Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?

[Convert_in_99]

But you could pull up in their driveway with the door wide open, and a child (your oldest of course, don’t be crazy) hanging out the door inches from the ground, but secure (obviously). When you stop, have them drop out of the car onto the driveway in a prone position, then jump up, dust themselves off and calmly walk into the house.

Yeah, that’s what I’d do.

:dts: I don’t even have words for this. I know it was meant as a joke but come on

 

[Convert_in_99]

Yep. I’ve sold pretty much everything except the kitchen sink (well, excepting things that are broken or in such bad condition they deserve the trash.) If we use it, it’s probably going to get used until it needs the trash (after multiple repairs).

Yeah, my husband had to staple his work shoes together, so, yeah, been there done that.

What line of work is your husband in?

 

[pensmama87]

Actually, one positive development on the income front is that DH has been asked to do some on-the-side consulting work, so once that gets going we will able to breathe a bit easier. But it’s not steady work and he hasn’t had his first gig yet.

I promise that we actually work on this and don’t just complain while buying $4 coffee at Starbucks everyday.

It’s only every other day.

(I’m kidding!!!)

 

[pensmama87]

Yeah, my husband had to staple his work shoes together, so, yeah, been there done that.

What line of work is your husband in?

I hesitate to say, because it’s only going to make the comments worse.

(The gubmint.)

Really, without the crushing debt payment every month (it’s more than what I spend on food) we’d be fine, although I did discover lately we’re just above what’s officially considered “low-income” in our area for a family of five, thanks to a school census. When I was babysitting I could throw a bunch at the debt every month, and I didn’t even charge what I could have (I’m upping my rate in the spring, still competitive, but not desperate.) But without that babysitting income, it’s really hard. Not impossible, and I love my children and thank God for them everyday. But very, very hard.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m so sorry about this situation for you.

Could your DH call up his parents and say something like this?

“Hey Mom and Dad, you know how you guys always want ideas for Christmas presents for pensmama and me? We’re having an issue with the van where the door is not working properly and pensmama is having a hard time getting the kids in an out and has really wrenched her back and is having a hard time managing the kids. I’d love to surprise her and be able to get this repaired for her soon…would you all be opposed to this being our Christmas gift this year? Would you be opposed to me going ahead and arranging for the repair in the next couple of weeks?”

It sounds as if your generous in-laws would be very concerned about your back, the kiddos, etc., that they’d be thrilled to be able to do something nice for you and that it’s something you actually NEED and not some ugly sweater that ends up in the top of the closet and never worn.

That’s how I’d be with my kids anyway once they are grown

Yes!

 

[Xantippe]

Your oldest child is not yet 5 and is in school? Surely you are paying for this. Drop the school and invite a friend over to play twice a week. Now if your child is in school (as you’ve said) find a nice new mommy and one day a week you pack up the kids after taking dad to work, and have a Mom’s morning at her house, with coffee and cakes. next week, she comes with her kids to your house.

As for the necessity of having a car - it’s amazing the things you can do without. I did without a washer or dryer or even a stove for a year. And horrors! Lived in a house without central heat! And even worse! No air conditioning (in western Nebraska!).

I’m going to have to bow out of this discussion since I’m so obviously not on the same wavelength. But I do pray you get your van fixed and you get back to where you want to be soon.

Peace out

You’re really lucky you didn’t have CPS knocking on your door.

 

[Xantippe]

Most families have one decent vehicle (and we are not walking distance to anything).

I was just looking this up and at least as of 2008, the average US household has 2.28 cars.

“According to a February study by Experian Automotive, which specializes in collecting and analyzing automotive data, Americans own an average of 2.28 vehicles per household, and more than 35 percent of households own three or more cars.”

nytimes.com/2008/07/27/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/27Ronecar.html?_r=0

 

[Xantippe]

Yay!

I’m sure you guys have thought about this, but just for my peace of mind, are there any possible conflict of interest issues?

Actually, one positive development on the income front is that DH has been asked to do some on-the-side consulting work, so once that gets going we will able to breathe a bit easier. But it’s not steady work and he hasn’t had his first gig yet.

I promise that we actually work on this and don’t just complain while buying $4 coffee at Starbucks everyday.

It’s only every other day.

(I’m kidding!!!)

 

[pensmama87]

Yay!

I’m sure you guys have thought about this, but just for my peace of mind, are there any possible conflict of interest issues?

Nope!

 

[Xantippe]

Nope!

Hallelujah!

Well, that is excellent.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

I haven’t read the whole thread.

Just this week my mom (she’s in her seventies, a widow and on a very fixed income) needed two emergency household repairs. One was her kitchen sink.

I covered one repair, my sister covered the other.

