Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?

[truetofaith]

Well, the OP may have gotten the impression that you had no compassion for her when you said that she must be avoiding fixing the door in order to buy, and I quote, “cell phones, I-pads & big screen TVs,” rather than assuming the best of her, which is true–i.e., that finances are sufficiently tight that she’s not using toilet paper, much less buying big-ticket luxury items. At the same time, you implied that she doesn’t work (“that’s what we work and save money for.”) or save money, when actually, until she was really late in pregnancy she was caring for numerous kids in her house in order to earn more money while being a SAHM and does all the money-saving stuff I enumerated in the earlier post.

When a number of us called you and others on that attitude, the general turn of the conversation became simultaneously to attack her for wanting the luxury item of a second minivan door and to attack her for not fixing such an urgent safety issue ASAP–never mind that it did work until a few weeks ago, and as the OP pointed out, once it stopped actually working it became a rather higher priority. It’s only been broken like this for a few weeks, and was working acceptably until that point. If you’ve ever had kids yourself (I have no idea if you’re married, male, or female–this is not a snarky comment), you may be aware that the first few postpartum weeks (and the OP is only a couple of weeks PP) are both intense and busy, to say the least. Repairs for things that aren’t going to actively catch fire or explode go rather further down the list than trying to get what little sleep you can, recovering from labor, and figuring out breastfeeding all over again with a new person while chasing a toddler and preschooler.

She asked a reasonable question, and agreed with the majority of the responses–i.e., that she shouldn’t ask. What she objected to was being attacked on all fronts: don’t have kids unless you can afford every penny of every expense that comes up immediately, but have as many kids as you possibly can; this is an urgent safety issue and she’s a neglectful parent for not fixing it, but she’s also a Suzy Soccermom driving a “brand-new” (no, it isn’t) minivan for which she should be grateful, and she must not be grateful if she’s wanting the second door, which is obviously nothing but a gross capitalistic luxury, fixed; she must be spending money on big-ticket items while spending the family’s money freely to maintain her upscale lifestyle, but she should give up the job that brings in extra money because a second car itself, much less central heat in her house, is a luxury for which she should be ashamed.

And people wonder why moms are more prone to postpartum depression than they were in the past, or why they don’t feel supported by the church, or why women are less interested in having big families now than they were. Shockingly, when, as a mom, you’re attacked at every turn no matter what you do by the very people who are supposed to support you, you feel less and less like putting yourself in a situation in which you know you’re going to get jumped over and over and over again.

I already apologized for the I-pad post. It’s over!

My one word answer to …“Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?”
YES !

 

[maryjk]

Well, the OP may have gotten the impression that you had no compassion for her when you said that she must be avoiding fixing the door in order to buy, and I quote, “cell phones, I-pads & big screen TVs,” rather than assuming the best of her, which is true–i.e., that finances are sufficiently tight that she’s not using toilet paper, much less buying big-ticket luxury items. At the same time, you implied that she doesn’t work (“that’s what we work and save money for.”) or save money, when actually, until she was really late in pregnancy she was caring for numerous kids in her house in order to earn more money while being a SAHM and does all the money-saving stuff I enumerated in the earlier post.

Sorry, I didn’t know they were very poor.

UbiCariras, maybe you missed truetofaith’s post.

Or is there another reason you are continuing to beat on her for it?

 

[maryjk]

Probably because it was an inconvenience until it became a safety issue. Needing to hit a button on the driver’s door to open a back door is rather more an inconvenience than not being able to open the door at all, which is how it’s been for only a few weeks.

Um, that sounds all well and good.

The problem is, the thread didn’t start until after the FIL finished off the door.

So the situation is the same today as it was yesterday.

The door didn’t suddenly become a safety issue between the start of the thread and the end of the thread.

 

[pensmama87]

Um, that sounds all well and good.

The problem is, the thread didn’t start until after the FIL finished off the door.

So the situation is the same today as it was yesterday.

The door didn’t suddenly become a safety issue between the start of the thread and the end of the thread.

