Should we feel guilty for wanting to protect our kids?

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We have a situation in our family right now that we feel we know what’s best for our family but struggle a bit with. My wife’s sister has a lot of problems. She is an addict, lives in a welfare hotel, is constantly in trouble with the police, etc. 8 years ago, she had a child. This child, a girl, has been living with my wife’s parents since she was about 3. The girl, our niece, has many problems as you might assume - physically and emotionally. The mother drank, smoked and probably did drugs while pregnant. She is partially deaf and needs hearing aids and she is emotionally troubled. She lacks discipline in her life and socialization. She is an out of control kid. Her father is around but more or less uninvolved. He picks her up on Saturdays but usually just drops her off at his mom’s house and then does what ever he wants. He has since gone and gotten another woman pregnant (who had a kid from a previous relationship) and married her. His wife does not want my niece around because she is such a problem child and caused problems for kid and was causing problems within the family in general because she is such a difficult child. My wife’s sister shows up when is convenient for her and when her parents allow it. She is usually drunk or high and causes a scene. She accuses her parents of stealing her baby from her then leaves. She sleeps around with different unsavory characters, many are ex-cons.

So you get the picture?

Meanwhile, my wife and I have managed to keep ourselves separate from all this. It has had very little impact on our lives and our children. We have 2 wonderful kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I have a great career. We are the polar opposites of what’s going on within her family.

Here’s the dilemma. My wife’s father approached us last week and said if he and her mom die they want us to take in the girl. (I forgot to mention that my mother and father in law are alcoholics as well that we have a strained relationship with to put it lightly.) He told my wife that her mom didn’t know he was going to ask her this but that he has “expectations of people.” He also told her that when they die they are going to give everything they have to this girl and that my wife isn’t going to get anything. He said that my wife didn’t need it.

Our answer to this is no, we would not take her. She has a father make him responsible. But we struggle with it some. We feel that the Christian thing to do is to try to help. But if we do that, we then bring all these other things into our lives and the lives of our children that we have protected them from. We would have to deal with my sister in law who would now start showing up at my door drunk and high expecting to see her daughter, accusing us of stealing her from her. We would have to deal with the deadbeat father. Not too mention the fact that my 7 year old daughter begs us not to make her have to stay at her grandparents house very long when we go to visit if this girl is there. This girl, as I said has emotional/social issues, and bullies my daughter. What’s worse though is that this girl tries to convince my daughter to do things she isn’t allowed to do and then not to tell her parents. I can only imagine what will happen when this girl is 12, 14 or 16! Last time she was at our house she tried to make my daughter draw up invitations to a party and then go down the block and put them into people’s mailboxes after we specifically told them not too. She got my daughter to actually leave the house because she was scared to not listen to her. Thankfully, my daughter knew enough and was brave enough to come running back to her mom and tell her.

We have talked about it over and over. We think that protecting our children is the most important thing here and if there was some way to help this child and not put our own family at risk we would. But I don’t see how bringing this child into our lives couldn’t cause anything but problems and serious ones, I’m not talking about convenience. Its hard because it is a little troubled girl who has had a difficult life.

In what order of priority do we place things near and dear to us to make these kinds of decisions? Does the fact that we have to protect our children from these ugly things outweight our responsibilities as humans and christians to take on this girl if her caretakers die? Do we risk causing emotional problems in our own kids to help someone elses? Then there is even the potential risk of physical harm by introducing this crazy sister in law into our lives who threatens and steals from her own parents because they have her kid.

I’m sorry for rambling on. We want to know we have made the right decision here to protect our own children.
 
As somebody raising two grandchildren- in fact, they are now our legal children through adoption- I can understand why they would want to leave everything to the niece. She needs it. Her mother will drink it or drug it. You and your wife do not need it because you can get what you need on your own. But they could have been a LOT more tactful with you guys. And they could bequeath your wife heirlooms. What they need to do is in the event of their death set up some sort of testamentary trust (NO, I am not a lawyer) to make sure this girl is cared for, as she probably has fetal alcohol syndrome among other problems, along with a lack of discipline. There is a good chance she should have some sort of financial care for life, as the odds are good she will not be able to earn a living. If you suggest a financial planner to them, he or she could perhaps lead them to a better decision, esp. in the girl’s best interest.

