Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?

[maryjk]

If you know they have the money, maybe husband ask for it as a joint early Christmas gift? With a little soft soap from husband about how pensmama87 has put her back out and is hurting awful bad and you’d REALLY appreciate it.

I know that kind of stinks as a Christmas gift, but it could take the edge of the request. Plus, you avoid getting gifts that annoy you because you keep looking at them and thinking–I could have used this money to fix the door!!!

It also kind of stinks to have to beg for something that they ought to pay for without being begged to do it, but sometimes people just don’t think.

Okay, I have to call a flag on the play here.

Why should the in-laws pay for this? As in “ought to pay for without being begged to do it?”

The door was broken before the FIL touched it. In fact, it was the husband that hit something and crunched the door, then didn’t get it fixed.

 

[Xantippe]

Okay, I have to call a flag on the play here.

Why should the in-laws pay for this? As in “ought to pay for without being begged to do it?”

The door was broken before the FIL touched it. In fact, it was the husband that hit something and crunched the door, then didn’t get it fixed.

OK–let’s say “ought to pay at least part of.” I can’t imagine administering the coup de grace to my uber-frugal DIL’s van door and going on my merry way, especially not if they have three little kids including a new baby. If the in-laws are nice, loving, helpful people and if they have the money, they’ll want to help.

But if they don’t have the money, don’t have your husband ask.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I have been in your shoes in terms of van door handle breaking! It’s a real pain. Our van only has one side door so we removed the handle and used a stick to reach inside the mechanism to spring it open. Those things are pretty expensive to have repaired too, but the actual parts aren’t too bad. We ended up ordering it and my boys and I fixed it. Could you have your father in law do the repair himself? It’s pretty easy and doesn’t take long at all. My teens and I fixed it in less than 15 mins. We watched a couple youtube videos before we ordered the part so we knew what we needed to do already. You could also turn it in to your insurance and see if they will cover it, but depending on your deductible you might not meet it. I wouldn’t wait until January. I would most definitely ask for him to pay, and then pay him back in January if need be. It’s not just a pain but a safety issue at this point.

If you, your DH, or your parents-in-law are at all handy, I like this idea. The only caveat, of course, is the time factor–it can be really hard to do a project with a newborn in the house, especially if the newborn is super-needy and wants to be held all the time. However, if the guys or your MIL could do it, then you can baby-wrangle while they do, and maybe make a nice dinner for afterwards to finish smoothing things over?

I’ve saved a lot of money over the years by getting a part and then fixing whatever it is myself with the help of a YouTube video. There are a lot of very professional ones on there; I get the impression that some handymen and mechanics do the videos as a sort of hobby…yay, them! It’s definitely a public service.

 

[UbiCaritas]

OK–let’s say “ought to pay at least part of.” I can’t imagine administering the coup de grace to my uber-frugal DIL’s van door and going on my merry way, especially not if they have three little kids including a new baby. If the in-laws are nice, loving, helpful people and if they have the money, they’ll want to help.

But if they don’t have the money, don’t have your husband ask.

Right. If these were my in-laws and I were in the same position, they’d probably use the broken door as an excuse to get all new tires on the van or something–“congrats on the new baby, sorry about the door, and oh, hey, we noticed the tires were getting a bit old, so would you mind if we replaced them?”

But then, as I’ve said often, I have amazingly awesome in-laws. And I wouldn’t push this to the point of causing any sort of family argument; I’d much rather swallow the cost.

 

[fencersmother]

You know that minivans didn’t have two doors until about 2000, yes? that’s right: just ONE DOOR.

OK, so how about this: your oven door is broken but you have elected not to repair it. Then your neighbor comes over, brings you some wonderful conversation and while you are looking after the baby, pops a dessert into your oven, not knowing your door was already broken. Are you going to ask the good neighbor to pay because you failed to secure the door?

Grandma and Grandpa don’t have to pay for everything just because your husband banged up the van. Stand on your own two feet. Either fix the door and forgo the Friday night pizza (or turn off the cable tv, or take on a neighbor’s baby to watch) until the door is paid for, or secure it, and offer up the inconvenience of schlepping the kids to your brand new minivan.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I suppose it is.

 

[E_7]

I guess it depends on the relationship you have with your in-laws. If they are like my in-laws, I would not ask them. If they were like my parents who don’t really mind to give us a hand nor they ask questions when one is in a pinch, I would ask them. You can also make a deal with them to pay them back in small monthly payments…

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I would not blame father in law for this, but you could certainly ask for help paying for the repair as a charitable act, considering your medical issues and small children. This perhaps depends on your relationship with them and their financial status.

 

[truetofaith]

Because they don’t have the money and they just had a new baby?

Hey that’s what we work for & save a little money for…not cell phones, I-pads & big screen TVs.

The door should have been fixed when it first happened, & paid off, gradually. As someone said, it is now a safety issue.

 

[Xantippe]

Right. If these were my in-laws and I were in the same position, they’d probably use the broken door as an excuse to get all new tires on the van or something–“congrats on the new baby, sorry about the door, and oh, hey, we noticed the tires were getting a bit old, so would you mind if we replaced them?”

