Should we ask them to use separate bedrooms?

[Petergee]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are in their late twenties and have been living together for about a year.

In theory they will be reimbursing us for their share of the rental (which we have already paid) but in practice … (We went on a previous trip with a large family group to a family wedding. We advised our son months beforehand that we would pay for all his and his girlfriend’s accomodation expenses (re refused to come unless she came with him) and that he would be sharing a hotel room with a male relative and his girlfriend would be sharing with a female relative. When we arrived at the hotel, they made a scene and insisted on having a separate room just for the two of them. We agreed provided they paid the cost of the extra room. In every way during the trip we treated her as we would our own daughter, as did everybody else there. They asked us to “lend” them the money to pay for the room, and they haven’t paid it back nearly a year later. And despite all that they still complained afterward that we “didn’t make her feel welcome”. )

Child and teenage relatives will almost certainly be visiting us at the house but probably not staying overnight.

 

[lerapt78]

. They asked us to “lend” them the money to pay for the room, and they haven’t paid it back nearly a year later. And despite all that they still complained afterward that we “didn’t make her feel welcome”. ).

So she didn’t feel welcome the last time, and yet wants to join the family again??

Hmmmm.

 

[Petergee]

So she didn’t feel welcome the last time, and yet wants to join the family again??

Hmmmm.

Yes I think that was said in an attempt to pressure us into letting them share a room this time, and that if we don’t she would feel unwelcome.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

We have several friends with live-in boyfriends/girlfriends. When it’s convenient or in their own interests, they want to be treated like a married couple. I’ve told a few of them that we’ll do that as soon as they actually are a married couple. I don’t see why I should have to compromise my values to suit them. It would also be hypocritical for me to tell my kids it’s wrong to live together but then show approval for these folks who are doing it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are in their late twenties and have been living together for about a year.

In theory they will be reimbursing us for their share of the rental (which we have already paid) but in practice … (We went on a previous trip with a large family group to a family wedding. We advised our son months beforehand that we would pay for all his and his girlfriend’s accomodation expenses (re refused to come unless she came with him) and that he would be sharing a hotel room with a male relative and his girlfriend would be sharing with a female relative. When we arrived at the hotel, they made a scene and insisted on having a separate room just for the two of them. We agreed provided they paid the cost of the extra room. In every way during the trip we treated her as we would our own daughter, as did everybody else there. They asked us to “lend” them the money to pay for the room, and they haven’t paid it back nearly a year later. And despite all that they still complained afterward that we “didn’t make her feel welcome”. )

Child and teenage relatives will almost certainly be visiting us at the house but probably not staying overnight.

If they are paying for their portion or will be responsible for paying you back for it then it really doesn’t make sense to expect them to change their relationship to suit your sensibilities.

If they weren’t being held responsible for their portion it would be different.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are in their late twenties and have been living together for about a year.

In theory they will be reimbursing us for their share of the rental (which we have already paid) but in practice … (We went on a previous trip with a large family group to a family wedding. We advised our son months beforehand that we would pay for all his and his girlfriend’s accommodation expenses (re refused to come unless she came with him) and that he would be sharing a hotel room with a male relative and his girlfriend would be sharing with a female relative. When we arrived at the hotel, they made a scene and insisted on having a separate room just for the two of them. We agreed provided they paid the cost of the extra room. In every way during the trip we treated her as we would our own daughter, as did everybody else there. They asked us to “lend” them the money to pay for the room, and they haven’t paid it back nearly a year later. And despite all that they still complained afterward that we “didn’t make her feel welcome”. )

Child and teenage relatives will almost certainly be visiting us at the house but probably not staying overnight.

