Should I wait to ask her out?

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Hmm, I’ve read the opposite statistic. That couples who married in their teens and very early twenties, if religious, were more likely to stay married than couples marrying later.

Getting married at 22 sounds young when its your own child, but I think a lot of resisting temptation is conquered when you marry sooner. Why tell yourself that you have to wait to marry until you’re 25? Or 28? or 30? or any other magic number? This sets you up for failure if you do happen to meet the right person early on in life.

To me, it is as fallacious as saying a young married couple “should wait a couple years” before having children so they can “get to know each other better.” I have heard this so many times! The point of dating is to get to know each other better. The point of marriage is to establish a family. If you’re not ready to have children, you’re not ready to be married. It may be that circumstances aren’t ideal, but you have to be willing to accept whatever comes once that sacrament is entered into.
 
Exceptions to the rule…don’t take away from the fact that the rule exists.

Most studies show that:
  1. Financial reasons are stated most for the cause of divorce.
  2. The younger…the more likely to divorce (due to immaturity).
A group called Barna showed that Conservative Christians were more likely to divorce than any other faith(s)…but, I really don’t put too much credence in the study.

Diversity in Families showed that “Men and women who are under the age of 20 when they first marry are two to three times more likely to divorce than their counterparts who first marry in their 20s.”
 
Max,

Go ahead and “date” this girl.

I’m 20 now and I speak from experience, I was 14 at one time too (back in 1998). Times haven’t changed too much since then.

I will say though that early dating can lead to other bad things down the line (sex). While sex is good, it should be reserved for the institution of marriage.

I am dedicated to being a virgin until I’m married, but I recently had a girlfriend and these desires can be really strong and hard to fight off (and I’m in control of those types of things too, so that should give you an idea); I did fight them off.

When I was 14, I tried casual dating and I didn’t wind up in trouble and was pretty far off from sex. But don’t get too involved.
 
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, everyone…though there seems to be quite some controversy over the issue of whether 14 is old enough to date. Well, while I think that some people aren’t mature enough at this age, I believe that I am ready for it. Besides, I’m 15 next month…also, as for the person who suggested I play a ps2 game instead? I don’t really enjoy playing video games anymore, I find them to be mostly just a waste of time and effort. I also think it would be healthy for someone my age to get more used to the opposite sex so that I’m not too shy or clueless when I am at an age of serious dating.
 
If you believe you are mature enough, then maybe you can start ‘dating.’ I use that term loosely because most dating in high school (I myself am only 4 years removed from it) engage in relationships of convenience rather than any relationship based on love. That’s based on my own observations. I think most people believe you can have meaningful relationships as you mature more, towards 17 or 18.
By the way, two generations ago, those in their 70’s now, didn’t they marry when they were real young? I don’t think those people had a problem, since they turned out to be the greatest generation.
 
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Max:
…also, as for the person who suggested I play a ps2 game instead? I don’t really enjoy playing video games anymore, I find them to be mostly just a waste of time and effort.
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Then you should be focusing more on your studies.
 
Go for it. Call her tonight.
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I don’t believe I’ll do that just yet…I should probably let her stay single for a bit longer, since I now recall her mentioning that she was looking forward to the single life again. But, her reason was that she hadn’t been able to flirt in a long time. Still, her boyfriend moved on June 6, so she probably needs more time.

Also, another problem. Though we were both always very open with each other as friends and communicated as much and often as possible, our communication has pretty much broken off after her parents limited her time on the phone and online. That was last January…now, I think that before I ask her out, I should try to first get back to knowing each other as well as we used to.

Also, I don’t believe that a dating relationship between her and I would be very “casual”, as JDS put it. For her, I would do anything I could to protect her, comfort her, and just be there for her. I have no intention whatsoever of going into any type of sexual relationship with her either…in fact, just the thought of that makes me cringe, because how could I possibly do something so harmful and sinful to the girl I claim to care about? Still, I do realize that there will be temptation in any dating relationship, so all I can do is pray to the Lord to guide my conscience and strengthen my will.
 
Max, you are an impressive young man.

I am the mom of twin boys who just turned 15 this week. I hope that their conversations when I am not around are as thoughtful and mature as yours!

One seems to like a particular girl, but goes for the “worship from afar” technique. 😉 He spends alot of time with her, and her friend and another friend. They work together at their summer job, and she (and her two friends!) have come to our house frequently.

The other talked with us a few months back–because he found himself where you find yourself now. He had all the right priorities in his head, but was confronted with the fact that he REALLY liked one particular girl, and didn’t know what to do. They talk online, and occasionally on the phone.

