Should interfaith marriage be discouraged?

[EasterJoy]

My Mom is Catholic and my dad is Presbyterian. I have never seen them disagree on religion or anything related to it. I have only seen unity and understanding from them. They told me a person’s religion mean nothing when dating or marrying them. I would gladly marry a man from a religion like Shinto etc.

Here is the problem, and I say this as someone who married a prince of a non-Catholic. You cannot change that your husband will be left out of your practice of the faith and vice versa. You will be on your own–do you know what you’re giving up? To say you have only seen unity and understanding from a couple in which they both read the Bible and both celebrate Christmas is a lot different from marrying someone with a strong non-Christian religious culture in their upbringing. Discount that difficulty not just at your peril, but at theirs. (Note: I’m not saying it can’t be done, but that it is wrong to suppose it has no real difficulties for those who are well-educated and self-controlled enough.)

Oh, and don’t tell people who have been through these difficulties and who say that such difficulties are worth avoiding that their problem is that they just aren’t “open-minded” enough. That’s below the belt. (If no one in your family can talk about their faith or politics even with members of their own family, that’s not open-mindedness, but mere avoidance. Those are hardly the same thing!)

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Hello. I was at a church event and my friend from youth group and I were having a conversation on religion and the topic of interfaith marriage came up. We were talking about how interfaith marriage and even interfaith dating should be discouraged because there will be serious consequences in the marriage (Eastern Orthodox/Catholic marriage is exceptional). The children will most likely be confused about faith if both parties are not practicing Catholics and they might even abandon Catholicism later in their lives. I once saw a post that said: "How can you tell your children to go to church and teach them about the faith when your spouse has no affiliation with the faith and does not go to church. I can even relate to this issue as my cousin had an interfaith marriage with a hindu woman. They had 2 separate ceremonies: Catholic and Hindu. She promised to raise their child Catholic but she did not keep the promise. They divorced because of religious differences and their child does not have a religion; she bounces between houses and is exposed to Catholicism in her father’s side and Hinduism in her mother’s side.
However I did see an article in regards to interfaith marriages that said that the love between the couple should be favored over the concept of the children’s faith. But isn’t the primary goal of marriage to lead your spouse to Heaven?
What do you guys think?

Have you considered that what makes marriage work is something other than nominal religious affiliation?

Maybe its the same thing that makes good people choose a religion, or continue to practise the religion they are born into.

In which case same faith can help couples stay together, as can different faith commitments.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Can it be done?

Absolutely…there are plenty of successful interfaith marriages.

Should it be discouraged?

Yup.

Pretty much.

In marriage prep for mixed marriages, I think there needs to be an even heavier emphasis on potential future issues regarding married sexuality. As we’ve all seen from posts on these boards and many times in real life, NFP can be quite difficult for two dedicated Catholics. It’s exponentially more so for a couple in which one is determined to use only NFP if necessary to space/avoid kids, and the other doesn’t understand why they can’t just use a condom/pills/implant/whatever. And despite what some NFP teachers or priests claim, NFP often involves fairly extended abstinence. “You just need to abstain for 5 or 6 days every month” is not true for the overwhelming majority of couples. This needs to be taught honestly and frankly from the start so that people do know what they’re getting into.

Also, religious issues become a bigger deal once kids enter the picture. I teach infant baptism prep classes at my church. We have a lot of parents come in who didn’t really care about the Church or the sacraments as adults until they had kids themselves…and then a switch flipped, and they wanted to give their kids the moral structure and traditions they themselves had as kids. This is often great, in that baptism can be a catalyst to get marriages convalidated and so forth, but it can also be a time of major stress and disagreement because these feelings aren’t limited to Catholics, and a lot of these marriages are mixed. Dad might have a Lutheran background but wasn’t really practicing until he met Mom, who was a lukewarm-at-best Catholic. Now Mom wants the baby baptized Catholic, Dad wants the kid baptized Lutheran and attending services every Sunday, and it’s a big mess. Ugh.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Dad might have a Lutheran background but wasn’t really practicing until he met Mom, who was a lukewarm-at-best Catholic. Now Mom wants the baby baptized Catholic, Dad wants the kid baptized Lutheran and attending services every Sunday, and it’s a big mess. Ugh.