My husband’s mother left her entire estate to his youngest niece. Now, the old lady was stupid, in that she named the child’s father the executor and administrator of the estate. But the girl has real problems. Some of it is disciplinary and lack thereof, but some of it is the drugs and alcohol her parents ingested when they assisted in her procreation. My husband does not begrudge his niece her inheritance, but would really like to see the girl’s adult sister named executor and administrator.

As to assuming guardianship of your niece in the event of your in-law’s demise- If you can’t, you can’t. I am sure that just as we can’t take our niece, and have said so to authorities, your niece might be more than you can handle. It is surely more than your kids might be able to handle.

As somebody again raising my grandchildren, just as you cannot bleed a turnip, you cannot “make” people responsible. I did my very best to raise my daughter to be responsible. Sadly, she chose another path. It was in the best interests of the children that we adopt them. This has meant breaking off relations with my daughter when necessary. Their father is possibly more irresponsible. We have the courage, though, to go to court and do what needs to be done. Through some great blessing, both biological parents signed off and terminated their rights voluntarily, rather than going through a protracted court battle. So it is possible to take custody of a child without having to be in contact with self-destructive parents.

Just don’t complain if the person who desires to assume guardianship does so- God forbid.
 
Just after a quick read.

Do your in-laws have full custody? Have both parents signed away their parental rights? It doesn’t sound like it; not with the child going with her dad on weekends.

Because if not, it really doesn’t matter what your in-laws want. It is not up to them. It will be up to the courts and the parents.
 
Mary’s correct. If the in-laws don’t have full legal custody to the exclusion of the parents, then they can leave the child whatever, but they will not have a say in where she goes to live.
 
We are ok with the inheritance thing. Its more part of the bigger issue that I didn’t delve too deeply into. My in-laws do nothing for my kids who are their grandchildren too and its hurtful to my wife sometimes that this is the case. Her father said the other day that he wished he didn’t spend the money he spent on her for college because he got nothing out of it. The situation goes deeper than my long post. This is just another example of that. We do not argue that this kid will need the money. We understand that fully.

You guys are right though. The custody is split 3 ways somehow between both the mom and the dad and the grandparents. With the grandparents having residential custody so the kid lives with them.

The family attorney they are meeting with now told them if they die the courts will try to give the kid to the parents. If they are unfit or don’t want the kid, she will then go to a foster home unless someone is named in the will.

The mother is unfit and the father doesn’t want her. So if we are named in the will, she would probably eventually end up with us.

I guess my question is, do we have a responsibility to care for this kid if it puts our own kids at risk by involving my sister in law and this troubled kid in our lives? Morally and as Christians which is more important - providing a safe loving environment for our children or taking in someone elses kid and the drug and alcohol problems my in laws have with the kid’s parents?
 
Wow! How difficult it must be to have such a dilemma.
Let me share my own story a bit:
Your niece sounds a lot like me when I was young! My parents were the same exact way! Although I have not suffered with disabilities to the extent that your niece has from the effects of drugs and alcohol while in the womb, (some might say I’m a little goofy, but anyway) my heart goes out to her on the maladjustment issues and being caught between feeling the need to be loved and not wanting to be a burden, (I’m assuming that on some level she feels this, because it’s very common) She may blame herself for what her parents did/do, this is also a common reaction, (I’ve studied psychology and been through therapy.) I can remember feeling as if I was always homeless, though various family members took me in here and there and always told me how grateful I should be for their help. Heap on the guilt of just not being mature enough to accept that too, and it’s a recipe for disaster. In this situation, a person has no trust in others and feels as if they haven’t a friend in the world. They lash out over the mixture of anger, loneliness, frustration, and guilt. This is where the bullying and irrational behavior might be stemming from. She may eventually turn the anger on herself and become suicidal. I know this must be terribly painful for you, but also please understand that her situation too is extremely painful, even though all we see on the outside is the acting out and destructiveness. The emotional pain would consume me completely, and I cried for hours for no apparent reason. I cried oceans, but still couldn’t feel relief. Then feeling pathetic and weak, would feel bad about that too!
Even if you can’t take her into your home, try to help her in some way. Has she had any counseling? Try to find a therapist that understands and does not want to just medicate her either. In my own experience, meds made it worse, because they caused me to be even more impulsive and irrational, or just a blob that was strangely unemotional and foggy. They did not make me more socially adjusted or accepted, and all the antidepressants in the world can’t cure the truth that hurts. What helped me was understanding that it wasn’t my fault, and that not everyone hated me, because a few very special people took me in in a very Christ-like way, but didn’t try to force religion on me to solve all the problems either. At that level of suffering and immaturity, one cannot trust in God either. I felt like, “If there’s a God, why did he let this happen to me?” The people that helped me did not always take me into their homes, but they listened to me and tried to help me feel less alone in the world. It has been a very long road back to trust in people and faith in God, but I was able to serve two terms in the military successfully, and without getting into trouble, and am very proud of the job I am doing as a parent to two beautiful children. I now thank God for the trials in my life that have made me stronger and more understanding of others. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve come a loooooong way.
Thank you for listening. God bless!:gopray: I will pray for your and your niece!
 