But then, as I’ve said often, I have amazingly awesome in-laws. And I wouldn’t push this to the point of causing any sort of family argument; I’d much rather swallow the cost.

My in-laws are very similar.

In fact, I wind up filtering myself to avoid getting stuff or money from them, because they would feel morally obliged to help us if they heard about any need.

 

[Xantippe]

fencersmother and truetofaith,

You don’t seem to be familiar with pensmama87’s posting history.

Here’s a post to get you started:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=13109481&postcount=2

 

[UbiCaritas]

This is put as charitably as I can: I don’t think a number of the recent posters can be familiar with pensmama’s prior posts. If they are, then they’re being deliberately obtuse and nasty.

Pensmama is kind of the frugal living guru on this board. She spends something like $100 per week on groceries for a family of five, cloth diapers, takes care of several kids in addition to her own in order to earn more money, cuts coupons, makes her own laundry detergent, and bargain hunts. I vaguely remember her posting about getting this van, and while I don’t remember the details, I think it’s safe to say that it was not a brand-new minivan–the woman all but breaks out in hives at the mention of taking on debt. The idea that she regularly expects her in-laws to contribute to their family finances, that she’s not fixing the door in order to get a brand-new iPhone, iPad, or big-screen TV, or that she’s somehow living the Suzy Soccermom lifestyle is so ridiculous as to be laughable. The woman started a thread a few months ago agonizing over whether it was okay for she and her husband to have rather less than $100 for discretionary spending every month on the grounds that that would be too much! And “discretionary spending” in their case meant, IIRC, eating out as well.

(I hope this doesn’t come across as stalker-ish, but I really enjoy her finance posts, and have gotten a lot of good ideas from them.)

 

[UbiCaritas]

fencersmother and truetofaith,

You don’t seem to be familiar with pensmama87’s posting history.

Here’s a post to get you started:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=13109481&postcount=2

Great minds work alike.

I repeat: the idea that pensmama is buying a new gadget rather than fixing that door is laughable.

(I do like the idea of getting it fixed ASAP for the safety reasons listed above, for the record, but whatever she’s doing with that money, it ain’t going into an 80-inch TV. )

 

[truetofaith]

fencersmother and truetofaith,

You don’t seem to be familiar with pensmama87’s posting history.

Here’s a post to get you started:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=13109481&postcount=2

Sorry, I didn’t know they were very poor.

 

[Xantippe]

This is put as charitably as I can: I don’t think a number of the recent posters can be familiar with pensmama’s prior posts. If they are, then they’re being deliberately obtuse and nasty.

Pensmama is kind of the frugal living guru on this board. She spends something like $100 per week on groceries for a family of five, cloth diapers, takes care of several kids in addition to her own in order to earn more money, cuts coupons, makes her own laundry detergent, and bargain hunts. I vaguely remember her posting about getting this van, and while I don’t remember the details, I think it’s safe to say that it was not a brand-new minivan–the woman all but breaks out in hives at the mention of taking on debt. The idea that she regularly expects her in-laws to contribute to their family finances, that she’s not fixing the door in order to get a brand-new iPhone, iPad, or big-screen TV, or that she’s somehow living the Suzy Soccermom lifestyle is so ridiculous as to be laughable. The woman started a thread a few months ago agonizing over whether it was okay for she and her husband to have rather less than $100 for discretionary spending every month on the grounds that that would be too much! And “discretionary spending” in their case meant, IIRC, eating out as well.

(I hope this doesn’t come across as stalker-ish, but I really enjoy her finance posts, and have gotten a lot of good ideas from them.)

I believe pensmama87 had to give up the babysitting toward the end of her last pregnancy, but she was running a home daycare up until a few months ago, in addition to all the other stuff UbiCaritas mentioned.

Also, come to think of it, I personally don’t think it’s a great idea to encourage a mom with a small infant to do a lot of babysitting–little babies are very vulnerable to bugs and don’t have all of their shots–an illness that would be a minor annoyance with a larger child can hospitalize an infant. (My middle kid wound up hospitalized overnight for rotavirus dehydration as an older infant.)

 

[pensmama87]

You know that minivans didn’t have two doors until about 2000, yes? that’s right: just ONE DOOR.

OK, so how about this: your oven door is broken but you have elected not to repair it. Then your neighbor comes over, brings you some wonderful conversation and while you are looking after the baby, pops a dessert into your oven, not knowing your door was already broken. Are you going to ask the good neighbor to pay because you failed to secure the door?

Grandma and Grandpa don’t have to pay for everything just because your husband banged up the van. Stand on your own two feet. Either fix the door and forgo the Friday night pizza (or turn off the cable tv, or take on a neighbor’s baby to watch) until the door is paid for, or secure it, and offer up the inconvenience of schlepping the kids to your brand new minivan.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I suppose it is.

I do know that, because of the minivan my family had when growing up. However, carseat regulations were a lot less stringent and my brother and I (the older two kids) were able to buckle ourselves much younger. I have to climb into the back in order to buckle my oldest into his booster seat, because he can’t reach it by himself.