And I believe I admitted that being in pain moved it up as a priority even further earlier in the thread, as well, so I’m not sure why we are still talking about it.

 

[maryjk]

And I believe I admitted that being in pain moved it up as a priority even further earlier in the thread, as well, so I’m not sure why we are still talking about it.

Because a few of us are being called out simply because we don’t agree with the majority.

I’m not calling you lazy. I’m not saying that you waste money. None of that.

I *am *saying that you didn’t see it as a safety issue yesterday morning. So I am not sure that you see it that way now.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Probably because it was an inconvenience until it became a safety issue. Needing to hit a button on the driver’s door to open a back door is rather more an inconvenience than not being able to open the door at all, which is how it’s been for only a few weeks.

Well not saying that it’s much of an issue but it’s the same safety issue as before. If you’re in an accident you shouldn’t depend on an automatic door still working, you have to be able to manually open the door.

If it were me I would borrow the money and start a side hustle for the cash to pay it back. With winter coming up you might try to hustle some tree trimming jobs. With football season in full swing you might could buy some stencils and offer to paint some curbs for people. Drop an envelope with the designs available and if they want the job they drop in a 20 with the design they want painted. Do something strictly for cash.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Well not saying that it’s much of an issue but it’s the same safety issue as before. If you’re in an accident you shouldn’t depend on an automatic door still working, you have to be able to manually open the door.

If it were me I would borrow the money and start a side hustle for the cash to pay it back. With winter coming up you might try to hustle some tree trimming jobs. With football season in full swing you might could buy some stencils and offer to paint some curbs for people. Drop an envelope with the designs available and if they want the job they drop in a 20 with the design they want painted. Do something strictly for cash.

How is a newly-postpartum woman with an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler, not to mention a bad back, supposed to be doing tree trimming?

Though the OP does babywear…I have a sudden and rather hilarious vision of a mom with a baby in a wrap on her chest hanging off a tree by a rope while using a chainsaw on outlying limbs… “Babywearing lets you keep your hands free to do all those pesky chores you can’t do with one hand!”

She might even get some sort of endorsement deal from Moby!

 

[pensmama87]

Because a few of us are being called out simply because we don’t agree with the majority.

I’m not calling you lazy. I’m not saying that you waste money. None of that.

I *am *saying that you didn’t see it as a safety issue yesterday morning. So I am not sure that you see it that way now.

I did, but it wasn’t a primary motivator, true (and I said that earlier in the thread, as well, that I had thought of safety concerns like being able to exit the vehicle quickly.) However, some of the comments from other posters and having the time to reflect on it more yesterday (a 100+ thread in one day can keep something at the front of your mind) have moved it up more.

(Oh my goodness, someone actually thought and reflected on something posted on CAF. Cah-razy!)

Honestly, the OP started out as an etiquette question - who bears responsibility. I admitted what got me thinking about it. And got a lot of unrelated flak.

You could always just ask, too, you know.

 

[maryjk]

How is a newly-postpartum woman with an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler, not to mention a bad back, supposed to be doing tree trimming?

Though the OP does babywear…I have a sudden and rather hilarious vision of a mom with a baby in a wrap on her chest hanging off a tree by a rope while using a chainsaw on outlying limbs… “Babywearing lets you keep your hands free to do all those pesky chores you can’t do with one hand!”

She might even get some sort of endorsement deal from Moby!

Really???

 

[Burt_Macklin]

How is a newly-postpartum woman with an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler, not to mention a bad back, supposed to be doing tree trimming?

Though the OP does babywear…I have a sudden and rather hilarious vision of a mom with a baby in a wrap on her chest hanging off a tree by a rope while using a chainsaw on outlying limbs… “Babywearing lets you keep your hands free to do all those pesky chores you can’t do with one hand!”

She might even get some sort of endorsement deal from Moby!

Husband and wife are a team so she’d be the supervisor obviously.

The responsibility to find how to pay for it falls on her husband.

 

[pensmama87]

How is a newly-postpartum woman with an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler, not to mention a bad back, supposed to be doing tree trimming?

