Should teenage daughter come to visit with fiance overnight?

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I have a 17 year old daughter who lives with her mom (we were divorced) 7 hours away in the next state. Seeing her is difficult because of the distance but I try to see her as often as possible. She is now engaged to a 19 year old boy. She has asked to drive up with her fiance to visit me with the understanding they would sleep in seperate rooms. I have premitted this once before but was uncomfortable. My wife now is totally against it. I do not want my daughter to drive that distance alone. I have flown her up in the past, driven down there to see her, and met her half way to pick her up on past occasions. Her fiance appears very respectable and they have said to me that they are waiting to get married before having sex. I trust my daughter but also know how hormones are raging for both of them at that age. One of the issues is that the spare bedrooms are directly across from each other and the master bedroom on the other side of the house. My daughter is very stubborn and somewhat spoiled - she likes to get her way. Telling her no almost always results in a least temporarily hurting our relationship - which is already strained due to the distance. My feeling is that there may be a 50/50 split on this among Christians. My wife says - no way in the world would anyone allow it. What are your opinions out there?
 
Do you have a neighbor or friend who will put boyfriend up as a guest? That way he makes the trip, you get to spend time with both of them and the temptation is removed at night?

Do some creative room moving - put one in the living room and one in a guest room. You sleep in the other guest room with the door open.
 
I don’t see a problem with it, as long as it’s seperate beds, of course. You said you trust your daughter.

Think of it this way-if she is really serious about him, this will give you a chance to get to know him better.
 
I am not real close with my neighbors other then a few waves of hello. Seems like alot to ask and probably quite uncomfortable for the boy not knowing them at all.
 
gjc1111 said:
I have a 17 year old daughter who lives with her mom (we were divorced) 7 hours away in the next state. Seeing her is difficult because of the distance but I try to see her as often as possible. She is now engaged to a 19 year old boy. She has asked to drive up with her fiance to visit me with the understanding they would sleep in seperate rooms. I have premitted this once before but was uncomfortable. My wife now is totally against it. I do not want my daughter to drive that distance alone. I have flown her up in the past, driven down there to see her, and met her half way to pick her up on past occasions. Her fiance appears very respectable and they have said to me that they are waiting to get married before having sex. I trust my daughter but also know how hormones are raging for both of them at that age. One of the issues is that the spare bedrooms are directly across from each other and the master bedroom on the other side of the house. My daughter is very stubborn and somewhat spoiled - she likes to get her way. Telling her no almost always results in a least temporarily hurting our relationship - which is already strained due to the distance. My feeling is that there may be a 50/50 split on this among Christians. My wife says - no way in the world would anyone allow it. What are your opinions out there?
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Find a friends home for him to stay at during the visit. Or switch the sleeping arrangements up. Daughter stays on the other end of the house or fiance sleeps on the couch downstairs. Or stick with the current arrangements and trust your daughter. If a 17 year old is being trusted to enter into marriage then perhaps she should be trusted to act like an adult who can respect your home. However, “stubborn” and “spoiled” lead me to think she cannot be trusted. …

We allow our children to bring guests home that sleep in our house. We trust them to behave in a respectable way in our home.
 
gjc1111 said:
I am not real close with my neighbors other then a few waves of hello. Seems like alot to ask and probably quite uncomfortable for the boy not knowing them at all.
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Ask a friend from Church. People at Church understand your morals and would be thrilled to help.
 
She will be 18 and nearly 19 shy of about 3 months when she does marry. Not much say in the matter once 18 since she does not need my consent.
 
Do you have a son that can bench more than the 19-yo fiancee can or is a golden gloves boxer? If so, have them room together.
 
Please keep in mind that I was away from the Church when you read this 😃

My ex and I were living together, but not married. When we would stay at my parent’s house, he would sleep downstairs on the couch and I would sleep upstairs. I hated it and saw no reason as nothing would “happen” at home, but that was how it was. I understand now, but did not then. She may be upset, but she will understand eventually. It took me three years. 🙂

By the way, I was 19 when I got married. I was 18 at that time, but it was my parents’ house, so their rules.
 
My parents always had boyfriends over for the night when there was a reason for it.

Course they slept in the basement while our rooms were on the second floor (it’s a finished basement). Even if we didn’t have such a basement, my parents probably would have made them sleep on the sofa in the family room.