seekdatruth - thanks for sharing your story. It has made me go back and re-read my initial post. It does make me sound like an emotionless monster! I hope everyone who reads this understands that we love our niece. We do not consider her a burden by any means. Hence why we struggle with this. Ultimately the struggle we have is protecting our kids and family from my sister in law and my niece’s father. My sister in law and the abusive men she brings around really are a major problem. That is why my wife’s parents took the girl in. My sister in law also despises my wife because according to her my wife has a fairytale life - which is not true. If this girl came to live with us we would have a serious problem with my sister in law. We would literally have real concerns over our own kids safety. She and her friends are dangerous people. My sister-in-law was given a large sum of money when she turned 25 because of some law suit stemming from a car accident she was in when she was younger. My wife’s parents somehow convinced her to sign that money over to a trust for the girl. She now accuses the parents of stealing that money from her and has threatened them over it. That would also be a big concern of ours.

So our fear isn’t so much over this child but of the people involved in her life that we keep away from. We do try to spend time with her and have the girl over our house to play with our daughter. But when all she does is attack our kid and steal her things and push her and bully her until she has to leave at what point do you say enough is enough? When you kid comes to you and begs you not to let that kid come over what do you do? If we try to talk to the grandparents about getting the girl help or that these problems exist we are told to mind our own busines. Even their friends that have tried to help get the same response.

I guess maybe the only answer is that we are wrong to put my own kids first then in this situation and the answer is then that yes we should feel guilty for saying no to taking custody of her. But someone has to look out for my kids and my family.
 
Sorry to make it seem like I thought you truly feel she is a burden. It’s just an irrational thought that kids can have in that situation, and no matter what you do, she will feel that. You’re definitely NOT a monster IMO!
Maybe removing her from that situation* is* the best option, I can’t say. But you could legally do it if you want to on the grounds that they are not providing for the mental and physical well-being of the child, AKA neglect, (that’s what Casey Anthony had charged against her among others) If you have full custody of the child, then YOU call the shots on who visits (to an extent, depending on the individual ruling in the case) and whether or not she gets mental health treatment. It may cause a great deal of discomfort for your family in the short-term, but the treatment might work and therefore make her a child that is safer around your own kids. I truly believe all of us has the potential to be saved, that no one has been set up to fail, and that even though God knows we won’t all make it home, he wants all of us to succeed. Protect your immediate family by all means, but do what you can for your niece.
HTH!!
 
What a sad situation for your niece.

I think you are correct that you can’t have her as a resident in your home, however. The harm to your family seems like it would exceed any good you can do for the niece.

A good foster home or group home might be the best thing for her should the grandparents become unable to care for her. In fact it might not be a bad thing right now if the grandparents aren’t doing the job.

I realize that some foster homes are not “good” homes. But I know from experience in my own extended family that foster parents can provide a much better place for some children than even a loving family.
 