A couple of thoughts…
—They are already accustomed to you requiring them to sleep in separate rooms at your home. Why would the same requirement in a different lodging be any different? You would be doing nothing except remaining consistent. This shouldn’t be a shock to them, and any surprise offense would be insincere game play.
—They don’t sound like reliable people to ask for money. Perhaps it is better not to ask for it?
—If their decision to go or not hasn’t been made final, then you have every right to request that they sleep in separate rooms, particularly if this is your vacation that you are including them on (ie-you were always planning on going, and their participation was optional). They can always choose not to vacation with you. OTOH, if it is too late for them to change their mind without loss of money or vacation time from work etc…then it is a little harder to spring a new requirement on them. Of course, it would be quite silly (more game play) for them to assume that you’d suddenly be ok with a shared room this particular week. This is definitely a conversation that should be had before decisions are final.
—Re: the earlier trip: For them to agree to the separate sleeping arrangements ahead of time, and then throw a fit/insist on a different arrangement is quite immature, and rude. More games.

To be honest, I would hesitate about taking vacations with people who are too self-centered and immature to be able to talk about a plan ahead of time and honor an agreement. There are a lot of games being played, and it sounds like very little respect for you. Not to mention the fact that you did everything you could to make her feel welcome, and she still complained that you didn’t. Is it even pleasant to be with each other? Will this even be an enjoyable vacation with such conflict always looming? I certainly wouldn’t bend over backwards, and go against my convictions, all to please someone who is impossible to please.

 

[Petergee]

If they are paying for their portion or will be responsible for paying you back for it then it really doesn’t make sense to expect them to change their relationship to suit your sensibilities.

We wouldn’t be asking them to change their relationship, much less demanding it. Even if they were married, it’s not COMPULSORY for a couple to spend every night sleeping in the same bed. My wife and I have stayed in places where we had to sleep separately and we didn’t throw a tantrum about it.

And it’s not about suiting our sensibilities, it’s about not letting them force us to do something which WE believe would be immoral for US to do.

I should add that this is not some new rule which we have imposed. For many years and with all of our children and other people staying with us, we have never put two unmarried people of opposite sexes in the same bedroom. This is more about our son’s girlfriend trying to emotionally blackmail us to act contrary to our beliefs.

If they weren’t being held responsible for their portion it would be different.

So do you think it would be OK if we let them do the same thing in our house, as long as they gave us some money to cover a proportion of our mortgage payments, rates and utility bills etc. ? Sounds a lot like prostitution to me.

We rented the house, what difference does it make whether we’ve rented it for a week or for a year or for 20 years?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

We wouldn’t be asking them to change their relationship, much less demanding it. Even if they were married, it’s not COMPULSORY for a couple to spend every night sleeping in the same bed. My wife and I have stayed in places where we had to sleep separately and we didn’t throw a tantrum about it.

And it’s not about suiting our sensibilities, it’s about not letting them force us to do something which WE believe would be immoral for US to do.

I should add that this is not some new rule which we have imposed. For many years and with all of our children and other people staying with us, we have never put two unmarried people of opposite sexes in the same bedroom. This is more about our son’s girlfriend trying to emotionally blackmail us to act contrary to our beliefs.

So do you think it would be OK if we let them do the same thing in our house, as long as they gave us some money to cover a proportion of our mortgage payments, rates and utility bills etc. ? Sounds a lot like prostitution to me.

We rented the house, what difference does it make whether we’ve rented it for a week or for a year or for 20 years?

Uh, yeah. If they are paying to stay somewhere or renting a room out from someone it would only make sense that they could share a room. You know, kind of like how people renting a house or staying in a hotel get to share a bed even if it’s against the owner’s beliefs. If you think that’s prostitution I don’t really know what to tell you.

I had something similar come up about a year ago. Fiance’s entire family, immediate and extended traveled several states away for a wedding. Everyone paid for their own rooms though, including us. The other unmarried couples slept apart, but we agreed ahead of time that we weren’t ok with that. His parents asked a week or so in advance if we would get our own rooms or even have him share on with his brother and me share one with his cousin. We politely said no because we were paying for our room and wouldn’t be comfortable with that arrangement. That was the end of it.

