Should this be happening in a dating relationship?

[angell1]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

I’m not in a relationship, but out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence? I don’t really think I would like to be told who I could or couldn’t have as friend. I mean my parents have done that, but that’s a different story

what do you guys think?

 

[EasterJoy]

Dating is an ongoing-negotiation. I agree with the school of thought that says that since presuming to be entitled to veto power over other relationships is the sign of a controlling or even dangerous person, a play to do that should not be tolerated. Period.

 

[Exiled_Child]

Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with someone like that.

 

[1ke]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

No.

A person may have observations about a SO’s friend, concerns, and the SO should certainly listen to these and weigh them carefully.

out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

You are young, and many of the people you know are young. What you describe is immature behavior, not behavior that adults should engage in. Those who do have issues.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence?

If there are serious concerns about a person or their influence on a person you are dating, and that person cannot or will not see for themselves that a “friend” needs to go-- illegal, dangerous or seriously immoral behavior-- then it is up to you to remove yourself from the situation, not to issue ultimatums to another. It is a serious red flag, and should not be taken lightly. It tells you a lot about the person you are dating, what their priorities are, and the sort of behavior they find acceptable. It’s your cue to move on.

 

[EasterJoy]

No.

A person may have observations about a SO’s friend, concerns, and the SO should certainly listen to these and weigh them carefully.

You are young, and many of the people you know are young. What you describe is immature behavior, not behavior that adults should engage in. Those who do have issues.

If there are serious concerns about a person or their influence on a person you are dating, and that person cannot or will not see for themselves that a “friend” needs to go-- illegal, dangerous or seriously immoral behavior-- then it is up to you to remove yourself from the situation, not to issue ultimatums to another. It is a serious red flag, and should not be taken lightly. It tells you a lot about the person you are dating, what their priorities are, and the sort of behavior they find acceptable. It’s your cue to move on.

Having said all that, if you put your foot down and this person seems to your satisfaction to realize he was out-of-bounds to make this kind of demand, you might let it go once. You would want to be on the lookout that this was a one-time instance of bad judgment brought on because you had a relationship that many others in your circle thought was very ill-advised.

The person ought to instead say, “It isn’t my place to choose your friends for you, but this person does X, Y, and Z, you know it, and that isn’t something I tolerate. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a good match.” That isn’t issuing an ultimatuum. That is using your choices as evidence that your judgment or standards aren’t likely to ever synchronize with theirs.

 

[angell1]

Having said all that, if you put your foot down and this person seems to your satisfaction to realize he was out-of-bounds to make this kind of demand, you might let it go once. You would want to be on the lookout that this was a one-time instance of bad judgment brought on because you had a relationship that many others in your circle thought was very ill-advised.

The person ought to instead say, “It isn’t my place to choose your friends for you, but this person does X, Y, and Z, you know it, and that isn’t something I tolerate. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a good match.” That isn’t issuing an ultimatuum. That is using your choices as evidence that your judgment or standards aren’t likely to ever synchronize with theirs.

no, that’s not exactly what I think happens though.

it’s more like"if you don’t stop being friends with x, I’m breaking up with you." or “if you really think I’m important, then you wouldn’t coose them over me” or saying that the so can only hang out with certain people when the other is around. more of the guilt-trip type of comments.

 

[angell1]

No.

A person may have observations about a SO’s friend, concerns, and the SO should certainly listen to these and weigh them carefully.

You are young, and many of the people you know are young. What you describe is immature behavior, not behavior that adults should engage in. Those who do have issues.

If there are serious concerns about a person or their influence on a person you are dating, and that person cannot or will not see for themselves that a “friend” needs to go-- illegal, dangerous or seriously immoral behavior-- then it is up to you to remove yourself from the situation, not to issue ultimatums to another. It is a serious red flag, and should not be taken lightly. It tells you a lot about the person you are dating, what their priorities are, and the sort of behavior they find acceptable. It’s your cue to move on.

it’s not always people my own age either. I see it in older adults as well.

sometimes it’s over something more or less valid, other times, it really isn’t

but that’s what I was thinking too, if I would have to actually tell my SO that them hanging out with a certain person is a bad idea, and they didn’t figure it out themselves, there’s a bigger problem. provided that my reasoning was valid of course

 

[WingsOfEagles]

No, control is a warning sign of an abusive relationship. You can bring up concerns/valid observations about a SO’s friend, but if a SO’s friends are deal breakers for you, you may need to consider whether you two are compatible.

 

[jilly4ski]

Having said all that, if you put your foot down and this person seems to your satisfaction to realize he was out-of-bounds to make this kind of demand, you might let it go once. You would want to be on the lookout that this was a one-time instance of bad judgment brought on because you had a relationship that many others in your circle thought was very ill-advised.

