Should we ask them to use separate bedrooms?

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Petergee

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My wife and I are renting a holiday house for a week and have invited other members of the family to join us. Our adult son is living with his girlfriend and they have accepted the offer. Should we tell them they have to sleep in separate rooms, just as we would if they were spending the night at our own house? We are afraid that if we do this, his girlfriend will say that we are not making her welcome, and so turn our son against us.

Or should we say that they are sub-letting a room of the house from us, and what they do in it is up to them?
 
I would insist on separate rooms. My son’s not dating at the moment but this topic came up in a very long-winded discussion we had about Catholic views on dating, relationships, etc. He got the whole idea that, while living under our roof, we’d never allow him to have a girl spend the night. He then asked how we’d handle it if he moved in with a girl and they both stayed over for whatever reason. When I told him they’d have to stay in separate rooms he instantly jumped to the vacation example. He figured that since it would potentially cost more to ensure they weren’t sleeping in the same bed, I’d balk at taking the moral high ground. I told him that if they weren’t married I wouldn’t condone or allow them to share a bed while staying with us, period.
 
Petergee said:
My wife and I are renting a holiday house for a week and have invited other members of the family to join us. Our adult son is living with his girlfriend and they have accepted the offer. Should we tell them they have to sleep in separate rooms, just as we would if they were spending the night at our own house? We are afraid that if we do this, his girlfriend will say that we are not making her welcome, and so turn our son against us.

Or should we say that they are sub-letting a room of the house from us, and what they do in it is up to them?
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Whatever you decide to do, you need to let them know before they arrive, out of courtesy.

When you do, explain how you feel about it, and say why.
 
Yes, definitely separate bedrooms. If you allow them to share one now, they may expect you to allow that if they come to visit your home (and if you don’t, they could always use the, “Well, you didn’t have a problem with it when…”). Best of luck!
 
If there are going to be children or teenagers staying in the house as well, then I personally would *insist *upon separate bedrooms. If there are only adults there, 🤷.

Either way, it is you who is renting the house, and your son and his girlfriend will be guests. Therefore, they hopefully will be mature enough to respect your wishes without you having to justify them. I can’t honestly see why in the world the girlfriend would feel “unwelcome” at being placed in a separate room - it’s not like everyone except her is sharing one bed, right?:confused: It’s also not as though she wouldn’t be included at the dinner table, day trips/outings, sitting in front of the TV, etc.

IMHO, it would be very self-centered and defensive to get offended over something such as this.
 
Your house (even if it’s rented for a few days), your rules. If your son’s girlfriend doesn’t respect you enough to follow your wishes, then she should not come.
 
Petergee said:
My wife and I are renting a holiday house for a week and have invited other members of the family to join us. Our adult son is living with his girlfriend and they have accepted the offer. Should we tell them they have to sleep in separate rooms, just as we would if they were spending the night at our own house? We are afraid that if we do this, his girlfriend will say that we are not making her welcome, and so turn our son against us.

Or should we say that they are sub-letting a room of the house from us, and what they do in it is up to them?
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Do not trade virtue for human respect.If you’re practising Catholics?Then,practise it.To defy God,to please a girl for little things will soon become free-flowing,and a pattern will soon become second nature:God second,just not to hurt someone’s feelings.This will go right up until your dying bed - "I won’t call a priest for confession in case his presence upsets or even offends some of those in the room.I’ll wait until they’re gone,then call him?"Before you get a chance to,you pass in to eternity without the sacraments;no confession,no last rites,blessing…nothing!For what?Out of respect for those and their feelings?Put God first.Pray for moral courage.

God bless,

JMJ
 
Are they paying for their portion of the rental house or are you covering it for everyone?
 
Making a person feel welcome has to do with your behavior towards the person.

Will you make her not feel welcome by all the rest of your actions and conversations? Will it be made clear she is a 3rd wheel. It’s her corrupting your mindless son? She’s only there because your son is an idiot. Making her feel welcome really doesn’t have to do with sleeping arrangements.