They didn’t violate their beliefs because we paid, and we weren’t about to go against ours when we were covering it.

 

[Petergee]

A couple of thoughts…
—They are already accustomed to you requiring them to sleep in separate rooms at your home. Why would the same requirement in a different lodging be any different? You would be doing nothing except remaining consistent. This shouldn’t be a shock to them, and any surprise offense would be insincere game play.
—They don’t sound like reliable people to ask for money. Perhaps it is better not to ask for it?
—If their decision to go or not hasn’t been made final, then you have every right to request that they sleep in separate rooms, particularly if this is your vacation that you are including them on (ie-you were always planning on going, and their participation was optional). They can always choose not to vacation with you. OTOH, if it is too late for them to change their mind without loss of money or vacation time from work etc…then it is a little harder to spring a new requirement on them. Of course, it would be quite silly (more game play) for them to assume that you’d suddenly be ok with a shared room this particular week. This is definitely a conversation that should be had before decisions are final.
—Re: the earlier trip: For them to agree to the separate sleeping arrangements ahead of time, and then throw a fit/insist on a different arrangement is quite immature, and rude. More games.

To be honest, I would hesitate about taking vacations with people who are too self-centered and immature to be able to talk about a plan ahead of time and honor an agreement. There are a lot of games being played, and it sounds like very little respect for you. Not to mention the fact that you did everything you could to make her feel welcome, and she still complained that you didn’t. Is it even pleasant to be with each other? Will this even be an enjoyable vacation with such conflict always looming? I certainly wouldn’t bend over backwards, and go against my convictions, all to please someone who is impossible to please.

Like the earlier trip, this is not just a holiday but to allow us to attend an important occasion in the extended family a long way from home. Asking them (and other family members who are staying with us) for a share of the rent is in their case really a notional formality to save them embarrassment, as they already owe us a lot of money we have lent them for various things, and they say they couldn’t afford to go to the occasion if they had to pay for their own accommodation.

I suspect that last time although we told our son months earlier, he avoided telling her or led her to believ otherwise until the last possible moment, perhaps because he was afrraid of confrionting her (she is very demanding) although she certainly should have known without being told specifically that that would be the arrangement, she knows us well enough.

 

[Petergee]

Uh, yeah. If they are paying to stay somewhere or renting a room out from someone it would only make sense that they could share a room. You know, kind of like how people renting a house or staying in a hotel get to share a bed even if it’s against the owner’s beliefs. If you think that’s prostitution I don’t really know what to tell you.

I had something similar come up about a year ago. Fiance’s entire family, immediate and extended traveled several states away for a wedding. Everyone paid for their own rooms though, including us. The other unmarried couples slept apart, but we agreed ahead of time that we weren’t ok with that. His parents asked a week or so in advance if we would get our own rooms or even have him share on with his brother and me share one with his cousin. We politely said no because we were paying for our room and wouldn’t be comfortable with that arrangement. That was the end of it.

They didn’t violate their beliefs because we paid, and we weren’t about to go against ours when we were covering it.

1. Our house is not a public hotel.
2. How would sleeping in separate rooms violate your beliefs? Have you sworn some sort of sacred oath to never sleep apart for evn one night no matter what?

 

[jeannetherese]

My wife and I are renting a holiday house for a week and have invited other members of the family to join us. Our adult son is living with his girlfriend and they have accepted the offer. Should we tell them they have to sleep in separate rooms, just as we would if they were spending the night at our own house? We are afraid that if we do this, his girlfriend will say that we are not making her welcome, and so turn our son against us.

Or should we say that they are sub-letting a room of the house from us, and what they do in it is up to them?

If providing a shared room might compromise your or their salvation or give scandal, then it should be avoided.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. Our house is not a public hotel.
2. How would sleeping in separate rooms violate your beliefs? Have you sworn some sort of sacred oath to never sleep apart for evn one night no matter what?

