in Germany. I am a former seminarian that got derailed by an inappropriate move by my spiritual director…so be careful there too. Make sure you get a rock solid priest. Fortunately but sadly, my former SD is now laicized and married… But I am grateful that he can no longer illicitly represent the priesthood. Further, I think he must have nightmares now that I found him this past year while going through an extreme conversion wondering if I should get my marriage convalidated…I could have walked away but chose to be a good father to my children and a good husband… Many Catholics seem to get this soooooosooooo wrong. If one vocation falls through another will come around. It’s not like there are no choices…but when someone finds a vocation that they really enjoy it’s a miracle.

Your talk of being stoic is not bad. The discernment to offer up penitental loneliness. I loved being single. The only thing more freightening that my wedding day was having our first child many years later. I’m still convinced that God intended me to be a priest. I still feel the calling. I feel the calling so much that I actually fear something bad happening to my children and wife. However, I now realize that God offers us choices that if we work at it we can be joyful…not happy necessarily. Joy has a much deeper meaning tha happiness. Our Friar gave a great homily on the difference, referencing the meanings. Happiness is a sort of mythical fantastic concept. But all of us can be joyful and that is what God truly wants for us. Happiness may never come in this life. We see glimmers of it. I used to always say to people who asked me where home is for me…“home is where I lay my head”.

Advice Now: Continue your spiritual journey with daily mass & communion, frequent confession (2 -3 weeks), Liturgy of the Hourse, Scripture Study, Apologetics, etc. The Blessed Mother is wonderful for vocations…even if you end up married. I’m seeking the diaconate if the bishop will take me a wounded soul.

NOW for the hard stuff: Don’t date…don’t date…stay away from dating…even if you end up finding someone…don’t date. Keep you relationships as friends, but not too close. Discern this. I went to the seminary when I was 18. After falling into chaos I ended up joining the military because I needed separation from everything. Financially ruined I didn’t think I could become a priest again. I felt called to it and ran in shame. But the isolation ended up being good for me and gave me a validation in being a man…a man after God’s own heart. Sure I stumbled around all those soldiers dragging you or trying to drag me into sin. Fell a few times but quickly got back on me feet. Once I got rank I was okay…etc. etc.

[insert my long meaningful story here ]

You, my friend, sound like you have a calling to the priesthood. Grandpa, you are right on most of your points. But this is typical of the calling. Satan tries despirately to confuse us and make us confused. You need to truthfully spend an hour in the oratory more that some of these other things. Concentrate on Jesus. Try not to ask for anything…just focus on God’s will be done and empty our yourself so that God can fill you up.

Praying for you and my sweet Catholic wife prays the rosary for all of our priests and we burn a candle daily for seminarian and one for vocations…I will think of you as we light it. God’s got your number …don’t run… let him do the work. All you have to do right now is sort of go through the motions keeping your heart open and allow Him to work in you. All that other “caring sounding stuff” is in there I guarantee, otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about it.

PAX tecum

 

[vocatio]

If you search my posts you will find bits of my story. I still feel the calling and find joy knowing that God wanted me, but He also want’s me to give a good example for others on how to be a good bishop of the domestic church…the family. My oldest son, 13, is discerning a call to be a priest and is leaning towards the Franciscan order of our Frairs - Sacred Heart in Lorettea. Particularly difficult since we live in Texas. However, I am trying to get the courage to make the first step of filling out the Franciscan University Distance Program for a Graduate degree in Theology. I would prefer to attend, but my job hold and family require that I make this work another way. The University of Dalls just doesn’t inspire me as much and costs 2 to 4 times more. But if God is willing I will consider a PhD at UD. My former seminary is linked below…Benedictines…I always carry a Benedictine medal on me. Scapular, Rosary, Crucifix and Divine Office. Looks like I’m getting ready myself. But I’m preparing for the diaconate. My wife wouldn’t feel kindly towards me if I abandoned her and our 3 children. We’re hoping all of the follow vocations to the priesthood and/or religious life…even our youngest daughter, 2, a little toot…perfect Carmelite.