I get the feeling that most of the “religion doesn’t matter” types state that because don’t see religion as mattering much IN GENERAL, not just in choosing a spouse. Many people would state if asked that they are Christian, or would check the “Christian” box on a form asking for demographic information, are far from practicing Christians. Many attend a particular church not because they actually believe all the tenets of that particular church, but because that’s the church they went to as kids, or because they like the atmosphere, music, extra-curricular activities, etc. Some don’t even really see Christ as divine, though they have a vague notion that God does exist.

So of course such a lukewarm Christian would find it doesn’t matter if they marry out of their denomination, or even out of their faith. A whole bunch of lukewarm Buddhists, Hindus, even Muslims out there too. Even many who SEEM devout on the outside, attend services and possess home altars, etc., are often going through the motions and don’t spend much time really contemplating their religious beliefs and how they differ from other religions.

So if a lukewarm Protestant marries a lukewarm Catholic, likely there won’t be much strife, at least at first. The problem is, that often people become more devout as they grow older, especially once children are in the picture. There are certainly many topics that get posted on CAF by “revert” Catholics who are trying to balance their new found faith with preserving marriages to non-Catholics, and many by non-Catholic spouses essentially feeling duped and defrauded; “I didn’t sign up for NFP! I didn’t sign up for weekly mass!”

 

[Guineviere]

I would discourage interfaith dating/marriage if it were between a Christian and non-Christian.

Someone mentioned people of “lukewarm” faith. While that may work out for a while, once children come into the picture, the parent(s) often times become not so lukewarm. Then add parents, relatives, and friends with differing opinions into the mix…

I tell my kids, don’t complicate your life any more than necessary.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would discourage interfaith dating/marriage if it were between a Christian and non-Christian.

Someone mentioned people of “lukewarm” faith. While that may work out for a while, once children come into the picture, the parent(s) often times become not so lukewarm. Then add parents, relatives, and friends with differing opinions into the mix…

I tell my kids, don’t complicate your life any more than necessary.

More to the point, marriage between Catholics and non-Catholics and especially non-Christians is discouraged by the Church, by the leaders of other faiths, and even by secular sociologists. Of all religious groups, Catholics see the least difference in divorce statistics between same-faith and interfaith marriages, but that does not mean this is easy for anyone:

nytimes.com/2013/04/06/opinion/interfaith-marriages-a-mixed-blessing.html?_r=0
(Written by an Conservative Jew married to a former Jehovah’s Witness)
I found that interfaith couples were less satisfied than same-faith couples by a statistically significant margin — and that the more religiously active spouse (as measured by attendance at religious services) tended to be the unhappier one.

Marriage between a Catholic and a non-Christian is particularly problematic, as the marriage is not sacramental and the identity of the family as the domestic Church is even more diluted than when a Catholic marries a baptized non-Catholic believer.

 

[SilverLight]

Here is the problem, and I say this as someone who married a prince of a non-Catholic. You cannot change that your husband will be left out of your practice of the faith and vice versa. You will be on your own–do you know what you’re giving up? To say you have only seen unity and understanding from a couple in which they both read the Bible and both celebrate Christmas is a lot different from marrying someone with a strong non-Christian religious culture in their upbringing. Discount that difficulty not just at your peril, but at theirs. (Note: I’m not saying it can’t be done, but that it is wrong to suppose it has no real difficulties for those who are well-educated and self-controlled enough.)

Oh, and don’t tell people who have been through these difficulties and who say that such difficulties are worth avoiding that their problem is that they just aren’t “open-minded” enough. That’s below the belt. (If no one in your family can talk about their faith or politics even with members of their own family, that’s not open-mindedness, but mere avoidance. Those are hardly the same thing!)

I would never tell someone that they aren’t open minded especially if I dont know them that would just be wrong and rude. People choose not to talk about their faith or politics in my family. It’s not a rule that we can’t we just choose not to all the time.

 

[SilverLight]

Thank you again for sharing your point of view! I am glad that you have taken many classes, it is good for the mind and the soul to learn new things.