She didn’t ask us to, but we know she couldn’t afford it.

If my dad were still alive, and I was in the same scenario as you, I’m sure he’d come by and ask to borrow the car, and then go off to get it fixed. He’d done things like that for me before. My rear light had gone out. He took my car and had it repaired.

Maybe ask them, “Our minivan door is broken and we cannot use it, loading the kids up is hard on my back. We can’t really afford it right now, and I’m not sure we’d be able to repay you.”

What could it hurt? The worst that can happen is that they say no.

 

[12345678]

That’s not right. You know, lots of people have been in situations that make perspectives different and have tons of insight that could be helpful to others if people took the time to consider it instead of automatically dismissing those ideas because they are unconventional. Some posters here seem to have a huge chip on their shoulders and play the offended party no matter what is said unless it corresponds to their preconceived notion of how things should be. Hand holding and coddling are not ways to help people grow. Life isn’t always pretty and sometimes you need to be unconventional. Life is full of choices. Some we do the best we can and deal with the consequences. There are many times I feel like I live in a different universe than the rest of you all do because in my world, a van with a broken door wouldn’t even be considered an issue. Most families have one decent vehicle (and we are not walking distance to anything). The thought of losing a side door as being a fast track to depression makes no sense to me. I truly can’t figure out why so many people are finding this to be such a hardship. Preschool does cost money–tuition and gas–unless it is a free program. Free programs offer bus service. Either way, stopping transport to/from school will save at least gas money so there is spare money if you want to get technical about it. I don’t think it needs to happen, but the points made are legitimate and should be offered for consideration. There are choices being made that might need reconsideration if the family is in such a bad spot financially. Many, many, many people deal with this stuff and far worse without crumbling. It is wise to take their experiences into consideration instead of constantly viewing them as uncharitable.

Agreed. I was staying quiet, but having to climb in to buckle a kid because one of two doors doesn’t work doesn’t sound like a great emergency to me, although I do understand the bad back and all. Maybe try opening the trunk and doing it from there? I, too, thought dropping preschool could be something to ponder as well… less trips in the mini-van AND save on gas money if nothing else. I am only commenting here because of how fencer(name removed by moderator) is being treated. She didn’t say her own family didn’t have any heat at all, just not centralized. Also, a stove isn’t the only way to cook. The whole CPS subject some people are bringing up really irks me!

I think Pensmama got the point, most (or a lot, or several) of us think grandpa is not responsible for paying the damages. We don’t need to dissect her economic status either. OP, address the issue however you see fit, but the advice is to not operate under the assumption that FIL owes you anything. Try to DIY if you think you can, ask for a loan if that suits you, save up money somehow to do it, somehow mention it when asked for gift ideas, I think people on here have given lots of ideas. I personally would not ask for the complete repair as a gift, but maybe help with it and maybe they will offer the complete repair if they can and are willing. However you choose to do it, just don’t assume your inlaws have any responsibility.

 

[pensmama87]

Admittedly, the catalyst was the pain from my back, but there are safety concerns as well. I get nervous about setting the bucket seat down in a non secure place so I can reach my other two, which wouldn’t otherwise happen. And in an accident, we could be in a real bad situation as far as access.

But would I have started the thread if I could breathe without it hurting? Probably not. I can admit that.

 

[pianistclare]

Admittedly, the catalyst was the pain from my back, but there are safety concerns as well. I get nervous about setting the bucket seat down in a non secure place so I can reach my other two, which wouldn’t otherwise happen. And in an accident, we could be in a real bad situation as far as access.

But would I have started the thread if I could breathe without it hurting? Probably not. I can admit that.

Maybe you could start a crowd funding thing.
If the in-laws find it embarrassing they might just pay to fix it.
Either way, you’ll get it fixed.

 

[bitterhope]

You’re really lucky you didn’t have CPS knocking on your door.

What purpose does that post serve except to shame someone?

Look, I grew up with CPS all over my house. My parents were foster parents. That is NOT how CPS works and children are not removed for anything in her posts. Things have to be really bad for kids to be removed and never due to financial problems. It’s rude on do many levels to throw things like that out there.

And about the census data for vehicles, like I said I must have always lived my life in an alternate universe because very few of the things posted here are anything like I’ve experienced anywhere I have lived. And yes, we do move a lot.

 

[MomaMary8]

Admittedly, the catalyst was the pain from my back, but there are safety concerns as well. I get nervous about setting the bucket seat down in a non secure place so I can reach my other two, which wouldn’t otherwise happen. And in an accident, we could be in a real bad situation as far as access.

But would I have started the thread if I could breathe without it hurting? Probably not. I can admit that.

If you are in a bad car accident, a broken door handle may be the least of your worries.