SMHW said:
The harm to your family seems like it would exceed any good you can do for the niece.
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The only problem I see with this kind of thinking is what harm is there in children learning to deal with bullies? You can’t shelter them for life from these type of things, that’s unfair to them because they will not have the necessary tools to cope as adults when they do run up against it. Would teaching them to understand WHY the kid is acting the way she is, and to be patient with her be a harmful thing? I’m not saying let the kid beat up on yours, she does need CONSISTENT discipline, something she is not getting among alcoholics and drug addicts, which are just large children who think only of their own needs. Seems to me your kids would have a pretty good set of armor if taught to deal with her patiently.
Maybe I’m missing something here. Is there serious physical harm to your family that could result, or is it a case merely wanting to hide some very ugly aspects of life from them? Are they going to break down the first time they turn on the evening news? If they get bullied, are they just going to curl up in a fetal position and pretend their attacker doesn’t exist?
Make your own decision. Seek God’s help to do the right thing. I wish you the best!
 
seekdatruth said:
Maybe I’m missing something here. Is there serious physical harm to your family that could result, or is it a case merely wanting to hide some very ugly aspects of life from them? Are they going to break down the first time they turn on the evening news? If they get bullied, are they just going to curl up in a fetal position and pretend their attacker doesn’t exist?
Make your own decision. Seek God’s help to do the right thing. I wish you the best!
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Based on what the original poster says, there is a real potential for physical harm. Not from the child but from extended family and associates, particularly if this family becomes responsible for the niece’s money.
 
SMHW said:
Based on what the original poster says, there is a real potential for physical harm. Not from the child but from extended family and associates, particularly if this family becomes responsible for the niece’s money.
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Get a restraining order.
 
seekdatruth said:
Get a restraining order.
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While a restraining order would indeed be appropriate, please remember that it is JUST a piece of paper. It is NOT going to stop someone from doing harm to you if that’s what they want to do. I work in a courtroom. Do you have any idea how many “violation of protective order” hearings we have?

My heart breaks for this little girl, but I think the OP’s priority has to be his family and their well-being – physical as well as emotional. There are other ways of helping this little girl besides bringing her into your home and inviting all the other that would come along with her – being her mother and mother’s friends.
 
I’ve been thinking about this. Hope the OP replies to update. (HINT, HINT)
This may seem crazy, but what if he just gave the money to the parents? If those parents are like my drug-addicted parents were, they’d never bother any of them again. Seems heartless to the girl, but I never had any windfalls or inheritances to get me started. I made it as well as anyone else, it was a tough road, but it made me stronger.
 
i think you get yourself on the will and trust God with the future.

the father and mother are free-wheeling in and out of your inlaws’ house because your inlaws are dysfunctional and alcoholic.

if you had the girl, you would insist on more structure.

furthermore, if she has some money, you can research and plan to send her into longterm treatment-- something like a Christian bootcamp for troubled kids.

you can prep your kids for any potential future disruptions by including your neice’s intentions in your daily family prayer.
 
How old are the grandparents? We’re only talking 10 years until the child is an adult…

I wouldn’t want to bring that into my family… if it were just the troubled girl - well, that’s hard enough but all the relatives as well? No way.

What does your wife think?
 
Believe me I feel your pain and have walked in similar shoes. I too have a family situation similar to yours.

First off depending on your childrens’ ages they should be protected. If they are older and more formed in their own moral behavior, then the situation would be different but it sounds like they are young. It isn’t a matter of protecting them from the world. It is a matter of protecting their innocence until they are mature enough to handle those ugly things of this world. Your SIL has many problems that young children should not be exposed. That is one of the reasons why the neice has the problems she has.

I also have a nephew that is exposed to many terrible behaviors and therefore doesn’t really know how to behave. When he is at my house my rule apply to him as well. I have given him time outs for violation of those rules. I have separated him from the other children at times too. Otherwise how will he ever learn. He does seem to respond to this at times. But what I can tell is the constant struggle with the lack of respect for authority. I know that if he were much older this would exhibit itself in ways that I couldn’t live with. Once he is gone I have spoken with my children about any inappropriate behavior he has shown. I point out why we don’t behave this way.

One thing that may happen in your case is if the father knows that the girl has any money he may want custody at that point. If he has any custodial rights, he may have legal recourse to those rights. Custodial rights set up by the court cannot be superceded by a will. So at best you would have to know what the actual legal decree of custody states to determine even if you could be guardian. You would be surprised at how quick someone’s mind (the father’s wife) can be changed when money is involved.

Now the question of should you do it is one I struggle with. At this point I can’t honestly say what I would do. I do know that God has placed in my charge my children. He has given me authority over raising my children. He has not given me authority over raising my nephew. I didn’t place my nephew in the situation he is in and I don’t have any control over it.
 
raindogg’s last post was Nov. 25, 2008. So I think he’s bagged it.
 
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