I thought you guys were all renting a vacation house together? If everyone is going in together then they should be able to share a room if they pay their own portion.

However, if they are borrowing money from you for this and you are concerned it won’t be paid back I wouldn’t blame you for putting the agreement and payment plan in writing. Just explain that you want to be sure that you aren’t paying for them to sleep together.

No, I don’t believe in downplaying my relationship for the comfort of others on my own dime. Especially as shy as I am I wasn’t going to pay to be in an uncomfortable roommate situation. Just as you shouldn’t have to pay for them to share a room even though they believe differently than you I shouldn’t have to spend money and do something that I’m uncomfortable with to appease someone else. The courtesy goes both ways.

 

[ManicFaze]

Well I think even if they are living together they still need to respect your wishes. But I’m old school in this respect and would never do anything that made my parents uncomfortable when staying under the same roof as them even if I was picking up half the tab.

 

[Petergee]

I thought you guys were all renting a vacation house together? If everyone is going in together then they should be able to share a room if they pay their own portion.

However, if they are borrowing money from you for this and you are concerned it won’t be paid back I wouldn’t blame you for putting the agreement and payment plan in writing. Just explain that you want to be sure that you aren’t paying for them to sleep together.

No, I don’t believe in downplaying my relationship for the comfort of others on my own dime. Especially as shy as I am I wasn’t going to pay to be in an uncomfortable roommate situation. Just as you shouldn’t have to pay for them to share a room even though they believe differently than you I shouldn’t have to spend money and do something that I’m uncomfortable with to appease someone else. The courtesy goes both ways.

a. it wasn’t the holiday house it was our permanent home that you compared to a hotel. And you didn’t answer my question. If you think this is OK in a holiday house for a week, would it be OK in our permanent house, if they gave us money for the room?

b. It’s not about our “comfort”. We believe as the Church teaches, that it is a sin for US to materially assist or encourage another person to commit a grave sin. Doing this would actually make us MORE comfortable in this life (as we wouldn’t have to put up with the girlfriend making a scene) but would make us less comfortable in the next life.

c. I never said that we would force either of them to share a room with someone else, much less someone they would be uncomfortable with.

d. how is sleeping in separate rooms for one night “downplaying your relationship”? Presumably it was your own choice not to marry your de facto, so it was you who downplayed it.

 

[JLM28]

Do not trade virtue for human respect.If you’re practising Catholics?Then,practise it.To defy God,to please a girl for little things will soon become free-flowing,and a pattern will soon become second nature:God second,just not to hurt someone’s feelings.This will go right up until your dying bed - "I won’t call a priest for confession in case his presence upsets or even offends some of those in the room.I’ll wait until they’re gone,then call him?"Before you get a chance to,you pass in to eternity without the sacraments;no confession,no last rites,blessing…nothing!For what?Out of respect for those and their feelings?Put God first.Pray for moral courage.

God bless,

JMJ

 

[BlueEyedLady]

a. it wasn’t the holiday house it was our permanent home that you compared to a hotel. And you didn’t answer my question. If you think this is OK in a holiday house for a week, would it be OK in our permanent house, if they gave us money for the room? Actually I compared the vacation house to a hotel. If you were willing to rent out a room in your house to your son and his girlfriend I don’t think that they would be out of line in assuming that because they were renting the room from you they should be given a certain amount of freedom. At that point it becomes a business deal. Now if they were just reimbursing you for what they used that would be one thing, but if they are paying to stay there then yes, it’s reasonable that they should expect to be able to share a bed.

b. It’s not about our “comfort”. We believe as the Church teaches, that it is a sin for US to materially assist or encourage another person to commit a grave sin. Doing this would actually make us MORE comfortable in this life (as we wouldn’t have to put u[p with the girlfriend making a scene) but would make us less comfortable in the next life.[COLOR=“DarkRed”]Then I suggest not putting yourself in a situation where you’re staying under the same roof. If they are paying for their own accommodations and plan to use those accommodations how they see fit and you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t travel. If you are paying for it then you can offer it with whatever stipulations you want, and they can choose to accept or decline.