Short of a really messed up woman, many women are not too keen on having sex in the room next to their boyfriends parents. Should she say anything to you, tell her you believe her son owes her the respect of marriage in order to share her bed. You’re not thrilled in his decision to not make a commitment to a woman before he plays house. Put it on him, not her. If you have to. And that in your house, he will act respectfully towards women of the opposite sex.

And then tell her you’re so glad she could come and you can’t wait to do xyz with her.
 
faithfully said:
Making a person feel welcome has to do with your behavior towards the person.

Will you make her not feel welcome by all the rest of your actions and conversations? Will it be made clear she is a 3rd wheel. It’s her corrupting your mindless son? She’s only there because your son is an idiot. Making her feel welcome really doesn’t have to do with sleeping arrangements.

Short of a really messed up woman, many women are not too keen on having sex in the room next to their boyfriends parents. Should she say anything to you, tell her you believe her son owes her the respect of marriage in order to share her bed. You’re not thrilled in his decision to not make a commitment to a woman before he plays house. Put it on him, not her. If you have to. And that in your house, he will act respectfully towards women of the opposite sex.

And then tell her you’re so glad she could come and you can’t wait to do xyz with her.
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I really can’t recommend this. If anyone, even FH’s parents spoke about him and his respect for me in that manner I could not stay politely quiet. I would tell them exactly what I thought and FH and I would leave. (He would flip too once I told him what was said.) I don’t tolerate people saying negative things like that about him to me, especially things that I would so strongly disagree with.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I really can’t recommend this. If anyone, even FH’s parents spoke about him and his respect for me in that manner I could not stay politely quiet. I would tell them exactly what I thought and FH and I would leave. (He would flip too once I told him what was said.) I don’t tolerate people saying negative things like that about him to me, especially things that I would so strongly disagree with.
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Well, you might flip.It may be too aggressive. But the reality, is you likely already know the rules if they exist. So why try to enforce your “grown up” decisions under their roof. If you require an explanation, except the fact that it’s not just because they don’t like you. they’d have the same rule for any woman. Because until he makes you his wife, you are any woman. I realize in your personal case you’re engaged. The OP does not mention fiancee, they say “girlfriend”. He could easily be shacked up with someone different next week. Since he may not even have moved forward with an engagement. No parent is excited about their child actively sinning. Let alone looking for ways to help them do so. They think it’s sinful. Which, well, is negative. Do you need to hear that spoken to be offended?

Perhaps, all that needs to be said is we don’t believe in cohabitation before actual marriage. What you do on your own time is your usage of free will. We can not however, consent under our roof.

Your point above with regard to payment is valid. If the son and girlfriend are paying, they they make the adult decision as to what they will pay for.

Regardless, my main point was: A person is generally made to feel welcome by the way you treat them. And this really doesn’t have to do with sleeping arrangements. I speak from major experience here.
 
faithfully said:
Well, you might flip.It may be too aggressive. But the reality, is you likely already know the rules if they exist. So why try to enforce your “grown up” decisions under their roof. If you require an explanation, except the fact that it’s not just because they don’t like you. they’d have the same rule for any woman. Because until he makes you his wife, you are any woman. I realize in your personal case you’re engaged. The OP does not mention fiancee, they say “girlfriend”. He could easily be shacked up with someone different next week. Since he may not even have moved forward with an engagement. No parent is excited about their child actively sinning. Let alone looking for ways to help them do so. They think it’s sinful. Which, well, is negative. Do you need to hear that spoken to be offended?

Perhaps, all that needs to be said is we don’t believe in cohabitation before actual marriage. What you do on your own time is your usage of free will. We can not however, consent under our roof.

Your point above with regard to payment is valid. If the son and girlfriend are paying, they they make the adult decision as to what they will pay for.

Regardless, my main point was: A person is generally made to feel welcome by the way you treat them. And this really doesn’t have to do with sleeping arrangements. I speak from major experience here.
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I think a better explanation would be “I feel that I would be sinning if I enabled an unmarried couple to share a room”. The couple may be receptive to that.