Though the OP does babywear…I have a sudden and rather hilarious vision of a mom with a baby in a wrap on her chest hanging off a tree by a rope while using a chainsaw on outlying limbs… “Babywearing lets you keep your hands free to do all those pesky chores you can’t do with one hand!”

She might even get some sort of endorsement deal from Moby!

You know, my back is feeling a lot better today…

 

[UbiCaritas]

Really???

…did the fact that I was describing a newly postpartum mom with a bad back hanging from a rope from a tree while babywearing and wielding a chainsaw need a sarcasm tag?

Here ya go.

/sarcasm

Thus, also, the grinning smiley after the suggestion. Hey, I thought it was lightheartedly funny…

 

[UbiCaritas]

You know, my back is feeling a lot better today…

See? Send the preschooler off to school, put the baby in a wrap and the toddler on your back in an Ergo-ish carrier, and you’re good to go!

 

[pensmama87]

Husband and wife are a team so she’d be the supervisor obviously.

The responsibility to find how to pay for it falls on her husband.

My husband and I both did some tree trimming in our yard earlier this summer (when in-laws were available to babysit.)

Judging from the results, I have to say nobody’s likely to pay us to do it. (The results are functionally what we wanted, but not cosmetically great.)

 

[MomaMary8]

Can I be the adult in the “room” and tell you all to sit down and be quiet. “Take hostages,” really? A bit over the top, no?

Some are abrasive in their wording. That’s common in life.

Many are defensive.

Spiritual work of Mercy…Bear wrongs patiently…anyone remember this one?.. If not, go study your catechism.

Let’s go and find a kid to hug…

 

[PhiloMed]

Can I be the adult in the “room” and tell you all to sit down and be quiet. “Take hostages,” really? A bit over the top, no?

Some are abrasive in their wording. That’s common in life.

Many are defensive.

Spiritual work of Mercy…Bear wrongs patiently…anyone remember this one?.. If not, go study your catechism.

Let’s go and find a kid to hug…

It’s called sarcasm and hyperbole. Some find it funny. I find it hilarious. It’s my “thing”. Others are…well…different.

 

[maryjk]

It’s called sarcasm and hyperbole. Some find it funny. I find it hilarious. It’s my “thing”. Others are…well…different.

And still others also find it hilarious, but not from someone that has been on the attack.

 

[KnitNut]

Far be it from me to get in the middle of this Catholic circular firing squad death-match thingie y’all have goin’ on down range here…but I do want to put forth a new facet for discussion: The Emergency Fund.

(I’m not saying the OP has one, doesn’t have one, wants one, loathes one…I’m just saying that it’s really important, especially if you are that close to the edge.)

Would this type of repair fall under “Emergency Fund” utilization, or is it not that much of a priority?

scurries back behind the firing line

 

[MomaMary8]

It’s called sarcasm and hyperbole. Some find it funny. I find it hilarious. It’s my “thing”. Others are…well…different.

And still others also find it hilarious, but not from someone that has been on the attack.

Does this thlook like friendly banter? Adults usually know when to pull a punch and cut out the sarcasm. Let’s be adults.

 

[EasterJoy]

My one word answer to …“Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?”

 YES !

I’d say that if the couple has no current way to pay for the necessary repair, it is OK to ask. I would be very clear that I wasn’t blaming them, that a pre-existing condition with the door decided to let loose on them, but that the door needs fixing and we could use some help on the cash flow to get it done sooner rather than later.

If it were the FIL’s fault, I would still not make any accusations or try to demand money from him. The relationship is worth too much to muck it up over a car repair. If I had the money to pass it over and get it fixed without his help, I’d just do that. The man raised your husband, you can spot him a car door. This was an accident, not vandalism, and Heaven only knows how much stuff your husband destroyed in the innocence of being a child, after all. As it is, though, unless the precariousness of the door’s original condition and the way to work the door without making the problem worse was clearly explained to the FIL before he forced it, I would hold him innocent concerning the damage.