The person ought to instead say, “It isn’t my place to choose your friends for you, but this person does X, Y, and Z, you know it, and that isn’t something I tolerate. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a good match.” That isn’t issuing an ultimatuum. That is using your choices as evidence that your judgment or standards aren’t likely to ever synchronize with theirs.

This is an interesting question because I see how it would be applied to relationships. Like I wsaa friends with this girl through middle school and most of high school. We never had a falling out, but by the time I went to college we were on different paths. But I was considered the “good influence” in her life. But now we are only really only facebook friends, which is nice because we can chat, but don’t have to reconcile our very different lifestyles and interests.

The other was that in college I befriended this guy. He had some issues and was one of those “needy” friends, by this time I was in a long distance relationship (dating and then engaged). I realized pretty early that I needed to limit that friendship for the sack of my relationship, without my significant other saying anything about it.

I guess these sorts of conflicts would resolve this way when both parties are mature.

 

[adamhovey1988]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

I’m not in a relationship, but out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence? I don’t really think I would like to be told who I could or couldn’t have as friend. I mean my parents have done that, but that’s a different story

what do you guys think?

Most of my friends are female. That is just who I gravitate towards. I can understand being weary of having your girlfriend or boyfriend having friends that are significant others. But that would be kind of stupid for me since I tend to meet girlfriends through mutual friends (which means they may have already had male friends), and I am not going to stop being friends with said mutual friend. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I really don’t like it (or agree with it), but I understand why some folks would.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

I’m not in a relationship, but out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence? I don’t really think I would like to be told who I could or couldn’t have as friend. I mean my parents have done that, but that’s a different story

what do you guys think?

No, that should not be happening.

 

[SuperLuigi]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

I’m not in a relationship, but out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence? I don’t really think I would like to be told who I could or couldn’t have as friend. I mean my parents have done that, but that’s a different story

what do you guys think?

At the risk of sounding trite, it depends.

Telling someone who they can and cannot be friends with is often contentious territory to say the least.

The best guard against stuff like is experience.

One of my friends from college had a girlfriend who would blatnatly flirt with other men when they went out it. It was so bad and obvious that someone told him “you do see what’s going on, right”? He just shrugged and said “yeah, but if it keeps up, we won’t be together for very long”.

I remember making it more or less clear to a girl in distance relationship I thought some of her friends were a bad influence, and if she thought she’d be able to call me to apologize after a drunken sexual encounter and and expect me to tolerate it, that it wasn’t going to happen.

So I think if someone has a concern about certain friendships, they should voice it in a way that isn’t “pick me or pick them”.

Just don’t tolerate any nonsense or drama. That will cancel out the bulk of the problem.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Most of my friends are female. That is just who I gravitate towards. I can understand being weary of having your girlfriend or boyfriend having friends that are significant others. But that would be kind of stupid for me since I tend to meet girlfriends through mutual friends (which means they may have already had male friends), and I am not going to stop being friends with said mutual friend. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I really don’t like it (or agree with it), but I understand why some folks would.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, if that’s all it is. If there’s a bunch of drama going on, not worth it. Ever.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Dating is an ongoing-negotiation. I agree with the school of thought that says that since presuming to be entitled to veto power over other relationships is the sign of a controlling or even dangerous person, a play to do that should not be tolerated. Period.

Well, if you’re dating someone who cannot resist sleeping around with their friends, they aren’t in a position for a good Catholic marriage.

Then there’s the other side where people are paranoid jealous which isn’t good either.

But I have made it clear there is behavior I will not tolerate and allow it exist under the guise of “friendship”.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

no, that’s not exactly what I think happens though.

it’s more like"if you don’t stop being friends with x, I’m breaking up with you." or “if you really think I’m important, then you wouldn’t coose them over me” or saying that the so can only hang out with certain people when the other is around. more of the guilt-trip type of comments.

If someone sez this ^ to you, your reply to them should be, “your right, your not that important to me”. Or, “I value my friend more than you”. Or, “mind your own business”. Or, “don’t try to manipulate me”. Or, “grow up, when you get some big boy pants maybe we’ll talk”. Or, “get lost”.

I hope you get my point. When a person sez something like, “you’d stop being their friend if you cared about me” you need to ditch them straight away. It’s the “if you cared about me” part that is manipulative, controlling, selfish and possessive. It would be different if someone said “your friend is not good for you”. But the two statements have different intentions; one is controlling and selfish, the other is rooted in concern for the person’s well-being. However, I would think concern could be faked especially by younger people, like teenagers.

 

[AClaire11]

no, that’s not exactly what I think happens though.

it’s more like"if you don’t stop being friends with x, I’m breaking up with you." or “if you really think I’m important, then you wouldn’t coose them over me” or saying that the so can only hang out with certain people when the other is around. more of the guilt-trip type of comments.