But if his family told me that he doesn’t respect me, that I was just any woman and that he could easily live with someone else in the near future, and that he is not committed that would show me exactly what they thought of their son and his character and I would leave. I can imagine any man would be livid at his parents for talking about him like that to his girlfriend too. If they were to get married or even just live together long term and have a family, that could irreparably harm the relationship they have with their son.

But in the end there’s always the chance that they will be insulted and pull away from the family anyway. If they’re to the point where they consider each other to be the closest family they have they very well may push anyone away who tries to tell them they’re not.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I think a better explanation would be “I feel that I would be sinning if I enabled an unmarried couple to share a room”. The couple may be receptive to that.

But if his family told me that he doesn’t respect me, that I was just any woman and that he could easily live with someone else in the near future, and that he is not committed that would show me exactly what they thought of their son and his character and I would leave. I can imagine any man would be livid at his parents for talking about him like that to his girlfriend too. If they were to get married or even just live together long term and have a family, that could irreparably harm the relationship they have with their son.

But in the end there’s always the chance that they will be insulted and pull away from the family anyway. If they’re to the point where they consider each other to be the closest family they have they very well may push anyone away who tries to tell them they’re not.
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But in your case for example, as an atheist, you don’t believe in Sin. So the parents are just throwing this pretend thing in your face and judging you. Which is what the OP is most likely afraid of. That they are afraid this girl with think they are being judgmental and critical. When in reality they are saying, “there is this law that we abide by in our house. It’s not for us to change. Whether you agree with the law or not.”

When you visit a foreign country you must abide by their laws.

My question to you however is… do they have to say it for you to be offended. When in reality, if parents actively raise their child that cohabiting with another is disrespecting themselves and another and damaging to their soul and risking eternity. They believe this without saying. No on has to be mean and actually say it. But, let’s say, if the son KNOWS what his parents think , whether rightly or wrongly in your opinion, does it take them actually saying it to be offended and push away.

If they say like you suggest. It’s sinning… doesn’t that mean he doesn’t respect you. That he brings you into this sin, and the’s ok with you sinning? Which is certainly not respectful of you or caring for that matter.

Go ahead an assume the relationship with the parents is otherwise healthy. How do you feel, knowing your husband KNOWS his parents THINK he’s not really respectful of you or himself by cohabitating. Do you feel good knowing that he shoves this in their face? Do you feel good that, in their eyes, he does not treat you with respect regardless of how you feel about your relationship, they actually think he doesn’t think you’re worthy, because in their mind, he would see to it that you were treated with the utmost respect which would involve a full commitment of marrying you before having sex with you. And that you wouldn’t redefine respect so that your lifestyle fits it?

I’m not saying live for others. It’s just something I’m thinking about. I certainly am no saint. Just processing from the outside looking in.

There are def. better ways of delivering the message than what I first suggested. I was just thinking “out loud”. A person obviously has to assess their own personal situation and all the personalities involved. Sounds like the OP doesn’t even know the girlfriend. But I have a hard time believing their adult son is unaware of their belief structure. And either he’s a bit daft and thinks he can bull doze them, or it’s really a non issue. They may just mention the arrangements in passing and leave it at that.
 
faithfully said:
But in your case for example, as an atheist, you don’t believe in Sin. So the parents are just throwing this pretend thing in your face and judging you. Which is what the OP is most likely afraid of. That they are afraid this girl with think they are being judgmental and critical. When in reality they are saying, “there is this law that we abide by in our house. It’s not for us to change. Whether you agree with the law or not.”

When you visit a foreign country you must abide by their laws.

My question to you however is… do they have to say it for you to be offended. When in reality, if parents actively raise their child that cohabiting with another is disrespecting themselves and another and damaging to their soul and risking eternity. They believe this without saying. No on has to be mean and actually say it. But, let’s say, if the son KNOWS what his parents think , whether rightly or wrongly in your opinion, does it take them actually saying it to be offended and push away.

If they say like you suggest. It’s sinning… doesn’t that mean he doesn’t respect you. That he brings you into this sin, and the’s ok with you sinning? Which is certainly not respectful of you or caring for that matter.