I agree with another poster who thought that “open mindedness” about differences was not necessarily the problem. When someone has **deeply **held beliefs that is usually something they live by. I can be open minded about a lot of things, but not about supporting abortion does that make sense? I believe that Jesus Christ was God and am giving my life for Him! It would be hard to marry someone and share a life with them that thought Jesus maybe didn’t even exist as some people do. Like I said, it could be done but it would be challenging.

God bless your day

That’s why I said sometimes. Not everything can be agreed on that just happens with a lot of things. I know some families where the man and woman are both christian and they fight like crazy also. I think part of it all is circumstances and situations when dealing with faith in marriage sometimes.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s why I said sometimes. Not everything can be agreed on that just happens with a lot of things. I know some families where the man and woman are both christian and they fight like crazy also. I think part of it all is circumstances and situations when dealing with faith in marriage sometimes.

My apologies. When you wrote, " In my home we don’t talk about religion or politics they can start arguments," I took that to mean that religion and politics were particularly taboo subjects, not that your family has simply learned by experience that certain subjects aren’t going to yield a profitable discussion. Those are different things. One is avoidance, whereas the other is practically a condition of close-quarters tolerance.

Still, if you have not already found yourself someone of a different faith that you have decided to marry I would strongly urge you to learn what you believe and find someone who is of a like mind and a like practice. Of course it is still important to be willing to tolerate differences, because no one can guarantee he or she will never change. Those who truly share a love of the things most important to both of them usually have a far easier path, though. It is not just easier, though. For instance, no one can help you look at yourself as a physicist like a fellow physicist or help you to assess yourself as a musician like a fellow musician. The person who is of a like mind will not have the exact same mind. Persons with a spouse who is of a like mind find they are both challenged and encouraged by a spouse who believes same things but perceives them from a different perspective. As difficult as contemporary life makes the path of marriage, that is no small thing. Don’t discount the value of it, nor the demonstrated perils of going without it.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I agree that it’s possible to have a strong interfaith marriage but should still be discouraged. In most of the interfaith couples I know, at least one of the two doesn’t practice their faith at all so it’s hard to say they’re really an interfaith couple. I have a friend who was a non-practicing Catholic most of his life, let his non-Catholic wife handle every faith-based decision in their marriage, then came back to his faith and is now hurt and saddened by the fact that their kids aren’t Catholic. He goes to Mass alone every week and is so depressed about the situation that he can’t even discuss it with me.

Even more frustrating is my wife’s cousin. She was a devout, faithful Catholic when she married her Bible Christian husband (no definitive denomination for him other than NOT Catholic). She still considers herself a devout, faithful Catholic although her definition of what that is wouldn’t be recognizable to most people here. She makes sure she goes to Mass at least once every 4-6 weeks but goes to whatever church he likes at the moment the rest of the time (because all Christian denominations are equal, you know). Their kids aren’t baptized but they do get lots of religious education, although it leaves out pretty much anything that’s identifiable as Catholic (Mary in particular). Nobody’s allowed to talk to him about his faith but everybody is expected to kowtow to him when he starts bashing Catholics. When we do discuss anything regarding our faith (typically just mundane parish comings and goings), he either leaves the room or gives looks/rolls his eyes the whole time. Any generic discussions about faith with him are nearly impossible because he tends to dismiss anything you say because you’re not a real Christian. I can’t speak to how it affects them personally but it definitely causes some stress between them and both their extended families.

 

[phil19034]

I know people who have christian and Jewish parents. They all seemed like fine families to me and worked out well. They would celebrate holidays in both religions and I’m sure as the children get older they learn to understand both in some way. There could be some religions that might cause slightly and small problems but that’s few. My parents told me that the religions of someone does not matter. It’s how they treat you as a person and individual. Love does not obay any laws and goes past religion.

As I posted before, my wife is Jewish. I love her very much. But I would tell a practicing Catholic to NEVER marry a Jewish person.

Reason: I was a cultural Catholic when I met my wife and when we got together. I only attended mass once or twice a year (Christmas & Easter). I believed in Jesus Christ and Real Presence, but I was just “spiritual” and didn’t believe in Dogma, Doctrine or Discipline; thinking they were all man-made things.