c. I never said that we would force either of them to share a room with someone else, much less someone they would be uncomfortable with.No one is saying that you would. But once again, why should they pay for their own quarters and then be held to your standards? That doesn’t make any sense. I fully support the “As long as I’m paying you’ll abide by my rules” logic. I don’t get the “Even if you’re paying you’ll still abide by my rules.” If they are putting down their own money then they have a right to do what makes them the most comfortable.

d. how is sleeping in separate rooms for one night “downplaying your relationship”? Presumably it was your own choice not to marry your de facto, so it was you who downplayed it. Clearly, we believe differently from his family. But it still remains that it was our money, our relationship, our hotel room, our everything. Please answer why I we would be obligated to do something that we weren’t comfortable or happy with just because it would make someone else feel better? They weren’t contributing to our “sin” in any way. The request was made because “some people” might be uncomfortable. We responded that was unfortunate but that we would be sharing a room because that’s what we’ve been doing for a long time, that’s what works best for us, and that’s what we wanted. Ultimately we weren’t going to drop that kind of money and then be uncomfortable for the sake of others.

 

[Julia_Mae]

My wife and I are renting a holiday house for a week and have invited other members of the family to join us. Our adult son is living with his girlfriend and they have accepted the offer. Should we tell them they have to sleep in separate rooms, just as we would if they were spending the night at our own house? We are afraid that if we do this, his girlfriend will say that we are not making her welcome, and so turn our son against us.

Or should we say that they are sub-letting a room of the house from us, and what they do in it is up to them?

Sub-letting? Are you asking him to pay part of the rent?

How about just say, “Grab a room, kids.” and let it go at that instead of making it an issue?

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Petergee, I don’t think you answered this question: Will there be children staying there also?

Regarding the money thing, rather than save them from embarrassment by offering to “loan” them the money, it seems that you are giving them control over your money and allowing them to show you the disrespect of disregarding their obligations to pay it back. If you want to pay for their lodging, then whether or not they get embarrassed is their problem not yours. If they want to accept your help, they can be grownups about it and not pretend that they aren’t accepting help. Their embarrassment is not your problem. And it shouldn’t have to be a big problem anyway - adults should be able to move past that detail. But if you don’t really want to be paying for them, then stop offering them loans. I am one who would give them a second chance, and I would probably also remind them that they owe you money from the first stay. But after that, I wouldn’t have any moral qualms not offering them a place to stay in the future. I probably wouldn’t TRY to get into the conversation about why, but if pressed I would be honest and tell my kid that they are taking advantage of me by borrowing money that they are not paying back, and I don’t want to keep playing that game.

Remember, they are not your responsibility. They are adults, and they can either find a way to get to these family gatherings and pay for their own lodging, or they can maturely decline. It is not the end of the world for some members of a family not to be able to attend events due to the travel required.

Is this something that is going to be happening every year? Are you always going to feel obligated to provide lodging for other family members?

 

[HouseArrest]

They are yanking you around by a chain. You are way more forgiving than I would be. Based on what went down on the previous trip, I would not include the couple in any arrangements. I would say something like, “based on the confusion and misunderstanding that happened at the rental house for the last holiday, we think it best for you and your girlfriend to make your own arrangements.”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

They are yanking you around by a chain. You are way more forgiving than I would be. Based on what went down on the previous trip, I would not include the couple in any arrangements. I would say something like, “based on the confusion and misunderstanding that happened at the rental house for the last holiday, we think it best for you and your girlfriend to make your own arrangements.”

That’s also a pretty good idea. If I were the OP that’s definitely one I would consider.

But he is concerned about maintaining a good relationship with his son. I don’t think that that line would hurt anything, but I don’t know his son and how he would take it. But its definitely one to consider.