Go ahead an assume the relationship with the parents is otherwise healthy. How do you feel, knowing your husband KNOWS his parents THINK he’s not really respectful of you or himself by cohabitating. Do you feel good knowing that he shoves this in their face? Do you feel good that, in their eyes, he does not treat you with respect regardless of how you feel about your relationship, they actually think he doesn’t think you’re worthy, because in their mind, he would see to it that you were treated with the utmost respect which would involve a full commitment of marrying you before having sex with you. And that you wouldn’t redefine respect so that your lifestyle fits it?

I’m not saying live for others. It’s just something I’m thinking about. I certainly am no saint. Just processing from the outside looking in.

There are def. better ways of delivering the message than what I first suggested. I was just thinking “out loud”. A person obviously has to assess their own personal situation and all the personalities involved. Sounds like the OP doesn’t even know the girlfriend. But I have a hard time believing their adult son is unaware of their belief structure. And either he’s a bit daft and thinks he can bull doze them, or it’s really a non issue. They may just mention the arrangements in passing and leave it at that.
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In my case we all acted like adults and kept the communication open. They also have a lot of respect for and faith in the son they raised and I think that they would be dumbfounded if someone suggested that he didn’t respect me.

If their lessons on marriage and sexual morality had stuck then you may have a point. But because neither of us see the importance of legal marriage as long as a lifelong commitment is there its different. If they knew that he thought that he’d be giving me more of himself by making it legal they’d think that. But they’ve watched us over the years, they’ve seen how we stand by each other, and they respect our commitment.

But like I said, we all kept talking. We used to sleep apart in their house. Then we started getting hotels. A few weeks ago we were all over at their house for dinner and we explained that in light of the life we’ve built together we don’t tolerate not being treated like a married couple. Since like I said we’re all grown ups they understood our perspective and why we had reached that agreement, and they didn’t have to say anything about their house, we will still be getting a hotel. (We will even after we’re married though, far more comfortable and private.)

We all respect the other’s perspective and relationships. All it takes is maturity, communication, and patience.
 
Part of being mature is accepting the consequences of your decisions. If you don’t want to be married, that’s your adult choice, but why expect others to treat you like you are married? It’s a little disingenuous. You’re either married or your not. If you aren’t interested in the responsibilities of marriage, why do you want others to pretend you are by treating you like a married couple?
 
Windmill said:
Part of being mature is accepting the consequences of your decisions. If you don’t want to be married, that’s your adult choice, but why expect others to treat you like you are married? It’s a little disingenuous. You’re either married or your not. If you aren’t interested in the responsibilities of marriage, why do you want others to pretend you are by treating you like a married couple?
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I sent you a PM explaining more than you need to know, but do not call me disingenuous. You have no idea how committed a couple is based on their legal marriage status. Spouses walk out all the time. Long term couples stand by each other for decades. You really can’t tell who is how committed by whether or not they are married.

Commitment and loyalty make more of a marriage than a legal document. And it is possible to take on all of the responsibilities of marriage and be completely and irrevocably committed without a licence.
 
I returned your PM.

Words mean things, and once we start forcing society to change the meaning of certain ideas, we end up gutting the idea of any permanent meaning. “Marriage” is an institution that has always meant something definitive in history. To start asking for recognition of benefits of marriage without the “title” of marriage ends up devaluing the institution of marriage itself.

Marriage is, indeed, more than a piece of paper. But it starts with that formal commitment. People in the bond of marriage are allowed certain societal benefits and recognitions because they publicly assume certain, life-long responsibilities. Whether or not they live up to those responsibilities is another matter. We may judge them as unfaithful or cowardly in their shirking of responsibilities, but they are still married.

You can make a number of commitments to friends and family, but they are still your friend or your family member. You are simply a devoted friend or sibling.

If a person does not value the institution of marriage, they have made a decision and should not be surprised when society also respects their decision.
 
I think asking them to use separate bedrooms depends on a lot of factors. How long have they been living together? How old are they? Are they paying their portion of the rental? Are there young children involved in the vacation? I do not believe this is a black and white situation.
 
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