Should we attend niece's wedding?

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mekem

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My husband and I are in, as our priest put it, a conundrum. His brother’s 25 year old daughter is getting married in June. She and her fiance are living together, with the full knowledge of her parents. They are not getting married at her home parish, but at an old historic Catholic church downtown, which is popular for weddings; I suspect because it will make a prettier “backdrop” for photos. They did not know the priest there, and I don’t know if he is aware of their current living arrangements. My husband and his brother are not close, we have not seen the bride for almost six years. We don’t want to give our tacit approval to the situation by attending the wedding, but we don’t want to strain an already tense family situation. Any opinions about this would be most welcome. Thank you!
 
I don’t really see what the “conundrum” is here. If they are getting married in the Catholic Church, they have been involved with some sort of marriage prep and had at least one or two meetings with a priest. Where they are getting married, they would have had to find a priest willing to preside. It seems like you are speculating about all of these details, especially if you haven’t seen the bride in six years! The bottom line is that this is a marriage the Church is approving of, so I can’t imagine what the problem is about going to the wedding.

Would you prefer that they continue living together without getting married? By going to the wedding you aren’t saying anything about their living arrangements, you are there to witness their marriage.
 
Are they getting married in the Catholic Church? If so, then definitely yes.
they did not know the priest there, and I don’t know if he is aware of their current living arrangements.
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Maybe he is. Maybe he is not. That’s not your business to be quite frank. Don’t assume that he doesn’t. My best friend and his wife lived together before marriage. I was not a fan obviously but I didn’t breathe a word about it. I just assumed that the priest who was marrying them probably knew about it. And guess what? I was right! And as it turns out, my buddy admitted to me that he regretted living with her and that they actually went all out to live as “brother and sister” during the wedding preparation time.

This was not information I desired to know to be honest. I definitely didn’t ask. He volunteered it. It didn’t make me feel better or worse about attending the wedding. They were getting married in the Church and that’s what mattered to me. If they were not getting married in the Church, maybe I’d feel differently.

My brother-in-law is getting married pretty soon. He’s not living with his fiancee but they have taken many trips together. Should I assume they’ve done something wrong and that I should lodge some kind of protest? No.

I traveled about 1,000 miles to visit my now-wife in college and she did the same for me. We roomed together during those visits because there was nowhere else for us to go. Guess what? Nothing happened except for some kissing. Seriously. So why should I assume anyone else would do anything different?

I’m not an idiot and I know that there’s plenty of opportunity for others and I know full well that tons of people live together before marriage complete with sex and are 100% OK with it. But that doesn’t give me the right to assume that in every or, actually, any instance until it’s proved otherwise. Maybe your niece and her fiance have spoken with priests who have advised to live chastely and they’re doing it. Or maybe they are at least trying and have confessed their sins. Maybe not. You don’t know.

So unless they are getting married in a church but not in the Church… imo you should probably go provided that it’s not a major inconvenience. Once they’re married in the Church and confessed their sins, their previous potentially sinful situation is over.

Incidentally, my buddy’s wife is now an NFP instructor and they’re probably the best Catholic couple my age that I know!
 
Thank you for your replies. I do agree that it is a good thing they are getting married at all; many young couples today don’t even bother. I just know the kind of life she has led from seeing the kinds of things she posted on her Facebook page. That whole side of the family is full of cafeteria Catholics. My mil sees nothing wrong with divorce and remarriage, and as a matter of fact my niece was conceived out of wedlock and my brother in law wanted to have her aborted. (Just rambling here, obviously none of that is the niece’s fault.) But I must continue to hope and pray that she has changed.
 
Go to the wedding. Celebrate the sacrament and pray they are free to receive all the grace available to them through the sacrament.

Quit holding her childhood against her and her family’s actions. I’d hate to be judge by my parents’ actions and the resulting things I believed and did under their care 😊 She is entering into a new life and a new vocation. Pray that she does so with grace and continues to grow in grace and Love of God. Look at how you have grown as a child of God since you first were married. Here is her beginning!

The priest has decided they can get married and must meet the needed criteria. That is all you need to know.
 
This seems like a slam dunk, go to the wedding. The real problem arises when a baptized Catholic is getting married outside the Church without proper dispensation (my wife’s cousin is doing this this summer). In such a case the wedding is invalid (the couple are not married by the end of the ceremony and will be fornicating that night). That is the usual
“should I go to the wedding” conundrum on these boards, one which never seems to get well answered, either.