But after my sister & dad became Catholic bashing, fundamentalist Protestants; I started learning more about the Catholic Faith and WHY the Church teaches what it teaches.

When I started attending Sunday Mass and stated to believe in everything that the Church teaches; my wife did not like that. She was fine when I attended Mass twice a year, but attending every Sunday became an issue for her quickly.

When we first married, we agreed to allow the kids to do whatever they wanted. But now, my wife is against them becoming Catholic because according to her, if they become Catholic it will be because I attend every week; not because they choose it 100% on their own.

Also, I have become anti-Birth Control, and my wife is very pro-birth control. I was always against abortion, but my wife if pro-Choice (against Abortion as a form of normal birth control, but very pro abortion to kill birth defects). Her pro-choice stance was a big issue for me during the birth of our second child because we were forced to attend a meeting regarding testing… I was furious listening to this woman talk about the different tests they can run to determine if our kid should be aborted. If one of those tests would have been positive, my wife would have wanted to kill our child.

Different religions play a major role is determining our Morals, Ethics & Values. This is where the different religions plays a major issue in our marriage. Since my wife is just a secular, reform Jew; she never goes to temple. But she is left of center on political issues and I’m right of center. This wasn’t an issue until “same sex marriage” and this whole “gender identification” things started coming into play. I’m 100% Catholic in my view of these issues, while my wife is in line with the secular culture. I also want raise my kids to be chaste, but my wife & her “living in sin” mother view that having rules cause kids to rebel. Finally, I don’t believe in divorce, but my wife does (because her parents are divorced).

In closing… I believe religious differences can be over come ONLY if at least two of the following are met:

1. the couple is 100% committed to each other and/or 100% committed to keeping the family together for the sake of the children (I.E. they put their kids happiness before their own).
2. while having difference religious views/beliefs, the couple still shares matching Morals, Ethics & Values. i.e. they agree on secular topics regarding how to rear children, political issues, morality, etc.
3. One or both spouses are NOT piously practicing their religion.

God Bless and may I ask each of please pray for me, my wife & my family.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I also think it depends on exactly how different the religions are. There is much less difference between a Catholic and a High Church Anglican (indeed, see how easily such Anglicans were let into the Church by Pope B), than between a Catholic and a Jew. There is much less difference between a Catholic and a Jew, than a Catholic and a Hindu.

Of course, this isn’t even taking into account how seriously the spouses take their religions. While there is technically less of gap between a Catholic and a Baptist than a Catholic and a Hindu, a Catholic who marries a Baptist who has strongly anti-Catholic beliefs, might actually have much more contentious marriage than a Catholic who marries Hindu who doesn’t really practice the faith but sees it more as a matter of honoring ancestors’ culture.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

In closing… I believe religious differences can be over come ONLY if at least two of the following are met:

1. the couple is 100% committed to each other and/or 100% committed to keeping the family together for the sake of the children (I.E. they put their kids happiness before their own).
2. while having difference religious views/beliefs, the couple still shares matching Morals, Ethics & Values. i.e. they agree on secular topics regarding how to rear children, political issues, morality, etc.
3. One or both spouses are NOT piously practicing their religion.

God Bless and may I ask each of please pray for me, my wife & my family.

#3 is actually the big one imo. The threads on CAF about these issues seem to occur once one spouse gets really serious about their faith.

And a quick question about #2. Aren’t one’s personally held morals, ethics, and values subject to change over the decades based on life experiences? Even if it was a marriage of two Catholics?

 

[Convert_in_99]

Your wife and you agree to raise the kids Catholic and as a protestant she follows Catholic teaching on sexual matters including contraception?

Well, There is a job for you two in the middle east!

Ok forgive my ignorance but what does this mean?

 

[Kelfa28]

In closing… I believe religious differences can be over come ONLY if at least two of the following are met:

1. the couple is 100% committed to each other and/or 100% committed to keeping the family together for the sake of the children (I.E. they put their kids happiness before their own).
2. while having difference religious views/beliefs, the couple still shares matching Morals, Ethics & Values. i.e. they agree on secular topics regarding how to rear children, political issues, morality, etc.
3. One or both spouses are NOT piously practicing their religion.

