Should we have more children soon?

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TonyaR

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Please know that this is a very personal post for me…

I so want to be a good Catholic family that doesn’t have to worry about whether we have more kids? I want to be open to life the way God intended? I really want more children and very soon! I love being a mom and love the gift of having a child and the beauty of life! I don’t love my marriage!

My marriage has a lot of problems, and I don’t know if the problems obligate me to wait or not. I do think we have a true marriage covenant and that divorce isn’t really an option. I also believe it would be good for my son to have siblings.

Here are some of the problems:
-lack of respect from partner
-arguing all the time, my partner antagonizes me a lot
-partner prefers some sort of media (ie:computer, tv) to family, I have to nag constantly about this
-partner and I have not been intimate since a few months before giving birth
-I do not feel love for my partner and feel very betrayed by his selfishness
-I get angry a lot with him and say very insulting mean things. I try to hold back but feel so hurt a lot.
-my partner is very prideful and selfish

Good points:
-we are practicing Catholics at least fulfilling our obligations
-I am a stay at home mom and striving everyday to grow in our faith
-despite hubby’s love of media, he does spend a lot of time with son even though I have to constantly nag him to get off computer, tv or pay attention
-I want to home school
-we are financially okay even though spouse is very selfish in this area

I could really use some advise here becasue I have been struggling internally for a while. Also I need advise regarding intimacy and whether I should be regularly intimate with my spouse. I really need help here!

Thanks and blessings to you!
 
Have you considered marriage counceling or talking to your parish priest?
 
Yes I should have mentioned that we were in marriage counseling. It just makes my husband mad and he thinks it is a waste of money. I tried to do it alone but he was mean about it and said it was a waste. So I finally just quit. As for seeing a priest, we haven’t done that yet.
 
I would recommend contacting the Parish Priest (Or if you do not feel that he would be the proper person to conact, perhaps a priest who you are close with).

Most of the problems seems to be rooted in your husband’s selfness and I would recommend talking to your priest about this as well.

Also, you need to try to remain calm with your husband and discuss things in a calm manner.

May the Peace of Christ be with you and help guide you through this time.
 
Do you pray? Do you pray together? Try praying together instead of picking at one another. When you pray together pray in thanksiving for the blessings you have. Keep trying to think up more.
 
Several people mentioned working through Catholicism to contribute more to the family.

My question is: How devoted to Catholicism is he? Does he REALLY believe or is he going through the motions?

I can’t mentioned what my suggestion would be because it’s not a happily ever after ending knowing the information I have now.
 
Just from personal experience: I would wait with another baby until things between you and your dh are ‘sorted out’ or a whole lot better, because you’re mentioning some major, major issues there…and whether you ‘believe’ in divorce or not, there are plenty of women on here who have been where you are and found their dh just ‘walked out’ one day. Also marital problems are a valid reason to use NFP.

Anna x
 
without commenting on the personal and marriage problems of OP or other visitors to this thread (since this is not the proper place for such disclosures) I would offer the general comment that whatever problems the individual spouses, couples and families are facing, they will not be helped by closing off the source of the sacramental grace of matrimony, that is, cooperating with God in his creative action by their conjugal union open to life, that is, open to God’s grace.

the solution to marital and family problems is to love, to actively and willfully seek out and perform acts of love, from the small things to the sacrificial actions which display love. It is nearly impossible to love when severed from relationship with God, and the action of contracepting does sever that relationship.
 
TonyaR said:
Yes I should have mentioned that we were in marriage counseling. It just makes my husband mad and he thinks it is a waste of money. I tried to do it alone but he was mean about it and said it was a waste. So I finally just quit. As for seeing a priest, we haven’t done that yet.
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You’ve already chosen your husband. So the stage where it is useful to compare how he matches up to other men is past.

In the same vein, you are not going to achieve anything by delaying children.
 
Malcolm, I disagree…I’ve seen too many men ‘up and leave’ if kids came around they didn’t want or the relationship was shaky anyway to say ‘Go ahead have more babies’ to someone who has some major relationship problems going on! Children-whether this is Catholic or not to say so- DO add stress to a relationship, broken nights, whingey kids DO add stress…and if you’re not BOTH 100% ‘on board’ one of you will at some point think ‘What am I doing here?!’ and very often it is then the man (not always!) who finds an excuse to exit the relationship.

I think FIRST they need to start ‘talking’ again and if there has been no sex since months before their son was born, my guess is (and I know this from personal experience) the husband is ‘making sure’ no babies will be coming along any time soon, because he’s still re-adjusting to the first one.

Puzzleannie: NFP is NOT contracepting, if there are serious problems between husband and wife postponing a pregnancy through periodic abstinence is totally accepted by the Church! And in the OP’s current situation there seems to be ‘100% abstinence’ going on, so it would be an improvement if the marital embrace could at least be re-introduced in Phase 1+3.

Anna x
 
I agree with Anna --With the information given, I don’t see anything wrong with post poning having any more children, NOT contracepting, but using NFP to delay more children right now. That way if it is God’s will that you have another child, it will happen, NFP or not. It is never a one way street and the both of you need help, if he doesnt get some, than you get it for yourself, it isnt a waste of time to you, and I find that most people who say counseling is a waste of time, just dont want to make the changes they know they will have to or admit that they are responsible in some way. If he doesn’t want to go to counseling, than ask him what he would like to do instead to save your marriage. i will keep you both in my prayers.
 
Go to Retrouvaille. It teaches new ways of communicating with each other so that you can both really know how the other one is feeling. It literally saved our marriage, and I’ve seen it work for hundreds of others. www.retrouvaille.org
 
To the OP:
I would first stop nagging. Your husband may be selfish and spiteful but your job is to show love and patience. Try to find the good in him that you saw when you married him. No man likes being nagged - don’t do it. And I say that from experience: I nagged at my husband for years and when I decided to stop, he became the most charming, loving husband you could wish for. I won’t say that will happen with your husband, but honey catches more flies than vinegar.
 
The recomendation to go on a Retrovi (? sp.) weekend is very good advice. Always wanted to go on one of those weekends, but haven’t had a chance yet. I have been married for 13 years and half of that time dh and I have been self employed together in a small business. The business is in his college degree and sometimes he treats me more like an employee than a spouse, but over all I think it is worth it, because of the more family time it gives us.
Anyway, from my experience, not having sexual relations with your spouse only increases the distance - expecially the husband - will feel between you. So, whether you decide to use NFP or not, “get back to business”. I know it is not easy as the wife if your not in the mood, sometimes I have to force myself to be in the mood to start, but it’s worth it for how much more loving he is because of the interest I am showing. So, try to create a date that will help you get in the mood, in my experience it doesn’t take much to get him in the mood, just doll yourself up in something he likes - men are very visual, and make his favorite meal, etc. - you get the idea. Do you have a grandparent, or someone else, to watch your child so you can do this? We used to do more of these special dates before my mother-in-law pased away two years ago (she would watch our children anytime for us), our oldest son is now finally old enough to do some baby-sitting of his siblings for us, so we just recently been able to do this again. It really helps keep us close when tensions run high in running a business together.

Hope this helps,
God Bless
Jennifer
 
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