I have pushed from the start for GROUP situations. It’s safer, and it alleviates any pressure that you or she (or my son or his gal) might feel in a “couple” situation. So they’ve gone bowling–he and his brother and she and some of her friends. Clearly he and she are the two who like to talk to each other the most, but there is alot of fun conversation and group laughter going on. Low pressure.

She’s come here to watch a movie on a Friday night, and brought a friend.

This has been going on for a few months now, and they seem (so far) to be handling it well. We’ll see what changes summer vacation brings.

You are on the right track. I think talking to her just to rebuild a friendship is a great way to start. Talk to her: in person, online, on the phone, whatever. Keep it light. I would strongly encourage YOU to keep the group approach in mind. If her parents have been limiting her contacts, it sounds like they are keeping close eye on her conduct and her activities. When you are ready to ask her “out” (which is hard when you can’t drive!), ask her and a friend to do something. By then, she should have the idea that you are particularly interested in her…! But her parents will appreciate your concern for even “the near occasin of sin” and she should respect your efforts to protect her as well.

You won’t get so easily pulled into difficult situations (the kind “couples” find themselves in!) if there are a bunch of you.

And don’t forget to stay close to Jesus. Really. pray more now than you ever have before!! God will keep you on the right track.

👍
 
Kristalyn, what you just said (well…not literally, of course, since it was all typed and read 😃 ) just gave me a much stronger sense of confidence and hope on this thing that’s been eating at me for over a month. Your suggestions are also clearly what I should do, and it’s relieving to hear that I’m at least on the right track as you have said. The group situation is also a great idea-although I thought that couples usually need to spend at least some time alone, if they feel they can handle it of course. But, thank you Kristalyn, and thanks to all of you who gave suggestions and comments.
 
Max, you are certainly a mature young man. I am very impressed. 🙂

I just wanted to comment on a few things. First of all, you mentioned that you have “no intention” of pursuing things sexually with her. Good for you! 😃 Here’s a big virtual high five for ya!!! However, please know that few of us practicing Catholics ever intend on pursuing anything sexually! But that is where falling in love will lead you, as that is where the Lord intended it to. At fourteen, by the world’s standards, you are not too young to date. But you are too young to be married. That said, why date then if marriage is to be the ultimate goal?

I am 26 years old, and have been married now for two years. When I was in college, I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (mentioned previously) and I have thanked God ever since for sending that book my way. Because of the wonderful wisdom in that book, I had peace with not “casually” dating as many of my peers were. My husband and I never “casually” dated. We dated for five months, had a nine month engagement, and have been blissfully married for two years now. We have one child, and another one due next month. I have NEVER regretted not dating; in fact, I have been so happy that I didn’t! It made discerning marriage and staying chaste so much easier!

Do yourself a favor and read that book. You can get it on half.com very cheaply. Go for it! You won’t regret it. 🙂
 
At fourteen, by the world’s standards, you are not too young to date. But you are too young to be married. That said, why date then if marriage is to be the ultimate goal?
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I want to date because it would be something that I can most likely learn from, and would give me knowledge and experience that I can use later in life when I can marry. I could learn what works and what doesn’t, what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say, etc. Also, my dad sometimes tells us how he regretted not asking some of the girls he liked when he was around my age, stressing that I should ask a girl I like out. But, he also gave a couple of other tips that I don’t quite agree with…for example, he suggested going on dates with the more “plain girls” or “less attractive” girls just for practice. Personally I don’t think that’s quite right, because wouldn’t that be using them?

But, after thinking about it a little more…I’m probably not ready for the girl I like just yet. Now, that doesn’t mean I won’t try to bring back the great friendship we had because I couldn’t bear to keep myself distant from her…but, I have a feeling that if I wait a couple more years, the outcome will be much better. That way, we will both be more mature and will have a more meaningful experience. But maybe I’m wrong?
 
Max, if you’re interested in falling in love with Christ, why not go on a weekend where you’ll be with other teenagers? There is a group called Teens Encounter Christ (TEC) that sponsors weekends for teens. It’s part of the Cursillo movement, (Very Catholic, in case you’re not familiar with it), and I have heard very good things about it. There’s a link to the St. Louis TEC here:

stlouistec.org/

I think God is calling you to something very special…you’re a pretty mature 14-year-old! Don’t give up the quest!!! Seek and ye shall find!

Mary 👍
 
Well Mary, that sounds great…but the link you gave me said I had to be at least 16, so I guess I’ll have to find something else…but thanks for suggesting it anyways. 👍
I think God is calling you to something very special…you’re a pretty mature 14-year-old! Don’t give up the quest!!! Seek and ye shall find!
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I certainly hope so…and, of course, I hope that it is God’s will that the girl I like and I go out…but if it truly isn’t, then I guess I’ll have to accept that. But thanks everyone, for your helpfulness.
 
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