God Bless and may I ask each of please pray for me, my wife & my family.

I would only think that the first two would work.

The reason number 3 is such a variable is because no one has any idea when or if they would change their faith.
I had a serious change of heart when I became pregnant with my first child.
Thank-fully, so did my husband and we both went right to the Church.

It would have been disastrous for our marriage and our children if one of us wasn’t totally on board with our new found devotion towards the Catholic Church…especially with it’s doctrine on how children are to be raised and how we are expected to space children.

If a couple goes into a marriage on board with everything and agree with each other on how to raise their children (whether Christian, Atheist, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim…whatever) then it should work.

 

[Convert_in_99]

As one in a mixed denomination marriage (I’m Catholic and he’s Protestant) I wish the Church wouldn’t allow Mixed Faith marriages. We’ve been fairly successful but it’s incredibly lonely going to mass and church groups alone. I’m also blessed that my husband is on board with the NFP and is letting me baptize the children Catholic and take them to mass and all (if we had kids ). But he still wants them to get to know his church too. So that’s not the best scenario. I have a very difficult time with spouse shopping (dating) as I have mental illness. Not many people, let alone Catholics, wanted to deal with that the rest of their lives, but my Protestant husband did. Now I may not have had the blessing to marry at all if I didnt marry my husband, but if the church had put her foot down entirely I would have much more likely remained single until I found a Catholic who could put up with my mental health issues. The dispensation was easily obtained and only minimally discouraged. I’m very thankful for my husband and for having a lifelong companion who accepts me as I am, but Catholic-Catholic marriage is best for a reason. Especially when children are in the picture.

 

[SanguineRose]

I grew up in a mixed religion household (Muslim and Jewish) and it was not the most ideal situation. My parents were not very religious when they met in their early twenties, so they thought it would work out fine, but it really didn’t. After I was born, they both decided they didn’t want me to be raised without any religion at all, so that was a dispute, and then they both started to gravitate more towards their own faiths as they got older, so the dispute just got worse over time.

My marriage is mixed, as my husband reverted to Catholicism last year, and it’s been a pretty rough year since our values are a lot different now than when we started. I wouldn’t recommend a mixed marriage on the whole, but it can work out if you’re willing to find places you can compromise.

 

[Cake_or_Death]

Probably, but it’s going to happen anyway as the “pool” from which to draw devout members of your own religious tradition are fairly slim pickings at the best of times, particularly if you’re a woman looking for a practicing Catholic man.

The vast majority of marriages in non-Catholic states like the United Kingdom and Germany are mixed marriages, I think there just isn’t the numbers or interest to support only marrying within ones own faith or denomination.

 

[pete_29]

Catholic girls I knew were always too good for me. I found my wife in the Community of Christ. She has put up with my insanity for 27 years. She lost her leg to cancer when she was a kid. Our youngest child was born with Spina Bifida. She was offered an abortion but she refused. 21 years later our daughter lost her own leg to cancer and is now in the hospital receiving chemo treatments, and it’s not going well. My wife is there with her. This woman is a saint, no matter what denomination she belongs to. I could not have found a better wife.

 

[white_sheep]

Consider that you are a woman who is Catholic and marry a Baptist man who agrees at the time that the children will be raised Catholic. A year or two later you have your first baby, a beautiful little boy. Is he going to go to the pre-baptism class with you? Accept that his family can’t be godparents? What about when the kid is starting catechism, will he take him if you can’t? How is he going to be supportive when the kid has his 1st Holy Communion? What about when he is in confirmation class and has to have a mass attendance record and you are sick, will he take him to mass? Furthermore, will he go to mass with you on Sundays, or will he go fishing while poor little Johnny has to suffer through church instead? How happy is he going to be with NFP after the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th surprise? His buddies can all have sex whenever they want, why does he have to abstain for weeks or months as a married man, why can’t she just take the pill or let him use condoms? What if you die, can you really trust that he will be able to guide the children in the Catholic faith and ensure that they are raised Catholic?