No, that’s a really bad sign. All the stories I’ve heard of awful, abusive relationships involve ultimatums like that. Run and don’t look back. Believe me, anyone who would say that is no good.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Generally a bad sign, I think, although I can think of a few exceptions. Off the top of my head, say someone has friends who are abusing drugs, and boyfriend/girlfriend knows that they’re pressuring their partner to do the same. I can see drawing a line in the sand in that instance and saying, “I can’t watch you destroy your life, you need to cut these people off or I’m gonna split.”

But that’s a pretty extreme case. If someone is saying, “Drop that friend, his laugh is annoying” then that’s overly controlling and shouldn’t be tolerated.

 

[chevalier]

should a boyfriend or girlfriend tell the person that they are dating who they are allowed to have as friends?

Nope. A boyfriend is not a husband, and even a husband is not a boss to just tell the wife what to do.

I’m not in a relationship, but out of the people that I know who are, this sort of thing is quite common. if the boyfriend or girlfriend doen’st like a friend of thei person they are dating, then they give a “pick me or them” type of scenario.

That’s not exactly telling the other person who he or she is ‘allowed’ to have as a friend, especially if there is a good reason. Simply liking or not liking your boyfriend or girlfriend’s friend is not a good reason. However, if there is some kind of toxic friendship or friendship that verges into romantic territory, then it’s only a reasonable request to ask the boyfriend or girlfriend to choose and commit either way.

The problem with relationships is that neither person has a right to unilaterally dictate the terms. So on the one hand person A can’t tell person B what to do, but neither can person B expect person A to just grin and bear it and put up with everything.

You can probably tell that ‘take it or leave it’ is nasty business, and ending the relationship because you don’t like something is pretty irreversible (otherwise not pretty at all), so it’s only natural that people attempt to negotiate. Negotiating too forcefully is, of course, controlling, but also the party who expects to have the cake and eat it too by being in a relationship and acting single, that party too is controlling.

So again, there’s no easy way out to beat the system and have it your way. The very idea of a relationship is that nobody just simply gets his or her way, you have to agree somehow and make it work.

does it matter if the points they bring up are valid? like maybe the person is a bad influence?

Of course it does. It’s the duty of any friend (whether or not boyfriend or girlfriend) to care and warn if necessary — like with family members, except the moral obligation is less strong.

And once again, a boyfriend or girlfriend who wants to ignore his or her boyfriend/girlfriend’s desires and preference and objections has no right to dictate the terms of the relationship unilaterally either. Like a said: neither party in a relationship can expect to just use (instrumentally) selfishly in his or her own favour and compel the other person to stay in the relationship and put up with it. Relationships are, by definition, mutual, so the parties have to find a way to agree.

I don’t really think I would like to be told who I could or couldn’t have as friend.

You wouldn’t like to be told that you have to put up with your boyfriend or girlfriend having toxic friendships or romanticized friendships that threaten your relationship, or friendships that take up so much time and attention span that there’s little left for the relationship, either.

I mean my parents have done that, but that’s a different story

A boyfriend is not dad, and a girlfriend is not mum. He or she is not an authority figure. However, it’s like any normal friends or siblings. You can’t make it work if either one party expects to be completely in charge — neither the person who has disagreeable friendships, nor the other person, who dislikes those friendships. You have to find a middle ground. Not even because of moral reasons as much as simply because you have to find a way to make the relationship work. If not, split up.

Anyone who expects continued unrestricted moral right to act as he or she pleases should remain single.

 

[chevalier]

Dating is an ongoing-negotiation. I agree with the school of thought that says that since presuming to be entitled to veto power over other relationships is the sign of a controlling or even dangerous person, a play to do that should not be tolerated. Period.

I usually agree with you (as strong as our occasional disagreements tend to be), but here I feel absolutely forced to take exception to the absolute terms of that statement. I know Americans are more attached than most people to broad personal freedom to act as one pleases, and me not being American myself obviously makes my perspective different, so we have a cultural difference, but like you say yourself, ‘dating is an ongoing negotiation’. This means that neither party gets to dictate the terms. You can’t tell your ‘significant other’ what to do but neither can your individualism and focus on individual rights hold the SO hostage. If both parties are to be happy, something has to give. If both parties are not happy, and in particular if one of the parties is emotionally/socially blackmailed into putting up with disagreeable things and putting on a happy face, well, I’m certain we can both agree something’s wrong. What’s needed is to consider things also from that other person’s perspective, instead of focusing solely on the perspective of the person whose conduct is asked to be restrained somewhat to continue to make the relationship mutually viable and enjoyable.

 

[Allegra]

Presuming the friend in question didn’t do something really horrible to the boyfriend or girlfriend (something on the level of a sexual assault or car theft) I don’t think I would tolerate being given ultimatums.