The last time I ordered a pizza was during March Madness when I had a coupon to get it completely free. Unless you’re talking about my $2 Aldi frozen pizzas, in which case, yeah, if I quit buying those I’d have that repair payment yesterday.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry, I didn’t know they were very poor.

Not “very poor,” but very frugal, with a growing family, and paying off large student loans on one income. So when she says they don’t have money for something, I believe they don’t have money for it.

By the way, as a general point (not directed to you personally), I think there’s a nasty Catch-22 on CAF.

Young couples get told, you need to have a baby/another baby STAT!

And then when they follow that advice, they get beat up on when they run into financial issues.

Let’s not do that, OK?

 

[pensmama87]

I believe pensmama87 had to give up the babysitting toward the end of her last pregnancy, but she was running a home daycare up until a few months ago, in addition to all the other stuff UbiCaritas mentioned.

Also, come to think of it, I personally don’t think it’s a great idea to encourage a mom with a small infant to do a lot of babysitting–little babies are very vulnerable to bugs and don’t have all of their shots–an illness that would be a minor annoyance with a larger child can hospitalize an infant. (My middle kid wound up hospitalized overnight for rotavirus dehydration as an older infant.)

True. To give myself and baby some time, I am waiting until the spring even though it is financial hardship for us to do that. Then he’ll have more of his vaccines, we’ll be past flu season, and I will be getting enough sleep (hopefully) to handle the extra kids.

I do require all the kids I watch to be up-to-date on vaccinations.

The Christmas idea is actually a good one. My in-laws have been asking us what we want and I always feel bad asking for practical things but really, anything that makes my life easier is awesome. Considering I’m putting three kids in the car at least ten times a week (preschool + church, arrival and departure), having that door work would be a huuuuuuuuuuge convenience.

 

[bitterhope]

fencersmother and truetofaith,

You don’t seem to be familiar with pensmama87’s posting history.

Here’s a post to get you started:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=13109481&postcount=2

Most are very aware and just think it’s time to own up and make do. That’s what grown ups are supposed to do in life. You either make the best of things or you find your own way to make improvements but to be upset with someone for breaking something already broken or expecting them to fix something already broken is ridiculous. Most people do not have inlaws or parents to bail us out and we still manage to make life work. This is a situation that there are plenty of options. One of them is just managing with one door instead of two. Another is fix it yourself at a fraction of the price. Another is to ask for help. I had only one door so it was a safety issue not having that door working properly for any amount of time, but until recently all vans only had one door and it seems most mamas made do just fine. Even those of us with bad backs and other issues. Somehow you can find many solutions to annoyances or worse if you stand back and observe for a little bit.

Asking for money or expecting help is an epidemic in this world and many if not most family issues are money related. Feelings get hurt when people ask for financial help, particularly if they are begged and pestered over things they “ought” to be doing. It’s not a road a vulnerable new mom in financial hardship should go down because what if life requires assistance with a real need later on and relationships are damaged over the silly annoyance of a van door? There is another door that works just fine. Her husband is the cause of the door problem, not father in law. If I was the inlaws I would be angry if I was blamed for breaking an already broken door, but if I was asked to help because there was a financial need, I would happily do what I could as long as I wasn’t being unfairly pointed at as the cause of the situation.

 

[pensmama87]

fencersmother and truetofaith,

You don’t seem to be familiar with pensmama87’s posting history.

Here’s a post to get you started:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=13109481&postcount=2

This is put as charitably as I can: I don’t think a number of the recent posters can be familiar with pensmama’s prior posts. If they are, then they’re being deliberately obtuse and nasty.

Pensmama is kind of the frugal living guru on this board. She spends something like $100 per week on groceries for a family of five, cloth diapers, takes care of several kids in addition to her own in order to earn more money, cuts coupons, makes her own laundry detergent, and bargain hunts. I vaguely remember her posting about getting this van, and while I don’t remember the details, I think it’s safe to say that it was not a brand-new minivan–the woman all but breaks out in hives at the mention of taking on debt. The idea that she regularly expects her in-laws to contribute to their family finances, that she’s not fixing the door in order to get a brand-new iPhone, iPad, or big-screen TV, or that she’s somehow living the Suzy Soccermom lifestyle is so ridiculous as to be laughable. The woman started a thread a few months ago agonizing over whether it was okay for she and her husband to have rather less than $100 for discretionary spending every month on the grounds that that would be too much! And “discretionary spending” in their case meant, IIRC, eating out as well.

(I hope this doesn’t come across as stalker-ish, but I really enjoy her finance posts, and have gotten a lot of good ideas from them.)

Thanks. :grouphug:

 

[Convert_in_99]

Ok. From someone else in a similar socio-economic position, I still say that it isn’t their responsibility to pay for this. I also have severe and chronic pain issues, pinch all our pennies, couldn’t probably ever afford to repair the car, and while it might very well be the “straw that broke my emotional stress capacity’s back” it still would be our fault and financial responsibility to repair the van.