In your case, go. They are doing the right thing by marrying, even though they are sinning now. If you avoided every wedding of every sinner, you’d go to exactly zero (including your own).
 
mekem said:
My husband and I are in, as our priest put it, a conundrum. His brother’s 25 year old daughter is getting married in June. She and her fiance are living together, with the full knowledge of her parents. They are not getting married at her home parish, but at an old historic Catholic church downtown, which is popular for weddings; I suspect because it will make a prettier “backdrop” for photos. They did not know the priest there, and I don’t know if he is aware of their current living arrangements. My husband and his brother are not close, we have not seen the bride for almost six years. We don’t want to give our tacit approval to the situation by attending the wedding, but we don’t want to strain an already tense family situation. Any opinions about this would be most welcome. Thank you!
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what the other priest knows or doesn’t know about living together is really none of your business. Just go to support them because getting married in the Church is the right thing to do and be supportive of your family.
 
I agree with the other posters, OP. The wedding of your niece is converting an immoral living situation into a proper one. This is something to celebrate.
 
As you say they may be living together, but by getting married they are putting that right and will no longer be doing anything wrong, your going to the wedding is saying that you approve of Catholic Marriage- I would suggest that you go!
 
My daughter and son-in-law shared a 2 bedroom apartment for awhile before they got married. I know they didn’t sleep together, because I knew, and saw, their living arrangement. They found it cheaper than them having separate apartments. So, I had no problem going to their wedding.
 
Go to the wedding and enjoy your family get together and forget “you” being scandalized by the couples bedroom arrangement. Also, I see nothing wrong in picking a parish that has a more photographic backdrop - as long as my dear friend and confessor was allowed to participate in the sacrament! When I read about the families that are torn apart on these forums because one family member or another wanted to “make a point” about perceived sin, it just makes me cringe. Life is too short to push away family just for an unconscious need to appear on the high moral ground or holier than the rest. You need to applaud the couple for being joined in the Church and promising that their children will be raised in the Faith.

I pray you have a wonderful time and relax and reconnect with your family members who live far away!!🙂
 
lerapt78 said:
I agree with the other posters, OP. The wedding of your niece is converting an immoral living situation into a proper one. This is something to celebrate.
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Exactly!

What would the OP prefer? That they continue living together outside of marriage? Or maybe that they enter an invalid marriage at the courthouse? They’re making things right and that’s something to celebrate.
 
Be happy that your niece is even bothering to get married and in a Catholic Church no less! She needs your prayers and your support so by all means go to her wedding. Her faith may be weak and like many young couples was living in a state of mortal sin but she will be required to go to confession and then move on to a sacramental marriage. That is something to rejoice over.
 
By the sounds of her upbringing, your neice possibly doesn’t realise the gravity of living as a couple without the benefit of marriage. It’s often only after the marriage, that it becomes evident to people what the beauty of marriage really is and experience regret, as The Buckets story of his mate demonstrates. It is often not until the children come along that people begin to think about how important faith is to their own lives as well.

The young couples ignorance will possibly reduce their culpability in many ways and the grace conferred by the sacrament of marriage has an honest place to build from.

Meet people where they are and bring them to where they should be. Go to the wedding and rejoice with them.
 
Wedding can be awkward issues when the externally verifiable issues are objectively sinful (divorce and remarriage, gay ‘weddings,’ catholics marrying civilly, etc). But the externally verifiable issues here are all in order! The marriage actually RESOLVES the awkward moral issue of their living together, so there is no scandal. They are ENDING the scandal.

That said, you are probably correct to worry that an awful lot of nominally catholic people are attempting marriage with impediments to marriage that are being ignored by everybody involved. There just isn’t any way for you to help in such a matter here. You’d just be being a busybody. It’s the priest’s job to ensure their preparation and help them recognize impediments. Pray for him and them. Give a gift like a good marriage book that might be of help without being pushy.
 
mekem said:
My husband and I are in, as our priest put it, a conundrum. His brother’s 25 year old daughter is getting married in June. She and her fiance are living together, with the full knowledge of her parents. They are not getting married at her home parish, but at an old historic Catholic church downtown, which is popular for weddings; I suspect because it will make a prettier “backdrop” for photos. They did not know the priest there, and I don’t know if he is aware of their current living arrangements. My husband and his brother are not close, we have not seen the bride for almost six years. We don’t want to give our tacit approval to the situation by attending the wedding, but we don’t want to strain an already tense family situation. Any opinions about this would be most welcome. Thank you!
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Of course go to the wedding. The couple is doing the right thing. Even if they are living together now, you don’t know if they are having sex. Even if they are having sex now they could go to confession before the wedding and be absolved. It’s really not your business. As for going to another Catholic church, the couple is free to do that - this happens all the time. I had a friend who got married in a church that neither her or the groom attended, but her grandparents had married in that church.
 
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