This boils down to the fact that you and your DH let a repair go for a year. Lesson learned. Perhaps FIL did not offer to pay for fixing it to teach his son a lesson on responsibility? I know you’ve posted concerns about your DH before. I may be off base, but that was my first thought. My second was, like father like son, neither care about repairs? Again, my initial impression, hope I’m not offending.

As for Bitters and Fencer…they have a valid perspective. We went a time with one care. Next came one decent car and a junker. I appreciate my van with doors that work, but it took 20+ years to get to this point.

Since your back is your catalyst for complaint, what are you doing to address that issue?

 

[pensmama87]

Since your back is your catalyst for complaint, what are you doing to address that issue?

OTC pain relief, heat packs, sleeping sitting up (lying on a bed is really awful), and rest to the extent possible. Time should heal it within a week or two.

 

[PhiloMed]

For the record, we had all our children with no health insurance (including pre-mature twins, and a child who died at four months) - and our entire married lives have had only one wage earner. We would have repaired the van and sold it, forgoing a car if necessary (we didn’t have a second car till we were married 18 years, and the car we owned had well over 100K on it when we bought it).

My husband is in a field which has been in depression, not recession, since 2007, and we are living on the same income we had in 1986. Our belts are already tightened, and in our last storm, our roof blew off and is leaking. My BIL went up on it with my husband to assess damage and in a soft spot, where the damage was, his foot went through, causing more damage. We would never have asked him to pay for it.

Pensmama - been in your shoes and it is often not much fun. May I suggest you check out at your local library The Tightwad Gazette, written by a woman with six children, one income. There were three or four years of this little gem, published oh 20 years ago or so, with tons of ideas about how to really save some money, even when/where you don’t think you can. The year our income was less than $10K, we were able to have presents on birthdays, and food on the table for every meal - and we were happy!

Ok, enough. You hear that? It’s the world’s tiniest violins playing Cry Me a River.

Why is it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME someone posts here with any kind of problem there is inevitably someone who feels the need to come back with absolutely no practical advice but finds the time to respond with “Well, you think you had it bad? Let me tell you about how I had 92 children in less than 8 years and we managed just fine on less than $5 a day. Sally Struthers did commercials for us, but we made do and are just the closest hap-hap-happiest family this side of the Tiber.”

Not everyone has the same type of lifestyle. Not everyone has the same relationship with their in-laws. This question isn’t really about a FIL breaking or not breaking a car door. It’s about a family with XYZ need. The question is if it is ok to ask one’s in-laws for money for XYZ. The car door information is just background to differentiate it from other needs like a kidney, a television repair, or a new pair of Jimmy Choos. The answer is that it depends on one’s relationship with their in-laws.

And as a side note, I think Pennsmamma could write a column for The Tightwad Gazette.

 

[Xantippe]

What purpose does that post serve except to shame someone?

Look, I grew up with CPS all over my house. My parents were foster parents. That is NOT how CPS works and children are not removed for anything in her posts. Things have to be really bad for kids to be removed and never due to financial problems. It’s rude on do many levels to throw things like that out there.

And about the census data for vehicles, like I said I must have always lived my life in an alternate universe because very few of the things posted here are anything like I’ve experienced anywhere I have lived. And yes, we do move a lot.

It’s not shaming–I am just pointing out to any readers that are thinking of doing the same thing that some of this extreme frugality stuff could get them reported and investigated. I’m not saying that children would be removed (as you say, that’s an uncommon measure) but anybody could be investigated, and doing that extreme stuff greatly raises the probability that a concerned acquaintance, neighbor or family member will drop a dime.

A large family with no washer or dryer where the mom can’t drive to the laundromat because dad has the car all day has the potential for some really horrific sanitation problems. We’re finishing up with a tummy bug at our house right now and yesterday I had our washer and dryer running from dawn to dusk and it was barely enough. Without adequate laundry facilities, there’s no way we could have cleared all those vomit flecked items and it’s likely that instead of just two sick children all of us would have gone down.

(People may ask, what about the good old days? I’d say two things: 1) richer people had laundry help 2) poorer people put up with filth that we would find unimaginable and their babies died like flies.)

With regard to cars, let’s do a little alternate math.

latimes.com/business/autos/la-fi-hy-ihs-automotive-average-age-car-20140609-story.html

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_the_United_States

quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html

There are 253 million cars in the US. Also, there are 322 million men, women and children in the US and about 116 million households in the US.

That means that yes, there are on average slightly over two cars per US household.

 

[on_the_hill]

Maybe you could ask them to contribute, but not in a you-broke-it-you-bought-it fashion; just something like, “Money is extra tight, and we’re finding it hard to deal with this unexpected expense; would you be able to help?”