Even if I did have raging hormones at the age of 17, I’d be too scared to try any funny business if my parents were down the hall. I was too scared and embarrassed to be caught *kissing * (enough though my parents would really have no issue with that) never mind sex. 😛

I have a sister around that age. She’s also stubborn and is used to having her own way. But she’s also not a total fool that can’t be trusted. She has too good a relationship with her parents to do anything that would seriously disappoint them. It annoys mom sometimes and they will argue. But she still a good kid with a head on her shoulders.
 
I don’t really see the problem here. You will be providing separate sleeping quarters for them.

If they are sleeping together now, or intent on doing so, it doesn’t matter if they are under the same roof or not, across the hall or separated by several floors, at your house or where they live right now.

They will find a time and a place to engage in these activities despite whatever you contrive, if that is their desire. It doesn’t sound like there is any plot afoot.

Honestly, unless you are with them 24x7 you have to trust them. If you don’t want the boyfriend to visit at all, then go see your daughter. If you want him to come but don’t want him in your home, get him a hotel room at your expense.

I don’t see any reason to alienate your daughter over something that seems rather trivial. She’s not asking to have him in her bedroom. She’s willing to abide by house rules. I really don’t see the issue.
 
I agree that since you can provide separate sleeping areas that this is OK. We had a recent similar discussion, but the distance was much less. In that case I could see why the boyfriend could be expected to go home at night.

In this case, I think it will be fine. Possibly you could consider your wife and daughter sharing your room and you sleep in one of the guest rooms, but since they are not mother and daughter that could be awkward also.

If you really don’t want him overnight, then the most polite solution is to get him a hotel room nearby at your expense.
 
Lost_Lamb said:
Please keep in mind that I was away from the Church when you read this 😃

My ex and I were living together, but not married. When we would stay at my parent’s house, he would sleep downstairs on the couch and I would sleep upstairs. I hated it and saw no reason as nothing would “happen” at home, but that was how it was. I understand now, but did not then. She may be upset, but she will understand eventually. It took me three years. 🙂

By the way, I was 19 when I got married. I was 18 at that time, but it was my parents’ house, so their rules.
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I, too, was away from the Church, and lived with my now husband. When staying with my parents or his, we slept in different rooms.

Their house, their rules. No hardship on us, we respected both families and followed their request.
 
rayne89 said:
My best friend married at 17 -she just celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary.
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From the Huffington Post - all I could find in a quick search -

*The most comprehensive study on marriage and age that sociologists cite was published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2001, from 1995 data, and it found that 48 percent of those who marry before 18 are likely to divorce within 10 years, compared with 24 percent of those who marry after age 25.
*

Now, it’s true that the age at first marriage is rising and so is the divorce rate, but I’m not sure there is a correlation.

And, 20 years ago teens were more mature, if you ask me…
 
I think you should trust your daughter, but also I think you should tell them both, in no uncertain terms, that you expect no hanky-panky.

You don’t have to be a jerk about it, just matter-of-fact. Perhaps even loving about it - to say to your future son-in-law that your daughter is precious to you and that you expect him to respect and cherish her, etc…

Other posters are correct that ultimately you can’t stop it from happening, but you CAN make it clear that you don’t condone it.

As to the young marriage discussion - I think a lot depends on where you live, and why you got married. Married at 17 because you got pregnant? Or because you live in an area where many people get married out of high school? I’m not sure statistics can really tell the story.
 
Why not put him up in a hotel? Why should he have to stay at your place? He could come over every morning.
 
Can you and your daughter sleep in the same room? That’s what my mom did when dh came to meet my family b4 we were married. I agree, I would not have them sleeping in rooms across from each other with you on the other side, not related in any way to whether or not you trust your daughter, but simply because there is no reason to put them in that situation of temptation. Regardless of whatever anyone may say, it can be a temptation, especially since they are already engaged… and if there is no absolutely no temptation, then I would say maybe they shouldn’t be getting married :p. Good luck! 🙂
 
If you trust your daughter, then I’d let them stay as you did before. I think it is less likely they will get up to something there than go somewhere else, if that is what they want to do. If you discover they have abused that trust, then it’s a different story.

The only difficulty with this is that it may make her mother angry, which it might be best to avoid, for many reasons. Does she have an alternate solution? Maybe help pay for a hotel room for the boyfriend? You might even put it to your daughter - what does she think would be the best approach to keep the peace? (If she will say something to make more of a fuss, than that suggestion should be ignored!)
 
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